RACCies: 2010 (17th Annual) RACCies Ceremony
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Apr 30 08:17:22 PDT 2011
"Coming to you live from just outside the Beyond Continuity Auditorium!
I'm Patricia Wolfensdorfer, professional media parody, and this is the
night of the RACCies!"
Blazing spotlights shone into the sky! Cameras flashed, and the red
carpet was rolled out!
"The stars are out tonight! An entire galaxy of the brave men, women,
hermaphrodites, energy beings and intelligent animals of a hundred
"Speak of the devil! Look, it's Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch, RACC's most eligible bachelor! When asked how the canine dating
scene was, he admitted he was having a *ruff* time! Ha, ha! And over
here, there seems to be some kind of... duck? Excuse me, I-- hey! Let
go of-- oof!"
There was a scuffle, and the camera panned downwards, to where a
cartoonish demonic cyborg duck was holding the mike. "That's better.
Psychovant the Duck comin' atcha, schlubs and schlubettes! Yeah, don't
even try to say you didn't want that to &^@%in' happen."
"So look at these dorks, right? Over here, we got Lattay and Speed
Metal arm-in-arm. Think she's been keepin' him up all night?
Anal-&^@% Archive Kid and Twitter seem to be cozyin' up too. Sure hope
they use protection - so he doesn't get too mother&^@%in' chafed!"
"Then there's the attention-grubbing &^@%ers who've come begging,
tryin' to use this as a desperate bid to stay in the spotlight. Yo,
Tyrannus Auron! Enjoyin' your fifteen minutes? Hey, Kensington Hesh!
Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"
"Hey, hey! Walkin' down the aisle, it's the belle of the &^@%in' ball,
Spellbinder! Her head's so swollen they can see it from Mount Olympus!
And bringin' up the rear is Victor Montague. Screw that guy, &^@%in'
narc busted up some perfectly good parties!"
"But seriously, folks. This shindig's got everything. Too much food,
too much glitter, too much pompous hot air, and some kind of
mother&^@%in' whistling noise--"
SQUISH! The camera tilted crazily sideways as a huge, four-armed,
green-skinned, goatee-sporting monstrosity clad in a lemon yellow and
powder blue tuxedo three sizes too small landed on Psychovant, leaving
a duck-shaped crater.
"And now..." The being known as Pointless Awards Man II grinned at the
cracked lens. "Time for my revenge." With a leap, he was gone.
Backstage at the show, in the main set of dressing rooms! With a crack
of power unleashed, the fire door exploded off its hinges. "I HAVE
"Oh, Pointless Awards Man II! Thank Kirby you're here!" Pointless
Awards Man IV took off his suit jacket. "Listen, can you do the awards
this year?" He went into a complicated manga-style transformation
sequence, violet armor appearing on his body. "Just Imagine JUST KEEPS
GOING, and I'm afraid I don't have the time."
Pointless Awards Man II froze for a moment, flabbergasted. "W-- I--
Manga Man Violet hung his purple tuxedo in the dressing room closet.
"Thanks, Jamie, you're a true friend! See you at the afterparty!" The
door clicked, and he was gone.
All was silent.
"...but... my revenge..."
The curtains opened, and standing midstage was a perfectly professional
Pointless Awards Man II, not showing any sign of, say, disappointment
or thundering mindless rage. With a gleaming smile, he projected to
the back rows. "Welcome to..."
o o o o o o o
o o o The 2010 o o o
o o o o o (17th Annual) o o o o o
o o o RACCie AWARDS o o o
o o o o o o o
"...the best amateur comic-book-based fiction awards show on the
Internet, now that we've gotten rid of The Metamutant Academy's
Platinum Professorships. For those sad unfortunates who've never seen
a display of four-armed finesse, I'm Pointless Awards Man II, handily
taking the reins this year." He bowed, and the audience applauded -
hey, why not?
PAM II turned and pointed to the wings. "For our first set of awards,
straight from Olympus, he's the Lord of Contests and a real stand-up
guy, Hermes the Thrice-Great!" More applause, along with some booing
from the ASH and New Starfall tables.
Hermes swaggered onto stage and grabbed the microphone. "Hey, folks.
The other day, I was endowing a blessing of speed on some poor schlub
trying to catch a bus, and I heard someone yell out to him, 'Run,
Forrest! Run!' And I was like, what? That wasn't clever in 1994, what
makes you think seventeen years has improved it any? Am I right?"
"Not that kind of stand-up."
"And for that matter, is there anything sadder than someone making fun
of Alanis Morissette in the year 2011? Yeah, yeah, that may not be what
irony means, but I'll tell you what's the very *definition* of irony--"
"You-- you can stop now. Really."
"Fine, fine, you mortals, so impatient..." Hermes cleared his throat.
"This year's Discretionary Awards are..."
"The GOLDEN LASSO, awarded to Ted Brock and Andrew Perron for roping in
more writers to RACC!" The Fates stepped out on stage, bowing as one.
Clotho brought out the Golden Fleece, Lachesis spun it into a rope, and
Atropos tossed it out into the audience, pulling it back in with Maddy
Seuss and The Arch Mage in tow.
"The 'SUPERHEROES ARE A GENRE, NOT A MEDIUM' FORMATTING UPGRADE,
awarded to Jamas Enright for creating non-text stories in the
xtranormal audio-visual format!" A forklift drove onto the stage,
dumping reams of paper with the word "broccoli" printed on them over
and over. In a flash of green-yellow, they transformed into a
computer-animated mound of brassica.
"And finally, the ANTI-MATTER VERSION OF THE JOHNNY SOKKO LOVING CUP,
awarded to Ted Brock for coming back!" With a 1960s-network-TV-style
special effect, a trophy appeared, floating in the air with its colors
inverted. The New Starfall and Old Starfall tables argued about who
should have to go get it until an inverted-color Twaeila Brock marched
up and grabbed it.
