LNH: Beige Midnight #7: The Bart Age III: "The Mountain Top" (1/4)

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Mar 21 12:22:15 PDT 2011

[Cover:  Bart the Dark Receptionist stands on a mound of 250 (or so) 
LNH'r corpses.  In his left hand is the Ultimate Ninja's heart.  In his 
right hand is Captain Continuity's severed head.  A dialogue balloon 
from Bart says, "Did Geoff Johns guest write this or something?"  The 
bottom caption says:  THE BART AGE ENDS HERE!!!]

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The place -- Ancient Qwerty, 1994 BC

The time --

                    B     E     I     G     E

           M     I     D     N     I     G     H     T

The number --      S     E     V     E     N

The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --

Kid Recap checked the Ultimate Ninja and then pondered the absurdity of 
checking the pulse of a man who had had his heart ripped out of his 
chest.  No.  The Ultimate Ninja must be faking it.  He couldn't be dead. 
  Of course the Ultimate Ninja had been dead before.  Right?  Like that 
time when -- Kid Recap paused.  Kid Recap tried to remember some part of 
the past where the Ultimate Ninja had come back to life, but nothing 
came to him.

Was this some effect of the Amnesia Barrier?  That even with his Super 
Recapping Abilities, Even he, Kid Recap, had forgotten stuff?

Kid Recap tried to remember what he could.  How he got to this point in 
time -- 4002 years in the past.

All of this began on March 31, 2007 AD, when the Ultimate Ninja had 
decided to take a month off for vacation.  Fearless Leader took over and 
he disappeared.  And after that leader after leader disappeared for 
about 465 days each day.  The LNH found out that it was their former 
receptionist Bart who was behind the kidnappings.  He was working for 
Dekay and Diskolor, the Bryttle Brothers who were planning to destroy 
the entire Looniverse on April 29th, 2008 AD.  Bart had made a deal with 
them where he'd go to the past (1,004,000 years ago) and be that 
planet's King Qwert-El for a million years.  Of course the LNH needed 
both the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet (both of which Bart had 
possession of) to stop the Bryttle Brothers from destroying the 
Looniverse, so they had to time travel back (which caused everyone 
except for Munchkin Man and himself to forget everything due to a 
Amnesia barrier created by Kid Recap's arch-enemy Amnesia that causes 
anyone to time travel past it to forget everything that happened) to get 
those items from Bart.

It turned out though that Bart was frozen in a cave, and they had to 
time jump to 1994 BC so that some Most Worthy One (who turned out to be 
Munchkin Man) could get him out of the cave.  And when they freed Bart 
still frozen in a chunk of ice, they took off the Ring of Retconn and 
Insanity Gauntlet from his hands.  And after that it should have been 
simple, right?  Unfortunately, it never ever is.  Bart woke up -- still 
having incredible powers despite the lack of cosmic paraphernalia.

And the Ultimate Ninja fought Bart -- and Bart killed him.  Bart killed 
the Ultimate Ninja.  And that's where they were.

The Elders and other local Qwertians seemed angered by this attack on 
their leader who Bart was posing as -- King Qwert-El.  Various Qwertians 
with guns started pointing them at the LNH and demanding that the LNH 

Bart still floating up in the sky shook his head.  "No, no.  This is not 
your fight my loyal subjects.  This is between me and them.  You can 
go."  And with a snap of his fingers he teleported all of the remaining 
Qwertians with the exception of Dev-Null back to wherever they lived.

And then Bart turned his attention back on the LNH.  "Take your time. 
If you want to have a funeral or something for the Ultimate Ninja -- 
please, go ahead.  Consult on some brilliant battle strategy -- fine by 
me.  I can wait.  I'll probably create a Universe in my hand while I 
wait.  And when you're ready -- ready to finish this -- just look up -- 
'cuz that's where I'll be.  Up."

And in Bart's hand there was a loud thunderous bang -- and a new 
Universe was born.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

                      THE BART AGE PART III

                       'The Mountain Top'

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April 2008 AD --
Near Saturn --
The LNH Starship Snobbie --

Ripping Dancer's fingers brushed against the cold Starship window.  Out 
of it she could see the Beigeness swallowing up the blackness 
surrounding Saturn.  They were almost past the Beigeness.  Maybe once 
they got past it, she'd feel a little better.  Then again -- probably 
not.  Some part of her wished that the artificial gravity controls would 
fail.  She had always wanted to float in space.  Dance in zero gravity.

