LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #52 (2/2)

[Andrew Perron]

On Tue, 3 Apr 2012 21:38:16 +0000 (UTC), EDMLite wrote:

Okay, I'm going to reply to #51 and #52 in one megapost.  Here we go:

>      Lite chooses this occasion to tell Cynical Lass of his
> long-concealed feelings for her... only to learn that she
> plans to accompany an LNH mission into deep space the next
> day.  Discouraged, Lite accompanies Easily-Discovered Man
> home, where he finds the hero's family and friends
> gathered in his living room -- along with the super-villain
> ReVamp Lass...

<Majel Barett> Last time, on Easily-Discovered Man: Deep Space Beige
Countdown #9...

>      "Now, I still think you're out of your mind.  But this
> Aaron Burr-ito is pretty good stuff.

Ouch. XD

>      "Don't believe everything you hear," grumbled Walter
> Mondale, who stood just a few feet away in the restaurant's
> kitchen, retrieving the latest batch of Dan Quayle
> Memorial Potatos from the Fry-O-Lator.

Wow, Doonesbury flashbacks!

>      "My people traditionally celebrate the last Thursday
> before payday as the sacred feast of Dontgotnun," I said.

Ah, yes, when we ritually eat ramen with store-brand hot sauce on it.

>      "Actually, I was just coming over to tell you about
> today's dessert specials," said the waitress, looking in
> confusion from my face to that of the Prof, who had
> leaped on to the center of our table, nearly squashing
> Cynical Lass' burrito. "The Al Gore's Inconvenient Torte
> seems to be very popular..."

Heeheeheehee

>     "I am EAS'LY-DISCOVERED!  The hero of legend!
>     Who castigates evil!  Who champions the poor!
>     With my sidekick beside me, I battle injustice
>     No matter how great or resourceful my foe
>     None can eclipse my green glow...
>     Onward to glories I go!"

GUITAR SOLO!

>     "I, Hector, yes I, Hector
>     I follow my boss here from Heaven to heck," I sang.
>     Through all of our clashes, I'm protecting..."
> 
>     "Lite!" the Prof warned.
> 
>     "...his assets," I continued.
>     "Battling for my paycheck!"

See, I would've gone with "protecting his neck".

>     By now, several of the other diners had begun pounding
> on various restaurant fixtures in time with the music, while
> the Prof leapt from table to table, his voice a passionate
> roar.

When I get rich, this sequence will be animated.  SO SAY I

>      "You're always coming up with schemes to make money,"
> Cynical Lass said.  "And yet you're always broke.  So
> where does all the money go?"
> 
>      "Guitar lessons," I said, giving the instrument one
> last strum.  "That Esteban guy is a genius, but he
> certainly isn't cheap."

Also to this lovely collection of lampshades!

(Have I ever mentioned how much I *love* these opening segments?  Love love
love love love them so much.  I must rip them off sometime.)

>      With villains, at least, there's a script to follow.
> Unless you're dealing with someone who's never staged a
> major caper before -- and even those guys are usually savvy
> enough to hire a couple of seasoned henchmen -- everybody
> who shows up at a super-villain battle knows the role
> they're supposed to play, and everybody usually does what's
> expected of them.  That's why, even when there's energy
> blasts and eye beams and who knows what else flying around,
> so few people get really hurt in fights between super-powered
> beings.

Oooooo.  Makes sense.

>      Of course, if you happen to walk into an event
> that includes both your loved ones _and_ a major super-
> villain, you might as well light yourself a cigarette,
> because you're pretty much screwed.

Personally, I've never gotten the "smoking after sex" thing, but then, I've
never been a smoker.  It's an evocative image, anyway!

>      "Second," I said, facing Substitute Lad, "it's
> ridiculous to assume that any of our readers remembers
> something that took place in an issue posted more than
> three years ago.

Actually, I totally remembered that!

>      "It is true that at one time, I took on the
> character of a supposed super-villain in order to better
> understand Professor Wong's... condition," Dahl said.
> "At the time, I concluded that my colleague's extra-
> curricular activities were merely a harmless diversion.

Wait, I thought he tried to bring various forces down on his head.

