LNHY: Looniverse Y #9: "Strapping In"
Andrew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Jul 23 08:16:56 PDT 2011
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L O O N I V E R S E
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N U M B E R
N I N E
[The cover shows Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass lifting Kid Kicked-Out
in preparation for tossing him out the door. Kid Enthusiastic-Y stands
behind her, arms crossed, and says in a speech bubble: "Sorry, Kid
Kicked-Out, but you're being *booted* from the book! This issue's all
about the SYSTEM CORRUPTERS!" The last two words are in a fancy font,
indicating it's supposed to be the official System Corrupters logo.]
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
"Strapping In"
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Kid Enthusiastic-Y ran along the boardwalk. Now, why had the New
System Corrupters Member Detector wanted him to leave? His genius-
level mind whirled, working at the problem with all its intellectual
might.
Ah, of course! It was so that he could buy the new member some ice
cream!
Look, give the kid some slack; he's only ten years old.
Kid E-Y plunked down his pocket change at a nearby stand. Should he
get a cone for the Member Detector? Was it capable of eating ice
cream? Well, he'd get two, and if the Member Detector didn't want it,
he'd eat it.
He ran back down towards the beach with the pair of cones, and gaped at
what was happening there.
A strange, amorphous shape was rising out of the ocean, twisting and
writhing. Every few seconds, it would assume the form of some sort of
large building, shaped kind of like a five-story-tall vending machine.
Then it would collapse, and the cycle would start over again.
He noticed two other things about it. First, that the shape was
growing, and slowly moving up onto the beach; second, that both the New
System Corrupters Member Detector and some lady were right in its way.
Dropping the cones, he made a crazy hoverboot-assisted hundred-yard-
dash and knocked them both out of the way of the expanding mass.
"Urk!" The lady landed face-down in the sand. Spitting grit, she rose
to her feet and snarled, "Who dares lay a hand on Exciting Leather S--"
Then she noticed who she was talking to.
"Straaaa... aha, hello little boy! Who are you?"
It's not that Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass had any qualms about
saying "dirty words" in front of children. It's just that, when she
looked into his eyes, she could see that he was exactly the kind of
inquisitive young lad who would ask what, exactly, a strap-on *was*.
"Hi!" He grinned up at her. "I'm Kid Enthusiastic-Y! Are you the new
member of the System Corrupters?"
<:She is, she is!:> shouted the New System Corrupters Member Detector.
<:But that's a little bit of a moot point, considering that you THREW
THE ENTIRE BOTTLE OF SYSTEM CORRUPTERS HEADQUARTERS PILLS INTO THE
OCEAN!!!!:>
"Wow, four exclamation points! That's even more than Dad used when I
broke Mom's birthday present!"
<:AAAAAARGH!!!!:>
Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass had the sudden and unfamiliar sensation
of being the only sane person in the conversation. She shook her head.
"I don't have time for this! It is time for revenge... revenge on he
who laid me low... revenge on Google.mesh!"
"Oh, okay. See you!" Kid Enthusiastic-Y waved.
<:No, wait!:> The Member Detector would have been pulling its hair out,
if it had hair. Or anything to pull it out with. It couldn't let a
member get away! Not when Spitzer had already volunteered her! <:Help
us, and-- and we'll help you get your revenge!:>
"Oh, really." ELS-O Lass stroked her chin and looked at the shifting
mass of System Corrupters HQs. "You do seem to have access to some
powerful magic..."
<:Right! Magic! Kid Enthusiastic-Y, stamp her!:>
"Stamp? Oh, I see..." Kid E-Y pulled a hand-stamper out of the System
Corrupters Franchise Kit, the kind you'd see at a theme park to let
customers get back in when they'd already paid. "Hold out your hand..."
He pressed it into the back of her hand. It glowed, a letter Y in
craggy, gothic, serifed font, then disappeared.
<:Okay. So... how do we stop that?:> The rolling mass of SCHQs was
growing bigger and bigger. The beach had been abandoned by the
panicked sunbathers, and it was beginning to shake and deform, sand
falling into a crevice that was quickly filled by the ocean, boards of
the boardwalk groaning and splitting, chaos reigning.
"Hmmmm." Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass looked at the growing and
collapsing headquarterses. "How many pills were in that bottle,
anyway?"
<:A hundred and twenty-something... why?:>
"Well, then. All we have to do is wait about fifteen seconds."
And, indeed, fifteen seconds later, the boiling seas quieted. Kid
Enthusiastic-Y applauded. "Of course! Each one summons a new base,
destroying the old one in the process, so when all the pills are used
up, there will be exactly one headquarters left!"
And there was, indeed, only one headquarters left. Of course, it was
stuck, upside-down, in the sand, with only the first floor above
ground, but...
Kid E-Y patted the New System Corruptors Member Detector, which was
softly weeping. "There, there. Look, it's an underground base! That's
cool, right?"
The Member Detector sniffed. <:...s'pose...:>
"Good, good. Now let's go inside and you can tell me more about this
army of darkness."
Exciting Leather Strap-On Lass cackled fiendishly. "Indeed, lead on. I
wish to know more about this world... and how to conquer it!"
The three of them entered the base, symbolically beginning their
careers as... the System Corrupters!
"So... what did you say your name was again?"
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Looniverse Y YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Author's Note: I was considering titling this "Things Get Awakward",
but there really weren't as many Kid E-Y/Exciting Strap-On Lass moments
as I thought there'd be. Indeed, this issue is a little bit bland, but
hey, it sets up the status quo nicely while delivering humor, and
there's no shame in that! ...right?
I wrote this issue in the space of a few hours, too. Something about
Looniverse Y lets me just let go and write whatever I feel like when I
get inspired. I think it's the feeling of structure combined with a
lack of pressure to continue story arcs.
And, yes, the "giant vending machine" design of the SCHQ is based on
the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches. What better symbol of evil?
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, who loves those covers that have
nothing to do with what happens in the story.
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