usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse TEB: The First Dozen
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Jun 6 17:56:40 PDT 2011
usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse TEB: The First Dozen
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse TEB: #1-12
By Arthur Spitzer, Adrian James McClure, Tom Russell, and Mitchell Crouch.
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat, 6 May 2006 15:42:52 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
The man woke up. Strange, he thought to himself. Where am I? Who am I?
He was on a raft. A raft in the middle of the Ocean. And there were people
with him. People and creatures. One of the creatures was this gila monster
wearing a Viking Cap. Another looked like a robot with a cowboy hat. There
was a cute red-headed nun sitting next to the robot. And sitting next to
her was some very wrinkled old lady wearing a red bikini smoking a cigar.
"Who are you people? Why am I here? I can't remember anything. Not even
my name!"
"Well, look who's awake." The old lady took the cigar out of her mouth
briefly. "As to where we are, well, none of us know either. We all have
amnesia too."
"I don't understand. How can we all have amnesia?" the man said as he
looked closer at his surroundings.
But before anyone could answer that question, the raft started to...
=========
To be continued by anyone who feels like it...
=========
Arthur "Unfini..." Spitzer
From: "Adrian James McClure" <lord_sold... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat, 6 May 2006 16:53:47 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #2
But before anyone could answer that question, the raft started to curse
incoherently in Spanish. "Why is it doing that?" said the anonymous
protagonist.
"I don't know," said the creepy old lady. "It's been doing that all
the time since I woke up."
"Puta lagarto!" said the raft. "Mis pantalones estan comidos por emus
de mierda!"
"You know," said the protagonist, "this whole situation seems very
profound somehow. This must be some kind of profound mystery with deep
metaphysical overtones that must gradually be pieced together. Or
maybe this is all an elaborate allegory. I represent the average
everyman, searching for his own identity, surrounded by a hostile
society. The old woman represents Americans' desire for youth and
inability to accept their own mortality. The nun represents organized
religion. The robot with a cowboy hat represents the working class.
The gila monster with a viking helmet represents, er, science fiction
fandom. And the raft represents illegal immigrants."
"You have to be an academic," said the nun, who had a light Irish
accent.
"Why is that?"
"Because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"See! Organized religion is always hostile to intellectual activity!"
Suddenly, Jeph Loeb was brought in as a writer in this series to
increase its sales. A giant robot which looks exactly like the
Composite Ultimate Ninja flew in and blasted the protagonist's head
off. "Hey!" said the severed head of the protagonist. "That hurts!"
The robot's chest opened to reveal...
Adrian "and yes, I'm aware there is no Composite Ultimate Ninja" McClure
From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse} The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat, 6 May 2006 19:09:15 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 3
The robot's chest opened to reveal a hand, upon which sat an old
Courier and Ives plate (a young couple mushing their horse-drawn
carriage through an idyllic winter wonderland) that held the crimpled
remains of a faded blue pastel muffin wrapper, sans muffin: all that
remained of it were a few neglected crumbs, tasty blueberry orphans
(and that's if the muffin was a blueberry one, or, for that matter, if
it was a muffin at all: it very well could have been a cupcake and not
a muffin, and if it was a cupcake, did that mean that the existence of
its piecemeal survivors was any sweeter, that their fate was any less
dire-- and what kind of frosting once adorned its light, fluffy top;
oh, never mind, it was a muffin after all) torn from their family by a
masticating holocaust, only to be devoured in one fell slurp by cruel
fate in a viking helmet (and if that viking-hatted Gila monster could
speak the language of man, and if he was a conossuier of fine foods
able to tell the difference between a muffin and its sweet sinful
barely-legal and more attractive younger sister the cupcake, then that
Gila monster could settle, once and for all, whether or not it was a
muffin or a cupcake that he did devour the last few measly crumbs of),
much to the surprise and astonishment of the robot, who did weep
copious tears; water and electricity do not mix, and so that robotic
behemoth of everything Loebian (for, as the discerning reader should
discern with no discernable difficultly, Jeph "I can't write Batman
correctly but I sure can resurrect Jason Fucking Todd with the best of
them" Loeb has been jettisoned, only to be readily replaced by the
once-thought dead Marcel "I can write thirty pages about how I fall to
sleep" Proust and his magical motherfucking tea cup and piece of
madeleine-- and whatever happened to i before e except after c; Maddie,
as usual, provides a welcome exception) found his flight capabilities
quite diminished and sank to the ocean, destined to rust forever as it
pondered the fate of the crumbs it had played Papa Varian to for a few
brief lovely moments: the end of a life is, as always, bittersweet.
