LNH/SG: Beige Midnight #9: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! II: "Mite-Lite of the Gods" (1/3)

[Andrew Perron]

Bluh, why haven't I replied to this yet.  Ah, yes, I was going to do
it as a Kid Review, but then that ballooned all out of whatever.  Oy.

On Oct 10, 8:35 pm, Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net> wrote:

> This was very difficult, thought Building Suspense Lad as he was hanging
> with just one hand on a helicopter landing skid.  And it wasn't helping that
> his arch-enemy Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story was trying to stomp his
> fingers.  And there seemed to be a beige tarantula (actually pink) crawling
> up his leg.

This is the best of all the archnemeses, methinks!

> Something about
> landing the helicopter so that they could kick
> Always-Seems-Powerful-On-His-Own-But-Gets-His-Ass-Kicked-in-Crowd-Scenes
> Boy's ass (or Vick hist Vozz).  But Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story would
> have none of that.  He kept shouting, "Get on with the damn story!!" over
> and over again while he tried to stomp Building Suspense Lad's fingers.

Oh, I dunno, I think that'd move the plot along - or perhaps it would
just insert a superfluous fight.  Hmmm...

> There
> were three RACCelestials just hovering above it all and just watching -- and
> occasionally muching off a big bowl of popcorn they had.

Bwahahaha.

> And
> just when it seemed like he couldn't hold on forever, his eight year old
> self had a flashback involving his three year old self and...
>
> "GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!!  GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!!!!!!!"

Hah!  Classic.

> I look at my hand.  Red dripping.  Dripping all over.  And I turn my
> head to see my teammates.  My poor doomed teammates.  My poor doomed LNH
> sub group.  Team
> LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-Mynabird-to-Show-What-an-Incredib­le-Bad-Ass-He-Is.
>   My team.

I didn't mention this before, but: I hate this trope and I love how
you parodied it. <3

> And over there,
> Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead
> Man.  The hothead of our group.  He was so angry at the world.  Angry at a
> world that hates superheroes with incredibly long names.  May he find peace
> in the afterlife.

Damn you, Eiler!

> I grew up in a place called Quick Slide Falls.  Time is so much faster
> there.  It was a place effected by the Slide-Rule of Time.  In Quick
> Slide Falls, 40 years has passed since Mynabird formed the Legion of
> Net.Villains as opposed to the only one year or so in the rest of the
> world.  And because of that the legend of Mynabird is even greater there.

Oooooooooooh.  I love love love this idea and must use it in a story.

> Even my Mother, my dear sweet Mama who loved me more than anything -- I
> remember these words she said after I had graduated from college at the
> age of 16.  She gave me a big hug and said this with tears streaming
> from her eyes.  "Honey, I'm so proud of you.  I'm so proud.  And I want
> you to remember this.  Don't let anyone -- and I mean anyone tell you,
> you can't do anything you set your mind too.  Don't let anyone!" she
> said pointing her finger straight at me.  "Because if you work hard
> there's nothing you can't accomplish.  Nothing!  You can do it all,
> child.  You can do it all.  Well, except for beating Mynabird of course.
>   You can't do that.  That boy's too much of a badass.  But everything
> else of course."

Ow. XD Excellent subversion.

> And that's how we all ended up here.  That's how they all died.  And now I'm
> dying.  I can hear Mynabird's suit stomping over here.  His shadow hovering
> over me.  Maybe just maybe -- there's still a chance.  A chance to beat
> him.  I go for my gun.  And I point it and -- *click*.  *Click*.  Out of
> bullets.
>
> And I can see Mynabird looking down at me.  And he says something --
> something to me.  "You can't beat me."  And I want to laugh, but it's too
> painful.

Hmmmm.  While this is nicely drama-y, I was expecting a bit more of a
twist on the situation.

> I see a crackle start to emit from Mynabird's hand.  Only time for one more
> thought.
>
> Probably should have taken down the Bryttles first.

That's good, though. <3

> Why not just kill this Lite himself?  He had a feeling that the LNFL was
> probably going to lose this battle anyways and that there was going to be a
> change in leadership after that happened.  If he killed Lite he would not
> only rob Mynabird of his revenge, but also show the rest that he could do
> something Mynabird had failed repeatedly to do.  Kill Easily-Discovered Man
> Lite.  They'd have to make him leader.

Oho.  Makes sense.

> "Yes," said Eyes without a Face.  "Only one person alive would wield such a
> sword into battle.  There for that means that Mr. 'omage is actually."
>
> And they shouted together, "REBEL YELL!!!!!"
>
> "Let's thrash that 'eretic!!!!"

