usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #13
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Jun 6 17:57:54 PDT 2011
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #13
"Well... Jascha Heifetz went down to California, he was lookin' for a
girlfriend to keell, he was in a bind 'coz he was way behind and he
was willin' to make a deal. He came across King Mookie playin' on the
fiddle and playin' it hot, and Heitfetz jumped up on a hickory stump
and said something that rhymed with what."
"And then he..." But before Jascha Heifetz could finish his little
ditty two Santa Claus hat wearing sharks with chainsaws interrupted him.
"Marvelous! That was simply marvelous!" said one of the sharks. "Have
you ever thought of becoming a professional singer? How about signing a
big record deal with us? Interested?"
"Really?" said a surprised Jascha Heifetz. "You think I've got the
talent? I mean I remember Mom (before I killed her) always telling me
that I had a great singing voice -- but really? Do you think I have it?
Am I the next Justin Bieber? Am I? Really?"
"Naw," said the other shark. "We just tell that to all our victims
before we chainsaw them to death." And then they chained sawed poor
Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha Heifetz to death.
"Wait! No Fair! You can't do this to me!" said Jascha Heifetz. "I'm
already dead!"
"We don't care," said the first shark.
And Girlfriend 11-20-2030 decided to run like hell.
And above all of this on a greater plane of existence, Two Teddy Bears
the size of Mountains watched all of this transpire as they gobbled up
huge amounts of cucumber sandwiches.
"So Final Bed-ageddon has begun. And it is only a matter of time until
The Sentence Finisher arrives to finish the Unfinished Sentence Verse
forever. And then shall come the reboot," said the big black teddy bear
named Lord Teddy Bear Byron.
"Yes. Finally, the old confusing gibberish shall make way for the new
confusing gibberish," said the big white teddy bear named Lord Teddy
Bear Shelley.
Lord Teddy Bear Byron scarfed down a few more sandwiches. "Yes, finally
we can all go back to the beginning -- yet this time it will be
different. Perhaps all of the characters will be teenagers on a raft."
"And maybe this time they will have collars. Every single one of them.
Even the Viking gila monster character."
"Yes. Still it sounds very confusing."
Lord Teddy Bear Shelley nodded. "Yes. Too many characters. Stories
should only have three characters at the most. Preferably, two cowboys
and a ballerina."
Lord Teddy Bear Byron shook his head. "No no, I'm afraid that would
never pass the Bechdel Test."
"The what test?"
"The Bechdel Test! All fiction must have at least two women who have at
least one conversation that is about something other than men.
Otherwise the story will be horribly sexist."
"I see."
"So, there should be two ballerinas and a cowboy."
"How about if one of the cowboys is a female cowboy?" asked Lord Teddy
Bear Shelley.
"No. Too confusing. A female cowboy and male cowboy? No, the human
brain can only hold so much info," said Lord Teddy Bear Byron stuffing
another sandwich in his mouth.
"True. Can we make one of the cowboys an Eskimo? Byron? Byron? Are
you alright?" said Lord Teddy Bear Shelley becoming very concerned as
his friend was foaming at the mouth.
"Sand-wich! Poi-Soned!!" were Lord Teddy Bear Byron's last words as he
fell to the ground.
Lord Teddy Bear Shelley looked at his dead friend with surprise. And
then he looked philosophically up into the heavens. Could it be that
there was an even more ultimate Teddy Bear Picnic than this one? And
could it be that an even greater Teddy Bear had just eaten a sandwich
with Lord Teddy Bear Byron's name on it?
Lord Teddy Bear Shelley reflected on this for a moment. And then
decided that it didn't really matter. Anyways, time to find a new
unpoisoned basket, he thought to himself.
But before he could begin that journey, he heard a...
Writer's Notes:
Dusting off this imprint again. Please, feel free to continue this --
anyone.
Here's more about the Bechdel Test (which this story sadly fails)...
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBechdelTest
Arthur "Dusting" Spitzer
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