The gila monster licks his
From: "Adrian James McClure" <lord_sold... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sun, 7 May 2006 10:16:28 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #4
The gila monster licks his (that is, the long-unmentioned
protagonist's) bones as his head, lamenting deeply over the loss of its
beloved body, weeps bitterly, but just as he the gila monster is about
to launch into an elaborate reminiscience of how the exquisite taste of
the protagonist's corpse (another subtle reference to high culture!)
reminds him of his childhood in the lost city of atomic vikings,
hopefully with less errors than the last time (for in fact Jeph Loeb is
not the same person as Judd Winick, who brought Jason Todd back from
the dead and is in fact a worse writer, as frightening as it may be)
when Proust is suddenly shot in the back! "I've had enough of your
girly writing style," says the mysterious newcomer. Proust turns
around and finds to his horror that it's...
"The cybernetic disembodied head of Ernest Hemingway attached to the
body of a gorilla! But it cannot be! After you attempted to help
Pointless Awards Man IV take over the multiverse in the LNH cascade
'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the RACCies... Again!' you were
imprisoned in the center of the universe by the Anonymous Anglo-Saxon
Alliterative Poet Corps!" Remembering this cascade then leads Proust
to reminisce bittersweetly about the halcyon days of a few months ago
as Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway blasts him full of bullets.
"There," said Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway, "now we can have some real
writing with simple declarative sentences!" But just as Cyborg Gorilla
Hemingway is about to sit down and write, a cloaked figure enters the
room. "Aroint thee, thou qualling bat-fowling canker-blossom! Or face
the wrath of..." The figure removes his cloak, revealing... "William
Shakespeare!" Shakespeare pulls out his...
From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 5
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Thu, 11 May 2006 06:45:36 -0700 (PDT)
THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 5
Shakespeare pulls out his Rutabaga of Doom and looks you steadily in
the eye. "You must now come with me," he says.
Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway cuts him off. "No! You have to come with
me!"
"Thou art as untrustworthy as..."
Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway cuts him off again, grabbing you urgently by
the shoulders. "Don't trust him! He'll kill you all!"
"What should we do?" says the nun, turning to you. "Do we trust
Shakespeare or Hemingway?"
IF YOU TRUST SHAKESPEARE, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 6A!
IF YOU TRUST HEMINGWAY, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 6B!
IF YOU DON'T TRUST EITHER, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 1!
IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE NUN, go to LEGION OF NET.HEROES VOL. 2
# 13!
IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE VIKING GILA MONSTER, go to...
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 5
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Fri, 12 May 2006 17:01:23 -0700 (PDT)
IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE VIKING GILA MONSTER, go to The Studio 54
it's where all the action is!
THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE #6D
'D is for Disco Viking Gila Monster 70's Flashback Issue'
The 1970s...
It was a dark and funky night. The Village People's song 'Macho Man' played
in the background. People were getting ready to boogie down. And then he
came in. He wore bell bottoms and a polyster shirt. He had a gold chain
necklace and some mood rings. And -- he was a gila monster.
"Whohh!" said a girl named Rhonda wearing a roller derby costume. "Who's
Mr. Smooth with the horny helmet? He's giving me a Saturday Night Fever!"