She looked at Dr. Stomper and Contraption Man who were both deep in 
conversation in the cockpit.  What were they talking about?  The 
Mission?  Her?  She looked at Occultism Kid who was still acting like a 
member of the NTB (Net.Trenchcoat Brigade).  He was guzzling away on 
some bottle of Cognac that he'd found in the ship.  Comic Snob Boy's 
favorite brand according to Irony Man.  And Irony Man?  He was looking 
out the windows too.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Dr. Stomper examined the white hair he had found on his seat.  Some 
animal hair?  Felis catus possibly?

"What was that about?  Back at Headquarters?  What great threat did we 
have to run from, Contraption Man?"  Dr. Stomper looked Contraption Man 
in the eyes as he put the hair aside.

"Just a feeling.  A bad feeling.  Just think of it as time-travelers 
intuition.  Sometimes when you're time jumping you hit a time that some 
how you know it's no good.  That you got to get out of there fast. 
That's the feeling I got."

Dr. Stomper pointed to the date on one of the monitor screens.  "We're 
still in the same time period."

"It was a bad place feeling.  I'm not getting it now.  Look Doc, we're 
going to need the full LNH with us when we go back to the Loonivearth. 
Right now we've got more urgent worries.  Like Occultism Kid.  Why are 
the Retcon Hour retcons still affecting him?"

"There are a number of possibilities.  It could be psychosomatic.  It 
could be do to Occultism Kid's magical abilities.  It could be that 
we're all having the same dream.  It could be that a part of the Retcon 
Hour crossover hitchhiked with us when we time jumped.  It could be that..."

"Whoah, whoah!  What was that --?  A part of Retcon Hour time jumped 

"I was just thinking of all the possibilities.  Without access to my 
lab, I couldn't really begin to guess at what's causing this to happen. 
  Hopefully, Retcon Lad can reverse the effect.  Is Retcon Lad with the 
Qwerty team?"

"I don't know.  But if Occultism Kid can't do magic anymore, we're going 
to need another plan to get past the Dvorakian space station." 
Contraption Man got out of the pilot's seat and walked over to the 
cockpit opening.  "Hey, Occultism Kid!  Can you still cloak an entire 

Occultism Kid briefly took the bottle out of his mouth.  "If I could do 
that -- do you think I'd be busy drinking myself to death?"

Contraption Man turned back towards Dr. Stomper.  "Yeah, looks like 
we're going to need another plan.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,300,000,000 years AC (After Creation) --

The first piece of slime crawls onto a rock.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,700,000,000 years AC (After Creation) --

A cave man using charcoal makes a large 'B' on the wall of his cave. 
After he has finished, he proudly shows his wife.  His wife grabs a 
Tapir bone and begins hitting him with it while she screams.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,700,030,000 years AC (After Creation) --

Barrt the Fisherman sits on his boat bored of life.  There had to be 
something better than this, he thinks as he waits for a fish to bite his 

And then he feels a snag.  A fish!  He reels the fish in.

After he drops the fish with the other fish, he hears something.

"If you free me, I shall give you the greatest idea."

"You can talk?" Barrt asks the fish.

"Of course!  I'm the world's smartest fish.  But enough about me, let's 
talk about you.  You don't want to be a fisherman forever, do you?"

Barrt shakes his head.

"Of course not!  But you need a great idea, and fortunately for you I 
have just the one you need!"

"What idea?"

"What if I told you that there was only one true God, a God named BARRT? 
  And you were the only person who could speak to this God?  And what if 
only those people who were your friends, were the only ones who could go 
to Heaven once they died?  And all your enemies would go to Hell?"

"But that's not true!  I can't speak to this God!"

"What matters if it's true?  People are so gullible!  Think of all the 
sheep and shepherds' daughters that would be yours!  Everyone would want 
to get good with you so they could go to Heaven!"

"You've got a point," Barrt says while thinking about all of the 
shepherds' daughters and sheep in the world.  "Very well, I will free you!"

The fish plops back into the water.

A little bit later under the lake...

The fish tells the story to all his fish buddies at the fish bar, 
"Humans are so gullible!"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,700,030,005 years AC (After Creation) --

Barrt the Fisherman is crucified by a bunch of angry shepherds.