Hermes dusted off his hands. "Now, the *reason* they don't make the
whole plane out of the black box is that it would be too heavy to take
off--" A striped vaudeville hook stretched onto stage and yoinked the
Pointless Awards Man II came out, whistling innocently. "And now, from
Olympus to Olympics. To present RACC's Named Awards, we bring you
eleven-time gold medal winner, hero of the Warsaw Pact, and frustrater
of both press and handlers the world over, Fraulein Heidi Schenck!"
Fraulein Schenck flipped onto stage in '70s spandex bodysuit (and
matching body). "Greetings, greetings, one and all. It would certainly
be good if I told you it was enjoyable for me to be here, on stage,
speaking to you all, wouldn't it? That would make everyone happy."
As confused muttering rose from the audience, she continued. "The first
award I'm here to present to you is known as THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE
LULU WEB PAGE AWARD, for our favorite RACC-related web page. The
"Wil's Ego!" (Easily-Discovered Bran Mite fills out his pull list, only
to be squished by an incoming box of promotional Corps of Discovery
"Eagle's Eyrie!" (The clanking steam-powered mass of machinery known as
the Moderation Queue)
"And the LNH Wiki!" (Tiny construction workers lifting up and
installing the powers and costumes of the Alt.Ter.Net.Tives)
"The gold goes to... Wil's Ego!"
A mechanical moan rose up, and a figure of rotted parchment and
gleaming metal shambled forward. The Mummy Machine from Planet M
accepted the award with a flowery yet monotone speech.
"It'd be bad for my image if I said anything negative about someone of
such stature. Speaking of which, our next award is THE IMAGE
TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED), for that author whose
works are most consistently late! The nominees are..."
"Arthur Spitzer..." (The Beige Midnight clock, stopped at a quarter to
"And Ted 'Phantasm' Brock!" (Fenuku the kobold does the same action 20
times in a row)
"The winner, by a single vote, is... Arthur!"
Members of the LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-
Neverending-Events Liberation Front storm the stage, only for Saxon-
Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over Lad to charge through
them like tenpins and grab the award.
Fraulein Schenck nodded approvingly. "I would judge it an 8.7. Next up
is the cismatter... well, according to this, that's a word, but I'll
say the normal-matter version of THE JOHNNY SOKKO "COME BACK, GIANT
ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP, for the RACC Writer that is most sorely
missed! The finalists are..."
"Matt 'Badger' Rossi!" (Bazrael hacking and slashing a '1,567,243rd
Customer Gets a Free Car' ad)
"Jessica 'Jaelle' Ihimaera-Smiler!" (Serendipity Jones narrowly dodging
"And Everyone Who Didn't Post In 2010!" (A montage of classic scenes,
from Scavenger to Tony Pi to Chris Gumprich to Jennifer Whitson to Chad
Imbrogino to Jamie Rosen to Lady of Shadows to Greg Fishbone to Carolyn
Vaughan to Ben Rawluk - and many, many more!)
"The ones invited back are... Everyone Who Didn't Post In 2010!"
A vworp-vworp-vworp echoed through the theater, and a Victorian
steampunk time machine appeared. The winner for Best New Writer 2015
stepped out to accept, bowing and throwing up the victory sign.
"Is blatant snark really what you want to symbolize?" Frau Schenck
shrugged. "Not very helpful. Now we have THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP,
awarded to the most prolific writer in this or any amateur fiction
forum. I wouldn't be lying if I said the nominees included..."
"Saxon Brenton!" (Mishibizhiw terrorizes the Mary Celeste, but
Susano-o-Mikoto takes him down in a pyrotechnic godbattle)
"Dave Van Domelen!" (Bacteriomage whips up a dust bowl special, but
prairie zombies teach him sensible soil management by force)
"Scott Eiler!" (Dunevoy Industries harvest chocolate, but The Trillions
do not share their secret cocoa recipe)
"And Andrew Perron!" (Sophronios of Sparta battles to conquer Crete,
but Matthaios Hekatontarch brings the vaguely Greek-themed justice)
"The worst collectivist is... Scott!"
A television set is wheeled on-stage. Members of The Trillions come
on-screen to explain their gratitude and invite all to join them in
recreating the works of the Bard through randomized manual typewriter
"Do what you love, that's what they say. But who would say to avoid
what you love? Here, then, is a new award; one for those who love
facts in fiction. It is THE DOCTOR STOMPER BRONZE BOOT FOR EXCELLENCE
IN EXPOSITION, for the best informational piece, in-character or out.
The finalists are..."
"The rec.arts.comics.creative Frequently Asked Questions!" (Eagle's
Claw holds up a pair of carved stone tablets in a thunderstorm)
"Mars and the Dark Age of Superheroes!" (Grim 'n gritty goons with guns
fight in an endless loop as Ares cackles madly)
"And the StarFall Setting Info!" (An 11-dimensional reality quake
brings the cast of the Snorks to the real world)
"The winner is... Mars and the Dark Age!"
Ares comes out, the Imperial March playing in the background. He grabs
the trophy and gives a shout of triumph, and turns to leave... only to
slip on a copy of Silver Age #1. Hermes contrives to look innocent.
"Gentlemen, ladies," said Fraulein Schenck. "I hope to have illuminated
these winners for your sake and my own. Have a good yesterday, today,
and tomorrow." She bowed and left gracefully.
Pointless Awards Man II applauded the departing presenter with his
lower arms while holding up the microphone and waving with the uppers.
"Remember, folks, donations to the Heidi Schenck Memorial Fund for
Classy Answers to Stupid Questions can be made in the lobby. Our next
presenter is a devilish doppleganger with a dippy demeanor. Please
welcome LNHY's own prince of peril, Kid Enthusiastic-Y!"
A ten-year-old boy bounced onto stage. He yoinked the mike away from
PAM II and lead the audience in a rousing cheer! "Thank you! It's
incredibly splendiferously terrifically awesome to be here tonight!
Let's destroy the world with our supremacy! Metaphorically!"
As slightly confused laughter arose from the crowd and Kid Kicked-Out
put his face in his hands, Kid E-Y pulled a pack of envelopes out of
the breast pocket of his jumpsuit. "Okay! The first award I'm
presenting tonight is RACC19, FAVORITE NEW TITLE! These are the
"Team Xero!" (Team Xero face the awesome menace of Holodeck Moriarity!)
