LNH20: The Great Catastrophe #1
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Dec 12 05:53:24 PST 2011
The Great Catastrophe #1
[Twenty years ago...]
It was an average day (well, for this city, anyway). What with the ice
cream and the people and the ice cream and the muggings an-- wait,
what? Oh, hey, a mugging - let's watch!
"Look, man, I'm not saying you have to part with all your valuables,
just your money, all right?" said the Generic Mugger.
"And I keep telling you I don't have any on me!" replied his frustrated
"Well, that's why we're near a bank. I like to make my muggings
Oh, man, a mugger and a muggee! I wonder if a hero will come now?
"Hey, is this a private party?" said the Party Crasher.
YES! I was right for once! Though I didn't expect the hero to be a
sort of fuzzy-faced guy with a trenchcoat and a hat. It... looks good
"Yes!" snarled the Mugger. "And he was about to make a business
transaction for the muggery company, where you can get all your
"Give all your mon-ey to the muggery!"
"Who said that!?" The Very Confused Party Crasher glanced around, then
shrugged. "Anyway, yeah, I can't let you do that."
"And how do you intend to stop me?" replied the Indignant Mugger.
"Well, for one thing, your victim is getting away. Far away, in fact."
"Huh?" He looked and saw that, yeah, the guy was long gone. "Well,
great, *now* how am I supposed to get quota?" The Annoyed Mugger turned
to the Crasher of Parties and said, "Screw it! Take THIS!" So the
Hugger-- I mean *Mugger* took off his shirt and-- HOLY CRAP HE'S A
ROBOT! And he's got a giant fan! But the real question is, suck or--
Oh, blow then.
"Ha, that didn't work on me!" said the Confident Party Crasher. "I was
"Well, I-- ohhhh. I see now," said the Observant Mugger.
"See what?" asked the Slightly More Confused Party Crasher. "What do
"I see that you look like a butler," replied the Amused Mugger.
"Huh?" He looked down and, hey! That guy was right - he did look kind
of like a butler! Oh, and a cat. Got a lot more fuzzy. (Can someone
buy this guy a razor?)
The Butleresque Party Crasher panicked. "Crap, my catness is showing!
Where's my coat? Why did I have it hanging off my shoulders? What kind
of villain would unleash a giant fan on anyone!? WHAT DO I
DOOOOOOOoooooo... where are you going?"
That's an odd way to end a-- oohhhhh, the Robo-Mug-Bot 3000 is trying
to escaaaaape. Okay.
The Running Mugger called over his shoulder. "Well, you seem to be some
kind of cat-based net.hero, and I don't want cat hairs to clog my fan,
so I'm getting away from you now."
Oh, well, that makes sense.
"Getting away from who?" said the human... again? Party Crasher, with a
WAIT, WHAT? BUT, WHAT? BUT HE WAS BEHIND HIM AND NOW HE'S IN FROM OF
HIM AND COAT!? WHAT!?!
"What?" said the Confounded Mugger. "How... how did--"
"Oh, you mean my coat?" said the Confident Party Crasher. "It *was*
over there. I got it while you weren't looking." He continued to smirk.
"This isn't my first day on the job."
"...awww, I'm dead aren't I?"
I hope he explodes!
"Well," replied the Analytical Party Crasher, "I'll need the
information you have so that I can track down whoever built you, and
then I'll need to turn you over to the robot police, and I don't really
know what's going to happen after that."
C'mooooooon, dismantling! I wanna see robot guts!
"Now then, let's--" The... Cat... Person? Party Crasher was about to
"OOOOOH, GREAT ONE! HEED MY WORDS, FOR I SHALL DISTRIBUTE INFORMATION
"Enough with the spectacle, Vivian, just tell me what I need to know,"
said Party Cat Man, apparently knowing this loud voice.
"You nev-- pfffff, hahahaha, okay, I couldn't even think it with a
straight face. But seriously, I'm sensing something strange going on
around you," Vivian said.
"Well you do know how this coat works slash are the spirit of the coat
slash are one of the faeries that blessed it. ...seriously, make up
your mind about what made my coat and my powers work!" went the
increasingly annoyed-- (Y'know, I don't want to call him a party
crasher anymore. I'll just call him cat man!) --as he got louder about
"I can only get stuff on the coat. The Great Catastrophe's powers are
stuff I only kind of know about."
"It was 'kind of' enough for me. Anyway, why should I be conser--"
HOLY CRAP CAT MAN IS GONE!
"David? David, are you there!? Did the Psionic slash Magic slash
Nanomachines-powered call drop again? I hate it when that happens! If
you can hear me, I'll try again in 5 minutes, 'k? Byeeeeeeee!"
And his name was David. Huh.
"...Is he gone? Am I free to go about my robot mugging ways?" And then
an anvil with the word "NO" painted on it fell on him.
Writer's Note: Hey guys, it's me, James Mason again! You may be
wondering why this took so long? [Editor: No we're not! LNH20 hadn't
started yet!] Well, you see... I have no excuse, I was lazy and didn't
write it. Well, okay, I *did* write it, but I couldn't think of a way
to write it in a new style, so I started to write it in the style of
Chronicles, but then Andrew came in and helped me write it in this new
style, so that's why I'm crediting him as co-writer. That still doesn't
really excuse that much of why it took so long, did it? I thought not.
Co-Writer's Note: Yep, I got him wrangled onto the bandwagon. And in
case you were wondering, The Chronicles of Mike Kittyman isn't going to
Writer's Note to Co-Writer: What? That's all you are going to write?
Not even going to hint at anything that's going to happen in this
thing? Gah! You people! I'm surrounded by incompetence!
Co-Writer's Note's Note: Well, you're the one with all the long-term
plans! I didn't want to spoil people, except to say that this'll
eventually link up with the present day of the LNH20 imprint!
Writer's Note: Re: Co-Writer's Note's Note: There, ya see? Something
like that! Is that so hard?
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