But his disciples carry on his ideas and pass them on throughout the lands.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,700,031,969 years AC (After Creation) --

The doctor gives Barrt a serious look.  "I'm sorry.  I've got some bad 

In the background a black and white tv set plays.  On the screen, a man 
in an astronaut suit steps onto the moon.

It is a significant day in the history of mankind.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
13,700,033,001 years AC (After Creation) --

A creature that is part elephant, preying mantis, and corn dog watches a 
weird looking ship fly away into space.

Another similar looking creature walks towards him.  "What did those 
bizarre ugly looking aliens want?"

"Oh, they were trying to convert me to some stupid religion called 
Barrtism.  I told them I'd think about it."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The Universe in Bart's Hand --
26,700,030,005 years AC (After Creation) --

"It's Over, Barrtymandias!!!  It's All Over!!!" cried Barrtowl, a 
superhero dressed up in a costume that was made up of sewn together bar 
towels.  He swung a bar towel in his hand wildly.

"Is it?  Really?" laughed Barrtymandias, The Universe's Smartest 
Scientist, as he stroked the fluffy white cat in his lap.  "I do think 
you're way out of your depth, Barrtiel."

"We know it was you, Barrtymandias!" shouted another hero by the name of 
Barrtshaq dressed in a trenchcoat with a mask covering his whole face. 
A mask that had an ever-changing image of Shaquille O'Neal depicting 
different moments in his life.  The current image had Shaquille O'Neal 
attempting to make a free throw attempt.  "You killed our former Teenage 
Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet Net.Force member the Barrtmedian!  You 
kidnapped all of those fan-fiction writers from all of those galaxies 
and put them on that secret moon!!  We know about all of it except for 
one thing.  What is Project Mountaintop?!!  What have you done!???" 
Barrtshaq hurled the basketball in his hand at Barrtymandias right as 
Barrtowl slung his bar towel.

Barrtymandias effortlessly caught the ball in his hand and used it to 
deflect the bar towel.  "Project Mountaintop?  Why it's quite simple. 
It's my plan to save the Universe.  Did you know that in a million years 
from now humanity will have used up all of the energy in the Universe? 
Yes.  We will have drained up every sun, every galaxy, all the dark 
energy.  Humanity has spread itself across the Universe, there are no 
new galaxies for us to exploit.  Simply put, we're all doomed.  I 
realized that there was only one thing that could save us.  One being. 
The maker of this Universe.  Yes.  BARRT.  We needed to contact him.  I 
needed to create a device that could contact him.  And so using the 
minds of all of those fan-fiction writers I created this."  Barrymandias 
gestured towards the massive machine the size of a three-story house in 
the center of the station.  "Unfortunately, it does take quite a bit of 
energy to operate.  Like about 3 million galaxies."

"My Barrt!" said Barrtowl in disbelief.  "That has got to be the 
stupidest plan I've ever heard.  Thank Barrt, we were able to stop you 
before you killed all of those galaxies."

"Stop me?" laughed Barrtymandias.  "What, do I look like some wheelchair 
bound James Barrt villain stroking a white cat?"  Barrtymandias glanced 
down at his wheelchair and white cat that he was stroking.  "Oh.  Point 
taken.  Regardless, I turned the machine on 35 minutes ago.  Look!" 
Barrtymandias pointed towards the space stations massive telescopic 
glass windows that allowed people to gaze at all of the galaxies in the 
Universe.  "Well, okay, since most of these galaxies are millions of 
light years away you can't really see anything because of the speed of 
light, but millions of years from now it's going to look really, really 
spectacular.  Not that you have that much time."  Barrtymandias pressed 
another button.  The floor under both Barrtshaq and Barrtowl collapsed 
causing them to fall into a pool filled with weird part shark, crab, and 
corndog type creatures.  As both heroes screamed in terror as they were 
devoured the last image on Barrtshaq's mask was one of Shaquille O'Neal 
making another free throw attempt.

Barrtymandias pressed another button shutting the floor back up again. 
And then he turned his attention back to the massive screen on the 
Project Mountaintop machine.  An image was beginning to appear.  The 
image of BARRT.

"I did it!  It worked!!  Oh mighty BARRT, I humbly ask an audience with 

GOT THE EXTRA R FROM.  WHAT DO YOU WANT?>> boomed the voice from the screen.