>      "Oh, do bring up the time you and Theo engaged the
> White Dwarf, and nearly allowed him to seize control of the
> Legion of Net.Heroes," the Prof's wife said [in EDM #23
> -- Kid Recap, could really use some help here].  "Or the time
> the two of you were at the center of a riot in the Mall of
> Net.ropolis?  [in EDM #42 -- Footnote Girl, at your service!]
> Or perhaps you'd like to tell us how your inspired leadership
> nearly resulted in Charlie Hustle assassinating the President
> of the Usenetted States?" [in LNH Comics Presents #58 -- Kid
> Recap and Footnote Girl, all together now!]

Wow, these guys really are good at mischaracterizing people's actions.  Why
hasn't Fox News hired them yet?

>      "But Easily-Discovered Man -- I mean yes, he has
> powers, but ultimately he's a super-hero because he
> decided to hold himself to the same standards as
> people who are a lot more powerful," I said.  "And
> when other people see that, they think yeah, I might
> not be able to leap tall buildings or punch holes in
> battleships, but I can be the kind of hero Easily-
> Discovered Man is just by changing the way I act."

*doffs nonexistent hat, places over heart*

>      It wasn't that Substitute Lad's face was scarred, or
> even scratched -- in its porcelain perfection, Sub's face
> looked better than it had before the attack, better than
> any human face had a right to look.
> 
>      And that was the problem, really.  As in _The Polar
> Express,_ or _Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within,_ or any
> other early-2000s movie designed to frighten children with
> the cold, uncanny perfection of its digitally-rendered
> characters, Substitute Lad's face looked like the eerie
> approximation of a human face by someone who understood
> design better than they understood humanity.
> 
>      It was all I could do to keep from looking away before
> he returned the mask to his face.

...oooooooooh. *shudder* Nice.

>      It wasn't until I glanced at the magenta yarn at the
> end of her needles, however, that I recognized her face as
> that of the most dangerous super-villain I'd ever faced
> -- the Prof's former sidekick.
> 
>      "You..." I stammered.  "You're Plummet's mother."

DUN DUN DUN--

*skips cliffhanger and just moves on to the next issue*

>     Before presenting the conclusion of that tale, however,
> the author would like to take a moment to celebrate the
> 20th anniversary of the Legion of Net.Heroes.

WOO

>       EIGHTEEN THINGS THAT DID NOT YET EXIST
>     WHEN "EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN #1" WAS POSTED
>      (WITH EXPLANATIONS FOR FUTURE READERS)
> 
>      1. THE WORLD WIDE WEB*:

Daaaaaaaaaaamn.

(Also, what's with the asterisk?)

>      4. HARRY POTTER:
>      Hard as it is now to believe, before the publication of
> _The Hunger Games,_ the _Twilight_ novels or J.K. Rowling's
> teen wizard series, many adult readers were forced to read
> books written for adults.

Pssh.  Back then, we had actual *comics* for kids for adults to read (and
take over).

>      5. BARACK OBAMA*:
>      In 1993, many Americans sincerely believed that the
> eventual election of a President who was not a white male
> would herald a new age of tolerance, understanding and
> intelligent political debate among the citizenry at large.

Or meteors from the sky.

>      *The author recognizes that some of these things may
> have existed in some form before October 1993.  As the
> author did not have access to them, however, he believes
> that fact may fairly be considered irrelevant.

Oh, I see. XD

>      "My good woman, if only I knew," the Prof said, his
> long face lined with grief.  "We were working together on
> a mission for the Legion of Net.Heroes.  That much I know.
> But what that mission was, or how it was resolved, I have
> never been able to determine.  There are no records
> available at Legion headquarters, and no member of the LNH
> can recollect what happened on that fateful day."
> 
>      Something clicked in my mind.  I resolved to have it
> checked out later by a neurologist, and continued with what
> I was going to say.
> 
>      "The Apocryphal Man," I said.

...ooooooooooh.  I see.

>      ReVamp Lass -- who, like Professor Perhap, had
> served as a member of the Evil Brotherhood of Evil Net.
> Villains -- offered me a wry grin.
> 
>      "I wouldn't believe everything Professor Perhap told
> me, if I were you," she said.

Hmmmm hmmm!  Hmmmmmm...

>      "And then you come along -- you, Lite -- and you
> decide that you don't need to wear a costume," Substitute
> Lad said, stepping forward so that the red mirror of his
> mask was just inches away from my face.

...what, seriously?

