LNHY: Looniverse Y #11: 'Credit Cry.Sig!'
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Apr 16 21:18:54 PDT 2012
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L O O N I V E R S E
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N U M B E R
E L E V E N
[Cover: An LNH-Y Credit Card with Kid Kicked-Out's name on it has been
totally shredded. And the pieces drown in a pool of spilled No-Duh! Soda.]
Previously: The System Corruptors Arc was temporarily interrupted by a
Saxon Brenton issue that could have literally taken place in any of the
LNH's Looniverses. And now...
'Credit Cry.Sig!'
"So, they back yet?" said Kid Kicked-Out scanning the LNHYQ lobby.
"Who?" said Trophy Wife who seemed to be nibbling on some Elderly
Gentleman's ear.
"You know," replied Kid Kicked-Out, "Everyone's favorite vampire-demon
fighting duo -- are they back from vacation?"
"Alas, I fear not!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master! "The last word I
heard they were still within the bowels of Europe battling legions of
the undead!! I can only hope that they shall return safely and unharmed
so they can join us again in ridding Net.ropolis Y of its wicked an
unjust!!!! So, says I, Exclamation!Master!!!!!!"
"Yeah, okay." And then Kid Kicked-Out eyes bugged out as he glanced at
a teenage girl next to Exclamation!Master! in a costume similar to
Exclamation!Master!'s (well, if Exclamation!Master! wore a cheerleader's
outfit that is). "Whoahh!! Who's little miss hot to trot?"
"Exclamation!Missy!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Exclamation!Missy! as she did
a back flip. "Evil Beware!!!!!!!"
"Yes!!!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master! "She's my new sidekick!!! I've
been training her for over a month in the ways of fighting all that is
bad and rotten!!! And today I'm giving her a guided tour of this hall
of legends so that one day when she's ready she can take her place among
the best of the best!!!!!!"
"Female sidekick, huh? I need to get one of those for myself one of
these days. One over 18 of course..."
"Wow," said Trophy Wife rolling her eyes. "You really have a talent for
making every single thing you say creepy and perverse."
"Hey, it's a gift. And speaking of creepy and perverse -- who's gramps
over there," said Kid Kicked-Out pointing at the old man whose lap
Trophy Wife was using for a seat.
"This?" said Trophy Wife lightly twirling her finger through the old
man's sideburns. "This happens to be the head of the No-Duh! Soda
Empire. An Empire that has its reach into almost every single product
and material on Planet T-Bone! A man that is wealthier than every
single other Trillionaire on this planet -- Combined! Maybe you've
heard of him. His name is -- Pister Y Maprika III. And he's -- my new
Fiance." She then showed everyone in the room her ring. A ring with a
gem larger than the Hope Diamond. "Like it?"
"Yes!!!!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master!
"Man!" said Kid Kicked-Out. "You're that guy? Well, congratz and all --
wait a sec! Aren't you still married to that Columbian Drug Lord, Tammy?"
"Coma," said Trophy Wife rubbing her eye slightly with a tissue.
"Sadly, it doesn't look good."
"And when shall this joyous occasion take place?!!!!" exclaimed
Exclamation!Master!
"Haven't exactly set a day," answered Pister Y Maprika III, "But it will
take place on Mars as soon as the gigantic hotel/casino I'm having built
there is done. And when that's done then mankind shall finally witness
the greatest wedding ever!"
"Sounds good! We should celebrate." Kid Kicked-Out took out the New
LNH Member Detector and put it on cell phone mode. "Pizza sound good?
Topping suggestions?"
"How about some Beluga Caviar, Foie Gras, and Pineapple?" said Pister Y
Maprika III adjusting the monocle on his eye.
"Mmm! Sounds yummy!" said Trophy Wife licking her lips.
"Okay," said Kid Kicked-Out as he ordered the pizza. "Damn! That much?
Oh, well. You have to get it to me in less than a minute, right? Or
it's free, right?" Kid Kicked-Out looked at his watch. "There's no
possible way that you could..."
"Pizza ready!" said a pizza delivery boy from The Fastest Pizza Ever
Fast Food Joint who had just teleported into the LNHYQ with the pizza
Kid Kicked-Out had just ordered. In less than a minute. "That will be
$9,999.98, sir!"
"No!!!" cried Kid Kicked-Out. "Oh, hell. Well, I guess I can pay this
with my credit card." He took out his special LNHY issue credit card
and handed it to the pizza delivery boy.
The pizza delivery boy swiped the card. "Hmm. Sorry, sir. Looks like
you're past your credit limit." The pizza delivery boy took out some
scissors.