"We ask you to give us more energy!  A million years from now we will 
have drained all of the suns in the Universe!  We need more galaxies!"


"I don't understand.  Are we not the chosen species?  Did you not make 
us in your image so we could spread your wisdom all across the Universe? 
  Why do you forsake us, oh mighty Barrt?"


The machines screen went blank.  "What?  Wait!  What did you mean by..." 
  But before Barrtymandias could finish a white flash swallowed everything.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --

As the Universe in Bart's hand crumbled into dust, Bart looked to see 
who had shot him.  "Ah, Dev-Null, right?  Sorry, kind of immune to bullets."

Dev-Null shook his head.  "That was just to grab your attention.  This 
on the other hand..."  Dev-Null pulled out another self-made gun that he 
had been working on during the walk to the caves.  Aiming it at Bart, he 
pulled the trigger causing a rocket attached to a chain to shoot out. 
The other end of the chain had a pair of shackles, which snapped onto 
Bart's ankles.  The rocket itself flew straight for the Ice Caverns of 

"Interesting," said Bart as he watched the chain that he was attached to 
snap apart.  "I guess if it weren't for my power to be immovable, that 
rocket would have dragged me back to the caves where I'd have become a 
popsicle again.  Nice.  Guess I better get rid of those caves before 
someone else tries the same trick."  With a snap of his fingers the Ice 
Caverns of Existence vanished leaving only a large crater behind.

Dev-Null threw that gun and reached for another one.

"I'm not really sure why you of all people are fighting me, Dev-Null?"

"It is my destiny!  I'm here to save the Looniverse from you!!"

"Oh wait.  Now I see.  You don't remember, do you?  Of course!  It's the 
Amnesia Barrier!  Forgot all about that.  Guess that explains why the 
Ultimate Ninja was taking orders from Kid Recap.  Well, this won't do. 
What's the fun in destroying the LNH if they don't know who's destroying 
them?  As for you, Dev-Null, you're just a terrorist.  That's all. 
You're a psychopath who believes that if you bomb enough intergalactic 
embassies you can somehow make the world a better place.  But you'll 
never save the Looniverse.  That's beyond somebody like you."

"You're lying!!  I'm a hero -- I..."

"Don't believe me?  Why don't you just ask this Dvorakian here who lost 
his younger sister to one of your bombs how much of a hero you really 
are?"  Bart gave back both Dev-Null and the 25 Dvorakians their memories 
back.  The Dvorakian who had lost his sister grabbed Dev-Null by the throat.

"Vendalla!!  She was only a 157 sun cycles!!  You murdering son of a..." 
  The Dvorakian crushed Dev-Null's throat and threw his body to the ground.

Major Poossee, the nine foot tall blue maned leader of the Dvorakians 
with an eye patch, looked at the lifeless body of Dev-Null and then back 
at Kid Recap.  "What is going on here?  Where have you taken us?"

Bart shook his head.  "You don't need to answer that Kid Recap.  Once I 
speed up the Glory Virus in the Dvorakians they'll be a moot point 
anyways."  Major Poossee started to fly towards Bart, but before he 
could get off the ground he felt a huge pain in his chest that caused 
him to kneel down.  Within a few seconds, he and the rest of soldiers 
were completely dead.

Bart smiled.  "Now we can start the real fun."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Kid Recap started to make his way over to Dev-Null's corpse just in case 
one of the weapons he had made could actually stop Bart.  But before he 
could do that his entire body froze up and his mouth disappeared.

Bart shifted from his King Qwert-El get-up to his Bart the Dark 
Receptionist costume.  "Okay.  I'm freezing you and taking away your 
mouths, but don't worry -- it's only temporary.  You see -- I just want 
to rant and rave for a while uninterrupted by all your cute quips. 
Okay?  It's a villain thing.  But I'll return your mouths and ability to 
move as soon as I'm finished.  Okay?  This would be the part where you'd 
say something clever that would make the readers laugh, but you can't -- 
so let's move on."

"Okay.  First things first, let's give you back all of your memories. 
There, okay.  And what the hell -- let's bring the Ultimate Ninja back 
to life because killing off an amnesiac Ultimate Ninja is kinda lame." 
The Ultimate Ninja returned back to life and froze up as he attempted to 
throw a ninja bush at Bart.

