LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #44: LNH --THE MUSICAL!!! (HC21)

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Wed Jun 29 07:49:18 PDT 2011

___ ___________________________
| |-|                          \
| |-| []                       /   #44"
| | | [] egion of              \ "LNH --THE MUSICAL!!!"
| | | []__ [] []   []  []      /
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]      / Written and copyright 2011
| |-|      [] []   []  []      \ Martin Phipps
| |-|__________________________/
| |

  The lobby, LNH HQ.  A man entered, dressed as a cowboy complete with
a cowboy hat, a dirty white shirt, jeans, chaps and cowboy boots.  He
walked up to the reception desk and spoke to Crystal, the receptionist
on duty.
  “Hello there,” he said to her.
  “Hello,” she replied.  “Is there anything I can do for you?”
  “You could say that,: he said.  “You see I was…

Walking down the road,
I had my hat - on,
I had my shirt - dirty.
I’d have my saddle
On my horse.
That is, if I had a horse,
Of course.”

  “Uh huh,” Crystal said.  “And what exactly do you want?”

“I wanna be a cowboy,” he said,
“and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy
and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy.”

  “Now, hold on,” Crystal said.  “This isn’t a rodeo.”
  “Oh, right,: he said, “Let me explain.

I wanna be a hero,
Six-gun at my side,
Chewing my tobacco.
Here at your HQ,
I hear the alarm sound.
Villains on the warpath,
I’m here.
I wanna be a cowboy
and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy
I’m the Brokeback Kid
The newest net.hero.  Yo.”

  “Oh, I see.  But, you see, the problem is

We don't need another hero
We don't need help fighting bad guys
All we want to get on with our lives”

  “But I can help,” The Brokeback Kid said.
  “I don’t think so,” she said.  “I mean, your name is a bit
  “What do you mean?”
  “Well, the whole gay cowboy thing.”
  “What do you mean?”
  “Um… you don’t know?”
  “Know what?”
  “Did you even see Brokeback Mountain?”
  “No.  I just thought The Brokeback Kid was a cool sounding name.
  Crystal sighed.  “I really think you should go rent it.”
  The Brokeback Kid nodded.  “Okay.  I’ll do that.  I’ll go to a video
store, rent the video, take it home and start watching it right away.”

Two hours later.

  “Oh.  My.  God.”

And then when the movie was over, he reconsidered his whole approach.

  “Okay,” he said.  “So The Brokeback Kid won’t work as a code name.
Too bad.  It was a cool name.  Maybe I should be… The Back Breaker!
Yeah!  Like Bane from the Batman series Knightfall.  Except he’s a
  A devious smile appeared on his face.  He whispered.  “Maybe I can
be a villain!”  Then he sang,

“Would you dance if I told you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you scream if you saw me coming
Could I take your soul tonight?
Would you tremble as you said my name?
Would you cower in fear of me?
Now would you die for the one you love?
Or see her die tonight?
I can be you villain baby
I can cause all your pain
I will hunt you down forever
You can’t put me away


An hour later, he was back in the lobby atLNH HQ.

  “Now, Net.Heroes!  Tremble in fear for I am… THE BACK BREAKER!”
  As it happened, nobody was there except Special Bonding Boy.
  “Why do you want to be a villain?” he asked.
  The Back Breaker hesitated, not sure how to respond.
  “Don’t be a villain,” he said.  “Be a hero.”  He sang,

“I believe the heroes are our are future
Be one well and you can lead the way
Show us all the beauty you possess inside
Create a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the people's admiration remind you how we’re supposed to be
Everybody searches for a hero
People need someone to help save them
You could be the one to fulfill their needs
A lonely place to be
If a villain you want to be
I decided long ago, never to be an evil person
If I fail, if I don’t survive
At least I am the good guy
No matter what you take from me
You can't take away my integrity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to be a net.hero
It is the greatest love of all.”