"Spellbinder!" (The Queen of Loud Sorrows declares a cosplay contest!
The Lord of the Hunt wins dressed as Kraven the Hunter!)
"Corps of Discovery!" (The ex-Gauntlet sells robot insurance to
"My Father's Son!" (Pantomimes of Peril! It's the Crime Mime vs. the
"And One Day at a Time!" (Steve Henkelbert casts Zombify and
"The winner is... Spellbinder! Yaaaaaaaay!"
The Mystic Defender of the Earth Dimension herself stepped out, to
applause from every table in the room. "Thanks, everyone! I can't
believe we won something on our first time out! Here's to RACC!" She
tossed a vibrating ball of energy into the air, which exploded into the
words "THANK YOU" in firework sparkles.
"What a nice lady!" beamed Kid Enthusiastic-Y. "I hope I have to fight
*her* someday! Our next award is RACC18, FAVORITE NEW WRITER! These
are the nominees!"
"Robin Strickland!" (Zeus, locked in a literally Titanic battle,
presses X to not die!)
"And James Mason!" (The mysterious voice gets a job opposite Casey
Kasem as the voice of smooth jazz!)
"The winner is... Robin! Woooooooo!"
Spellbinder, having gotten halfway back to her table, turned around and
hurried back to the stage. "Wow! This is amazing! Two awards!
Thanks, everybody! ...uh, I don't have another sparkleball ready." She
scratched the back of her head, putting on a dopey grin, and the
Kid E-Y cracked up, falling on his rear with laughter! "You're great!"
He bounced back up. "You should join up with the System Corrupters -
we'd be unstoppable!"
"Er... no offense, but I didn't give up being a patsy for uncaring
deities just so I could start making mass destruction on my own time."
"Aw, c'mon! Give in to the dark side, it's awesome! Search your
feelings, you know it to be true!"
"...yeah, I'll get right on that." She left, stage right.
He waved and turned back to the audience. "Next up, we've got RACC17,
MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR! We've got three nominees for this one!"
"Ted Brock!" (Hiawatha Station drives off the hordes of the Myriad
"Jamas Enright!" (U.N.I.C.O.R.N. brings in an audit on the backroom
deals of M.A.N.T.I.C.O.R.E.!)
"And Tim Munn!" (The dark dreams of Doctor Peru are filled with a
hallucinatory Easter Bunny!)
"The winner is... Tim! Yippeeeeeeee!"
Boring Man wanders onstage, seeking to take the trophy, but gung-ho
zombies trample him, grabbing it and making haste.
"But wait, that's not all!" Kid Enthusiastic-Y pointed at the skylight.
"The academy has named a special Discretionary Lifetime Achievement
Award, given to Tom Russell for being the Most Improved Author of the
The skylight opened up, and a marble statue was carefully lowered down,
depicting Saga, Norse goddess of storytelling, holding up a giant
crystal snowglobe. Within were the carefully-detailed figures of Manga
Girl, Teenfactor, Pearly White, Lunchbox Lass, Tyler Bridge, Gregory
Dingham, both Doctor Metronomes, both Green Knights, Wikiboy, Haiku
Gorilla, Jason Righteous, Tuck, Gem, Peter Ascot, and Dr. Fay Tarif,
ascending an endless, Escherian staircase.
Kid E-Y applauded wildly as Sarah, George, and a very angry man
trundled it away. "Though I'd say he was already good by the time ten
years ago rolled around! Anyway, the last diabolical torment I'll be
inflicting on you fine people is RACC16, FAVORITE RUNNING GAG! These
"Mr. Paprika/'That's a Man's Pop!'" (Somewhere in Omaha, thunder
"Serving minors in the RACCCafe!" (A steam-powered machine stamps fake
moustaches out of felt!)
"And 'What would Gamer Boy think!?'" (Swiss Miss tending a herd of
"The winner is... serving minors in the RACCCafe! Hallelujaaaaaaaah!"
Out from the audience bounced... Kid Enthusiastic! He was followed
shortly thereafter by Tippy O' Tipp, the writer's-block-battling
RACCCafe bartender. Kid Enthusiastic-Y waved wildly!
"Hi there, James!"
"Hi there, James!"
The Kids Enthusiastic gabbled excitedly about everything and nothing,
while Tippy dragged a meatgrinder, a chopping block, and a great
wood-fired stove onto stage. He pulled out a bloodstained apron and
tied it on, then began sharpening a giant hatchet.
Eventually, the Kids took notice. "What'cha doin'!?" they asked in
"Well," said Tippy, testing the blade with a fingertip, "I figure if
ye're gunna serve minors, ye should really *serve* minors. ...say,
have ye evur seen Sweeney Todd?"
The Kids shireked and ran off, limbs flailing, as Tippy chased after,
hatchet in the air. The curtains closed. Pointless Awards Man II
stepped out with a 'Technical Difficulties - Please Stand By' sign and
stood it on stage. "And don't forget, you can pick up a ticket for a
free froppuchino in the lobby."
"And now, it's time to take a moment out of our night to reflect on
those who have passed away in 2010. In remembrance of those gone..."
A backdrop patterned after Uncanny X-Men #141 was lowered into place,
and clips played on the big screen:
All of the sudden the world went white. I was knocked to the
ground. I could hear an explosion. There was nothing else I could do
except watch the plane explode.
My jaw sat open as I tried to sit up. "Suzie," I whispered.
"Suzie," I repeated louder. Then I just yelled, "SUZIE!!!!"
"Nerrine's inside," says Petara. "She arrived just a few minutes
ago." Petara casts her eyes to the ground; Ress notes the puddle of
blood at their feet, and the dripping trail leading to it from the east.
"Garaka?" says Jarissy.
Now it's Petara's turn to shake her head. "Nerrine. Just
As the man's head came into view, Jade took careful aim, as her
finger gently squeezed the trigger.
On the street below, the man's head suddenly exploded, with brain
and skull fragments splattering the officers and police cruiser.