"That, Sweet Cheeks, is Dr. Dance Magic himself," said the bartender named
Larry. "He's the Baron of Boogie. There ain't no one alive that can match
him on the dance floor."
"He's So Dreamy!"
"You can say that again. But I got to warn you if you're alone with him for
just one sec he'll eat you alive!"
"Mmm. Sounds like my kind of man!"
"You can say that again."
Suddenly without warning a voice thundered in the room. "Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble!"
"Oh shit! Not him!" Larry the bartender quickly put the glass that he was
filling down. Someone had entered the Dance Studio. A turkey. A turkey
with a pimp hat!
"Damn, it's Dr. Dance Magic's greatest arch-enemy: Jive the Pimp Turkey!
And Jive's Go-Go-Hoes are with him!" Larry said pointed to the gang of
ladies surrounding the turkey with the pimp cane. "There's going to be a
Disco Duel!"
Suddenly the Bee Gee song, 'Staying Alive' started to pound away from the
speakers. The gila monster with the viking helmet pointed to the sky like
John Travolta and did a twirl. Multi-Colored lights flickered through the
room.
The Boogie Showdown of all Boogie Showdown had begun. Everyone just stopped
what they were doing and stared as the Two Disco Titan's feet did battle on
the dance floor.
"Something's Wrong!" Rhonda said after a few minutes. "Dr. Dance Magic is
losing it! Jive the Pimp Turkey is just too good! Dr. Dance Magic is being
out boogied! I think he's given up. He's just standing there on the dance
floor -- No wait! He's got something. It's a -- A broadsword! He's going
to..."
There was a blood curdling scream. Jive the Pimp Turkey's head lay in the
middle of the floor in a pool of blood.
"God!" Rhonda's face was full of horror. "What's he doing!? What's he
doing to that turkey!?"
"Must be dinner time," Larry replied. "Told you, Sweet Cheeks. He'll eat
you alive unless you're dead then he'll eat you dead."
End of 70's Flashback...
The gila monster with the viking helmet's mind returned to the present. He
looked at the raft he was floating on full of stranger. He decided that he
would...
Arthur "Afternoon Delight" Spitzer
From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 7
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Wed, 24 May 2006 08:32:03 -0700 (PDT)
THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 7
BY TOM RUSSELL
He decided that he would have to be careful about when he indulged in a
meaningful flashback. In the interim between the start of the
flashback and its sweet, luscious end, the others had apparently made
the important decision between Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway and Shakespeare
without him.
"Forsooth!" said Shakespeare after a trans-dimensional portal had
swallowed the raft, "Bwahahahaheehoha!"
"That's not true iambic pentameter!" said the old woman clad in bikini
and weilding cigar. "Which means... you're not really Shakespeare!"
"You may have found me out," snarled the faux bard of avon, "but it is
too late now! For you are now in the clutches of... Shaka Zulu!"
He started to pull at the Shakespearean costume and face mask with one
hand, as he pulled out a long impaling spear with the other.
"What are we going to do?" lamented the nun.
"Rodilla!" said the raft.
This reminded the Viking Gila Monster of an earlier point in his life,
when (for a brief and shameful moment) he voted for Reagan.
It wasn't really his fault: Reaganomics made sense to him at the time,
gas prices were soaring, and, most importantly of all, there was a bear
in the woods, damn it! A god damn bear!
And if there was one thing the Viking Gila Monster was afraid of...
If there was one thing that could be construed as being his only
weakness... it was bears! Especially bears in the god-damn woods!
He shuddered, and this was enough to jog him out of his
psuedo-flashback.
Again, he cursed himself for indulging in a flashback at an inopportune
moment. For now, Shaka Zulu was gone. So were the Viking Gila
Monster's strange companions.
He was no longer on a raft floating in some interdimensional portal, or
even on a raft floating in some tempest-toss'd sea. No.
