BP: The Wonderous Doctor Pillbox

[Tim Munn]

Boring Publications Presents...
The Wonderous Doctor Pillbox


Kensington was quickly shuffled into the bathroom by Doctor Peru, who
handed him a little cup.  He looked confusedly to the doctor in the
quick shuffle.  "You pee in the cup, Kensington, it can't be explained
any simpler."

With that, Doctor Peru shoved poor Kensington Hesh through the door,
closing it with a loud thud.  There was a latching noise that
followed.

"Hey!  What's the meaning of this?!" Kensington gasped.

There was a moment of silence, then: "I don't want zombie cooties."

"Zombie Cooties?  Why, I never heard of such a thing!" replied an
astonished Kensington.

"Yes," Doctor Peru sighed, "had you been alive last Thursday, you
would have learned of their existence."

"Damn!" Kensington snapped his fingers.

"Indeed.  Now, pee in the cup like a good little boy, Kensington."

He sighed, looking into the tiny cup.  Maybe he should have told the
doctor that he hadn't needed to go these last two weeks?  A side
effect of his condition, no doubt.  But, where was it going, if not
out of himself?  Certainly, it wasn't going to Cincinatti for the
weekend.  What if it was just /collecting/?  He had stopped bothering
to check after its usefulness had suddenly come to an end.  His hand
trembled at the touch of the fly.  Slowly, slowly, slowly!  Kensington
loosed sevaral loud positive notes.

"Kensington?" Peru cautiously asked, knocking lightly at the door,
"This is the wrong place for that.  You nearly set off the nurse in
one of her, well, fits.  I can refer you to a place, it's just down
the street.  Uh, I'll leave you be."

"It's quite alright, doctor.  I'm normal."  Kensington's own words
made him sick.  How normal was it to have no need to relieve oneself?;
to not have a heartbeat?  Not very, if one reffered to the Everyman's
Guide.  He stood there however, waiting for something to happen.  He
turned on the faucet, hoping to loosen up a little.  Nothing.  He
jumped up and down.  Nothing.  Everything he could think of, he
tried.  Still nothing.  But at the moment Kensington was about to give
up, there was a small something.

It was a small voice.

"You can talk," Kensington gasped in horror.  He had to admit though,
there was a wonderment to it.  Just think of the peculiar
conversations, thought Kensington.  "You probably already know my
name, but if you forget, it's Kensington Hesh.  It's odd, you being
another part of my flesh, and all.  Do you have a name?"

"Yes," the small voice replied, "my name is Doctor Pillbox."

Kensington bit his tongue to stop from laughing.  Instinctually, a
hunger for flesh came over his body, getting just a taste of that
tasty tongue morsel.  "You're going to make Doctor Peru so jealous
when I tell him your name."

"Rightly, he was always jealous of me when we were in school."

This is it, Kensington thought sadly, I've gone crazy.  I never was in
school with Doctor Peru.  Maybe, he thought hopefully, it's just
Zombie Amnesia.  "I never was in school with Peru," he said slowly and
calmly, hoping for some sort of understanding.

"Of course," came a quick reply, "you never went to school with Peru,
but _I_ did."  A confused look poured over Kensington's face, to which
the voice sighed.  "Look here, up a little, up, up.  There!"

There.  In front of Kensington Hesh's own eyes.  Brown eyes that
stared back into his.  The man pulled himself halfway into the window
in front of the toilet.  He reached out with his right hand.  "Doctor
Pillbox, at your service."

Kensington slowly backed away, properly securing himself.  Never
before had his privacy been invaded like this.  He said as much to
this Doctor Pillbox, who waved Kensington off easily.

"Look around you, man," exclaimed Pillbox, waving his free hand around
the room.  Every knook and cranny, even the tiniest, was filled to the
brim with spy cameras of all types.  "Now," continued the Doctor,
"Peru must be occupied, we don't have much time.  Come with me if you
want to pee!"

"I must hand it to you," Kensington nodded, "I like how you avoided
that famous line."

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind.  Yes, I will go with you.  I must warn you, you are not
my first nor will you be my last."

Pillbox pounded his fist to the tank, looking mightily disturbed.  He
righted himself, giving Kensington a nod.  "Come with me, Kensington.
I will try my hardest to cure you of your dreaded disease."

Kensington took Pillbox's hand, being carefully led out the window.
At last!  He was going to be cured!  But, how did Pillbox know of his
disease?  He looked cautiously down to Pillbox, immediately a sickish
feeling coming over him.  He fell backward, trying hard not to take
Pillbox with him.  Kensington avoided the major collision, though fell
to the ground with a loud squishing noise.  Drats, thought a disturbed
Doctor Pillbox, I didn't bother to bring a mop!  Eh, he only needed a
small sample anyways.  Kensington wasn't so much important, as was his
flesh.

Kensington opened his eyes, letting out a long sigh.  He wiggled and
wormed on the ground, finally able to right himself after a minute or
so.  "I think I'm going to be fine," Kensington grunted, stretching
out his joints.

Pillbox gave a thumbs up from his perch, dropping to the ground.  He
pulled a cell phone from his lab coat pocket, commanding the other end
to meet in the back.  There was a squealing of tires, bringing a
satisfied look to the Doctor's face.  A purple van screeched to a halt
in front of them.  Three men quickly exited to a shriek from
Kensington.  This is bad, bad, bad, thought a terrified Kensington
Hesh.

"Oh, Lord," Kensington peeped before the goon with the burlap sack
shoved a sock in his mouth, slipping the sack over him.  Another duct-
taped the bottom tightly, drawing a whimper from Kensington.  The two
picked him up, unceremoniously tossing him in the back of the van,
following close after.

"Quick, to the Pillbox Lair!" Pillbox yelled.

"Sir, we technically don't have a lair.  It's more like a bunker.  We
told you this before we left, I'm sure of it," the goon riding shotgun
said.

Pillbox looked disgusted.  "Pillbox Bunker doesn't have the same flair
as Pillbox Lair.  Just so long as we get there, I suppose."

"To the Bunker!" the other three goons said excitedly.  The purple van
sped over the hills and through the woods, into the sunset.

written by and copyright Tim Munn 8.21.2010 1:00 p.m.