REPOST/LNH: Master Blaster & Twaeila #2

Phantasm phantom_belcher at
Sun Oct 30 12:09:51 PDT 2011

Pullemouttayerhat Productions
A Wholly-Owned Subsidiary of StarFall Innovations
(Parent Company of StarFall Comics)
Proudly Presents...


"What did I say about that name?!"
*sounds of the Narrator strangling the female lead*
*AHEM* On we go.

#2: "Trust Me. I Know What I'm Doing."

Cover: Master Blaster with his gun hoisted like a rocket launcher,
pointed right at the reader.

  "Run this plan by me again, kid?" Master Blaster asked into his
helmet radio, astride his custom Hog as he waited at a red light.
  "Simple enough," came the reply.  "We drive around, waiting for the
Men in Brown to attack us."
  "And if they don't?"
  "They're gunning for me, remember?  They'll play their hand
  "But how long do we have to wait?"
  "Getting impatient on me, Rob?"
  "No, Twaeila.  Just... something's not right.  You've been hanging
around since the Melissa caper.  Why come after you now?"
  "The Writers got bored, and remembered I was around?"
  Master Blaster shrugged as he gunned the engine; the light had
changed green.  He could see Twaeila, his partner -- he avoided
calling her a sidekick -- up ahead, riding on her own motorcycle.
Rob's Hog was a Harley Custom; Twaeila's was a futuristic model she'd
referred to as an "Excaliber Cybercycle" in the past.  He didn't pry
too much, she'd reveal more as she wanted to.  He found they made an
interesting pair.  Both were agile, strong, and carried powerful guns.
  Scanning the rooftops as he drove, he wondered aloud.  "You'd think
the MiBs woulda shown by now.  We've been driving around since last
issue.  We've covered all of Downtown and Central.  Want to swing onto
the Turnpike and up to Net.wark?"
  "This issue just started, big guy.  Hold your horses."
  Still, he noticed by the path she was taking that she was headed in
the geneal direction of the Net.Jersey Turnpike.
  "Brown car on the right-hand side," she told him, as they stopped at
the booths to get their tickets onto the Turnpike.
  "I see it," he replied, glancing in that direction.  "Two of them in
brown suits.  And that is one *ugly* purple car on the left."
  "S#!t.  Gun it, Rob.  Those aren't locals."
  Twaeila ignored the bridge heading over the Turnpike, instead
forcing her cycle off the bridge and down onto the road.  Gunning its
engine, she forced the bike to its limit as she raced down the
freeway. Shaking his head, Master Blaster closed his faceplate, and
followed her lead.
  Checking his rear-views, he wasn't that surprised to see the brown
sedan in pursuit.  However, it was the ugly purple car also in close
pursuit that got his attention.  Both cars had attempted to duplicate
their feat; but only the brown sedan had succeeded, and was gaining.
The purple car ended up landing hood-first on the freeway.
  Master Blaster took all of one second to study his options, then
acted.  Braking, he spun around so that the brown sedan would hit him
head on.  Smiling, he pulled out his Really Big Gun of 1,001 Settings,
and set it to "Whoops!"  Then, ever so calmly, as the brown sedan got
steadily closer, he squeezed the trigger.
  It wasn't an energy beam that hit the car, as the Men in Brown in
the front seat had expected.  It was a rocket.  An honest-to-$deity
*rocket*.  They'd made sure their sedan had the latest in bullet-proof
windows and energy-reflective coatings.  But they'd never expected the
gun their quarry's partner was carrying to be capable of *that*.
  Their eyes went wide as they watched the rocket fly right at them,
and they had enough sense to bail before it struck.  The rocket
impacted on the engine grill.  The rocket exploded, causing the
futuristic engine in the sedan to explode.  The car exploded in a
spectacular fireball.
  Master Blaster calmly put his gun away, flipped the MiBs the bird,
then gunned his engine, looking to catch up to Twaeila.  Overhead, a
brown helicopter followed him, followed closely by a gaudy neon-purple
and green jet.

