LNH/Contest: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #45

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Oct 3 10:52:15 PDT 2011

On Sep 30, 9:38 pm, Saxon Brenton <saxonbren... at hotmail.com> wrote:

> | | | [] egion of               \  'When Nerds Do Mythology: A Farce'

> | | Cover shows Retcon Lad holding the decapitated and petrified
> | | head of Medusa in both hands.  He is looking at it (without ill
> | | effect to himself), with an ambiguous expression on his face.

>      In an isolated but comfortably appointed villa, back in the age of
> ancient-overlapping-with-mythological Greece, Medusa sat brooding.  She
> was rightly angry about being betrayed by the goddess Athena, but
> bitterness had cankered her soul.  She was now a monster, and not just
> because of her appearance.

>      "We have continuity*?" said the first voice, pretending to be
> pleasantly surprised.  "Cool!"
>      "Retcon Lad, that joke was old when they used it back in the
> Retcon Hour crossover," sighed the female voice, which belonged to Fourth
> Wall Lass.
>      "Well, there you go then.  We do know where this story fits in
> continuity.  It's set sometime after Retcon Hour."

I love it when you write back-and-forth, have I mentioned that?

>      Retcon Lad threw his arms up in the air.  "Oh for...  Look, do we
> live in a parody universe or don't we?  I'll just yell, 'The year, man!  
> What year is this!?', and then the rules of comedy will ensure that
> they'll be able to tell us exactly when and where we are, and probably
> even provide a whole mess of other useful pieces of information."
>      ARAK raised an eyebrow.  "You just be careful.  They'll probably
> turn out to be a quest-giver, or something."
>      "Yeah, yeah.  You and your Joseph Campbell-style big words," said
> Retcon Lad, as he wandered over and knocked at the door.
>      Medusa opened the door.  Retcon Lad said, "Pardon me, miss, but
> could you please..."  And that was as far as he got before he turned
> to stone.

Oh, Retcon Lad.  You forget that *invoking* the rules means that
they're inevitably going to be subverted.

>      Irritated now, Retcon Lad decided to invoke his powers and tweak
> what had happened.  It wasn't *just* that he auto-resurrected himself
> every time he got killed.  Now it was the case that he would gain
> immunity from this type of nonsense any time a mythopoeic creature
> tried this sort of crap on him.  Immunity, and the ability the bounce
> back any assault.

Hmmmm.  Doesn't he have to invoke some sort of "what really happened"
explanation for this kind of change?

> Meanwhile ARAK's expression was...
>      Well, do you remember those old Warner Brothers cartoons where the
> school kid Ralph Phillips was always letting his imagination run away
> with him, and just as a new flight of fancy overtook him the corners of
> his mouth would curl upwards in a really goofy smile?  That was the sort
> of expression that Anal-Retentive Archive Kid had on his face.

...thank you for that absurdly evocative reference. <3

>      Retcon Lad saw this, and said, "No, we are not using a time machine
> to visit the cities of Sodom and Gomorra, twice."
>      "Well, darn," said ARAK, apparently not particularly upset by this.  
> "I obviously need to work on my poker face."

I don't quite get this bit, tho.  Does he mean to get Retcon Lad to
zap the angels?

>      "No no no.  It'll be Perseus who gets the power to turn people to
> stone," she said.  "Don't you see, we arrange for him to be BITTEN BY A
>      The other two Legionnaires stared at her.  "Cooool!"

I agree with them!

>      "Right.  Just checking.  Anyway, Perseus fumbles the head of
> Medusa, and gets a scratch from one of the sharp edges on those
> tusk-like teeth.  By the power of handwavey mumbojumbo he gains the
> power to turn people to stone - but only when he's making a conscious
> effort and only when he's using the head of Medusa."
>      "The head will be his Obvious Accessible Foci," said Retcon Lad,
> lapsing into role-playing game jargon.

Obviously, it's a minor lycanthropic effect, bleeding off the curse of

>      "Right.  Anything else?  No?  Then let's get to work."
>      The three of them manhandled the statue back inside the house.  
> Then Fourth Wall Lass took a battery from her communicator.thingee,
> carefully bashed it open with a rock, then dabbed the contents of the
> battery onto the teeth of Medusa and her snake hair.

Or that.

>      "Uh, lithium isn't radioactive, you know," protested ARAK.
>      "Details details," she said dismissively.  "A moment ago you were
> happy to have a scratch work as a metaphor, but now you're complaining
> that I'm not using the exact materials.  Make yourself useful and go
> and find some green paint."

Obviously all .thingee materials are infused with a small amount of
plotdevicium radiation from the manufacturing process.

>      Fourth Wall Lass read these concerns in Perseus' thought balloons
> and quickly extemporised.  She opened a small hole in the fourth wall
> and said, "So, you are Perseus, come at the behest of the bitch goddess
> Athena.  I have been warned of your arrival, and now I will destroy
> you...  Uh.  Oh darn, my dress is caught.  Hold on a second..."

Heeheehee. (Also, wouldn't the bitch goddess be Hecate? ``)

>      Recognising an opportunity, Perseus sprung forward and chopped off
> Medusa's head.  There was literally a snicker-snack sound effect, and
> the head fell to the floor.
>      "Aahh!  You have killed me!" continued Fourth Wall Lass.  "Aahh!  
> I am turning to stone!"

XD Bwahahaha.

>      "You're right," ARAK agreed.  "Come on, let's get out of here."
>      They stepped back across the fourth wall, and were gone.

...so where exactly are they going?

Also, one thing that sorta bothered me: Retcon Lad going straight for
the lethal option.  Seemed a bit dark, even considering that she was
historically/mythologically going to die anyway.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, pointyman!

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