LNH: LNH Comics Presents #507: Introducing -- THE LNH!
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sat Aug 13 18:29:54 PDT 2011
When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
Internet -- THEY answered the call! Today, THEIR strange
and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror! THEY are
our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!
[Cover: A superhero with blonde hair takes off his white labcoat and
purple tie to reveal a red and blue costume with the letters 'LNH'
printed boldly in black on his chest. On the left side of him is a
circle panel with some guy with goggles staring at the hero's knee. In
the center is text that says, "THE LEGION IS BACK!"]
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE: The LNH saved the Loonited States from a large
group of zombie Presidents controlled by a Lich Nixon. And now...
**** **** ****
The Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters --
Net.ropolis, USA --
August 13, 2011 --
Kyoko Ishikawa as she manned the LNH receptionist desk put some
finishing touches to her toothpick sculpture of Hannibal Hamlin. She
looked at the face of Lincoln's first Vice President as she held it in
her hand. She had been making these toothpick Vice President sculptures
ever since that whole Dead President's debacle and she wasn't sure why.
She just had this urge to do it and keep on doing it till she had
sculpted every single former US Vice President that had ever existed.
She put the sculpture aside as she noticed some tall blonde guy enter
the LNH's lobby.
He was wearing a labcoat and purple tie and he was ripping them all off.
Oh hell, Master Blaster hadn't hired another male stripper, had he?
Fortunately the guy stopped there. Under the labcoat was your typical
red superhero costume with a blue cape and blue boots.
"Um, hello? Can I help you with something?" said Kyoko, "Are you here
to join? Attack?"
The superhero smiled. "I'm here to join this fine organization."
"I'm -- THE LNH!"
"The -- umm LNH?"
"Yes! THE LNH!!"
"And does that stand for something?"
"Of course! It stands for..." And then the superhero gave a long
And finally looking towards the heavens (or in this case the ceiling) he
said, "LEAPING NACHO HURTER!!!!!!!!!!"
"Right," said Kyoko scribbling down something on a piece of paper.
**** **** ****
LEGION OF NET.HEROES COMICS PRESENTS #507:
"Introducing -- THE LNH!"
By Arthur Spitzer
**** **** ****
The LNH TV and Easy Chair Room --
As the Ultimate Ninja walked into the room, he could see that it was
already filled with the usual suspects. Time Waster Lad, Super Apathy
Lad, Procrastination Boy, Coward Lad, and various others. Everyone in
the room seemed to be eating nachos. Some day -- some day -- I will
burn this place to the ground, thought Ultimate Ninja.
The Ultimate Ninja took out the folder he was holding and opened it up.
"*Ahem*. I need to speak with -- *ahem* The Leaping Nacho Hurter. Is
The Leaping Nacho Hurter raised his hand. "Yep. That's me."
"And you want to join the LNH. Your powers are?"
"I hurt nachos. And I'm the best at what I do. Hurting nachos that is."
"This is a prank, right?" said Ultimate Ninja closing the folder up
again. "Master Blaster or Sarcastic Lad or Frat Boy -- they put you up
to this right? Just tell me who it was -- and I won't hurt you. I
Leaping Nacho Hurter shook his head. "This is real. This is as real as
it gets. Perhaps I should tell you my origin story."
"When I was a kid, my parents were circus performers -- tightrope
walkers. Anyways, they refused to pay protection money to this mob and
so one day when they were performing the act some gangster type cut the
"And they fell to ground and died, right?"
"Not quite. Actually they fell into a giant vat of hot nacho cheese
sauce and were boiled to death. Anyways after that some group of monks
kidnapped and raised me. They taught me the ways of the nacho -- and
how to hurt nachos."
"And why in the world did they do that?"
"Someday the most dangerous Nacho of all shall come. A nacho called
Nacho the Leaping Nacho. It is a destroyer of worlds that no one can
stop unless they've been trained in the art of nacho hurting -- like me.
That's why you need me as a member of the LNH. I'm the only one who
can possibly stop Nacho the Leaping Nacho."
"If what you're saying is true -- then why can't I just seek out these
monks and learn from them the art of *ahem* nacho hurting?"
"If only that were true. Alas, all the monks are dead."
"It was a bad bowl of nachos. A very bad bowl of nachos. Regardless, I
am the last of the Nacho Hurting Brotherhood. Only I know the hurting
"So you say. And what other skills do you have?"