  The Back Breaker was deeply moved.  “Wow.”
  “Please,” Special Bonding Boy said.  “Don’t be a villain.  Be a
  “I tried being a hero.  I was laughed at.”
  “I was the Brokeback Kid.”
  “Oh.  So you’re a gay cowboy!”
  “NO!” he said firmly.  “I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with
  “Of course,” Special Bonding Boy said, “but don’t you realize that
it is okay to be laughed at here?”
  “What do you mean?”
  “The LNH is supposed to be funny.  I mean take Cheesecake Eater
  “Yeah,  So?  What about him?”
  “His power is to eat cheesecakes.”
  “That’s it.”
  “Doesn’t he also make cheesecakes?”
  “The point is it is funny.  Or take me.  I’m Special Bonding Boy.
I’m all about love.”
  “I love everybody!”
  “You do?”
  “Yes.”  Special Bonding Boy thought for a moment.  “I guess that
means I’m bi.”
  “Okay, too much information!”
  “Not that…”
  “No, of course there’s nothing wrong with that,” he said quickly,
desperately change the subject.  “I just don’t want to know.”
  “Fair enough.”  Special Bonding Boy nodded.  “Anyway, your shtick
can be that everybody thinks you’re a gay cowboy because you call
yourself The Brokeback Kid but you are actually straight.  That’s
  “Yep!  And that means you can be a net.hero!
  “Absolutely!”  Special Bonding Boy started to sing.

“There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
So when a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And they cast their fears aside
And they know they can survive
Cause when they feel like hope is gone
They’ll look to you remain strong
Cause you'll have finally seen the truth
That a net.hero are you.”

  “Oh for God’s sake will you shut up!” said Sarcastic Lad who had
entered right on cue.  “What is with all the singing?”
  “Singing is fun!” Special Bonding Boy said.  “Come on!

Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud, sing out strong
Sing of good things not bad
Sing of happy not sad
Sing, sing a song
Make it simple to last your whole life long
Don't worry that it's not good enough
For anyone else to hear
Just sing, sing a song”

  “I don’t think so,” Sarcastic Lad said.  “And who are you supposed
to be?  What’s with the cowboy outfit?”
  The Brokeback Kid smiled.  “I’m The Braokeback Kid.”
  “Oh,” Sarcastic Lad said.  “A gay cowboy.  How original.”
  Special Bonding Boy frowned.  “Why do you have to be so mean?”
  Sarcastic Lad shook his head.  “Don’t try using your powers on me,
Special Bonding Boy!  It won’t work!”
  “Why not?”
  “You don’t know?” Sarcastic Lad asked.  “Really?  Are you really
that far behind in your reading?  I mean, you don’t know my origin?”
  “No,” Special Bonding Boy said with a smile still on his face.
  “Alright,” Sarcastic Boy said.  “I’ll tell you then.  I’m possessed
by a demon.”
  “A demon?”
  “Yes, the demon makes me say sarcastic things.”
  “Yes, really.”
  “Explain how that works,” Special Bonding Boy said.  “I really want
to know.”
  Sarcastic Lad sighed.  “Well, alright, so,” he began,

“I'm possessed by an evil demon that causes me to be sarcastic
I keep thinking up quips and I'm thinking they’re fantastic
The devil's spirit's trapped inside me and it wants out
If I think up something nasty I don’t whisper but shout
People may think that I do it because I just don’t care
But the truth is there’s a demon right down in here
I feel the demon constantly egging me on
To say nasty things until everybody around me is gone
I admit it is kinda fun to say these witty remarks
Other times I just feel as though I’m harvesting farts
All I get from you people is hatred and scorn
But you’d act the same way possessed so I warn
Be careful what demon you have possessing your heart
Or you too will end up feeling like you’re harvesting farts”

  “You did it!” Special Bonding Boy said.  “You sang!”
  “No I didn’t!” Sarcastic Lad said.
  “Actually, he rapped” The Brokeback Kid said.  “That was Demon
Inside Me by Eminem.  Half it anyway.  Except the lyrics were, of
course, completely different.”
  “Seriously?”  Sarcastic Lad grimaced.  “Alright, that’s it.
Obviously some writer is making us perform music for his perverse
pleasure but it stops now!  This story is over!



I will also post this to the lnh authors group so I'll know right away
if it shows up.

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