By the time Fish goes to trial, Martin Rock is no longer the Green
Knight. The justice system is always deliberate, even if it is not
What can be said of that trial? What can be said of his life?
Only the slow, sad truth: that the trial was long, and the evidence
overwhelming; that the sentence was life, and he found himself in
prison; that he died, at age thirty-three, seemingly of natural causes.
"I wonder what's waiting for me," Louie said aloud as he engaged
the probability capacitor ejectors at full power. Of *course* they
could work properly without the PCs. And with nothing in the chambers,
and the safety dampers switched off, the magnetic mass drivers would
turn roughly seventy percent of Louie's torso into a sort of claymore
mine, spraying his body in a cone away from Janie and into the falling
wall, turning it to red brick dust.
And Louie's body into metallic gray dust.
Suzaku no Senshi's armor was intact, but of the man within there
was no trace. Steamingman was left unharmed but naked on the snow, and
the pieces of his suit were later found in a perfect circle around him -
a hundred miles in every direction. Sakura no Itako disappeared, and
in her place formed a cherry tree - one which was completely impervious
to cold temperatures, and which, as far as I know, still stands. Three
of the Chinese defenders died in various gruesome ways, two went
irretrievably insane, and one spontaneously reappeared thirty years
The original Caballero coughed bloodily. "I am afraid my gift is
not that strong. Perhaps you...can carry on...for me...."
And with that, he died.
Execute. Not murder. Because murder is what happens to people who
At only thirteen years old, Isabel simply never woke up one
morning, mere days after the youngest children had been weaned.
Then it was all white.
White was originally the national auto racing color of Japan until
international racing colors were abandoned due to sponsorship, thought
Obscure Trivia Lad.
"Actually, Obscure Trivia Lad is back," piped up a voice from the LNH
table (the one reserved for characters who had appeared in the Cosmic
Plot Device Caper). "And believes that story was posted in 2009."
"Yeah, but I really liked that one!"
Everyone shuffled around to look at Kid Review. He shrank down in his
chair. "...well, I did..."
Pointless Awards Man II coughed. "Yes, well. Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting our next set of awards is a stunning, statuesque lady,
secretly immortal, obviously impressive! Put your hands together for
An elegant lady with a Grecian profile and a hauntingly pale complexion
stepped out on stage, to the applause of all. She waved to all and
sundry, giving a mysterious, bewitching half-smirk. "It's been
millennia since my creation; in that time, I have seen wonders and
miracles beyond imagining. Nothing should impress me, and yet..." The
smile stuck to her lips.
"The first piece I have in my gallery is RACC15, BEST DISCUSSION. This
year, the finalists were..."
"'Comic Book Tropes You Loathe'..." (An evil government conspiracy
clones Building Suspense Lad, kills the clone, then reveals it was all
an illusion, causing everyone to angst in decompressed form)
"'Irony Man's Fate!'..." (Four replacement Irony Men come up to claim
the role, including the confusing and redundant Steel Irony Man)
"And 'Raccowrimo'!" (The Burnout Killer cackles at the foolish writers
who dare his challenge, only to be overcome by the combined might of
Catman, Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, and Summer Morgan.)
"This year, the winner is... Comic Book Tropes You Loathe!"
"Hah!" Dan Tracey jumped out from the wings. "I was really a bad guy
this whole time! Now I'll activate a plan to destroy everyone with the
Magene, despite totally having it myself!"
"You know, Dave's not going to like this blatant out-of-characterness,"
noted Grammer Lad. "I mean, 'totally'?"
"Crap, you're right! What do I do?"
There was a ba-froosh! and a cloud of sulfuric smoke rose up, out of
which stepped Satan T. Lucifer Jones. "I'll fix everything if you fork
over your previously-unmentioned crush on Jason Teller!"
"Done and done!" There was a fwash! of light and the stage was clear.
Galatea sighed and brushed the clinging smoke out of her hair. "Shall
we move on from that, then? The next award to be given is RACC14,
FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC. The finalists, this time,
"Saxon Brenton..." (Retcon Lad eats ice cream and watches screwball
comedies with Fourth Wall Lass)
"Andrew Perron..." (Firewire reads comics over Library Lad's shoulder)
"And Rob Rogers!" (Easily-Discovered Man Lite, Frat Boy and Screen
Saver play on the Wii)
"The winner, this time, is... Saxon!"
Artemis, Redemption and So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-
A-Story Lad jumped out from backstage, dressed in camo fatigues. "We
are the Saxon Brenton Is Not That Great Of A Guy Liberation Front! We
demand--" They were cut off when the curtains swung dramatically open
and Senses Lass drove up in a forklift, grabbing them up ("Hey!"
"What!" "Whoa!"), snatching the award, and incidentally getting rid of
the Sweeney Todd set.
"Is that any way to treat a work of art?" Galatea shook her head. "Ah,
well. Time enough for karma in this world. And speaking of worlds,
our next accolade is RACC13, FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE. The finalists,
once more, are..."
"ASH..." (Robotic flowering trees shoot zombies and aliens)
"Eightfold..." (The path to Nirvana is walked by organizing subatomic
baryons and mesons into octets)
"And the Legion of Net.Heroes!" (Handball and hockey leagues work on
large, dimensionless numbers)
"And the winner, once more, is... The Legion of Net.Heroes!"
Irony Man flew in and triumphantly grabbed the award... only to take
off his helmet and reveal himself as Fearless Leader!
Galatea applauded langorously. "Undoing the illusion; a twist worthy of
Ovid. Finally, in the tradition of the great satirists, we unzip
RACC12, FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE. The nominees, in the end, are..."
"End of Month Reviews..." (Janus, the two-faced god of beginnings and
transitions, looks back to the Dark Age and forward to the next Modern
"And The Tribulations of Kid Review!" (The stars and the moon, a
slender thread of thought stretching two-way from this world to the
"The winner, in the end, is... a tie!"
Gasps rose from around the auditorium. Morningstar fainted. Master
Destiny fell to his knees and shouted, "THIS... CANNOT... BE!" He
exploded in a polychromatic kablooey.