He was on a stationary raft, in the middle of the woods, surrounded by
three bears. Porridge dripped from their snouts as they inched closer,
closer, closer.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2006 17:03:59 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Man known as Ranch Rancherson sat in a
rocking chair and rocked while he dipped his Ranch Style Potatoe (spelled
with an E as a tribute to Dan Quayle and so Tom Russell will do one of his
oh so amusing spelling critiques) Chips in a Bucket of Ranch Style Dressing.
His dog, Rancho, sat by his side licking drops of spilled Ranch Style
Dressing that fell on the wooden porch.
"You can't keep doing that, Ranch!" his wife, Ranchitta, screamed while
flailing her arms about. "Humans weren't meant to consume that much Ranch
Style Dressing! It's inhuman! Why can't you stop! Why must you eat so
much Ranch Dressing! Why are you doing this?! Don't you care about your
health? Why, Ranch?! Why?! You're going to kill yourself, Ranch! Please!
Stop!" Ranchitta looked to the heavens. "Please, God, stop him from doing
this! Stop this horrible Ranch Dressing Suicide Binge! Please!" Tears
started streaming from her eyes.
"Ah, quit being such a nag!" Ranch Rancherson said as he popped another
Ranch Style Potatoe Chip Covered in Ranch Style Dressing into his mouth.
But, as it turned out, that was one Ranch Style Potatoe Chip Covered in
Ranch Style Dressing too many. His heart filled to the brim with Ranch
Dressing exploded. Ranch Rancherson fell from his rocking chair; his body
hit his wooden porch. Ranch Dressing started to stream from his mouth,
nostrils, ears, eyeballs, and other bodily orifices. Rancho quickly rushed
to his Master's body and started to lick the ranch dressing leaking out of
Ranch Rancherson's eyes.
And somewhere, a Robot wearing a cowboy hat watched all of this. And it
smiled a cold mechanical smile.
Meanwhile, back at the teddy bear picnic, the...
Arthur "Ranchless" Spitzer
From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 9
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2006 13:17:02 -0700 (PDT)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 9
--Tom Russell
Meanwhile, back at the teddy bear picnic, the last scion of the
Rancherson fortune, Ronald "Hank" Rancherson, squeezed his moth-eaten
teddy bear, like so many of the other small children-and-teddy-bear
couples picnicking on this glorious Sunday morning; they all clapped
their hands and laughed at the tax accountant who had been chosen to
entertain them.
He straightened his tie and cleared his throat, not for the first, and
not for the last time. "Well, the long and short of it, boys and
girls, is that this woman thought she could claim both the
homesteader's exemption _and_ the standardized exemption, and you
should have seen her face when I told her this was sadly not the way it
works." He chuckled; the children laughed and clapped some more.
Poor Hank! This is his last happy moment. For soon the news will
spread that his father has died. He stands to inherit the Rancherson
fortune, the Rancherson Secret, and also, the Rancherson enemies.
He will be able to trust no-one. No-one except his teddy bear, Oswald.
Enjoy this last happy moment, Hank: for within seconds, it will spoilt
by gunfire.
The tax accountant adjusts his tie and clears his throat for what will
prove to be the last time.
"Now, children, here's a funny story about a small business owner who...
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10: 'Bigger than Your
Average Teddy Bear Picnic'
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 2006 02:00:34 +0000 (UTC)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10
"Now, children, here's a funny story about a small business owner who
says... Arrrhhhahahgggg!!!!! God!!! I've been shot!!! I'm going to
die!!!! No!!! Don't!!! I swear -- she told me she was 18!!!! Oh God!
This is the end!!! God, being shot hurts!!!! It really hurts!!! No
wait!!! You don't have to shoot me anymore times!!! I'm dead!!
Honest!! Ouch!! You bastard!! Okay, I've been shot at least 92
times!! Don't you think that's enough?!! Ahhhggggghghh!!! Okay. 95
times! Boy being murdered is sure murder! The Blood!! The Horror!!