"Skills? I hurt nachos. That's about it."
"And how do you expect to fight supervillains with only the ability to
-- hurt nachos?"
"Well, I wasn't really planning on fighting non-nacho supervillains. I
see myself as more of a hero that hangs around the LNH waiting for the
next Nacho crisis to arrive. And nipping it in the bud."
"And the rest of the time you'd be doing what exactly? Watching TV and
Leaping Nacho Hurter stuffed another chip into his mouth. "Actually
this is Nachocise."
"Yes. Nachocise. It's a vigorous technique for building and
strengthening both the body and the mind. I must do a number of
nachocises a day to maintain peak body performance."
"Yeah," laughed Time Waster Lad stuffing some chips in his mouth.
"That's what I'm doing too. Nachocise!"
"Yeah," said a smirking Procrastination Boy. "We're all nachocising!
Look at my muscles grow!"
"I'd be nachocising too, except that I'm afraid of nachos," said a
cringing Coward Lad.
"That's it!" said Ultimate Ninja. "Everyone who isn't named Leaping
Nacho Hurter -- out. Unless you want to find out what the After Life
looks like in 15 seconds -- then please stay. Everyone! Even you --
guy with the goggles!!"
"Thanks a lot -- Leaping Nacho Hurter!" grumbled Goggles Guy as he
wheeled out Super Apathy Lad.
"And as for you -- Leaping Nacho Hurter..."
"You can call me The LNH for short if you want."
"No. That's not going to happen. And watching TV and eating nachos
isn't going to cut it when you're in the..."
"Nachocise," corrected Leaping Nacho Hurter.
The Ultimate Ninja held the edge of his Ginsu Katana blade close to
Leaping Nacho Hurter's chin. "Believe me. You don't want to say that
"Okay. But if you don't make me an LNH'r it could have very bad
consequences for the world."
"Is that some kind of threat?"
"No. Just a fact. If I don't have some type of a job, I won't be able
to afford nachos. And without nachos I won't be able to do my umm nacho
exercises. So I won't be in peak physical shape to stop Nacho the
Leaping Nacho when it comes. Are you prepared to risk the entire world?
I mean it's not like you don't have a bunch of other LNH'rs that hang
around doing nothing useful. Like Coward Lad."
"Coward Lad is a special case. He saved my life once." The Ultimate
Ninja hesitated as if remembering some adventure of his that no one had
bothered to write a story for. "There for as much as I might like to
get rid of him, I am unfortunately responsible for his life -- by the
Ancient Code of the Ninja. I have no such responsibility for you."
"So you're not going to let me in?"
"No, I didn't say that. But if you do want join -- you're going to have
to last one minute with me in the Peril Room."
Leaping Nacho Hurter gulped. "Can't I fight someone else? How about
"No!!!!" screamed Coward Lad who had been hiding near the door.
"Please!! Please, don't make me fight Leaping Nacho Hurter!!! For the
love of God!!!!!!"
The Ultimate Ninja gazed at Coward Lad. "Out. And as for you," his
eyes turned towards Leaping Nacho Hurter again, "It's me or nothing.
What's it going to be?"
"This Peril Room? It's safe?"
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Nothing that happens in the Peril Room is
real. If you die in the Peril Room your body is safely teleported to
the Peril Room Control Room. Nothing bad can possibly happen."
"Okay then. I guess I'll give it go," said Leaping Nacho Hurter.
**** **** ****
The Peril Room Control Room --
wReamhack looked at the monitor. Both Ultimate Ninja and Leaping Nacho
Hurter were ready to spar. wReamhack checked over all the vitals.
Everything looked okay -- wait. What was this? There was something
wrong with the safeties. wReamhack turned on the comm.thingee. "Hey,
UN! Better stop the fight. Something is screwy with the Peril Room
safeties. UN?" Was there something wrong with the comm.thingee too?
This wasn't good. He'd have to go down to the Peril Room and stop it
wReamhack hopped out of his chair and began to run. Hopefully, he'd
make it in time.
**** **** ****
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner checked Leaping Nacho Hurter's pulse. "He's
dead, Jim. Hah. Always wanted to say that."
"How did this happen?" said the Ultimate Ninja.
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner took a puff from his cigarette. "I imagine it
was the part where you ripped his still beating heart out of his chest.