Slowpoke rolled his eyes. "Yes, sarcasm, very good." Feedbacky the
Review Bunny hopped on his head, and they hopped up on stage, taking
the award and bowing as one.
"...hello?" Slowpoke and Feedbacky looked around, but the presenter
seemed to have mysteriously vanished, leaving only a single white rose.
Pointless Awards Man II ushered them out, tossed the rose into the
audience (where the thorns got caught in Warendja's costume) and took
up the mike.
"Remember, everyone, I didn't book the guests this time. Ahem. Next
up, a new face on the block! It's the knight of the night, the
nonpareil narcoleptic, the hug-happy hero of hurrying, Sir Greg!"
A shining streak shot onto stage, and there was a knight in shining
armor, who removed her helm to reveal golden locks. "Hi there
everybody! I came to host, because I thought it would be hella fun!
Also because they're paying me a bunch. So let's go!"
As Pointless Awards Man II facepalmed backstage, Sir Greg said, "Right!
RACC11, FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING! We've got..."
"Godling!" (Godling's clash with the chimaerical Devourer!)
"ASH!" (Meteor versus the Ice Queen!)
"Thunderclap!" (Mordecai tests wits against the machinations of Shaka
"Journey Into...!" (The Gray Gelding trounces the tamers of Auge von
"And Superhuman World!" (Sylvester Morrow looks through the archive
files on Death Dog!)
"The winner is... another tie! ASH and Journey Into get it!"
The White Hat rides onto stage, tipping his hat to the swooning ladies.
Mike Gulliver, spitting and sparking and smoking, floats down through
the skylight. They exchange a round of blanks, then the White Hat
tosses the trophy into Gulliver and they ride off into the sunset.
Sir Greg applauds with a metallic clang. "So why didn't they kiss at
the end? Anyway, hard on the flanks of that comes RACC10, FAVORITE
PARODY/COMEDY! These ones include..."
"Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer!" (Lady Lawful faces down the
Webspinner, the Gordian Knot, and the Veiled Reference)
"A Return to the RACCCafe!" (An eBay page selling discounted Chooters
"And Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2!" (The Titanium Swordsman licenses
the Saturday morning rights)
"The winner is... Return to the RACCCafe!"
Sig.Lad, Arvie the Wonderdog, Liefeld's Porpoise, the Bert and Ernie
Fresheners, Stacy Boomer and two Omega Cliche Police run up and
slam-dunk Tom Russell through the podium. They cheer, then their heads
Sir Greg blinkblinks... then scoots behind the curtains. "Um, I don't
wanna be rude, but if that's gonna happen to me I'm getting the fuck
Pointless Awards Man II pops his head out. "Nah, don't worry, it's a
"Oh! Whew." She uses the drapes to clean the bits of brain off her
armor, then steps back out. "So... that happened! Next up is RACC9,
FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER! This time, there's..."
"Spellbinder!" (Spellbinder cosplays as Doctor Strange, Zatanna,
Mandrake the Magician, and Tim Hunter)
"Fleet!" (Fleet comes upon a Rubik's Cube with 8x10^53 stickers on it
at the heart of the plural zone)
"And Nell the Waitress!" (With a resounding clang! Nell whacks a
humanoid turtle upside the head with a frying pan)
"And the winner is... Spellbinder!"
The hero of the night made her way to the podium, both befuddled and
blushing. "Three awards? This-- wow, are you sure?" She looked
offstage, and PAM II nodded. "Well, okay! This is ridiculous, but
thank you so much!"
Sir Greg cheers. "Yay, more kickass ladies! Well, I've got one more
envelope here, so let's do RACC8, FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER! Woo!
The top ones are..."
"Dr. Fay Tarif!" (Dr. Fay cackles amidst bubbling beakers of colorful
fluid and Jacob's Ladders)
"Alexander Bernadetteson!" (Alex delivers a punch IN YO' FACE!)
"And the Doom Koala of Speed!" (The Doom Koala eats, shoots and leaves)
"And the winner is... Alexander! ...hey, wait, that's me!" She grabs
the trophy, leaps in the air with a shout of joy... then falls into a
pile, asleep. "...blslubbubblesub..." Mike Kittyman and the Arch Mage
cart her off while the Mysterious Voice shouts at her.
As Squeaky Clean zips through on a street-sweeper, Pointless Awards Man
II examines the damage. "Have to admit, I missed this chaos. Sigh." He
shakes his head, then turns to the audience with a gleaming smile.
"Well, we're well on our way through our playlist of hits! Next up on
the disk is Brian MacBarnacle, the bugling cardinal!"
A bird puppet made of felt wearing a red-and-white coat and pointy hat
and carrying a bugle walked on stage. "Hello, every-- say, what's that
SMOOSH! A green-and-black blur landed atop Brian MacBarnacle,
squishing him flat as a pancake.
"Hah! Take *that*, Santa Claus!" said the figure stooped on his prone
form. She straightened, revealing herself as Goddamn-You-Xmas-Goddamn-
You-Straight-to-Hell Lass! "Now to destroy the RACCies, as revenge for
snubbing me in the nominations for Best New Character!"
"Hold!" said Pointless Awards Man II, summoning all his presenterly
might (which isn't much, but hey). "The one who lies before you is not
the true Santa - but join with me and present the awards, and I shall
give you access to the Secret Out-of-Continuity Character Files on the
Claus, including his one true weakness!"
GYXGYStH Lass narrowed her eyes. "And what do I have to ensure you'll
keep your side of the bargain?"
PAM II tossed an aluminum can to her, which she caught in one hand.
"The finest anti-wassail."
She grinned. "My favorite." She tucked it into her cloak. "All right,
then, let's play. ...er. ...what am I doing here, then?"
He gave her a set of envelopes and a stack of printouts. "They're in
numbered order, you just call 'em out and make comments as appropriate,
clips play on the big screen back there, then open the envelopes and
announce the winner."
"Seems a bit disorganized."
"Well, yeah, it's the RACCies! Good luck!"
Goddamn-You-Xmas-Goddamn-You-Straight-to-Hell Lass cleared her throat.