It's all getting dark. Dark and wet. Dark and wet and sticky. Going.
Going. Hmm. Don't seem to have witty last..." And finally the tax
accountant died. And blood soaked the Teddy Bear picnic.
The children and families looked in horror at what had killed the poor
tax accountant. It was a turkey. A cyborg turkey. A cyborg turkey
with a pimp cane. And a gun. And before they could scream in horror,
they joined the tax accountant in the swimming pool of blood!
And Ronald "Hank" Rancherson? Hank just watched as he clutched his
teddy bear Oswald closely to his body. And then some force grabbed him.
And took him to another world. A better world.
'Bigger than Your Average Teddy Bear Picnic'
Hank woke up. Where was he? It was a picnic! The biggest picnic he
had ever seen! And towering above him were two teddy bears the size of
mountains! One was black. Black as a Black Hole with a Black Beard
painted Black! And the other one was white. White as an Anti-Black
Hole that had just brushed its teeth with Extra-Sparkling White
Toothpaste. And in between them was a picnic basket. The biggest picnic
basket that Hank had ever seen. And the two massive teddy bears picked
out cucumber sandwiches from the basket and they drank some reddish
liquid that looked like strawberry wine. One of teddy bears was reading
a piece of paper. After a bit, the two bears noticed Hank watching them.
"So it is time," said the black teddy bear. "Time for the scene in The
Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10 for us to talk to the child named Hank
and reveal to him the Mysteries of the Universe."
The white teddy bear grunted in agreement as he devoured another
cucumber sandwich.
"Where am I?" asked Hank with some concern.
"This is the Ultimate Teddy Bear Picnic. It was the first Teddy Bear
Picnic and it shall be the last. And as it falls into the dust, so will
go time and space."
"Umm -- okay. Who are you?"
"I am Lord Teddy Bear Byron," said the Black Teddy Bear.
"And I am Lord Teddy Bear Shelley," said the White Teddy Bear.
"Hi. I'm Hank. How did I get here?"
"That is a good question. How does anyone get here? No one knows. One
day you wake up and there is a picnic basket filled with cucumber
sandwiches and there is no going back. For this is all there is. My
friend Lord Teddy Bear Shelley and I have been here for an eternity and
have come no closer to the answer. Who are we? Are we God? Are we
Satan? Are we Fate and Destiny? Are we just two incredibly large Teddy
Bears with very pretentious names? Perhaps we are Death and these
cucumber sandwiches are the life forces of humanity. Then again perhaps
it is just a coincidence that every time we eat a sandwich with a name
of a specific person that person dies. Perhaps."
Hank felt a chill in his bones and clutched his teddy bear Oswald even
tighter. "I don't..?"
"Oh. Sorry. Perhaps this will help explain. You know your friend
Billy? He was with you at the Teddy Bear Picnic?"
Hank nodded.
"This sandwich has Billy's name on it." The black teddy bear popped the
sandwich into its mouth. "Now Billy is no more." The black teddy bear
washed the sandwich down with some strawberry wine.
"No!! You killed Billy!!" Tears started to stream down Hank's eyes.
"And this sandwich has your friend Suzy's name on it," said the white
teddy bear smacking down another cucumber sandwich. "Mmm. Your friend
Suzy was Smack-uh-licious..."
"No!! You're killing all of my friends!! Stop it!! STOP IT!!!! You
Monsters!!"
"Actually, it is a cyborg turkey with a pimp cane that is killing your
friends undoubtedly Jive the Pimp Turkey who was believed to be killed
in The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 6, but now appears to be back in
action. Although, I suppose it's possible that if we hadn't eaten those
cucumber sandwiches your friends would still be alive. I guess we'll
never truly know who is to blame," Lord Teddy Bear Byron said reflecting
on this philosophical question.
"Wh-wh-why are you doing this?" cried Hank.
"Because the Cucumber Sandwiches are very tasty. Would you like one
Hank?" Lord Teddy Bear Shelley reached into the basket and grabbed
another sandwich.