That usually kills people. Then again maybe he had high cholesterol.
I guess we'll never truly know."
"Not that. How did the Peril Room safeties fail?"
"We're not sure. We'll have to run a whole diagnostic on it to find
out," said wReamhack.
"Then get to it. *Sigh* just what I need. Another murder trial. I
guess I'll need to consult with the LNH's legal team."
"You want to consult with the Leaping Nacho Hurter's legal team?" asked
a puzzled wReamhack.
"Our legal team!"
"Oh, that makes more sense," nodded wReamhack. "What about Nacho the
"What about it?"
"How are we going to stop it now that the LNH is dead?"
"First -- don't call him that. We're the LNH! Second -- it was
probably just a con job. This whole thing smells of con job. And if it
does exist? Then we'll deal with it. Because we're the LNH. We -- not
him. Got that?"
**** **** ****
25,000 Light Years from the Loonivearth --
A section of space controlled by the Dvorakian Empire --
Planet Dealey in the Wilyem System --
The Dvorakian named Shumplox landed down on the surface. The ground was
littered with dead bodies. Dead Dvorakian bodies. Had everyone died?
What had killed all of these people? And these weren't ordinary
Dvorakians. These were Dvorakians infected with the Glory virus. A
virus that gave Dvorakians superhuman abilities. It would also kill
them in a week. But before that week they would have the ability to
punch planets into oblivion with just their pinkies and snuff out stars
with just their breath. For a week they were Gods.
It wasn't the virus that killed these Dvorakians though. Something else
had done that. What could do that? There had to be an answer.
He heard a sound. One of them was still alive. He flew over to where
the sound was coming from. He looked at his fellow Dvorakian. "We need
to get you some medical help. What happened here?"
The Dvorakian shook his head. "There's nothing you can do for me.
You've got to get out of here. It's still here."
"What? What's still here?"
"It killed us all -- like we were nothing. It killed a thousand fully
powered Dvorakians and absorbed our powers. You can't stop it. You
just can't stop it."
"What? What is it?"
The dying Dvorakian pointed to one of the mounds of dead bodies.
"There. It's still there."
Shumplox used his super seeing abilites. There was something hopping on
the corpses. It looked like a chip. A nacho chip. And it was oozing
something. It was oozing nacho cheese sauce. And oozing Dvorakian blood.
"What the hell is that thing?"
"It is death and destruction incarnate. But you can call it -- Nacho.
Nacho the Leaping Nacho."
"We need to get more troops. Then maybe we can..."
"No! Don't you understand? There's nothing the Empire can do to stop
this thing. No. There's only one thing that can stop Nacho the Leaping
Nacho. You need to find -- The LNH."
"The LNH? You don't mean...?"
"Yes -- The Leaping Nacho Hurter! Now go! Find him! I'll give you
sometime. Help me -- help me up!"
Shumplox helped the wounded Dvorakian up.
"Now go. Quickly! It's coming!!"
Shumplox quickly flew into the air. And then he turned his head down.
He could see the wounded Dvorakian make a last stand against it.
Against Nacho the Leaping Nacho. He turned his head back up and heard a
Don't look back. Don't look back!
He kept flying and flying as fast as he could.
And didn't look back.
**** **** ****
Kyoko Ishikawa -- Ken Schmidt
Ultimate Ninja & wReamhack -- wReam
Time Waster Lad -- Ray Rich
Super Apathy Lad -- Jacob Lesgold
Procrastination Boy -- unknown
Coward Lad -- Tom Russell
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner -- The Tick
Leaping Nacho Hurter & Goggles Guy -- Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre
Dvorakians -- Drizzt
Intro -- Rob Rogers
Writer's Notes: Hah. Ah, well. This story was inspired by Wil's LNH
Comics Presents cover that he made.
I wondered what LNH hero would have an LNH insignia on his chest and so
that's how Leaping Nacho Hurter came to be. And Goggles Guy because of
Both Leaping Nacho Hurter and Nacho the Leaping Nacho are Free For Use
Characters. Yeah, I know Leaping Nacho Hurter appears to be dead -- but
you can bring him back to life if you want or something even cleverer.
Goggles Guy is also free for use.
I don't have any plans to do anymore with these characters so feel free
to use them if you want.
Should have been writing Beige Midnight #9 instead of this.
Arthur "Nachocise!" Spitzer
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