"Ahem. Ah, let's see, the first award is rack-- sorry, RACC7, FAVORITE
VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST. The finalists for this one are, let's see..."
"Bart the Dark Receptionist..." (Bart fills out his character sheet,
rolling 18s on his LNH Dice for every stat)
"The Multiversal Office..." (A capsule in a pneumatic tube zips through
Atlantis, Lemuria, and Mu before being deposited in an inbox)
"The LSDemon..." (Sitting around with the Legion of Net.Hippies and
"Aaaaand the Professor Longitudes. Professors Longitude? Oh,
whatever." (A family portrait, with the diabolical Professor Longitude
putting rabbit ears over the Silver Age Professor Longitude's head as
Doctor Longitude crosses his eyes and sticks his tongue out and the
counterpart Professor Longitude raises a mallet)
"The winner is..." She fiddled with the edge of the envelope before
just ripping it open. "...is... the Multiversal Office!"
A previously-unnoticed door just to the right of stage opened, and out
stepped an intensely bland person. He walked with a normal pace to the
stage and took the trophy. "I am the Human Resource," he said. "On
behalf of the Multiversal Office, thank you." He stepped to the side.
"Right," said GYXGYStH Lass. "That was easy enough. Next, we've got...
um... are you still here?"
He nodded. "I'm instructed to stay in place, in case assistance is
"Well, okay... just... step backstage or something."
"Certainly." He did so.
"...right. Okay, next, we've got RACC6, FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST.
This one has as its finalists..."
"Spellbinder..." (In the land of Faerie on a pogo stick)
"Kid Recap..." (Pointing to a chalkboard explaining how the NTB, LNH
and ASH appearances of the Multiversal Office relate)
"Mike Kittyman..." (Rolling around in a field of catnip)
"And Anal-Retentive Archive Kid." (Defeating Far.net.heit 451 with the
power of thorough research)
"The winner... is... tie! I mean, *a* tie. Between Anal-Retentive
Archive Kid and Spellbinder!"
The two surmounted the stage, ARAK confident, Spellbinder hesitant.
She picked up the trophy and said, "...um. Thanks, but are you really
sure about this? I mean, jeez, talk about the Oscar Curse, it's only
my second issue..."
ARAK shook his head. "Look, kid, don't sweat it. It's a good thing
people like you, right?"
"Yeah?" She perked up. "Okay! Well, um, again, thank you!"
They trotted off, and Goddamn-You-Xmas-Goddamn-You-Straight-to-Hell
Lass rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, good. Now, let's see, next one is...
RACC5, FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE. The finalists are..."
"Men's Courses Will Foreshadow..." (Tyrannus Auron bursting out of a
painting of Hex Luthor, Doctor Killfile, wReamicus Maximus, and DeFacto
V, with the caption, 'The All-New All-Different World Tyrant!')
"Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Vs Andrew Perron In The Return of the
RACCies #9, 'All You Need To Understand Is...'" (The Golden Age Manga
Man sipping tea and watching the cherry petals fall)
"And Spellbinder #1, 'Take This Job and Shove It'." (Chelsea beating
down Miles the leprechaun, now that she has the time)
"And the winner is... of course. Spellbinder #1."
Spellbinder froze, halfway back to her table after the last award. She
looked up at GYXGYStH Lass, who tapped her foot impatiently. She
cringed inwardly and made her way back to the podium, taking the trophy
along the way.
"Er..." She sighed. "Okay, this is getting ludicrous. I know this is
good, but there's such a thing as too much of a good thing! I'm going
to die, alone, face-down in a puddle of my own vomit because I wasn't
able to measure up to people's expectations! ...but thank you!"
"Enough outta you!" GYXGYStH Lass pushed her offstage, Spellbinder
barely missing the orchestra pit.
"Some people don't know when they've got it good... not like me, don't
even consider me for an award, lousy..." She rubbed the bridge of her
nose between thumb and forefinger. "Hokay, one more. It's RACC4,
FAVORITE ARC, and the nominees, since I have to list off every single
one this time, mutter, are..."
"The Tribulations of Kid Review #3 and #4: 'Cardoid Attacks!'" (The
robot of rock drops phat beats)
"Godling #15 to #19, 'Godling vs. Master Destiny'!" (The Spear of
Destiny is used to prop up a table)
"ASH #107 to #109, 'The Office'!" (Due to a paperwork mixup, Essay
falls into a five-graph trap)
"ASH #101 to #106, 'Rival Schools'!" (The Understudies of Crime are put
on double secret probation)
"Basically all of SW10, 'Twilight of the Superhuman World'!" (The
Vampire Pirates of Tuvalu sparkle)
"And Digital JUMP! #4 to probably #10, 'Warriors of Light'!" (Tragedy
of the Commons tears apart a copy of Atlas Shrugged in a fit of rage,
but leaves a donation to the public library it was in)
"The winner is... yet another tie! Cardoid Attacks and Twilight of the
Kid Review and Kristi the Animal Woman are carried up on stage on
Cardoid's shoulders, waving and cheering.
"Thank you!" called out Kristi. "Man, I didn't expect this!"
"Me either," chuckled Kid Review. "I mean, I was thinking it's an honor
just to be nominated--"
"THAT'S it!" GYXGYStH Lass jumped in and knocked Cardoid into the
orchestra pit with a maypole. The trio shouted and flailed,
percussionists leaping out of the way as a great brass crash resounded.
She grabbed the award. "I think this is fair restitution for the insult
of being overlooked."
"Just a moment there!" Pointless Awards Man II did a forward flip (on
obvious wires) onto stage. "You can't do this! We had a deal!"
"I have altered the deal! Pray I do not alter it any further!"
"Goddamn-You-Xmas-Goddamn-You-Straight-to-Hell Lass, you have gone too
far! By the nobility of Herbie, by the purity of Cindy Lou Who, by the
secondhand secular sacrifice of Frosty, I abjure thee!" He turned to
the audience. "But I'll need your help!"
GYXGYStH Lass cocked her head. "What are you..."
He pulled out a conductor's baton. "And a one and a two!" He pointed.
Catalyst Lass: "I saw Fuzzy kicking Santa Claus!"