"No! I don't want to kill people!!"
"Suit yourself," shrugged Lord Teddy Bear Shelley popping another
sandwich in his mouth.
"Stop!! You've got to stop this!! Eating those sandwiches!! Please!!"
begged Hank.
"But if we stopped eating these sandwiches, we would starve to death.
You wouldn't want us to starve to death, would you, Hank?"
"Yes!! You're killers!! You're evil!!!"
"Ah, Hank," Lord Teddy Bear Shelley shook his head. "When you're older
you'll understand. There needs to be Teddy Bears to eat cucumber
sandwiches. For if there were no Teddy Bears the cucumber sandwiches
would overrun the entire Universe and there would be nothing but
cucumber sandwiches."
"I don't care!! I want to go home!! I hate this place!! I hate you!!"
Hank started balling his eyes out.
"Fine. But one day you will understand, Hank. One day. Goodbye, Hank."
Many years later...
The protagonist's mind returned back to the present. "I remember. I
remember everything. My name. My past. My purpose. I understand.
Finally... I... damn I'm still a severed head." Hank could feel the Old
Lady in the red bikini stroking his...
Arthur "Bear-tastic" Spitzer
From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #11
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:31:57 +0000 (UTC)
THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE #11
By Arthur Spitzer
"Hank could feel the Old Lady in the red bikini stroking his mustache! And
that's when the raft turned over and everyone fell out into the water!
All of them!"
"And that's when the shark's with Santa Claus hats came! All of them! The
sharks ate everyone! Everyone! And the sharks took back the bones of
their victims to the Santa Claus Shark Jamboree and made the bones into
musical instruments! Magical musical instruments! All of them! And the
sharks played their magical instruments and had ice cream sandwiches and
root beer floats at the Jamboree!"
"And all of the sharks wearing Santa Claus hats lived happily ever after!"
"The End!"
"And that's the end of my Book Report!" said a nine-year old by the name
of Mookie Mustard smiling as he stood in front of his 3rd grade class.
At first there was silence, as if no one knew quite what to say to
that. And then the cheering began. All of Mookie's classmates started
chanting, "Mookie! Mookie!" Some chanted, "Encore!" Some chanted, "You
Are God!" But they were all cheering at the top of their lungs, standing
on chairs, and banging their desks with their feet.
Mookie's 3rd Grade Teacher, Mrs. Booyah, tried to calm her students down.
She spoke with her loud voice. "Settle Down Children!" And then she
looked at Mookie. "Dear Lord, Mookie. That was Wonderful! That maybe
the most beautiful book report I've ever heard. I..." A teardrop fell
from Mrs. Booyah's eye. She wiped it with her finger and then looked at
her hand. Her hand had four fingers and a thumb! Four fingers and a
thumb! "Dear Lord, Mookie! My leprosy! My leprosy! You've cured me!
You've cured my leprosy!!" Her hand touched her scalp. She felt hair.
Her scalp had hair! "I have hair! You've cured my baldness! Oh god,
Mookie! Do you realize what your book report can do? It can perform
miracles! Miracles, Mookie! Miracles! You know what this means?"
Mookie shook his head.
"It means the whole world must hear your book report, Mookie! We must
share it with the world, Mookie! For it will save us all! We have too!"
"Okay," said Mookie.
"We're going to Washington, DC, class!" shouted Mrs. Booyah. "Right now!"
"Yay!" shouted the class.
==+++==
11 days later...
"I want to thank you, Mookie -- for what your book report has done for our
country," said George W Bush. "It has single handedly reversed every
stupid thing I've done in the past 8 years! It helped us win the Iraq War
and create a lasting Middle East Peace. It helped us fix New Orleans and
helped us bring back our economy while also erasing the deficit. And
instead of the World hating America everyone loves us! Your book report
has saved this country, Mookie! And that's why I'm giving you this
medal!"
