LNH: Incredibly Stupid Man #1
martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Thu Nov 17 05:23:27 PST 2011
INCREDIBLY STUPID MAN #1
Good evening. This is NNN, the Net.News Network, and I'm Trevor
With the 2012 Presidential Campaign well under way, I would like to
revisit an interview I did a couple of weeks ago with Republican
candidate Ian Christopher Stupidman.
NNN: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
ICS: Thank you for having me here.
NNN: Mr. Stupidman, is it true you were briefly a member of the LNH?
ICS: Yes, it was back a few years ago during the month of April. The
long month of April.
NNN: And what was your code name?
ICS: I was Incredibly Stupid Man.
NNN: Seriously? Why?
ICS: Well, there's my name. It is what it is. And there's the fact
that most of the LNH names are intended to be ironic. I mean,
Ultimate Ninja isn't really a ninja and Cheesecake Eater Lad doesn't
really eat Cheesecake.
NNN: Actually, Ultimate Ninja IS a ninja. He's the Ultimate Ninja.
ICS: Well, so did he -what?- go to ninja school and train to be a
NNN: Yes, he did actually. He was trained by the Ninja Master
ICS: Oh. Okay.
NNN: And Cheesecake Eater Lad does eat cheesecake.
ICS: But then he'd be really fat.
NNN: He was really fat when he joined the Legion. But then Ultimate
Ninja got him on a training program so he wouldn't actually be obese,
ICS: Well, okay, but what about Super Apathy Lad? He was the LNH
leader at one point!
NNN: Every member of the LNH got to be the leader of the LNH that
month. Even you got to be leader of the LNH.
ICS: True. I had just joined the LNH and they made me leader. That
was when I realized I should go into politics.
NNN: I see. So what do you stand for?
ICS: I stand for reduced government.
NNN: What does that mean?
ICS: I say that the American people don't need a government running
NNN: So we should just have anarchy?
ICS: Oh, no. We'd still have the police and the military.
NNN: And who would they answer to?
ICS: The people, of course.
NNN: And how would that work?
ICS: The same way it has worked in this country for hundreds of
years! Through elected officials!
NNN: In other words... a government.
ICS: Well, sure, but it would be a smaller government.
NNN: So what would you cut?
ICS: Medicare. Pension plans. Education.
NNN: Seriously? Education? No more schools?
ICS: Oh, we would have schools but they would be run by local church
groups. That way we can guarantee the right curriculum.
NNN: I see. What about foreign policy then?
ICS: I don't want any foreign policies here.
NNN: What do you mean?
ICS: I think any foreign policies here in the Loonited States should
go back to the country they came from.
NNN: Um... I mean, what about Iran, for example.
ICS: Especially Iran. I don't want any wops here.
NNN: Wop is a derogatory name for Italians, not Iranians.
ICS: Is there a difference?
NNN: Actually, yeah. A lot of people are concerned about Iran
developing nuclear weapons.
ICS: I see. But we already have these weapons ourselves, don't we?
NNN: Well, yes, we do.
ICS: Then what's the problem?
ICS: Seriously. I mean, so what if they are developing new clear
weapons? Am I supposed to believe that their new clear weapons are
going to be as good as our old clear weapons?
NNN: Nuclear weapons can destroy entire cities.
ICS: Doesn't matter. Not as long as our old clear weapons are just as
as their new clear weapons. And they'd have to be but it's good old
NNN: What I mean is whether or not you think it would be appropriate
to negotiate with President Ahmadinejad.
ICS: President who?
NNN: The Iranian President.
ICS: But we have weapons that can destroy entire cities, right?
NNN: Yes, we do.
ICS: So why do we want theirs? What's to negotiate? We have our old
clear weapons and they have their new clear weapons? Why can't we
just get along?
NNN: But he could use nuclear weapons on American cities.
ICS: He wouldn't do that.
NNN: How can you be so sure?
ICS: Because the Loonited States passed the Patriot Act a few years
ago making terrorism illegal. He'd be facing life in prison would no
chance for parole.
NNN: I don't think he's worried about that.
ICS: Well then, we'll bug his phone. Find out who he is talking to.
Let the FBI deal with him.
NNN: But he's in Iran. That's the CIA's jurisdiction.
ICS: Oh, even better! I remember Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies.
He was a CIA agent and he kicked ass. So, you see, it wouldn't be a
NNN: Thank you again for agreeing to this interview.
ICS: Thank you again for having me here.
That was two weeks ago and today the latest polls have Ian
Christopher Stupidman leading the pack. God help us all.
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