As the Ultimate Ninja returned back to life, a frozen Easily-Discovered 
Man Lite realized that the funniest ninja joke he had ever thought up 
had just popped into his brain.  But alas, he realized to his complete 
horror, I have No Mouth and I Must Scream the Funniest Ninja Joke Ever! 
  Oh well.  He'd just have to wait for Bart to give him his mouth back.

"Next thing is that you should probably know how incredibly powerful I 
am and how utterly hopeless it would be to stop me.  Okay.  How can I 
explain this?  Ah, yes.  You've undoubtedly fought villains that had 
access to powerful cosmic items like the Ring of Retconn and Insanity 
Gauntlet throughout your career as a superteam, right?  Of course you 
have!  Did it ever occur to you how incredibly stupid all of these 
villains were?  That they didn't fully utilize these incredibly powerful 
objects to there full potential?  I vowed that if I were ever to come 
across one of these devices that I wouldn't make the same mistake.  I 
mean -- okay -- what is the first thing that usually stops someone like 
me?  Right!  They lose the object of power!  And they're totally 
powerless!  So, why not use these cosmic items to give yourself powers 
that don't disappear if you should happen to lose the object in 
question?  So that's what I did -- I have the power to have any super 
power I can think of without the need for a Ring of Retconn or Insanity 
Gauntlet!  Cool, huh?"

Break control, throw ninja bush!  Break control, Throw Ninja Bush, 
thought the Ultimate Ninja.

"And the next thing that usually happens is that the heroes who stole 
the cosmic devices from you try to use them on you, right?  So wouldn't 
it make sense to just make yourself resistant to anyone who uses any 
cosmic object that has ever existed against you?  So I did that too. 
And after that, what is the attack that usually happens?  Right!  You've 
always got some cosmic type being or god that puts the whammy on you! 
So the simple solution to that is to make yourself resistant to the 
powers of any cosmic being or god!  So let's check that one off the list 

This is the most thrilling edge of my seat amusement park fun villain 
rant I've ever been forced to listen to, mentally yawned Sarcastic Lad. 
  Could I have a brain aneurysm?  Pretty Please?

"What else?  Oh yes.  Even with those protections in place there is 
always the danger of being hurt.  Don't want to be killed by something 
like mistletoe or something stupid like that.  So it's probably a good 
idea to just make yourself resistant to all forms of harm.  So nothing 
can harm me whether it's a fist or a mental blast -- or the Looniverse 
decides to explode."

Arrrggghhhh!  Must tell ninja joke, thought Easily-Discovered Man Lite. 
  Must tell ninja joke!

"And of course what is the number one thing that always screws up a 
villains plans?  Come on, you know this one.  Yep.  Being defeated by a 
hero.  Heroes always find some way to defeat the villain.  So I made it 
so I would never be defeated by any hero that has ever existed.  And 
ever will exist."

You know, if weren't for the fact that I was frozen here I bet you I'd 
be doing something so rad that even Saxon Brenton would think I was 
awesome, thought 

"So there you have it.  I can have any superpower I can think of.  I'm 
resistant to anyone using any cosmic object that has ever existed 
against me.  I'm resistant to the powers of every God or Cosmic Being. 
I cannot be hurt by anything physical or mental or whatever.  And no 
hero can ever defeat me.  That about covers it -- don't you think?  I 
mean any more than that would be overkill, right?  I mean -- you have to 
have some slim chance of defeating me -- you know."

Dude, so wish I was stoned, thought California Kid.  Oh man, is this 
dude ever going to stop?

"But really, it would be suicide to try and fight me.  I mean the one 
thing that might have given you a chance would have been me wearing the 
Insanity Gauntlet, but thanks to you that thing is no longer messing up 
my mind.  So I'm going to give you some choices, since I don't want to 
kill you if I don't have to.  Choice #1:  You fight me and I kill all of 
you.  Not a very smart choice.  Choice #2:  You take the Ring of Retconn 
and Insanity Gauntlet and leave this planet and never come back -- Never 
Ever -- and I let you all go in peace.  Hey, that's what you wanted, 
wasn't it?  That's why you came here?  And finally Choice #3:  You 
surrender.  You agree to worship me.  And if you do that, we could all 
go to some other planet and all live in eternal paradise with you all 
worshipping me.  That's all you have to do.  Worship.  Eternal Paradise. 
  Not a bad deal, yeah?"

