usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #13

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Jun 6 17:57:54 PDT 2011


The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #13

"Well... Jascha Heifetz went down to California, he was lookin' for a
girlfriend to keell, he was in a bind 'coz he was way behind and he
was willin' to make a deal. He came across King Mookie playin' on the
fiddle and playin' it hot, and Heitfetz jumped up on a hickory stump
and said something that rhymed with what."

"And then he..."  But before Jascha Heifetz could finish his little 
ditty two Santa Claus hat wearing sharks with chainsaws interrupted him.

"Marvelous!  That was simply marvelous!" said one of the sharks.  "Have 
you ever thought of becoming a professional singer?  How about signing a 
big record deal with us?  Interested?"

"Really?" said a surprised Jascha Heifetz.  "You think I've got the 
talent?  I mean I remember Mom (before I killed her) always telling me 
that I had a great singing voice -- but really?  Do you think I have it? 
  Am I the next Justin Bieber?  Am I?  Really?"

"Naw," said the other shark.  "We just tell that to all our victims 
before we chainsaw them to death."  And then they chained sawed poor 
Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha Heifetz to death.

"Wait!  No Fair!  You can't do this to me!" said Jascha Heifetz.  "I'm 
already dead!"

"We don't care," said the first shark.

And Girlfriend 11-20-2030 decided to run like hell.

And above all of this on a greater plane of existence, Two Teddy Bears 
the size of Mountains watched all of this transpire as they gobbled up 
huge amounts of cucumber sandwiches.

"So Final Bed-ageddon has begun.  And it is only a matter of time until 
The Sentence Finisher arrives to finish the Unfinished Sentence Verse 
forever.  And then shall come the reboot," said the big black teddy bear 
named Lord Teddy Bear Byron.

"Yes.  Finally, the old confusing gibberish shall make way for the new 
confusing gibberish," said the big white teddy bear named Lord Teddy 
Bear Shelley.

Lord Teddy Bear Byron scarfed down a few more sandwiches.  "Yes, finally 
we can all go back to the beginning -- yet this time it will be 
different.  Perhaps all of the characters will be teenagers on a raft."

"And maybe this time they will have collars.  Every single one of them. 
  Even the Viking gila monster character."

"Yes.  Still it sounds very confusing."

Lord Teddy Bear Shelley nodded.  "Yes.  Too many characters.  Stories 
should only have three characters at the most.  Preferably, two cowboys 
and a ballerina."

Lord Teddy Bear Byron shook his head.  "No no, I'm afraid that would 
never pass the Bechdel Test."

"The what test?"

"The Bechdel Test!  All fiction must have at least two women who have at 
least one conversation that is about something other than men. 
Otherwise the story will be horribly sexist."

"I see."

"So, there should be two ballerinas and a cowboy."

"How about if one of the cowboys is a female cowboy?" asked Lord Teddy 
Bear Shelley.

"No.  Too confusing.  A female cowboy and male cowboy?  No, the human 
brain can only hold so much info," said Lord Teddy Bear Byron stuffing 
another sandwich in his mouth.

"True.  Can we make one of the cowboys an Eskimo?  Byron?  Byron?  Are 
you alright?" said Lord Teddy Bear Shelley becoming very concerned as 
his friend was foaming at the mouth.

"Sand-wich!  Poi-Soned!!" were Lord Teddy Bear Byron's last words as he 
fell to the ground.

Lord Teddy Bear Shelley looked at his dead friend with surprise.  And 
then he looked philosophically up into the heavens.  Could it be that 
there was an even more ultimate Teddy Bear Picnic than this one?  And 
could it be that an even greater Teddy Bear had just eaten a sandwich 
with Lord Teddy Bear Byron's name on it?

Lord Teddy Bear Shelley reflected on this for a moment.  And then 
decided that it didn't really matter.  Anyways, time to find a new 
unpoisoned basket, he thought to himself.

But before he could begin that journey, he heard a...

Writer's Notes:

Dusting off this imprint again.  Please, feel free to continue this -- 
anyone.

Here's more about the Bechdel Test (which this story sadly fails)...

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBechdelTest

Arthur "Dusting" Spitzer


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