XD This is great, I love this so much

> "Seriously?" asked Kid Don't-You-(Forget About Me).

Archenemy of Kid Escape (The Pina Colada Song).

> "Wow, that was rather disappointing," said Eyes without a Face.  "Oh,
> sod this.  Let's go steal some more electric guitars and peroxide!!"
> And with that Billy's Idolaters rushed off into the day crying,
> "Peroxide!!!"

PEROXIDE! (It's pointystingy in cuts!)

> The Ultimate Ninja felt out of breath.  That shouldn't be happening.  He
> was never out of breath.  In the last ten minutes or so he had only
> managed to slaughter a mere 99 evil alternate LNH teams.  Teams made up
> of 400 to 500 or so members.  That was what -- only 49,000 or so?  He
> shouldn't be this tired.

Noooo, not Easily-Deceptive Man!  Not Anaeas Bodycount!  Not WikiBrat!

> wReamicus Maxitron laughed.  "But now I have achieved a form even Dave
> cannot resist loving.  This RoboMAC form.

Hah, yes, I'm surprised he hadn't done this yet.  Some really good
story logic in this one.

> And now he shall lead me in
> victory against you and help me conquer the Looniverse so I can spread the
> word of Dave to every galaxy to every planet.  Even as we speak, a team of
> my devoted acolytes are heading to LNHHQ sub-sub basement #58.5 to acquire
> all the Cosmic Plot Device, Ring of Retconn, Insanity Gauntlet, and anything
> else of value."

...how does he expect them to *win* against people that have the above
list of items?
> "A man eating giant half scorpion/octopus creature," said Max.
>
> "And map eating also," said Lyle.

*giggles*

> The severed head of wReamicus Maxitron watched as the Ultimate Ninja
> somersaulted over his RoboMAC body and onto slaughtering even more evil
> alternate LNHes.
>
> Finally wReamicus Maxitron's severed head looked slightly up towards the
> Fourth Wall.  "Ah, Dave.  You're a hard deity to please."

Love.

> Well-Adjusted-And-Doesn't-Have-To-Dress-Up-Like-An-Animal-To-Deal-With-His-­Crippling-Emotional-Pain
> Guy shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets.  "Well, yeah.  But
> it's not like the Legion is in a position to complain about long names,
> is it?  Anyway, let's get on with this.  I'm meeting with my
> not-dead-at-all parents later for lunch.  Because, you know, they love
> me and like to keep in touch."

More like Has-To-Be-A-Smug-Bastard-To-Deal-With-His-Crippling-
Insecurity Guy >:/

> "How peculiar!" said a slightly disturbed Boy Lad disappointed because
> he couldn't use his gun.  "Should put those labcoat types in a
> internment camp or something!"  And then he looked at his watch.  "Oh!
> Got to make the trains run on time!"

Already talked about this bit...

> "Boy," said Retcon Lad.  "Not breaking the Fourth Wall is a lot harder
> than it seems.  We should probably switch villains with somebody else."
>
> "Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

XD This scene is elegant in concept.

> And Sister-SHOUT-the-Obvious looked at the two passed out supervillains.
> "HMM!  THAT BEING SAID, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD!  AND I CAN'T BE TOO
> PICKY!  I WONDER IF THAT WEIRD LOOKING DINOSAUR CREATURE IS SINGLE!"

Heeheeheehee.  I like her.

> "Then Ten Years from now, Thread Bear.  We shall dance in each other's
> blood!  So it is written!!"
>
> "So it is written!!" roared Thread Bear.  "Oh, and here's a card for back
> specialist I know.  He's a miracle worker."
>
> "Thanks," said the Bear Killer who took the card and then disappeared into
> the raging battle.
>
> Thread Bear looked at his watch.  "Hmm.  Looks like it's about quitting
> time!"

That's basically the best way this particular confrontation could've
gone.

> And there were four of them.  The first one was a blonde haired women with
> swastikas tattooed all over her whole body.  She wore a leather SS outfit
> and she wielded a black whip.  Her name was Hitlerinna Hitlerella.

That's funny in and of itself, but I don't quite see how the
counterpart-ness works, either for Kyoko or Crystal.

> As they entered the LNHHQ lobby, they saw three people manning the
> receptionist desk.  Kyoko Ishikawa, who had two sharpened pencils in her
> hand.  Lester O'Brien, who had a hot pot of coffee.  And finally Fred.  Fred
> the Receptionist.  Who had a gun.
>
> "Could you explain to me why you're the only one of us that has a gun?"
> asked Kyoko.
>
> "Hey, I'm not writing this story!" said Fred.

It was in the Lost-and-Found.