Nose itch!  Nose itch, thought Bad-Timing Boy gazing at his scratching 
finger that was very, very close; yet at the same time so very, very, 
far away.

"There, I've given you your choices.  Now -- I guess it's up to you to 
decide.  You'll probably want to discuss this in a more private place." 
  Bart teleported everyone and himself to where the LNH 
Starship.Thingees were and pointed to the ground.  The earth shook and a 
building started to emerge from the ground.  It was the LNHHQ (the 
classic four story building version circa 1993-1995).  Bart then 
teleported all of the LNH into the lobby of the building -- giving them 
back their freedom and mouths.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"DIE!!!" screamed the Ultimate Ninja as he threw his ninja bush at the 
Dr. Paprika machine in the corner.  The machine shredded to pieces and 
started spraying large amounts of Dr. Paprika all over the lobby.

"Ah," said Parking Karma Kid.  "Now that's a pop with a doctorate in 
taste!"  He stepped away from the streaming shower.  "Man, we haven't 
had one of those machines since..."

"Since Bart was a receptionist," said the Ultimate Ninja throwing 
another ninja bush at the machine to stop it from gushing.

"Finally!" shouted Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  "I can finally say it! 
The funniest ninja joke ever!  And -- and -- hmm, you know now that I 
think about it -- oh man.  You know, forget I said that.  The more I 
think on it -- it's not that funny.  It was really funny when I was 
frozen and without a mouth -- but not so funny now that I can actually 
tell it.  Have you ever had that happen to you?  I mean..."

"Lite," interrupted the Ultimate Ninja, "Do you have anything useful to 

Easily-Discovered Man Lite shrugged a bit.  "Hey, you know... it's me."

"Right.  Moving on."  The Ultimate Ninja used his ninja dry cleaning 
abilities to remove the Dr. Paprika from his costume.

"You know," said Kid Recap breaking in, "Maybe we should make the deal. 
  I mean -- isn't the main reason we came here retrieving the ring and 
gauntlet?  We can deal with Bart some other..."

"So, you think we should run?"  The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "We 
don't make deals and we don't run.  We're the LNH."

"Well, most of the time -- yeah.  But considering the circumstances -- 
maybe we should have a vote on this."

"We already had a vote and that vote made me leader.  And this is my 
decision.  We fight Bart.  And we bring him back dead or alive.  It's 
that simple."

"He killed you and brought you back to life -- and he made it look easy, 
UN.  And if what he's saying is true about his abilities, he could do 
the same thing to the entire LNH."

"He's bluffing.  If he was that powerful, why not simply destroy us 
right now -- why give us a deal?  Regardless, the LNH has fought a 
number of nearly omnipotent threats during its existence.  This is no 

"I don't think he's bluffing, UN," replied Captain Continuity.  "Using 
my cosmic senses he seems to be more powerful than a RACCelestial, 
perhaps in the same range as Master Workload, or maybe as high as the 
Mechanical Author.  This isn't going to be easy."

"It never ever is easy.  Do you think it's going to be easy defeating 
the Bryttle Brothers?  Perhaps we could make some deal with them?  No. 
I'm not going to force you to fight.  If you don't want to fight, please 
feel free and resign from the LNH right now.  You can exit from this 
building.  But if you are LNH -- then you're going to fight.  Are you LNH?"

There was some mutterings and mumblings from the crowd of heroes.  And 
some, "Should've voted for Fearless Leader."

"I said:  'Are you LNH!?'  I want to hear you!!  ARE YOU LNH!!!!!????"

This was followed by more mutterings and mumblings that sounded vaguely 
like, 'Yes, we are LNH.'  Sarcastic Lad added, "Oh, goody.  We all get 
to die a hero's death."

"Very well.  Now onto the plan.  Do you still have Bart's soul, Kid Recap?"

Kid Recap looked down at the box he was still carrying that contained 
Bart's soul.  "Yeah.  Umm, but that whole plan involved Bart wearing the 
Insanity Gauntlet."

"Well.  Then we go to plan B.  What's plan B, Innovative Offense Boy?"

"Umm, that *$#@*@# one involves the Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlet too.  So 
do plan $#@*%*@ C through plan @#&*@#*&*&#@ Z."

"Well, then think of a plan that doesn't involve Bart wearing the 
Insanity Gauntlet!"