  Twaeila, on the other hand, had stopped on the side of the freeway
when she'd heard the explosion.  Looking back, she saw Master Blaster
coming over a rise... followed closely by the brown helicopter.
  Leaping back on the Excaliber, she gunned its engine, and raced
towards him.  "Bogey on your six, partner.  I got 'im."
  Twaeila kicked in her cycle's rocket thrusters, and the cycle flew
up and over Master Blaster's Hog, on a collision course with the
  With the flip of a switch, a panel on the front of the cycle popped
open, and a pair of small rockets flew into the engine of the
helicopter, which exploded in a spectacular fireball.
  Twaeila landed on her rear wheel, and quickly slid to a halt.
"Scratch one bad guy!" ^_^_v
  That was when the jet passed overhead.
  "What was that thing?" Master Blaster asked.  "It was... cute.  In
an evil, disgusting kind of way."
  "Its from my home universe, a Luv Fighter."
  "A what?"
  "Repainted Yakolev Yak-130 advanced trainer and ground attack
aircraft, replacing the older war-surplus Saab 105s that filled the
same role," she explained.  "Remember when I mentioned the Purple
Messiah in my flashback last issue?"
  "Well, meet his dain bramaged Imperial stormtrooper wannabes."  She
scanned the plane as it doubled back. "Plan, partner?"
  "They've targeted you, no doubt.  Break left, U-turn at the exit,
and... get going!"
  He shouted this because the plane passed overhead, releasing one of
its bombs.  The Luv Fighter's pilot, however, must have miscalculated,
because its cluster bomb failed to open, and impacted with a thud on
the pavement as the two cycles roared down the highway.
  "Well," Master Blaster muttered into the helmet, "that was... stupid
of them."
  "There's a reason we call them Sponge Minions back home, Rob."
  As the two raced off, a dopey, neon magenta... *thing* poked its
head out of the woods alongside the freeway, shaking its head, then
disappeared back into the foliage.
  "We can't outrace this thing.  Ready?"
  "As I'll ever be."
  "On three. One.  THREE!"
  As one, the two bikes came to a stop, and both hefted their guns.
As the Luv Fighter came into view, Twaeila set her gun to its ion
setting, Master Blaster set his to "Chunky Salsa."
  Both opened fire as the Luv Fighter passed overhead.  The plane,
riddled with blasts from her ion rifle and his gatling laser, was
quickly shredded.  The plane exploded in mid-air, as someone's blasts
hit the fuel tank to its engines.