> "Shut up, weakling!" said Hitlerinna Hitlerella cracking her whip.  "This is
> the beginning of the Master Race -- The Master Receptionist Race!!!!"
> Hitlerinna cackled with glee.

If chauffeurs ruled the world~

> "Kyoko!  Lester!  Let's show these bums what we're made of!" said Fred.
>
> "That's easy for the guy who has the gun to say," muttered Kyoko as she
> clenched her sharpened pencils in her hands.

Heeheeheehee

> Fred nodded.  "Yes.  Buddy.  Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH
> Receptionist!  He saved us with his drunk driving abilities."
>
> "God bless him," said Lester.

A callback to the works of Arthur Spitz!?  Magnificent!

> "Ooh!  They're adorable!  Just adorable!" said Catalyst Lass as the evil LNH
> babies crawled closer.  "I mean, yes -- I know they're supposedly evil LNH
> babies, but really!  I'm sure all they need is a loving nurturing family to
> raise them and they'd all grow up to be decent caring superheroes.  That's
> what they need!"

D'awwww! <3 I guess these are the offspring from the Evil XXX
Looniverse.

>      |                                  Best Regards, |
>      |                                  Superguy      |

Oooooh, nice.  Someone *did* respond to the signal!  I like how you
worked in the nobody-ever-sees-him aspect.

> And as Occultism Kid prepared to put on the Ring of Retconn, he felt a sharp
> jolt.  It was from the Cosmic Plot Device.  He could feel a deep hatred emit
> from the Cosmic Plot Device.  It didn't want anything to do with the Ring of
> Retconn.  And the Ring felt likewise.  It didn't really matter to Occultism
> Kid though.  He didn't really care about whatever history or whatever caused
> this hatred.  He had much bigger things to worry about.

Innnnnteresting. (OK, this is why you are still not yet the master.)

What if he hadn't used the ring to heal his wound?  Would he have
> had enough power to stop the Bryttles?  Was that why the invisible force was
> laughing?  Was Occultism Kid's choice to save his own life something that
> he'd eventually regret?  Was he supposed to sacrifice his own life to stop
> the Bryttles?  And now that he had failed to do that he would have to
> sacrifice others to ultimately end the Dekay and Diskolor?
>
> It was pointless to speculate.  He couldn't retcon his retcon.


Yeah, that way lies the Special Editions.

> His hand reached for the Gauntlet.  But before he could put it on, the
> Crossover Gem suddenly burst a huge beam towards the ceiling and beyond
> that.

!

> The Personifications of Old, Dead Crossovers and Events began to rise.
> First the Cosmic Plot Device Caper and then the rest.  Electrocutioner's
> Song.  Robot Invasion.  Bad Forms.  Omaha Project.  All Six Flame Wars.  The
> Century Pact.  Mutton Mania.  The Imagine Saxon's RACCies Family.  And
> countless others.


Crap crap crap! *works furiously on #12*

> And somewhere on the ground Continuity Porn Star convulsed and spasmed with
> ecstasy.

Oh god. XD The mental images!  I can't look away!

> "Sorry no," said the Free Pretzel Stand Man shaking his head.  "All I can
> give you is..." and he paused while pulling out a cross bow, "Is
> Death!!!!!"  And then he ripped off his mask to reveal himself as
> The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far!
> "Yes it's me, TVTWHAIJ7ITWHBTW-That-Far!!  And now I can finally get revenge
> on you, Slobbering Grue!  And because of all those pretzels you ate your
> Slobbering powers won't be able to save you now!!  You're Finished!!
> Muhahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!"
>
> "Oh man!" said Slobbering Grue! snapping his fingers.  "I really should have
> seen that coming!"


Gasp!  I'm shocked!  I'm even more shocked because I've certainly
never found myself in a similar situation WRT following up on
plotlines from years and years ago, what are you talking about!

> ==We're robot duplicates of the real Drifter and Windrider.==

Hah! XD

> "Hmm, I don't remember Drifter ever firing a machine gun," said
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite entering the scene.  "Or fighting in Matrix
> Slo-mo."
>
> "We should not jest," said Easily-Discovered Man with a hint of
> disapproval.  "Those robot duplicates gave their lives to protect us."

Or their existences, anyway.

> "This will all be revealed in Ubiquitous Force: The Beige Midnight
> Tie-In!" said Ubiquitous Boy dodging a cornstalk from the Omaha Project.
>
> "You know -- that's never going to be written," said Easily-Discovered
> Man Lite.  "You realize that, don't you?"
>
> "Fine!" grumbled Ubiquitous Boy.  "Then I guess we'll never know why me
> and Ubiquitous Lass were disguised as Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl!!"

