BP: The Insidious Doctor Peru

[Tim Munn]

Boring Publications Presents...
The Insidious Doctor Peru


"Sir?  Doctor Peru will see you now."

"Thank you," the oddly dressed man smiled.  She didn't recognize him;
Doctor Peru's most frequent patient.  Without heistation, he strode
headlong into the Doctor's office.

"What's the meaning of this?!" Doctor Peru demanded to know, as
another nurse quickly buttoned her top.

"Doctor, don't you recognize me?  It's me!  Kensington Hesh, in the
flesh!" Kensington quickly removed several layers of clothing and the
hat he wore low.

"I know of a Kensington Hesh.  That man died years ago.  You are only
an impostor!" Doctor Peru reached for a drawer.  Kensington was a fast
and smart fellow, drawing quicker than Peru.  He held up the picture
for Peru to peruse, Peru having a peculiar look on his face.

"Damn!  Only one man could draw fairies riding flying pigs that
splendidly-- or any other such surrealism for that matter.  Kensington
my boy!  How are you?  Its been so many years...  I thought you really
were dead!" said the amazed Doctor Peru.

"Well," Kensington sighed, "that's the problem I came in here today
with, Doctor," Kensington again sighs.  He pauses to collect his
thought.  How can he tell his long-time Doctor the news without
sending him to a hospital?  Well, here it goes.  "It turns out, that
some way, some how, I really became dead."

Doctor Peru thought it over, rubbing his chin for good measure.  "One
can not be dead," he said, quickly swiveling in his chair.  Doctor
Peru refferred to the 'Everyman's Guide to Medical Know-How'.
"Hmmm... yes, just as I said.  One can not be living and dead.  Open
your mouth Kensington."

Kensington did as Peru ordered.  The Doctor spent several minutes
alone looking into Kensington's mouth.  Doctor Peru looked high and
low, from side to side without seeming to find anything.

"I'm sorry Kensington, but I'm not a dentist," Doctor Peru concluded.

Kensington snapped his fingers in frustration.  "Damn!  I was going on
a good tip too!"

"Eh?" Doctor Peru raised an eyebrow.  "Who told you I was a Dentist?"

Kensington squirmed in his seat.  He tried not to look Doctor Peru in
the eye.  He didn't have a good poker face.  He didn't even know how
to play the game!  There was no way he could snitch.  Absolutley none,
as he didn't really know who gave the information.

"Who told you Kensington, I must know!" Doctor Peru reached down into
the opposite drawer.  He placed a car battery on top of his desk and
smiled.  "Oh no!" Doctor Peru laughed. "Kensington, I'm afraid to say
this but, I can't assure you of a proper life expectancy beyond this
point," he said, touching positve and negative together.  He laughed
maniacally.  All this, Kensington thought terribly, after I treated
Doctor Peru to supper last Tuesday!  Peru touched the ends together
again, drawing Hesh from his thoughts.

"But Doctor Peru!  That's why I'm here!  I'm already dead!"

In a brief moment, Doctor Peru's life flashed before his very eyes.
It was more of a flicker, really.  His professional life hadn't lasted
long and the obscenely falsified life he led as a Mogolian Yak Herder
didn't count for beans.  At least, not outside the bedroom, where he
made love to his wife on the Brazillian-made faux Mongolian Yak Hide
bed, playing softly against their bodies, making for hours of pleasure
and comfort.

"Doctor Peru!  Are you going to help me?!" Kensington slammed a fist
into the desk, startling Peru out of his stupor.

"Yes, yes, Kensington!  I will help you!" Doctor Peru pumped a fist of
victory into the air. "Now, for the urine sample!"

written 10.19.2007 by Tim Munn