"Wait! You don't need to do that! Just give it another swipe! Please!!"
"Sorry, sir. Rules are rules." The pizza delivery boy then sliced and
diced the card into oblivion as Kid Kicked-Out watched in horror.
"No!!! No!!!!" said Kid Kicked-Out gathering the pieces and trying to
put them together again.
"Look. I can pay for this," said Pister Y Maprika III taking out his
platinum plated wallet and pulling out a $10,000 bill. "Here. Keep the
change."
"Oh, goody. Two extra cents," said the pizza delivery boy with no
expression on his face. "Now I can finally pay off all of my soul
crushing student loan debt. Yay."
<:Hmm,:> said the New LNH Member Detector. <:How could you be over your
credit limit. There has to be at least a 30 million dollar limit on
that card. How much have you spent?:>
"Spent? Well, it's probably only like -- umm -- *mumble* *mumble*
*mumble*."
<:What was that? I couldn't quite hear you.:>
"I said I -- Spent it All!! I spent every last damn cent!! It's all
gone! All 30 million dollars!! All gone!" Kid Kicked-Out took a seat.
"All gone."
"You charged 30 million dollars with that thing? For real?" said Trophy
Wife in disbelief. "What the hell did you buy with it?"
"It was all sorts of things. Look -- running the LNH is expensive. I
had to pay for salaries -- insurance -- lawsuits -- bribes -- food --
parties -- hookers -- and umm... It's insane!"
"And you didn't keep track of the money?!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master!
"I didn't think I needed to. 30 million dollars? That should last
forever -- right? I mean how could something that big disappear so
quickly? Right?"
"Actually, 30 million is rather small," pointed out Pister Y Maprika
III. "That's how much I make every millisecond."
"But we can deal with this. I'll probably just get a fine. Or maybe we
could declare bankruptcy. Or..." said Kid Kicked-Out brainstorming.
<:No. This is very bad. Very bad. You're not dealing with your
pitiful Loonited States credit card laws. No. You're now within the
realm of the Omnilooniversal Credit Bureau. Right this moment as we
speak a team from the Credit Slavers Colony of LownShawrk Number Nine
are being sent here -- to find you. And they're going to want their
money.:>
"And if I don't have it?"
<:Then they're going to take you back to one of their forced labor slave
mines where you'll be forced to work until you've completely paid up all
of your debts. Shouldn't probably take more that 50 millions years or
so. That's the best-case scenario.:>
"Don't worry, Kid Kicked-Out!! We shall crusade against these Agents of
Credit Slavery!! They shall not take you!! Unless we all die, then I
guess they will take you!! But they will not take you gently into the
night!! I promise that with all my will!!!!" Exclamation!Master!
slammed his hand with his fist.
"Umm, no offense but that sounds like a horrible plan. At least the 'me
dying' part of it. There's got to be a better solution." Trophy Wife
thought for a bit. "Oh wait! You, my little money bunny!" she said
putting her lips near Pister Y Maprika III ear. "You could give Kid
Kicked-Out 30 million dollars! And it would solve everything! Oh,
pretty please?! With sugar on top?!"
"Hmm," said Pister Y Maprika III as he thought about. "I don't know --
30 million is a lot -- to give to a poor person. That sounds a bit like
-- I dunno -- socialism. That would send the wrong sort of message to
people. People who don't have any money. Now if he had something that
was worth any money then..."
"Wait!! I've got the LNH!" said Kid Kicked-Out. "I could sell you the
LNH!!"
"The LNH?" Pister Y Maprika III rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"Yes, the LNH! And the LNHYQ! That's got to be worth tons of money! I
mean it has computers and other high tech stuff -- weapons..."
Pister Y Maprika III looked around the building. His eyes lit up.
"Hmm. Yes. I can see possibilities. I could turn this place into a
hotel/casino. Yes. This could work."
The New LNH Member Detector didn't like where this conversation was
going. Kid Kicked-Out had been easy to control. But this Pister Y
Maprika III? No, this wasn't good. It was going to have to put a stop
to this. <:No, I'm afraid you can't do this. You can only sell the LNH
to another member of the LNH.:>
"So, make me a member," said Pister Y Maprika III gazing straight at the
New LNH Member Detector. "I can pay any price. Any price."
<:It doesn't work that way, alas. Since you and he are both characters
of the same writer, in order for you to become a member -- he would have
to lose his membership.:>
"So, I guess I quit then," said Kid Kicked-Out.