"Cool," said Mookie has he put the medal around his neck.
"In fact, I think maybe you should be King of the World. You'd make a
much better King of the World than I have. What do you say, Mookie? Do
you want to be King of the World?"
"I guess," said Mookie.
"That's great." George Bush removed the crown from his head and put it on
Mookie. "I crown you, King Mookie the First! All Hail King Mookie!"
Everyone cheered.
"And now I must go, King Mookie. I must go to the Valley of the History
Books where my Legacy shall be judged. Good Luck, King Mookie!" said
George W Bush.
"Bye," said Mookie.
==+++==
22 years later...
There was a big bed. A very big bed. A bed for a king. The Bed was the
size of the Louisiana Superdome. But it wasn't the biggest bed ever for
there was another bed even bigger than this bed. For this bed was on an
even bigger bed. This big bed was called Bedopolis and it was the size of
Rhode Island. An entire city was lying on this bed. Still even it wasn't
the biggest bed for it was on a bed too. A bed the size of the United
States. And this bed was called Bed State. A Bed that was a State. And
even it wasn't the biggest bed ever for it was on a bed too. A Bed called
the World Bed that was so big it spanned the entire globe. This was the
biggest bed. But let us go back to the first bed and the king who slept
on it.
There was a huge celebration on the king's bed with thousands of people
dancing on it. Right near where the king was were cloned members of the
Beatles playing for the king. Next to the king was a beautiful woman in a
pink nightee. The beautiful women spoke.
"I want to thank you for this, your majesty -- for choosing me out of all
of the girls in my small village. I am very honored! I hope I can please
you!"
"Umm, right. Name?"
"I am Girlfriend 11-20-2030!"
"Champagne?" King Mookie said he offered her a glass.
She took a sip. "Mmm. This is so good!"
"It should be. It's a trillion dollars a bottle."
"Oh my!"
"And I don't choose the girls. I have a task force that does that."
"Of course -- I knew that! I'm just -- I'm just lucky. What you have
done for the world is amazing! So amazing! And now I'm here with you!
The man who saved the world! How did you do it? Come up with the whole
Giant Bed idea?"
"Hmm. I guess I was in bed at the time. And it just came to me. A giant
bed. What if all of humanity worked on a big bed. There would be no
poverty. No war. Just people working together to make a giant bed. And
that's where it came from. The Giant Bed Economic Theory."
"Wow! That's amazing! Still, do you ever wonder what will happen when
the World Bed is finally finished?"
King Mookie smiled. "I've already figured that out. After the World Bed,
we'll start building -- The Solar System Bed! A Bed the size of the Solar
System!"
"Wow! And after that?"
"The Milky Way Bed! A bed the size of our Galaxy!"
"Wow! And after that?"
"Then it will be time for the -- Universe Bed! A bed the size of the
Universe!"
"Wow! Is that even possible?"
"Anything is possible if we all work together."
"Wow! But what happens when the Universe Bed is finished? Where do you
go from there?"
King Mookie frowned. "I don't know. I guess I'm hoping by that stage in
our human evolution that someone else will come up with a better Economic
Theory that doesn't involve building gigantic beds. I hope so at least."
"Wow! That's amazing. Oh and before I forget, I love 'The Most Awesome
Book Report Ever'. I've read it so many times, I think I have it
memorized. Is it true that you're working on a sequel?"
"Yes. 'The Most Awesome Book Report Ever: The Sequel!' I've been working
on it. I don't know if I'll ever finish it though."
"You've got to! You're the best book report writer ever! Can I read what
you've written so far? Please!"
"Umm -- no. Sorry. In fact there's something I should probably tell you.
Something I've always wanted to tell someone. A secret. Can you keep a
secret?"
"Oh sure! What is it?"
"It's something you can never tell another person as long as you live. Can
you promise that?"
"Promise!"
King Mookie looked around to see if anyone was listening and then he
whispered into Girlfriend 11-20-2030's ear. "You see -- this whole giant
bed utopia, well -- here it is. It's built on a lie."