  It was about two hours later when the they approached the bridge
across the De.LAN.warez River which separated Net.Jersey from  Unfortunately, they spotted both the standard brown
sedans of the Men In Brown and the neon purple and green ones of the
Purple Messiah's forces on both sides of the toll gate.
  "Rob?" She asked from where they stopped a half mile back.
  "Yeah, Twaei?"
  "Isn't it a little odd that the Men in Brown and the Purple Alliance
are working together?  This is the sixth place we've seen both."
  "You're right, that is odd."
  She stopped, and started taking off her armor.  Then she pulled a
cardboard box out of the one side box of the cycle.
  "What are you doing?"
  "Something I'd hoped I wouldn't have to do in this crazy, mixed up
universe.  I'm going to wear this damned costume."  With that she
disappeared into the woods.
  When she re-emerged, Master Blaster had to look twice to be sure
that it really *was* his partner in that get-up.  Gone were Twaeila's
ever-present jeans, boots, and t-shirt.  In their place was a
skintight, two-tone grey bodysuit, complete with cape and cowl that
left just the nose and mouth open, accessorized with a belt, a number
of belt pouches, and a single bandolier going from her left shoulder
to right hip.  Emblazoned on her right breast were the letters "FL" in
hot pink.  Her boots had been replaced with a set of dark grey
platform shoes.  Topping all this off was a long black wig coming out
of the back of the cowl and cascading down to the small of her back.
  "Remind me to kill New Look Lass when we get back to the LNHQ," she
grumbled.  "'Stylish and functional,' my candy-coated ass.  I feel
like an anime fangirl convention reject in this outfit.  At least I
managed to get rid of the damn Wonderbra she'd built into this thing."
  "Yeah," Master Blaster thought to himself, "that's Twaeila alright."
  "Just why *are* you wearing that, anyways?" he asked.
  "Well, they're looking for Twaeila Brock.  They're not looking
for..." she choked on the name, mumbling it
  "For who?" he asked.
  "For..." she mumbled the name again.
  "For who..?"
  "*FUTURE LASS*!" she spat, getting right up in his face.  "YOU *HAD*
  "*You're* the one wearing the costume," he pointed out.
  "Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck," came a dopey, lilting, yet menacing voice
from behind them.  Both of them turned to face the voice, grabbing
their guns.
  "What the hell?"
  "Remember when I mentioned the Purple Messiah in my flashback
sequence last issue?"
  "Well, meet its present-day counterpart.  B'Harnie, the HellWyrm."
There was an obvious distaste in the way she said the name.
  "Too kind, my Special Friend, you're way too kind."
  "What do you want, demon?"
  "A little song, a little dance, your father's head on a lance....
You'll tell me where he is, won't you?"
  "Go back to hell."
  "So angry, hyuck hyuck.  I know what you need! You need a song! o/~
I luv you, you luv me...o/~"
  "Cover your ears, Rob!" Twaeila yelled at her partner, but it was
too late.  Master Blaster had lowered his gun, setting in on the
ground, and was starting to join in the slow, hypnotizing song.
Twaeila got right up in his face, and grabbed him by the ears.
  "Rob!  Think sleazy thoughts!  Block it out!  Come on, man!  Think!
aLLiterative Lass in her Novice Ninja outfit!  Panta naked!  Skunk
Girl in the shower! Writer's Block Woman in her outfit from issue
#35!  Dammit! Come on, man, SNAP OUT OF IT!"
  o/~ With a kiss and a hug straight from me to you.... o/~"
  Twaeila grinned, the lyrics of the HellChant giving her an idea.
She leapt up, wrapper her arms around Master Blaster's neck, and gave
him a kiss, right on the lips.
  Master Blaster stopped singing, and not only because his mouth was
full. B'Harnie had stopped singing as well, its dead eyes going wide.
It seemed like minutes before Twaeila broke the kiss.
  "PERVERT!" she yelled, pushing away from him. "PEDOPHILE!" She
roundkicked him on the chin.  "RAPIST!"  She followed through on that
one with a kick to his groin.
  "Rapist?!" he yelled, reaching for his gun as he staggered about.
"You kissed me! YOU kissed ME!"
  "Who would believe that, ya scuz?" she retorted.  "Everyone knows
your reputation! o/~ I'm gonna tell the Ninja! I'm gonna tell the
Ninja! o/~"  As she sang, she leapt around acrobatically, bouncing off
both bikes, the trees, Master Blaster, and B'Harnie.
  "Oh, no you don't!"  With a flick of the switch, he set his Really
Big Gun of 1,001 Settings to "SAMMY DAVIS JR BROILER CHICKEN."  "Eat
this, bitch!"
  "Gotta catch me, first!"  She ducked behind the HellWyrm, just as
Master Blaster pulled the trigger.  Flames leapt from the gun,
roasting the demon where it stood.
  "You can put that thing away, now, Rob," she stated a few minutes
later, poking her head out from behind the demon's still-burning
corpse.  "I think its dead again.  Whew, does melting foam stink!"
  Robert Martinez, aka Master Blaster, stopped for a moment and
blinked cartoonishly, lowering the gun.  "Huh?  You mean...?"
  "Wake up and smell the burning styrofoam, Rob.  The demon had you
under its spell there for a moment.  I had to do *something* to snap
you out of it."
  She walked over to the bikes, picked up a pair of binoculars, and
scanned the gates.  The brown cars were still there, but the purple
and green ones were slowly disappearing.
  "Just what I thought would happen," she muttered.
  "Well, it was the HellWyrm's presence in this universe that was
enabling his sponge-for-brains cronies to exist here as well.  When
you killed its current form, the demonic magic holding them in this
universe was broken.  The Men in Brown are still hanging around,
  "So where to, now?"
  "My father once had a base set up in the Mountains of  During one of the many universe-warping events, it
ended up gettting duplicated across several worlds.  Hopefully, this
one is one of them."
  She straddled the bike, still in her new "costume", and gunned its
engine.  "Oh, and Rob?"
  "That never happened.  Got that?"
  Master Blaster nodded.  Getting kissed by a teenager while under
demonic influence was one memory he'd rather just forget.  "And what
about these MiBs?"
  "You take the cars on the left, I take the cars on the right."

  It seemed like it was over very quickly.  The two raced their cycles
across the bridge.
  Master Blaster flipped the switch on his gun once more.  This time,
it read "Gesundheit."  As he sped past the cars, the 40mm gatling
grenade launcher inside his gun spoke, spitting 300 armor piercing
explosive grenades a second into each car, resulting in a series of
spectacular explosions.
  Future Lass...
  Twaeila, on the other hand, had opted for her Excaliber's missiles.
The results were no less spectacular.  By the time the cycles had
passed through the gates, obligingly dropping two tokens each in the
bins, all of the brown sedans were smoking ruins.

  MiB Agent 2112 gazed in the direction the two had fled.
  "I'm gonna get those two," he mumbled.   "Agent 2998, put in a call
to headquarters.  We're activating *her*."

NEXT: Who is Agent 2112 telling his people to activate?

Sadly, I never got #3 written, then I went net.dead for a while, and
lost track of RACC.

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