<:No, you can't do that. Since you're the LNH Leader there would have
to be a vote by the other members to kick you out. That's the only way.:>
"Okay. Let's take a vote. Who wants me out?"
"I do!" said Trophy Wife gleefully.
"I do not like this!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master! solemnly "But if
this is the only path to save you from the Credit Card Slave Mines then
I shall be forced to choose it and say yes to kicking you out!!"
Kid Kicked-Out gave a sigh of relief. "So, I guess that's it. Looks
like I'm no longer a member. Well, it's been fun. Well, not really."
What had just happened here? The New LNH Member Detector sensed the
various people in the room. How had it lost complete control over them
so quickly? It had to do something. Maybe it could kill them all and
start over again. Maybe. No. It was too late. There was only one
thing it could do now. Only one thing. Detect. <:I detect a new LNH
Member. Welcome to the LNH, Pister Y Maprika III.:> But this wasn't
over. Not by a long shot. No. It would find away to get back control.
Yes, it would.
"Congratz, money honey!" Trophy Wife gave her soon to be husband a
kiss. "Oh, wait! We need a new leader, don't we? I vote for you then,
Future Hubby!"
"And I vote for myself!" Pister Y Maprika III gave his future wifey a
peck on the cheek.
"No, I do not like this!" exclaimed Exclamation!Master! "We should wait
for Van Hel.sig to get back before we decide who our next leader should
be! That is the proper way!!"
"Look, E!M!," said Trophy Wife. "There are only four of us and even if
Van Hel.sig were here and even if he voted for whoever you think should
be leader -- that would cause a split between us. Is that what you
want? For us to be divided and for our enemies to take advantage of
that? Really? Do you want evil to win?"
"No!! I don't want evil to win!! That is unthinkable!!! And what you
say is true! The LNH cannot survive a split like this!! It must have a
leader!! Very well then -- I choose Pister Y Maprika III!! And I hope
I don't regret this decision! I hope with all my heart!!"
"Well, then," said Pister Y Maprika III as he opened a bottle of
Champagne he had in one of his pockets. "I'm the new leader. Long live
the new king." He smiled as he poured it into a number of glasses.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A little bit later...
Kid Kicked-Out finished signing the last of the contracts that gave
Pister Y Maprika III all of his credit card debt and the LNH. "Well,
that's it then. Weird. No longer an LNH'r. Man, I can't believe I was
on this team for as long as I was. And now it's over. Over and done."
He looked around the place. The memories. Boy, he sure didn't
accomplish much. But that didn't matter anymore. This was someone
else's problem. Someone else's job. "Damn! I don't have a job
anymore. Or a place to live. Hey, maybe I could stay here. What do
you think? Maybe I could be the butler or something? Sound good?"
"Hmm," said Pister Y Maprika III. "I think I've got a better idea.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
A half a minute later...
A Kid Kicked-Out flying out of the door hit the curb on the parking
LNHYQ parking lot. "Ouch." He got up and dusted himself. "Well, easy
come. Easy go."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Next time: Will we find out anything more about the System Corrupters?
Anything about how Pister Y Maprika III leads? About what happens to
Kid Kicked-Out? Will Exclamation!Missy! ever appear in anything again?
Or will the issue have nothing to do with any of that?
Credits:
Exclamation!Master! - Saxon Brenton
Trophy Wife - Tom Russell
Kid Kicked-Out, Pister Y Maprika III, New LNH Member Detector, and
Exclamation!Missy! - Arthur Spitzer
Writer's Note:
Taking a break from writing Beige Midnight.
Well, that should shake things up.
I never really intended for Kid Kicked-Out to be LNH Leader for life and
certainly not as long as he's been leader. Of course if someone out
there doesn't like the idea Pister Y Maprika III being the leader then
feel free to call for an election.
Kid Kicked-Out is still Usable without permission -- so feel free to use
him if you want. Also Exclamation!Missy! is free for use if anyone
wants to use her.
And if there is enough demand I'm sure there will come a time when Kid
Kicked-Out could get back on the team. Maybe even leader if that's what
the people want.
NAME: Pister Y Maprika III
CREATED BY: Arthur Spitzer (arspitzer at earthlink.net)
TYPE: Usable Without Permission
POWERS: He's really rich. Lots of money.
ADD NOTES: He's an old geezer and he's engaged to Trophy Wife.
Head of the No-Duh! Soda Empire. And he's currently leader of the LNH.
FIRST ISSUE: Looniverse Y #11
Arthur "A one day story..." Spitzer
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