"I'm #%$#@$%$%#$ thinking!  Hmm, @#$**@#& Bart did seem to be @#**$$@# 
vulnerable to the Ice Caverns of @#$%*@* Existence.  Well, assuming that 
wasn't just some %$#@*& scam to get us to *&@#$@ take off the Insanity 
@#$%*@* Gauntlet.  Hmm, oh %$#@@%%* wait!  Maybe we could @#*$#@% trick 
him into *&#$%@ wearing the Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlet again!"

"Hey!  I've got a plan!" shouted Bad Judgment Boy.  "How about we all do 
some PCP and then stick some angry weasels down our costumes and then -- 
Yeah!"  Bad Judgment Boy started making wild hand gestures.  "Get this 
-- and then we all just -- Rush him!  Yeah!  We all just rush Bart!! 
He'll never see that coming!!  Yeah!!  Is this the best superhero plan 
ever or what?!!!"  Bad Judgment Boy waited for everyone to give him a 
high five.

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head and said, "No.  Does anyone else have 
an idea -- and before you say something I should add -- that isn't 
completely stupid?"

"What?  We forgot to bring the PCP and angry weasels?"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

    "Half a league, half a league,

    Half a league onward,
    All in the valley of Death
    Boldly they rode and well,
    Into the jaws of Death,
    Into the mouth of Hell..." paraphrased Bart from some old Tennyson 
poem he had remembered from High School as he watched the LNH come out 
of the LNHHQ he had created.  "Well, guess you've all chosen suicide 
then.  Have to admit I was hoping that would be your choice."

"No!" cried RoboStomper II (The newest version of Dr. Stompers 
roboduplicate).  "After analyzing all of the data, we LNH robot 
duplicates have come to the conclusion that the LNH has no chance in 
defeating you!"  He held up his calculator.thingee for all to see. 
"Therefore, we robot duplicates will happily join you in your 
extermination of the LNH!"  The robot duplicates of Contraption Man, 
Irony Man, Occultism Kid, and Ripping Dancer all nodded their heads.

"Oh, Jesus.  Not these guys again!" said Kid Recap rolling his eyes.

"Thanks, but no thanks.  I don't really have any use for you.  Well, 
maybe the cute one with all the tears in her costume -- but no."  The 
circuits in the robot duplicates started to overload causing the robot 
duplicates to fall to the ground.  "Sorry."

"This is your last chance to surrender, Bart."  The Ultimate Ninja 
readied his Ginsu Katana for attack mode.

"You think?  Naw!  I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of chances to while 
I'm killing you all.  But hey -- tell you what.  If you can stop me from 
killing one hundred members of the LNH in the next three seconds after 
this sentence ends -- I'll happily surrender -- Ready?  Now!"  Bart 
flashed away.

The Ultimate Ninja turned his head and saw a mound of bodies that had 
popped up.  LNH bodies.  He recognized Spelling Boy, Sarcastic Lad, 
California Kid, Easily-Discovered Man Lite, Parking Karma Kid, and... 
He looked back and saw Bart.  Bart was looking at his watch.

"Well, that only took less than a second.  I thought it would take a lot 

"That's it," said the Ultimate Ninja leaping in the air.

Bart laughed.  "No.  I'm pretty sure there's going to be a lot more of 
that to come.  As for fighting you?"  Bart shook his head.  "I'm not 
sure you're worthy.  That whole not being able to stop me from killing 
all those teammates of yours -- pretty disappointing -- to say the 
least.  How about this instead?  You can fight my little pinky."  Bart's 
little pinky on his right hand popped off and rocketed straight towards 
the Ultimate Ninja slamming him to the ground.  "If you can defeat my 
little pinky -- then well, maybe."

And that's how the greatest battle the Ultimate Ninja had ever had 
began.  The Ultimate Ninja vs Bart's Little Finger.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Bart felt a rock hit his head.  He looked down and saw that 
Innovative-Offense Boy was throwing rocks at him.  "Yes?  Can I do 
something for you?"

"You're a @#$%@*@* pussy, Bart!!  I can't @#$*&&@ fight a @#$%@*@* 
pussy!!  Especially one who's so $#@%&@&* chicken *$#@%*@ that he can't 
even wear the Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlet.  Real #%$@*%& villains wear 
Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlets!!  Be a &*@#$@% man, Bart!!" 
Innovative-Offense Boy began to flap his arms like a chicken. 
"Buhwawk!! #$%@*&#!!  Buhwawk!!  #$%@*&#!!"