"A lie?"
King Mookie nodded. "I've never written a book report ever. I've never
written anything. I stole 'The Most Awesome Book Report Ever' off of the
internet. On some newsgroup. The only part of it I did write was the
part with the Santa Claus sharks. The rest of it was stolen."
"My God! Why hasn't anyone ever come forward?"
"Because I either bribed them or killed them."
"God. This is -- I can't believe this."
"And the real truth is that -- everything in the book report is
real. Everything. Except the Santa Claus sharks which is fake."
"But -- but it can't be. It can't be real."
"But it is. And you know what else?" But before King Mookie could
continue someone shrieked.
"Oh god!" Girlfriend 11-20-2030 said as she saw what was happening to the
party. "Sharks! In Santa Claus hats! With chainsaws! They're killing
everyone! But -- but I thought you said that they were fake!? That you
made them up?!"
King Mookie started cackling manically. "Foolish wench! Did you really
think I was King Mookie? Muhahahhaha! King Mookie died 11 years ago!
Yes!!! I killed him and took his place! Do you want to know who I am,
wench? Do you!!!?" He pulled off his King Mookie mask to reveal his true
face.
The face of...
===
To be continued by someone else...
===
Writer's notes:
Needed a break from writing Beige Midnight. Decided to dust this universe
off... Anyone can write the next issue... Anyone...
Arthur "Bed to the bone" Spitzer
From: Tarq <mitchell_cro... at caladrius.com.au>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #11
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 2008 08:02:20 +0000 (UTC)
The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #12
The face of the Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha Heifetz!
Girlfriend 11-20-2030 gasped. "Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha
Heifetz! No! I thought... I thought..."
"You thought I was dead!" cackled Jascha Heifetz. "But it's not so
easy to kill a Reborn Undead Vampire, is it? Especially when they have
a tendency to come back as a zombie!"
"Especially when they have a tendency to come back as a zombie!"
agreed a random screaming civilian who was being devoured by a shark
in a Santa Claus hat.
Jascha Heifetz advanced menacingly, reaching into his pocket and
pulling what looked like a switch-blade but was actually a switch-
violin. He switched his switch-violin, making it instead a violin-
switch, and jabbed at the air between them, forcing Girlfriend
11-20-2030 to retreat.
"Dastardly," she gasped. Swallowing, she bravely held her hands out in
what she hoped was a pacifying gesture. "Jascha," she began. "Jascha.
I want you to know... I want you to know I never wanted to things to
end like they did. And..." She shook her head. "But why? Why, Jascha?
After all this time, and eleven years of pretending to be King
Mookie?"
Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie Jascha Heifetz lowered his violin-switch
slightly. "Actually, it's a very long story. Are you sure you want to
hear all of it?"
Behind her back, Girlfriend 11-20-2030 pulled the pin out of a
concealed hand grenade and moved closer. Reborn Undead Vampire Zombie
Jascha Heifetz had to be stopped, at any cost. She could only hope
that his death would somehow stop the Santa Claus Shark Massacre o'
2035, and that her own death would not be in vain.
"I searched the world for you, 11-20-2030," Heifetz began. "But it
soon became clear that no one was going to help a Reborn Undead
Vampire Zombie. So... so I..." He began to choke on his words, and he
raised his violin-switch and pulled out a switch-bow which he then
switched into a bow-switch. "Please... may I tell this story through
music?"
Girlfriend 11-20-2030 nodded her consent, the metal of the grenade
cold against her soft hands. "Sure thing, doc."
"Well... Jascha Heifetz went down to California, he was lookin' for a
girlfriend to keell, he was in a bind 'coz he was way behind and he
was willin' to make a deal. He came across King Mookie playin' on the
fiddle and playin' it hot, and Heitfetz jumped up on a hickory stump
and said...
Arthur "Unfinished" Spitzer
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