LNH: Incredibly Stupid Man #1

[Martin Phipps]

                         INCREDIBLY STUPID MAN #1

  Good evening.  This is NNN, the Net.News Network, and I'm Trevor
Trent.
  With the 2012 Presidential Campaign well under way, I would like to
revisit an interview I did a couple of weeks ago with Republican
candidate Ian Christopher Stupidman.

NNN: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.

ICS: Thank you for having me here.

NNN: Mr. Stupidman, is it true you were briefly a member of the LNH?

ICS: Yes, it was back a few years ago during the month of April.  The
long month of April.

NNN: And what was your code name?

ICS: I was Incredibly Stupid Man.

NNN: Seriously?  Why?

ICS: Well, there's my name.  It is what it is.  And there's the fact
that most of the LNH names are intended to be ironic.  I mean,
Ultimate Ninja isn't really a ninja and Cheesecake Eater Lad doesn't
really eat Cheesecake.

NNN: Actually, Ultimate Ninja IS a ninja.  He's the Ultimate Ninja.

ICS: Well, so did he -what?- go to ninja school and train to be a
ninja?

NNN: Yes, he did actually.  He was trained by the Ninja Master
himself.

ICS: Oh.  Okay.

NNN: And Cheesecake Eater Lad does eat cheesecake.

ICS: But then he'd be really fat.

NNN: He was really fat when he joined the Legion.  But then Ultimate
Ninja got him on a training program so he wouldn't actually be obese,
just rotund.

ICS: Well, okay, but what about Super Apathy Lad?  He was the LNH
leader at one point!

NNN: Every member of the LNH got to be the leader of the LNH that
month.  Even you got to be leader of the LNH.

ICS: True.  I had just joined the LNH and they made me leader.  That
was when I realized I should go into politics.

NNN: I see.  So what do you stand for?

ICS: I stand for reduced government.

NNN: What does that mean?

ICS: I say that the American people don't need a government running
things.

NNN: So we should just have anarchy?

ICS: Oh, no.  We'd still have the police and the military.

NNN: And who would they answer to?

ICS: The people, of course.

NNN: And how would that work?

ICS: The same way it has worked in this country for hundreds of
years!  Through elected officials!

NNN: In other words... a government.

ICS: Well, sure, but it would be a smaller government.

NNN: So what would you cut?

ICS: Medicare.  Pension plans.  Education.

NNN: Seriously?  Education?  No more schools?

ICS: Oh, we would have schools but they would be run by local church
groups.  That way we can guarantee the right curriculum.

NNN: I see.  What about foreign policy then?

ICS: I don't want any foreign policies here.

NNN: What do you mean?

ICS: I think any foreign policies here in the Loonited States should
go back to the country they came from.

NNN: Um... I mean, what about Iran, for example.

ICS: Especially Iran.  I don't want any wops here.

NNN: Wop is a derogatory name for Italians, not Iranians.

ICS: Is there a difference?

NNN: Actually, yeah.  A lot of people are concerned about Iran
developing nuclear weapons.

ICS: I see.  But we already have these weapons ourselves, don't we?

NNN: Well, yes, we do.

ICS: Then what's the problem?

NNN: Seriously?

ICS: Seriously.  I mean, so what if they are developing new clear
weapons?  Am I supposed to believe that their new clear weapons are
going to be as good as our old clear weapons?

NNN: Nuclear weapons can destroy entire cities.

ICS: Doesn't matter.  Not as long as our old clear weapons are just as
good
as their new clear weapons.  And they'd have to be but it's good old
American technology!

NNN: What I mean is whether or not you think it would be appropriate
to negotiate with President Ahmadinejad.

ICS: President who?

NNN: The Iranian President.

ICS: But we have weapons that can destroy entire cities, right?

NNN: Yes, we do.

ICS: So why do we want theirs?  What's to negotiate?  We have our old
clear weapons and they have their new clear weapons?  Why can't we
just get along?

NNN: But he could use nuclear weapons on American cities.

ICS: He wouldn't do that.

NNN: How can you be so sure?

ICS: Because the Loonited States passed the Patriot Act a few years
ago making terrorism illegal.  He'd be facing life in prison would no
chance for parole.

NNN: I don't think he's worried about that.

ICS: Well then, we'll bug his phone.  Find out who he is talking to.
Let the FBI deal with him.

NNN: But he's in Iran.  That's the CIA's jurisdiction.

ICS: Oh, even better!  I remember Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies.
He was a CIA agent and he kicked ass.  So, you see, it wouldn't be a
problem.

NNN: Thank you again for agreeing to this interview.

ICS: Thank you again for having me here.

  That was two weeks ago and today the latest polls have Ian
Christopher Stupidman leading the pack.  God help us all.

Martin