LNH: Beige Midnight #6: The Bart Age: "The Ice Caverns of Existence"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 31 09:11:12 PDT 2010

On Wed, 26 May 2010 01:43:26 +0000 (UTC), Arthur Spitzer wrote:

> But that's the future.  Now, he was just a man.  A man named Bartholomew 
> Bartley.  

Woo! (I would've gone for Bartles, though.)

> "Yes, after his Majesty!  Emperor Paul Hogan!  You've heard of him, 
> haven't you?  Ruler of the Alt.stralian Empire?  Last remaining Super 
> Power in the world ever since the Soviet Unio.net collapsed?  No?!  You 
> Seppos are an oblivious lot, aren't you?"

XD Naturally.

> The meaning of existence?
> Bart looked at the ocean sweeping away everything.
> Suddenly he felt a chill.


> "You were obviously hoping that I'd join up with the 'enemy 
> army' and that when I least expected it you'd both betray me.  That was 
> your plan, wasn't it?"

Meep!  At least he's lost his knowledge of how to kill each and every
member of the LNH!

> Vector Sublime glanced at the paper in her hand.  "Mr. Tiddles is still 
> missing.  There is no trace of him after his escape from the LNHHQ 
> holding cells."
> "Pffttt," hissed General Barrage.  "We don't need that overrated 
> primadonna!"  The gray striped cat began to lick one of his paws violently.

D'awww, such a cute homicidal maniac! ^.^

> "Maybe, still keep looking.  And how about Manga Man?  Any progress on 
> that front?"
> Vector Sublime shook her head.  "Our team we sent to 
> alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes led by Demented Designer hasn't reported 
> yet."

This reminds me: Do you have any specific plans for Manga Man?

> "That?  Well, here's the thing," the Hex Luthor robot duplicate started 
> to say standing up again.  "I'm not really Hex Luthor.  I'm a robot 
> duplicate made by Dr. Stomper to infiltrate this organization of yours. 
>   The real Hex Luthor has betrayed you and has taken Amnesia and himself 
> to sometime in the past to help the LNH on some mission in exchange for 
> a time machine pack."


> "General Londonbroil?  You have something to say?"
> "Nah, just love being called General Londonbroil.  Bloody marvelous that."

Ah, Londonbroil.  One of my favorite
bad-but-not-so-bad-he-can't-occasionally-be-good guys.  Great line!

> Ignoring him, Dr. Stomper continued.  "The grunge look was a trendy 
> style of dress.  Crystal clear beverages like Crystal Clear Mr. Paprika 
> were also quite popular.  And a common form of greeting that people 
> would use during this era was the so called, 'How's it Hangin'?' type 
> salutation."
> "I think we already know all this, Vincent," said Irony Man.

Seriously, you were all around back now! (Well, except for Ripping Dancer.)

> "So, are you going to kill us all?" said Kid Recap with a bored 
> expression on his face.
> The Ultimate Ninja hesitated as if he was trying to figure out what type 
> of game Kid Recap was playing.  Finally he said, "Maybe later."

Man, Kid Recap has *conejos*!

(Spanish for "rabbits".)

> The Bart look-a-like looked straight at Kid Recap.  "I don't know.  They 
> made me do this."
> "Who?  Who made you do this?"
> "The Elders!  They made me impersonate the king!  It was there doing!"

Ahhhhhhhh, makes sense.

> Fearless Leader browsed the assortments of cereals.  They seemed to be 
> out of his favorite brand -- 'Beaties' -- the Breakfast of People who 
> beat People up.

And now I'm imagining Allen Ginsburgh and William S. Burroughs hawking

> "Good.  I'm LNH too.  Although now I'm a triple agent working for 
> W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination).

Woo!  Ah, man, haven't seen *them* in a while.

> "Sure.  So still want to do this?  Or do you want to save him?  Hey, 
> maybe you could also save me while you're at it!  Maybe I could be some 
> great hero?  What do you say to that??!"

I'd make an Earth-3 Luthor joke, but I think of Infinite Crisis and I get

> "Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad!  You!  The guy with the top hat!  No, not 
> you.  The other guy with the top hat.  Yeah, you!  I need you to do 
> something."

Wait, who was the first guy?

> Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned 
> his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of 
> Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only 
> so much a hero can take!)  "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would 
> we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"

Wait, couldn't they just go to 1994 on their way back to the present?  Is-
is that how time travel works? @-@

> "According to my calculation, give or take 5 members.  Keep in mind once 
> we get back we could send another Time ship to pick them up."

Yay for making sense!

> "Maybe.  Maybe you're right.  Maybe I'm not a hero.  Maybe I've lost 
> that forever.  Maybe.  But I'm still LNH.  I'll always be LNH.  I was 
> there for the first fight.  And I'll be there with them when the 
> Bryttles wake up.  And if it's my last battle -- well, then it's my last 
> battle.  I'm LNH."

*hums patriotic music*

> "The Master Code is M-A-S-T-U-R-C-O-A-D."

I can't believe it!  That's the same combination on my luggage!

> "Oh, don't worry about it, OK.  There's only one place Hex could go 
> using the time packs.  It didn't matter, which ones he used," said 
> Contraption Man with a grin on his face.