"It must suck that all your plans to defeat me involve me wearing the 
Insanity Gauntlet, huh?"

"Yeah, like a mother #$@%*@*," sighed Innovative-Offense Boy.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Kid Recap watched Innovative-Offense Boy's futile attempt to get Bart to 
put back on the Insanity Gauntlet.  He looked at the mound of bodies: 
100 dead LNHers.  And he looked at the Ultimate Ninja being thrown 
around like a rag doll by Bart's little pinky.  He watched Bart flick 
Captain Continuity out of orbit.  And then Bart killed another five LNH'rs.

And then he looked at the box he was carrying.  The box that contained 
Bart's soul.  Christ, this was a lousy plan.  Even compared to Bad 
Judgment Boy's angry weasel-PCP plan.  But Kid Recap had nothing better. 
  Maybe something would happen.  Bart would see his soul and some of his 
humanity would trickle back to him.  Probably not.  But he couldn't 
think of anything better to do.  "Bart!!!"

Bart turned around at looked at Kid Recap.  "Yes?"

"Look at this."  Kid Recap then opened up the box.

"Yeah?  Wow.  An empty box.  Great plan, Kid Recap.  That should 
definitely end my reign of terror."

Kid Recap looked down at the box.  There was nothing there.  Where did 
it go?

"Oh.  Was there supposed to be something in there?  Like a -- soul?  My 
soul?  Yeah -- I can read minds, Kid Recap.  And the reason there's no 
soul in that box is because there was never a soul in the box.  You've 
been had Kid Recap.  There is no hell.  No demons or devils that use 
souls for their currency.  I retconned that all away.  And heaven? 
That's gone too.  They've all gone bye, bye.  When you die -- that will 
be it.  And God?  Where's God in all this -- you ask?  Watch this." 
Bart snapped his fingers.  "Did you see that?  I just killed God by 
snapping my fingers.  Yeah, I just killed God.  God is dead.  That's who 
you're dealing with -- a guy that can kill God by just snapping his 
fingers.  Did Acton Lord or Dr. Killfile kill God?  I don't think so. 
But me -- yeah, I killed God.  Pretty awesome, right?"

"Liar!!  Blasphemous Liar!!!!" screamed Self-Righteous Preacher who was 
clearly angry about this.  "God is beyond your pathetic evilism!!! 
You're a gnat on gnat on a gnat on the eye of a gnat compared to 
God!!!!!  Read the Bible!!!!!!!!"

"You think?  Hey, if you don't believe me -- how about someone more on 
your wavelength?"  A Big TV screen instantly appeared and hovered over 
the heroes.

The face of Pat Robertson appeared.  <<Ladies and Gentlemen, I have 
grave news tonight to tell you.  This is the saddest of all sad days! 
Our lord in heaven -- is...>> Pat Robertson hesitated and a tear fell 
down his eye, <<Is dead!!  Yes, God is dead!!  We're still getting more 
details every minute, but here's the latest of this very, very 
heartbreaking news.  A group of Born Again Christian astronauts 
discovered the corpse of God orbiting between the Sun and Mercury. 
Based on our Christian Science Carbon Dating tests we estimate the time 
of death being between 1995 BC and 1993BC.  Also, he was wearing a very 
big toga.  God was best known for creating the Looniverse, dying for all 
our sins, and writing the best selling book of all time -- The Bible.  I 
repeat -- for those just joining us -- God is dead!!>>

Self-Righteous Preacher continued to watch the various 700 club pundits 
and panelists discuss whether it was a Socialist, Muslim, Democrat, 
Atheist, Hindu, Homosexual, Vegetarian, or Abortionist (or perhaps a 
that was responsible for God's death.  "No.  It can't -- It just 
can't... No!!!!  God can't be -- can't be... But it's the 700 club -- 
And Pat Robertson!!!  So it must be true!!!  God is...  God is..." 
Self-Righteous Preacher went into a catatonic state unable to complete 
that sentence.

"Wait.  If God died back in 1994 BC, then who is Jesus's father?"

"Let's not go there, Nit-Pick Lad," said Kid Recap shaking his head.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

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