Egg Man: "All around the battlefield last night!"
Occultism Kid: "They knocked the walls out from the plaster!"
Seyfert: "Only one left standing after!"
Fred: "Fuzzy had kicked Santa Claus last night!"
She staggered back. "What? No! Stop that!"
Z-Man: "From Khadam flee, from Khadam flee!"
Louie: "It's all that we don't want to be!"
Conflicto: "Decades of evil come to roost!"
Brightsword: "Experimental devils loosed!"
Brightsword II: "From Khadam flee, from Khadam flee!"
Ahmed: "I will bend its will to me!"
Green Knight: "Kick-ass, kick-ass time is here..."
Skullblazer Legacy: "Time for doom and time for fear!"
Jimeno: "Holding out, but I can't last!"
Blue Boxer: "Hurry, backup, hurry fast!"
Darkhorse III: "Dodge and roll, leap and swoop..."
Kellin: "Me and you should go regroup!"
Dorcas Wilkins: "Hope that I can stand the wait..."
Fish: "Please, justice, don't be late..."
The sudden flare of bittersweet emotion knocked GYXGYStH Lass on her
"New Starfall Table!"
Silver Arrow: "I'm dreaming~ of a new universe~"
Stardancer: "With every reality I rewrite~"
Theosonovus: "May your dreams be second in sight~"
Gateway: "And may each of your worlds have its knight~"
"Superhuman World Table!"
Imperilus: "I'm Mister White August, I'm Mister Snow!"
Adu Asantemantse: "I'm Eco~logical~"
Lili Speed: "Collapse of all you know!"
Avernacht: "People call me the Ragnarok!"
Random member of the Trillions: "Whatever I touch..."
Other-Wyatt: "...can't survive in your clutch!"
Ellipsis: "I'm too much!"
She rose unsteadily. "You know, this doesn't even make much sense--"
Safari: "Slay bells ring, spear is glistening!"
Officer Janson: "In the lane, evil's christening!"
Tony Gold: "A demonic sight!"
Detective King: "There's danger, alright."
Future Godling Chorus: "Stalking in a future plunderland!"
"Pinnacle City Table!"
Steelhide: "Deck the bad guys in the face!"
Athena & Clusterbomb: "Fa la la la la, la la la la!"
Solstice Powers: "Make them gone without a trace!"
Athena & Clusterbomb: "Fa la la la la, la la la la!"
American Ranger: "Blow them into tiny pieces!"
Athena & Clusterbomb: "Fa la la la la, la la la la!"
Liberator: "Feed them to the cats and meeces!"
Athena & Clusterbomb: "Fa la la la la, la la la la!"
"One Day at a Time Table!"
Mysterious Voice: "SHOULD RANDOM POWERS BE FORGOT?"
Announcer: "Left in a candy mind?"
Random Bomberguy: "Should random powers be forgot?"
Robertson: "And if not, how about mine!?"
Edmund Crumpleston: "But surely you'll wear your costume~"
Doctor Eric Sullivan: "And surely I'll wear mine!"
Crabot Tank: "Activating self-repair program."
Mike Kittyman: "...so, what means 'auld lang syne'?"
She hissed and fell back. "This... cannot... be!"
Cthulhu: "Dashing through aether! In a twelve-dimensioned race!"
Patrick Harrison: "Over the worlds we go! Crash thru time and space!"
John Munlop: "Chimes of doom will ring! Marking my revenge!"
Dis Aster: "Ritual demon! Summoned to the henge!"
Doctor Peru: "Evolve cells?"
Doctor Pillbox: "Evolve cells!"
The Cockroach: "Develop toxic spray!"
Jaden: "Oh what fun it is to apply..."
Floyd Beckersley: "...chaos to the everyday!"
"Noooooooo!" Goddamn-You-Xmas-Goddamn-You-Straight-to-Hell Lass turned
into a shadowy form, her image wavering, early-90s-anime-style. "I'll
be back... a... gain... some... daaaaaay..." She vanished.
"Hah! Can't believe that worked." Pointless Awards Man II danced a
little jig before he got ahold of himself and turned the smarm back on.
"All right, the next presenter is... is..."
He peered into the orchestra pit, where Kid Review and Kristi were
KOed, pinned under a robot who would need significant repairs in the
"...ah. Crap. Where am I gonna find a replacement *now*?"
A neutral figure stepped out from backstage. "I'm from the Multiversal
Office, and I'm here to help."
PAM II blinkblinked. "...this is a bad idea."
The Human Resource nodded. "But I've already filled out an SX37-J,
Authorization For Bad Idea."
He scanned the document. "Hm, looks like everything's in order. Here
you go!" He handed over the nominees and envelopes.
The Human Resource made a short bow to the audience and gave a
perfectly normal smile. "The first award is RACC3, FAVORITE
MINI-SERIES. The finalists are:"
"The Pyramid Trap." (Doctor Developer goes Super Magene Level 7)
"Men's Courses Will Foreshadow..." (The Last Archangel's mood ring
turns to "huh, how about that")
"Anal-Retentive Archive Kid: A Judicious Use of Overkill." (Police
Chief Trouser scratches his head at the sudden cessation of gang
activity in Net.ropolis)
"The winner is: Anal-Retentive Archive Kid: A Judicious Use of
ARAK came up once more, surmounting the steps to take up the podium.
"Ah, thank you very much. You guys know that was almost a decade ago
in continuity, though, right? New gangs are sure to have moved in
eventually; it's not like I have the time or, really, the inclination
to keep rooting them out, especially when I'm not being protected
Elizabeth Greenvale irritably stomped up on stage. "My god! You're the
biggest, wettest blanket ever dumped on this party, you know that?
C'mere..." She grabbed him by the ear and pulled.
"Augh! Ow! You know, I have martial arts training, it doesn't make
sense that you can-- ow ow owie..."