> Hex Luthor scanned the environment and saw something that looked like a 
> Pterodactyl flying in the sky.  And then he spotted a pack of 
> Velociraptors that were moving his way.  Each Velociraptor was wearing a 
> Crocodile Dundee hat.

Bwahahaha.  Excellent. u-u

> "No, Irony Man!  Don't!" said Occultism Kid.  "It has to be me.  Of all 
> of us, I'm the only one it can be assured of that will make it back to 
> the present.  The scene where I talk to my Beige Countdown past self 
> hasn't happened yet [See Beige Countdown #0].

Ooooh, nice.

> "Fine."  Irony Man reattached his armored glove over his hand slightly 
> disappointed by one less chance to redeem himself for all of his sins.

This is gonna be a recurring thing, isn't it.

> Occultism Kid took the cigarette out of his mouth and watched the smoke 
> from it dissipate into the air around it.  "Yeah.  Guess so.  Ain't that 
> something?"  Occultism Kid looked at his other hand that now had a 
> bottle of vodka in it.  His clean shaven face had a fuzzy shadow over it 
> now.  His eyes were blood shot webs.  And his trenchcoat was a lot more 
> grubby with old blood stains splattered over it.  Stains that could 
> never get clean no matter how hard you tried.  Occultism Kid laughed and 
> took a swig from the vodka bottle.  "Now if you bloody spandexers don't 
> mind -- I really need to get piss drunk."  Occultism Kid made a 'V' sign 
> with his fingers.

The revenge of Grimsloth and Withnail!

> "You're going to have to live with your sin, Ripping Dancer.  No matter 
> how many lives you save or whatever -- it's going be there.  There's no 
> Mini-car of Redemption for us, Ripping Dancer.  No.  We don't have it 
> simple.  You need to just accept it, find strength in it, and move on. 
> It's going to be with you for the rest of your life.

Ooooh, it's a theme!

> But everything looked completely different.  Naked guys and girls with 
> flowers in their hair playing guitars and smoking joints littered the 
> lawn of the LNH Headquarters, which looked a lot like a commune.

Interestingly, I just watched a counterculture movie.  It was directed by
Roger Corman.

> "It's no use!  Can't reach Kid Kesey!  What ever is keeping Deja Druid 
> and Continuity Tramp locked on the DoobieSat has gotten him too!!" 

Direct continuity references! <3 (Also: Continuity Tramp. XD)

> "It's that warmongering fascist Toony Stork's body guard and assassin!! 
>   The Irony Monger -- he's outside!!


> Contraption Man looked at his watch.  There was no time for a fight 
> scene. 

It's about a quarter to plot resolution.

> As the 2008 LNH Members flashed away back to the present, the Legion of 
> Net.Hippies continuity bubble burst.
> And their continuity replacements, The Legion of Net.Herrings flopped 
> around a bit gasping for water before their bubble ruptured too.

XD That's just superawesome.

> "Wait!  Please!  Come back!  Most Worthy One!!  Please!"  The Elders 
> prayed and prayed, but it was no use.  They would never learn the 
> Meaning of Existence.  Eld-Ar the Elder touched the last place Munchkin 
> Man had stood and then Eld-Ar the Elder wept.

Huh.  Odd way to have it happen, but what the hell!

> Kid Anarky walked straight through the portal.  Pink Fuzzy Trenchcoat 
> and all.
> The portal vanished a little bit afterwards.

Eeeee Kid Anarky <3

> "Occultism Kid?  You coming on board?"  Contraption Man watched as 
> Occultism Kid appeared to be urinating on one of the LNH Space.thingees. 
>   Contraption Man had a bad feeling that the NTB retcon on Occultism Kid 
> was still taking effect.

Oh, that's not good.

> And just at that moment, Renegade Programmer pushed a button that caused 
> the Sincerity Satellite to start bathing the Loonivearth with sincerity 
> rays.

Kid Enthusiastic's powers increase ten thousandfold!  (un)Fortunately, he
doesn't have any powers, so he's just even more hyper than usual.

> And then he rubbed his hands.
> Bart smiled.  "Okay.  Who's next?"

Oh, that's *really* not good.  And awesome.

> How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia?  :)

Sounds about right to me! ``

> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this?  (Well more like 7 
> months to procrastinate and one month to write).  Uhhggggg.  I mostly 
> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of 
> this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to 
> get this finished.  

If editing help is needed, I'd be glad to volunteer? ``

> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing 
> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again. 
> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.

Indeed... which is why I'm doing my own Retcon Hour homage!  Woo!  Yes,
Digital Jump Special #1 will be out sorta-kinda soon! (Or possibly #2, if
#1 is the MST3K thing instead.  And I'll probably do DJ #6 first.  Or
however the inspiration falls.)


> Here's some more about it...
> http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Hour
> Don't think you have to read it though to understand this issue though...
> All this happened in the summer between my highschool years and my 
> college years...

I was eleven years old!

> Freezing Bart for a million years was Lalo's idea.  Had my doubts about 
> it at first, but since Lalo was still going to write this arc back then, 
> I figured he could do whatever he wanted.  That being said, I will admit 
> that it solved a lot of problems so probably just as well that he 
> thought it up.

I thought it was a neat twist!

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, retcons ahoy-hoy~

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