LNHX: Irony Man #1: LNHX Origins #1

[Martin Phipps]

                                IRONY MAN #1

                               LNHX ORIGINS #1

  We were just about to face Dr. Lo Kee when I couldn't help thinking
about how I got here.  It all started when I was born here in
Netropolis.  Well, actually, I can't tell you about that because I
don't remember being born.  One of my strongest memories is of when I
was six years old riding in the back of my dad's car.  I wasn't paying
any attention to where we were going because I was busy playing with
my Superguy action figure.
  That's why I don't remember the accident very well.
  For years I thought my dad blamed me for the accident and my
mother's death.  This was because my father hardly ever talked to me
after that.  It wasn't until years later that I realized that my
father didn't speak to me because he blamed himself for the accident
and, because he couldn't forgive himself for what happened, he always
assumed I was angry with him.  The truth is it felt like I had lost
both my parents that day.
  As my father drew away from me, so I drew away from the world around
me, concentrating on my schoolwork and hobbies to the exclusion of all
else.  In high school, I joined a science fair and planned to exhibit
a home made suit of armor that could be used to assist paraplegics.  I
didn't finish it on time for the competition but I kept working on it,
perfecting it, until finally I was ready to show it to someone.
  By that time, I had graduated from university with a degree in
mechanical engineering and had been accepted at a prestigious graduate
school.  I wore my armor to school and presented it to my academic
adviser.  He said it was amazing!  In fact, he said if I could draw up
plans for the armor then it could be included in my master's thesis.
Hell, for that matter he said that I might as well apply for the PhD.
program right then and there because my work was already that good I
would be sure to be accepted!
  But I said no.  My adviser was surprised.  He asked me why I would
work on this armor all these years and not try to get credit for it.
I realized that the armor I had built was unique and that if I drew up
plans for it and then published it then it would no longer be unique.
There would be thousands of these hard suits all over the world.  That
saddened me.  All this time I thought I was building the suit for
other people but I was really building the suit just for myself.
  Then it hit me.  I never realized how much my father really loved
me.  Nor did he realize how much I loved him.  That was ironic.  All
these years, I had closed myself off from the rest of the world, never
making any friends and what did I build?  A suit of armor.  Ironic.  I
thought all this time I wanted to be a great scientist and engineer
but then it hit me that this wasn't what I wanted at all.  On that
day, I wasn't just Toony Stork anymore.  I had become Irony Man.
  I went home with the armor.  I started working on a propulsion
system.  In a matter of months I had a suit that could fly.  As Irony
Man, I became Netropolis' newest and greatest hero, facing such
villains as the Scarlet Battery, Cold Front, Head Trauma and the
Landarin.
  One thing I forgot to do was maintain a secret identity.  I didn't
think I needed too, what with my mother having died when I was a child
and my father having died of cancer fifteen years later.  It wasn't as
if I had loved ones to protect.  So when Nick Furry wanted to contact
me all he had to do was send me an e-mail.  I
showed up, suit and all, at the address given in the e-mail at the
time given in the e-mail.
  The place where Nick Furry wanted me to meet him looked like an old
hotel on the outside but was modern and high tech on the inside.
There was a lobby with sofas and a desk with a male receptionist.
Nick Furry -a black man in a black outfit with an eye patch, frizzy
hair and a thick beard- met me in the lobby and led me to his office.
  Nick Furry was shorter than I expected him to be and, not being
one to keep things to myself, I said so.  He just laughed and said
that the smaller you are the less of a target you are.
  "Besides," he said, "when you are small they don't see you coming."
  I nodded.  "So... you're ex-military then?"
  "Something like that," he said cryptically.  "It's classified."
  "Fair enough."
  "Do you want to meet the others?"
  "Others?"
  "Yes, of course," he said with a laugh.  "You didn't think you were
the only one, did you?"
  "Well, actually... no... of course not."
  "Come with me."
  We walked out of his office and passed a room filled with servers
and monitors.
  "We're just starting up," Nick Furry said, "but our equipment is
fairly sophisticated: the Department of Defense recently upgraded
their computers and we were able to get some equipment on the cheap.
Sometimes we have problems but we've got a few people working around
the clock to keep them running."
  "How many people do you have?" I asked.
  "We have just a few recruits plus a support staff consisting of
system managers, janitors and receptionists.  We would like to recruit
more people but right now the problem is that our budget doesn't allow
for much money for recruits.  We can only offer enough money to pay
for basic expenses."
  "Oh," I said, "I see."
  "But we figured you might be interested because you're already out
there fighting bad guys.  We figured you wouldn't mind a little help."
  He brought me to a training area.  There were three others there,
one tall unshaven disheveled man wearing a black trench coat and
smoking a cigarette, one muscular Hispanic man with big arms, a very
big gun and a very tiny head and one man in a suit of armor that
looked so advanced it made me feel as though I was wearing an ordinary
Kevlar jacket.
  "Mr. Stork, I'd like you to meet John Augustine, the Occultism Kid;
Robert Ramirez, the Master Blaster and... Kid Kirby."
  "Just... Kid Kirby?"
  "Just Kid Kirby."
  "So what's his deal?  He won't tell anyone who he really is?"
  "Oh he told us alright.  We just can't pronounce his real name."
  "So he's... European?"
  "Extra dimensional."
  "Excuse me?"
  "I come from a world powered by the Power Kirby," Kid Kirby
explained.  "The Power Kirby flows through me and gives me my
strength."
  "Fair enough," I said.  "So what are we here for?"
  Nick Furry nodded.  "The five of us will fight the battles no
one else can."
  "Alright.  So what do we call ourselves then?"
  "The Legion of Net.heroes."

  And that's how we came to be here today.  You see, Dr. Lo Kee was a
research scientist here in Netropolis who was using gene therapy to
heighten a man's strength and intelligence.  Of course, he couldn't
ethically experiment on anyone else so he had to experiment on
himself.  The process, while successful, had driven him quite mad.
  "So," he said, "you are here to stop me."
  "Absolutely!" Master Blaster said.
  "And stop you we shall!" Kid Kirby said.
  "Well, see, I don't think you can do that," Lo Kee said.  "First of
all, I don't seriously think you are planning to shoot me.  That gun
looks like it would blow me in half.  That would be murder.  The rest
of you look tough enough, I suppose, but I'm a perfect human
specimen.  You are like ants to me.  Sorry."
  Dr. Lo Kee was right.  Us being sent in to deal with him was like
sending in a SWAT team to handle a shoplifter.  And it was all working
in his favor: he was just going to walk out of there and there was
nothing we could do to stop him.
  Or was there?
  Occultism Kid raised one hand at him.  His eyes glowed and he said
one word: "Sleep".
  Dr. Lo Kee passed out.  I quickly moved in and caught him so he
wouldn't suffer a head injury.
  "Are all the missions going to be like this?" I asked.

                           TO BE CONTINUED

Irony Man based on Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Nick Furry based on Nick Furry created by Jeff Barnes
Master Blaster based on Master Blaster created by Robert Ramirez
Occultism Kid based on Occultism Kid created separately by August Paul
Yang and Josh Geurink
Kid Kirby based on Kid Kirby created by Jameel Al Khavitz

Martin