It's because we're all deranged fanboys who love bringing back
characters that haven't been seen in years, of course.

> Easily-Discovered Man shook his head.  "It's okay.  It's over.  I can see a -- Light."

No, no, that's a Lite.

> And then Lite noticed the woman with the baby carriage.  The Woman with the Baby Carriage!!  Why in
> the world would a woman be pushing her baby in the middle of a superhero/villain brawl?  Some people
> shouldn't be parents.

A tragic commentary on our times. (These times being... about 3:30
EST.)

> And Easily-Discovered Man Lite fell to the ground.  He looked at his chest.  And then he laughed as he
> saw sparks come out of his body.  Of course!
>
> "Have to admit though, I thought the twist would be that I'd be one of those LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-
> To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation Front guys," said the Easily-Discovered Man
> Liter robo-duplicate.
>
> "No," said K.Oss tearing off his mask to reveal -- well you know, "That's who I am."

Of course!  I'm one of the tomatoes!

> "Okay, here's what I'm thinking," said Master Blaster as he looked at
> WikiBoy.  "I know I can't use you as a Deus ex Machina because of that
> stupid rule that some stupid Writer came up with about not using you as a
> Deus ex Machina.  But that being said I figure I could turn you into
> something that could beat nearly every villain out there leaving a few
> villains for yours truly to take down.  What do think?  Great idea or
> Greatest Idea?"
>
> "How about if I just shoot you?" said WikiBoy pointing a gun at Master
> Blaster.

Greatest idea! *woooooo*

> "Right at the moment this nerdy kid was being crowned King right next to the
> hottest girl in school who was being crowned Queen something happened?  You
> know what?  You know what happened next?  I'll tell you what happened.
> There was a big bucket filled with pig's blood and right as the hottest girl
> in school backed away the entire bucket spilled on this nerdy kid.

How do you even *get* that much pig's blood, anyway?

> "Hey, man.  What can I say?  I was just a stupid kid back then -- not the
> paragon of maturity and sensitivity I am now days.

This is probably the best line from this bit.

> "I wouldn't say that.  No, it made me realize that I would never get past
> that traumatic experience till I had gotten closure with every single person
> who laughed at me at that prom.  So I devoted my life to getting rich and
> using that money to destroy all you bastards.  I have spent the last 15
> years hunting and killing every student and faculty member that was at that
> prom.

...you know that's not what they mean by "closure", right?

> "And now she's dead.  That's not right.  And
> this isn't the first one.  There have been other classmates that have died
> recently.  It's like someone out there is killing old classmates of mine.
> Someone has to stop this.  Someone has got to figure this out.  Hey, I
> know!  How about me?  I'll find out who this person is using my master
> detective skills.  I'll figure this thing out!"

...you know, at this point, I'm not sure why he's still in the Legion.
(And then I imagine Ultimate Ninja saying: "You want we should let
*this* guy out into the world?" I'm not sure why he has a Yiddish
accent.)

> And the Ultimate Ninja stood over the dead body of Satan.  He examined the
> black cold shriveled heart in his hand.  Satan's heart.  He had killed so
> many this day.  Various galaxy eaters, apocalypse beasts, Crossover
> Personifications (at least Four of the Flame Wars), The Midgard Serpent,
> Net.hulhu, The Reanimated Corpse of Davy Crockett, Lord MUD (Again!) [See
> Ultimate Ninja #11.5 For the First Time -- Footnote Girl], two popcorn
> eating RACCelestials, and various other god like beings -- like they were
> flies.  And now Satan.

Doombots, all of them!

> He looked at a scar that the Midgard Serpent had given him.  He had tried to
> suck out all of the venom, but there was still some swimming inside him.
> Spreading throughout his body.  He could hear the venom speaking to his
> mind.  It was telling him -- that it was his time finally.  That he had
> fought the good fight -- but it was time to lie down.  Time to finally
> rest.  It was time for someone else to be -- The Ultimate Ninja.

The Penultimate Ninja sees his chance!

> It was fruitless 13 years as George Johnson was
> convinced that EDM Lite was actually Al Gore (this would turn out not to be
> the case).

Darn, I thought for sure.

>     "...And the might that glows shall rise and
>      become the Mynabird.  And he shall drown the
>      light..." -- Epilogues 58.5:12

Innnnteresting.

> "There's something wrong here," said Captain Continuity using his Continuity
> vision to gaze into the story.  "Ah, that's why.  We're no longer in
> Continuity."

Ooooh, makes sense.

> "What he's talking about Ultimate Ninja," said Mynabird returning blasts at
> Kid Kirby and the Ultimate Ninja, "Is that you're in a Elsewhirl.  My
> Elsewhirl!  And I make the rules here!"

