LNH20: The Cat Lady #1

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Sat Apr 14 07:03:41 PDT 2012

                                 The Cat Lady #1
                      The Story of Angelo and Antonio

  The Cat Lady noticed that Angela –a short haired brown tabby- was
eating more than usual.  She picked her up and noticed she was also
bigger and heavier than usual.  On a hunch, she checked the cat’s
belly and noticed her nipples were erect.
  “Ah, you’re going to have kittens,” the Cat Lady said.  “So who did
this to you, mmm?  Was it Jacky?  He was chasing after you.  Did he
catch you?”
  She put Angela down and looked for Jacky amongst the fifty plus cats
in her apartment.  She finally found the long haired orange tabby she
was looking for.
  “Jacky, did you get Angela pregnant, mmm?  Did you finally catch
her?  It looks as though you did.  Well, you are going to be a father
then.  That makes me grandma.  Oh wait.  Great grandma.  Yet again.
Ha ha ha.”
  A few months passed and Angela had four kittens, three male and one
female.  She named them Angelo, Antonio, Mark and Jane.  Mark and Jane
–each a brown tabby- were named after her older brother and sister who
were themselves fraternal twins.  Meanwhile, Angelo and Antonio –each
an orange tabby-appeared to be identical.
  Angelo and Antonio were not identical, however.  Whereas Angelo was
always purring, Antonio never purred.  He was, apparently, not happy
having to share his food with five dozen other cats.  Nor did he like
it when the Cat Lady, while serving apportion of such food, stepped on
his tail.  Ever since that incident, Antonio would bare his teeth at
the Cat Lady and make a sissing sound.
  Antonio plotted his revenge against her.  He finally decided upon
his plan: he waited until the Cat Lady was in her bathroom and then
snuck into her room, jumped on her bed and urinated onto the precise
spot where she usually slept.  He then jumped down from the bed and
hid in a corner and waited for her reaction.
  The Cat Lady exited her bathroom and entered her bedroom.  She
noticed her sheets were wet, gave them a sniff, curled her nose and
said “Tsk tsk tsk.  Somebody’s been naughty.”  She then removed the
sheets, used a hair dryer to dry the mattress and placed fresh sheets
on the bed.  She then got into bed, curled up and went to sleep.
Several cats jumped up onto the bed and curled up with her.
  Curses!  The Cat Lady had all but ignored his ploy and gone to bed
as usual.  He needed  to come up with another plan.
  Then, one day the Cat Lady had visitors, one young woman and  one
young man.  The Cat Lady served them tea.  Wonderful.  Two more mouths
to feed.
  Then suddenly a man broke into the apartment.  The Cat Lady picked
up the TV remote control and activated the death ray, cutting the man
in half in the process.  The bloody pulp that used to be a human being
fell to the floor.  Finally!  Food enough for everyone.  Well, for the
next few hours anyway.
  Antonio decided that he needed to learn the secret of this weapon.
Imagine using the weapon on the Cat Lady herself and dining on her
remains!  Then the other cats would rely on him for food as he cut
down human beings and they dined on their remains!  How grateful they
would be to him!
  Antonio waited until the Cat Lady was asleep and then jumped up onto
the coffee table and started playing with the remote.  He knocked the
remote onto the floor and jumped down onto the floor and played with
it some more.  Angelo came along to see what he was doing.  Antonio
ignored him and focused on trying to activate the death ray.  Finally
he found the switch that turned the remote into a death ray!  All that
remained was to press down on the remote…
  The Cat Lady got out of bed and rushed to the living room.  Antonio
had pressed down on the remote and activated the death ray and the
death ray had struck Angelo’s paw.  Angelo’s cries had caused the
other cats to scatter safely away from the path of the ray but Angelo
himself was badly injured.
  The Cat Lady picked up the remote, switched it back to TV control
mode and placed it back on the coffee table.  The Cat Lady then –still
in her pajamas and with no regard of her own appearance- picked up
Angelo and took him to the vet.
  Antonio was left alone with his extended family, none of whom were
happy with what he had done.  His own father, Jacky, hit him over his
head and his own mother, Angela, bared her teeth at him and growled.
Antonio had intended to be their hero but they all saw him as the
villain!  Antonio jumped up onto the sofa and used his momentum to
continue up and over the sofa and onto the rack over the window
supporting the curtains.  He stayed there and went to sleep.
  When the Cat Lady finally returned with Angelo, she placed Angelo
down onto the floor.  Angelo proceeded to walk around the room as
usual.  From Antonio’s vantage point above the curtains, Antonio could
not see how this was possible.
  Finally, curiosity got the better of him.  Antonio jumped down to
get a better look at Angelo.  Now he could see that Angelo was
different: his cat’s paw had been replaced with a bionic paw.  What
Antonio didn’t know was that the Cat Lady’s vet worked for WHATEVER
and had access to the technology necessary to replace amputated feline
  Antonio cowered in fear.  What was Angelo now capable of now that he
was bionic?  Could he exact his revenge against him with a death ray
of his own?  Or perhaps Angelo’s bionic claws were razor sharp and
could cut him to ribbons.  Antonio’s ears laid flat against his head
as Angelo approached him.  Angelo was sure that his family would dine
on his remains that night.
  Angelo knelt down next to Antonio… and started to lick his head
affectionately.  Angelo loved his brother and, having sensed the fear
in him, was genuinely concerned and wanted to make sure he was okay.
All the other cats likewise showed concern and affection for Antonio:
they could see that Angelo was okay but what about Antonio?  He seemed
terribly upset.
  Then, with all of his extended family having shown such genuine
concern and affection for him, Antonio did something he had never done
before: he purred.
  What you have just read is partly based on reality and partly based
on fantasy.  Freud said that every dream is a wish.  In this case, I
wish to hear Antonio purr.  And I’m sorry I stepped on his tail.

The Cat Lady and WHATEVER created by Adrian McClure
Mark, Jane, Angelo and Antonio created by Jacky and Angela


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