LNHY: Looniverse Y #9: "Strapping In"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Jul 23 08:16:56 PDT 2011

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 L      O      O      N      I      V      E      R      S      E

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                           N U M B E R
                             N I N E

[The cover shows Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass lifting Kid Kicked-Out 
in preparation for tossing him out the door.  Kid Enthusiastic-Y stands 
behind her, arms crossed, and says in a speech bubble: "Sorry, Kid 
Kicked-Out, but you're being *booted* from the book! This issue's all 
about the SYSTEM CORRUPTERS!"  The last two words are in a fancy font, 
indicating it's supposed to be the official System Corrupters logo.]


                            "Strapping In"


Kid Enthusiastic-Y ran along the boardwalk.  Now, why had the New 
System Corrupters Member Detector wanted him to leave?  His genius-
level mind whirled, working at the problem with all its intellectual 

Ah, of course!  It was so that he could buy the new member some ice 

Look, give the kid some slack; he's only ten years old.

Kid E-Y plunked down his pocket change at a nearby stand.  Should he 
get a cone for the Member Detector?  Was it capable of eating ice 
cream?  Well, he'd get two, and if the Member Detector didn't want it, 
he'd eat it.

He ran back down towards the beach with the pair of cones, and gaped at 
what was happening there.

A strange, amorphous shape was rising out of the ocean, twisting and 
writhing.  Every few seconds, it would assume the form of some sort of 
large building, shaped kind of like a five-story-tall vending machine.  
Then it would collapse, and the cycle would start over again.

He noticed two other things about it.  First, that the shape was 
growing, and slowly moving up onto the beach; second, that both the New 
System Corrupters Member Detector and some lady were right in its way.

Dropping the cones, he made a crazy hoverboot-assisted hundred-yard-
dash and knocked them both out of the way of the expanding mass.

"Urk!" The lady landed face-down in the sand.  Spitting grit, she rose 
to her feet and snarled, "Who dares lay a hand on Exciting Leather S--"

Then she noticed who she was talking to.

"Straaaa... aha, hello little boy!  Who are you?"

It's not that Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass had any qualms about 
saying "dirty words" in front of children.  It's just that, when she 
looked into his eyes, she could see that he was exactly the kind of 
inquisitive young lad who would ask what, exactly, a strap-on *was*.

"Hi!" He grinned up at her. "I'm Kid Enthusiastic-Y!  Are you the new 
member of the System Corrupters?"

<:She is, she is!:> shouted the New System Corrupters Member Detector. 
<:But that's a little bit of a moot point, considering that you THREW 

"Wow, four exclamation points!  That's even more than Dad used when I 
broke Mom's birthday present!"


Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass had the sudden and unfamiliar sensation 
of being the only sane person in the conversation.  She shook her head. 
"I don't have time for this!  It is time for revenge... revenge on he
 who laid me low... revenge on Google.mesh!"

"Oh, okay.  See you!" Kid Enthusiastic-Y waved.

<:No, wait!:> The Member Detector would have been pulling its hair out, 
if it had hair.  Or anything to pull it out with.  It couldn't let a 
member get away!  Not when Spitzer had already volunteered her! <:Help 
us, and-- and we'll help you get your revenge!:>

"Oh, really." ELS-O Lass stroked her chin and looked at the shifting 
mass of System Corrupters HQs. "You do seem to have access to some 
powerful magic..."

<:Right!  Magic!  Kid Enthusiastic-Y, stamp her!:>

"Stamp?  Oh, I see..." Kid E-Y pulled a hand-stamper out of the System 
Corrupters Franchise Kit, the kind you'd see at a theme park to let 
customers get back in when they'd already paid. "Hold out your hand..." 
He pressed it into the back of her hand.  It glowed, a letter Y in 
craggy, gothic, serifed font, then disappeared.

<:Okay.  So... how do we stop that?:> The rolling mass of SCHQs was 
growing bigger and bigger.  The beach had been abandoned by the 
panicked sunbathers, and it was beginning to shake and deform, sand 
falling into a crevice that was quickly filled by the ocean, boards of 
the boardwalk groaning and splitting, chaos reigning.

"Hmmmm." Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass looked at the growing and 
collapsing headquarterses. "How many pills were in that bottle, 

<:A hundred and twenty-something... why?:>

"Well, then.  All we have to do is wait about fifteen seconds."

And, indeed, fifteen seconds later, the boiling seas quieted.  Kid 
Enthusiastic-Y applauded.  "Of course!  Each one summons a new base, 
destroying the old one in the process, so when all the pills are used 
up, there will be exactly one headquarters left!"

And there was, indeed, only one headquarters left.  Of course, it was 
stuck, upside-down, in the sand, with only the first floor above 
ground, but...

Kid E-Y patted the New System Corruptors Member Detector, which was 
softly weeping. "There, there.  Look, it's an underground base!  That's 
cool, right?"

The Member Detector sniffed. <:...s'pose...:>

"Good, good.  Now let's go inside and you can tell me more about this 
army of darkness."

Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass cackled fiendishly. "Indeed, lead on.  I 
wish to know more about this world... and how to conquer it!"

The three of them entered the base, symbolically beginning their 
careers as... the System Corrupters!

"So... what did you say your name was again?"


Author's Note: I was considering titling this "Things Get Awakward", 
but there really weren't as many Kid E-Y/Exciting Strap-On Lass moments 
as I thought there'd be.  Indeed, this issue is a little bit bland, but 
hey, it sets up the status quo nicely while delivering humor, and 
there's no shame in that!  ...right?

I wrote this issue in the space of a few hours, too.  Something about 
Looniverse Y lets me just let go and write whatever I feel like when I 
get inspired.  I think it's the feeling of structure combined with a 
lack of pressure to continue story arcs.

And, yes, the "giant vending machine" design of the SCHQ is based on 
the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  What better symbol of evil?

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, who loves those covers that have 
nothing to do with what happens in the story.

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