Ah, of course, a *tornado*... nice.

> On the return back to the Loonivearth, the assassin
> called Arthur E. L. Presence told me about this world that only exists in
> Continuity during a few days of the year.  Every other day of year it's just
> an Elsewhirl."
>
> "Elsewhirleden!" said Kid Kirby.

XD Of course!

> Captain Continuity's head was now an itty bitty ant head on his normal
> superhero body.

Eeeee <3

> He looked at their dead bodies.  "It's okay.  You're not really dead.  This
> is just an Elsewhirl.  When the Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant ends its life
> cycle a half hour or so from now, you'll be back in continuity -- and back
> alive.  Of course by that time I'll have destroyed your LNH -- and had my
> revenge on Easily-Discovered Man Lite."

Ahhhh, makes sense.

> "You'll be alive.  Wish I could say the same thing about the only one who
> ever mattered to me."  Mynabird paused for a moment as he thought about
> Arachne.  "But that actually happened."
>
> And with that Mynabird exited out of the Elsewhirl and back into continuity.

This is possibly the best moment he's had.

>     ( )    "They drew first blood.  Not me." -- Rambo
>    oOOOo
>  \(     )/      Mynabird <edmlitesux at lnfl.org>
>    (   )
>   /// \\\    If you hate Easily-Discovered Man Lite
>               please e-mail me!  We can be friends!

Awwww!  I want to be his friend!

> The President, who had just a few days ago been Hex Luthor's Vice President,
> sighed.  He supposed it didn't really matter.  He couldn't really eat
> anything at a time like this.

Hmmm.  That's right, this guy...

> The President laughed.  "That's your hope?  You don't expect them to team up
> together to kill the people who were stupid enough to nuke them?  You don't
> think?"
>
> "Even if they do that -- the number of superbeings will still be low enough
> that we could handle them -- and stop them from taking over the world.

*looks at the guy who just killed a bunch of cosmic beings* Um.

> "They're called the -- Last Resorters!  They're a team we use on only
> impossible jobs.  Their team leader is an ex-LNH'r who had philosophical
> differences with the LNH."

Ooooh.  Very interesting.

> "They have a 10% success rate."
>
> "Only Ten Percent!"
>
> "Actually since we only ever use them for missions that are completely and
> utterly hopeless -- it's actually pretty good."

But do they have the courage that turns a 30% chance into 100%!?

(Also, why aren't they sending these guys against the supervillain
army?)

> The President put his hand over the button.  "We should probably pray."

Good detail.

> But what if this is all wrong?  Maybe this is what the Bryttles want?  For
> me to put on the Gauntlet.
>
> ++You can't doubt yourself.  You must be strong.  You must be in control.
> Only then can you beat the Bryttles.++

The whole "overcoming self-doubt" thing seems to be the central theme
of the mini - at least, of the conflict against the Bryttles.

> There was a massive burst of colors that flashed across the room.  And when
> the flash cleared, Occultism Kid, The Cosmic Plot Device, The Ring of
> Retconn, and the Book of Deus ex Machinas were gone.  Vanished.
>
> The only thing that was left was the Insanity Gauntlet.  It landed with a
> thud right in the middle of the pentagram made of Jello.
>
> Kid Anarky looked at the Gauntlet and then at the Dvandom Stranger.  "Okay.
> Was that supposed to happen?"

Damn.  That is an excellent cliffhanger.

> It was Bart.  Bart the Dark Receptionist.
>
> "Ah, finally.  You made it.  I was wondering if you'd ever get here."  Bart
> clapped his hands.
>
> "Welcome," said Bart with a smile.  "Welcome to my Final Trap."

Hmmmm.  Yes, this is quite a worthy cliffhanger as well!

> NEXT:            Ripping Dancer's Final FATE!

GASP!

> Thanks to Andrew Perron and Martin Phipps for their comments and
> corrections in the LNH Author's Group.

Woo!

> When I was a kid my favorite superhero stories were the ones that had
> tons of heroes and villains slugging it out and that's what I was going
> for here.

Mega Awesome Wars Battle!

> It's not really the ideal Ragnarok tale as I can't really kill off
> anyone who isn't my own character.  Dev-Null isn't dead -- just
> swallowed into a whale creature -- which I'm sure he'll survive.  I see
> Dev-Null as the Ultimate Survivor.  No matter what horrible place you
> put him -- he'll find a way out of it.

Hmmm, that makes sense.

> I'll try to get the next issue out before this year ends.  Hopefully,
> I'll have it finished by the end of November.

Yay~

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, you'd better, because sloth is
coming...