ASH: CSV Annual #3 - Zoo of Malice (by Tony Pi)
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Aug 26 16:56:27 PDT 2012
On Monday, August 20, 2012 11:22:39 PM UTC-4, Dave Van Domelen wrote:
> Robert climbed on behind her. She'd let him drive until New York City
> where, running from his old paragang 'friends', he'd gunned the engine so
> hard that it broke. Now the wheels spun solely thanks to Anya's telekinetic
> powers, and she loved tight corners and deadly speed.
Ooooh, neat. Reminds me of Lightfoot's powers.
> Maybe he should've used a fork instead of chopsticks, or used his power
> to keep the bowl of noodles from slipping out of his hand and onto the
> controls. Or turned the hot soup into goop with his viscosity mojo before it
> could seep into the circuitry. But it was too late; the panel sparked and
> burst into flames. "Sorry. You'd think Tritey would have waterproofed..."
> The lights died suddenly, and the crabship spun upside-down.
> Eugene followed her through the gap in the fence and stepped onto the
> roadway. "Hey, this is where they used to hold the Canadian Grand Prix
> Formula One!" He loved formula racing, both as a fan of the sport and a
> wanna-be driver. He even discovered his powers speeding down the hills of
> San Francisco in a homebrewed yellow-and-orange go-kart.
Hm! Has this ever been established before?
> Trotting into view from deeper into the casino came a very strange
> creature: a two-headed, two-humped camel wearing matching bow-ties. The head
> on the right spoke.
> "Welcome. I'm Monsieur Cryptozoologique."
> A fire-breathing, two-headed camel wearing red-and-white polka-dot
> bowties. It was everything he didn't know he wanted in a pet.
> "Your voiceprint is a ninety-nine percent match with Zoel
> Quenneville's," Challenger said. "Monsieur Quenneville, are you
> communicating with us through a vocoder implant or animal telepathy?"
Ooooh, I know what's gonna happen here.
(Note: No, I didn't; I thought he was going to turn out to *be* the camel.)
> "That stupid stunt of yours made us the prey of a dozen paragangs that
> day, Eugene. Robert and I barely escaped. Thanks to you, that was the worst
> birthday of my life."
> "It was?" Eugene was stunned. "Sorry. I didn't mean to spoil your
He didn't even realize. Naturally.
> Eugene crinkled his nose. "Let me guess...a stink bomb? Fireball fart?"
> "She analyzes her enemies with her antennae, and fills the room with an
> undetectable gas tailored to swiftly incapacitate its foes," the camel
> said. "Like you."
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn!
> "You'll find the embrace of an elasti-boa quite difficult to escape,
> Monsieur Coulter," the snake said with Quenneville's voice.
That's a great line.
> "Can't you just morph and escape, Myri?" Conflicto whispered.
> "No, he put monosodium glutamate in the water. Harmless to you, but even
> in one part per million, it gums me up like a jelly baby."
It's certainly an original Kryptonite.
> "Spiral's still in trouble out there, and we have to find her,"
> Conflicto said. "Giddy-up, Myri!"
> Myriad lassoed his head and covered his mouth. "Shut. Up."
Heeheehee. They're cute.
> A whirlwind of cotton candy danced pirouettes down the path towards the
> circus tent, sticking to the fur of the invisible tigers, who now looked like
> great Cheshire Cats with pink candy smiles.
Nice variation on the ol'saw.
> The Biosphere was a geodesic dome, only it had lost
> its acrylic bubble in a fire half a century ago.
Ooooo. Makes perfect sense for this postapocalypse.
> "For all we know he's got teleporting walruses in the water who saved
> his ass. What do I care?" Eugene gave the three-eyed crocodile a loving pat
> on the head. "All I know is, if it weren't for Myri here I'd probably be
> The hammock sprouted a woman's head. "What are you talking about,
> Conflicto? I'm the hammock, not the crocodile."
> "You mean this is a real croc?" Eugene said in a very small voice.
*waaa waaa waaaaaaaa*
> This started as a submission to a Canadian science fiction anthology,
> one with sufficiently creator-friendly terms that neither Tony nor I would
> have to sign over rights to characters or setting (just the first publication
> rights). Since the intent was to put this in front of readers who'd never
> heard of RACC, much less ASH, it needed to be a bit heavier on explanation
> than it would have had it been written for RACC in the first place.
Ohhhhhh, I see. I figured Tony'd had to switch them to thinly-veiled versions of the characters and then switch back. Neat!
> Sadly, it didn't get accepted, so Tony gave me the go-ahead to post it
> once I'd gotten it in shape. Mainly that meant formatting and the removal of
> all the non-ASCII-7 characters infesting the Quebecois French. And the
> damnable smartquotes. And the accent over the first E in Biosphere. :)
Heeheehee. Good stuff!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, idly wonders why ASH has so many "missing adventures" stories.
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