The Human Resource nodded. "ISO standard courtship ritual. Good. The
next award is RACC2, FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES. The finalists are:"
"Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2." (Limited-edition red chocolate
versions of standard grocery-aisle candy)
"Journey Into." (The original Darkhorse takes lunch with The Fastingest
"Spellbinder." (Spellbinder accepts five awards in a row)
"The Tribulations of Kid Review." (Lady Review fries up some tofu)
"Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer." (Jennifer and Deedee watch Beast
Wars in first-run syndication)
"The winner is: Spellbinder."
A shrill scream came from the New Starfall table, and a flowing white
blur beat feet towards the big red EXIT sign. Unfortunately, some big
burly characters who haven't shown up in a while (feel free to insert
your favorites!) were guarding the door, and Chelsea was soon dragged
bodily up on stage.
"Eheheheh..." She coughed. "Well, then. Thank you deeply, graciously,
from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, for the many plaudits you have
bestowed upon myself, my author, and my series. Thank you for making a
newbie feel welcome. ...I'm going to pass out now." She did so, a Form
2011-PO authorizing a sudden faint fluttering to the ground beside her.
The Human Resource gave her exactly ten point five seconds of applause,
then faced front. "The last award is RACC1, FAVORITE WRITER. The
"Tom Russell." (A great statue by the shore of a nameless sea releases
a shining gorilla into the sky)
"Dave van Domelen." (Death gives up his mantle to tell stories by the
shore of a swamp)
"Saxon Brenton." (The fulcrum at the center of the universe balances
the flow of the all-powerful Limp-Asparagus Force)
"The winner is: Saxon Brenton."
A man of medium height, slightly overweight, with short dark brown
curly hair and eyes of a washed-out green colour (description blatantly
stolen from Limp-Asparagus Lad #6) stepped on stage. "Hello there! As
per Paragraph 23, Section 15 of the Ge.net.va Convention on
Conventions, I... wait a minute."
The tables were all in straight rows, and gleamed from being scrubbed
down every 6 to 7 minutes. No one was watching, as each member of the
audience was hunched over an Application For Permit To View Ceremonial
Speech. The waitstaff was refilling glasses with pens and #2 pencils.
"You!" Saxon dramatically pointed to the Human Resource. "You're
bureaucratising the RACCies!"
"Yes," he replied pleasantly. "I very much am."
"It's a good thing I kept *this*!" Saxon tossed off his clothing,
revealing a black spandex suit with the words 'Pointless Awards Man
III' written across the chest and a scabbard holding a katana. PAM II
screamed like a little girl and fled the stage.
The Human Resource nodded and drew up a form requisitioning a
regulation-length iajutsu blade; it appeared in his hands with a
The two took up positions at opposite ends of the stage. A soft breeze
blew gently through the auditorium. Hands hovered just above grips.
Eyes were locked in place. A tumbleweed blew by, picking up Easily-
Discovered Bran Mite and carrying him out of the theater shouting and
As if guided by an invisible signal, the combatants sprang forward as
one. There was a flash of light on metal, and they landed, backs to
There was a beat, and Saxon rose. The Human Resource crumpled to the
ground. Saxon flicked the toner from his blade and sheathed it.
PAM II peeked out from behind the curtains. "You-- you beat him!"
Saxon nodded. "Of course. Once the homage was in motion, he had to
follow the expected course of the duel to the letter. Stand by the
tropes, fall by the tropes."
PAM II nodded. Then he smooshed a cream pie into Saxon's face.
As Saxon licked off the residue, Pointless Awards Man II turned to the
cameras. "That's it for this year. Brought to you by Emperor Hogan's
Kangaroo Wax! Keeps your kangaroo shiny, and why would you want to do
17th Annual RACCie Winners:
RACC1, Favorite Writer: Saxon Brenton
RACC2, Favorite Ongoing Series: Spellbinder
RACC3, Favorite Mini-Series: Anal-Retentive Archive Kid: A Judicious
Use of Overkill
RACC4, Favorite Arc: "Cardoid Attacks!" (The Tribulations of Kid
Review #3-4) and "Twilight of the Superhuman World" (SW10 as a
RACC5, Favorite Single Issue: Spellbinder #1, "Take This Job and
RACC6, Favorite Hero/Protagonist: Anal-Retentive Archive Kid and
RACC7, Favorite Villain/Antagonist: The Multiversal Office
RACC8, Favorite Supporting Character: Alexander Bernadetteson
RACC9, Favorite New Character: Spellbinder
RACC10, Favorite Parody/Comedy: A Return to the RACCCafe
RACC11, Favorite Acrophobe/Adult Offering: ASH and Journey Into
RACC12, Favorite Review Title: End of Month Reviews and The
Tribulations of Kid Review (tie)
RACC13, Favorite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes
RACC14, Favorite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton
RACC15, Best Discussion: "Comic Book Tropes You Loathe"
RACC16, Favorite Running Gag: Serving minors in the RACCCafe
RACC17, Most Improved Author: Tim Munn
RACC18, Favorite New Writer: Robin Strickland
RACC19, Favorite New Title: Spellbinder
The Doctor Stomper Bronze Boot for Excellence in Exposition: Mars
and the Dark Age of Superheroes
The Rabbit-Breeder's Cup: Scott Eiler
The Johnny Sokko "Come Back, Giant Robot, Come Back" Loving Cup:
Everyone who didn't post something in 2010
The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): Arthur
The "Spider Spins!" Little Lulu Web Page Award: Wil's Ego
Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Improved Author: Tom Russell
The Golden Lasso: Ted Brock and Andrew Perron
The "Superheroes Are a Genre, Not a Medium" Formatting Upgrade:
The Anti-Matter Version of the Johnny Sokko Loving Cup: Ted Brock
Whew. This year, I did preparation beforehand, but ran smack-dab into
feeling like last year's ceremony didn't have quite enough flashiness
and ceremony-ish-ness to it. I trust this year made up for that?
The Spellbinder running gag certainly wasn't meant to make Robin feel
bad, nor make anyone feel bad for voting for him. It just seemed an
appropriate joke to take to ridiculous extremes. Hopefully, we'll see
*many* more issues of Spellbinder.
I'm afraid I made a bit of a diversion into Real Person Fanfic at the
end. It... just seemed appropriate? Eheh.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, whee fun.
More information about the racc