>      "Suddenly, all the rules are off," ReVamp Lass said,
> her voice trembling with anger.  "Anybody -- in costume or
> out of it -- is a potential threat.  Anybody could be more,
> or less, than they seem.  The only winning strategy, if
> you're a villain, is to lash out at everything that steps
> in front of you with everything you've got."

Seriously.  There's never been another uncostumed hero in the history of
the Looniverse.  What.

>      "Come now, Hector," Mrs. Prof chided.  "Everybody knows
> that my husband would no more consider running off to play
> super-hero without a teenage sidekick than he would without
> his mask or cape.  And if one Easily-Discovered Man Lite
> wasn't around..."

...eeesh.

>      "If only it were that simple," he said.  "Even if
> I were to accept what you say, and choose to retire from
> the field of battle, like some caped Cincinnatus...
> how can I ignore the responsibility bestowed upon me
> by my fabulous powers?  How could I continue to radiate
> glory... to stand out among all others by the very ease
> of my detection... and not use those remarkable abilities
> in the fight against evil?"
> 
>      It was to the credit of Professor Wong's friends and
> family that not a single one of them snickered, coughed or
> rolled their eyes in the silence that followed.

Would that we were all so noble in the face of adversity.

>      "If you truly wish to become a new man," ReVamp Lass
> said slowly, "there is a way."
> 
>      The Prof looked up.
> 
>      "If your powers are the only things keeping you from
> being the husband... the father... the teacher.., the man
> you have always yearned to be... I can remove them,"
> ReVamp Lass said.  "But think carefully, Easily-Discovered
> Man.  Is this what you truly desire?"

Aha!  Okay, okay, cool I get it.

> I'd even known heroes who had departed
> for another universe, or been wiped out of existence by
> changes to continuity (this was, I told myself, why
> Areo Lass had stopped returning my phone calls).

Sure, Lite.

>      But in Net.ropolis, in the city with the greatest per
> capita population of superhumans on earth, I had never met
> a retired super-hero.  Or a sidekick, for that matter.
> For an organization with hundreds of members, with
> resources that went beyond the cutting edge and a reach
> that extended outside of the known universe, the LNH
> had one hell of a lousy retirement plan.

Ahhhhh, this is why you asked.

>      "And that you appear to have no marketable skills,
> other than committing random acts of violence with kitchen
> utensils," added the Prof's wife.
> 
>      "Irene!  This will not do!" the Prof said.
> 
>      "It's okay, Prof.  She's actually quoting from my
> LinkedIn profile," I said.

Heeheehee.

>      "So ask yourself what a hero -- the hero you have
> always been -- would do now," I continued.  "And whatever
> the answer is, whatever you decide to do, I'll stand by
> you.  And I'll kick the shins of anybody who says otherwise."
> 
>      The Prof stared at me for what seemed like a long
> time, then smiled.
> 
>      "Remember me well," he said, "for from this day
> forward, my career as Easily-Discovered Man lives only
> in your memory."

Holy shit. o.o

>      ReVamp Lass removed her glasses, wiped them, then
> replaced them on her face.  She regarded the Prof with
> a look of intense concentration.  As she did, the
> shadows in the living room grew longer and darker,
> stretching out from the curtains, the doorways, the
> cracks along the floor, cascading along in a sable
> wave until at last they reached out to touch Professor
> Wong.
> 
>      A moment later, and his phosphorescent glow
> was gone.
> 
>      "Consummatum est," the Prof said.

Holy crap! o.o

>      "Where is Professor Wong's mask?" I heard
> Professor Dahl ask, followed by several muffled cries
> of "I don't have it" and "I thought you had it?"
> 
>      The mask in question, still glowing, still warm,
> remained in my back pocket as I fled into the night.

...ooooooooooh. <3 <3 <3

>     NEXT ISSUE: Can Easily-Discovered Man Lite solve the
> mystery of the Waffle Queen's murder while eluding the LNH,
> the villainous Mynabird, and any further "Beige Midnight"
> crossovers?  Can the help of an old friend -- and the home
> of an older enemy -- provide him with the information he
> needs?  Can the author get away with continuing "The Adventures
> of Easily-Discovered Man" without the presence of the title
> character?  All this, and substantially less, in a story
> our focus group has recommended we call "Barnstorming!"

I say this with complete sincerity: I cannot *wait* to read what happens
next.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, my god, yes yes yes.