LNH: Beige Midnight #6: The Bart Age: "The Ice Caverns of Existence"
Andrew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 31 09:11:12 PDT 2010
On Wed, 26 May 2010 01:43:26 +0000 (UTC), Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> But that's the future. Now, he was just a man. A man named Bartholomew
> Bartley.
Woo! (I would've gone for Bartles, though.)
> "Yes, after his Majesty! Emperor Paul Hogan! You've heard of him,
> haven't you? Ruler of the Alt.stralian Empire? Last remaining Super
> Power in the world ever since the Soviet Unio.net collapsed? No?! You
> Seppos are an oblivious lot, aren't you?"
XD Naturally.
> The meaning of existence?
>
> Bart looked at the ocean sweeping away everything.
>
> Suddenly he felt a chill.
Nice.
> "You were obviously hoping that I'd join up with the 'enemy
> army' and that when I least expected it you'd both betray me. That was
> your plan, wasn't it?"
Meep! At least he's lost his knowledge of how to kill each and every
member of the LNH!
> Vector Sublime glanced at the paper in her hand. "Mr. Tiddles is still
> missing. There is no trace of him after his escape from the LNHHQ
> holding cells."
>
> "Pffttt," hissed General Barrage. "We don't need that overrated
> primadonna!" The gray striped cat began to lick one of his paws violently.
D'awww, such a cute homicidal maniac! ^.^
> "Maybe, still keep looking. And how about Manga Man? Any progress on
> that front?"
>
> Vector Sublime shook her head. "Our team we sent to
> alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes led by Demented Designer hasn't reported
> yet."
This reminds me: Do you have any specific plans for Manga Man?
> "That? Well, here's the thing," the Hex Luthor robot duplicate started
> to say standing up again. "I'm not really Hex Luthor. I'm a robot
> duplicate made by Dr. Stomper to infiltrate this organization of yours.
> The real Hex Luthor has betrayed you and has taken Amnesia and himself
> to sometime in the past to help the LNH on some mission in exchange for
> a time machine pack."
Gasp!!
> "General Londonbroil? You have something to say?"
>
> "Nah, just love being called General Londonbroil. Bloody marvelous that."
Ah, Londonbroil. One of my favorite
bad-but-not-so-bad-he-can't-occasionally-be-good guys. Great line!
> Ignoring him, Dr. Stomper continued. "The grunge look was a trendy
> style of dress. Crystal clear beverages like Crystal Clear Mr. Paprika
> were also quite popular. And a common form of greeting that people
> would use during this era was the so called, 'How's it Hangin'?' type
> salutation."
>
> "I think we already know all this, Vincent," said Irony Man.
Seriously, you were all around back now! (Well, except for Ripping Dancer.)
> "So, are you going to kill us all?" said Kid Recap with a bored
> expression on his face.
>
> The Ultimate Ninja hesitated as if he was trying to figure out what type
> of game Kid Recap was playing. Finally he said, "Maybe later."
Man, Kid Recap has *conejos*!
(Spanish for "rabbits".)
> The Bart look-a-like looked straight at Kid Recap. "I don't know. They
> made me do this."
>
> "Who? Who made you do this?"
>
> "The Elders! They made me impersonate the king! It was there doing!"
Ahhhhhhhh, makes sense.
> Fearless Leader browsed the assortments of cereals. They seemed to be
> out of his favorite brand -- 'Beaties' -- the Breakfast of People who
> beat People up.
And now I'm imagining Allen Ginsburgh and William S. Burroughs hawking
cereal.
> "Good. I'm LNH too. Although now I'm a triple agent working for
> W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination).
Woo! Ah, man, haven't seen *them* in a while.
> "Sure. So still want to do this? Or do you want to save him? Hey,
> maybe you could also save me while you're at it! Maybe I could be some
> great hero? What do you say to that??!"
I'd make an Earth-3 Luthor joke, but I think of Infinite Crisis and I get
sad.
> "Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! You! The guy with the top hat! No, not
> you. The other guy with the top hat. Yeah, you! I need you to do
> something."
Wait, who was the first guy?
> Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned
> his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of
> Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only
> so much a hero can take!) "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would
> we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"
Wait, couldn't they just go to 1994 on their way back to the present? Is-
is that how time travel works? @-@
> "According to my calculation, give or take 5 members. Keep in mind once
> we get back we could send another Time ship to pick them up."
Yay for making sense!
> "Maybe. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not a hero. Maybe I've lost
> that forever. Maybe. But I'm still LNH. I'll always be LNH. I was
> there for the first fight. And I'll be there with them when the
> Bryttles wake up. And if it's my last battle -- well, then it's my last
> battle. I'm LNH."
*hums patriotic music*
> "The Master Code is M-A-S-T-U-R-C-O-A-D."
I can't believe it! That's the same combination on my luggage!
> "Oh, don't worry about it, OK. There's only one place Hex could go
> using the time packs. It didn't matter, which ones he used," said
> Contraption Man with a grin on his face.
<snip>
> Hex Luthor scanned the environment and saw something that looked like a
> Pterodactyl flying in the sky. And then he spotted a pack of
> Velociraptors that were moving his way. Each Velociraptor was wearing a
> Crocodile Dundee hat.
Bwahahaha. Excellent. u-u
> "No, Irony Man! Don't!" said Occultism Kid. "It has to be me. Of all
> of us, I'm the only one it can be assured of that will make it back to
> the present. The scene where I talk to my Beige Countdown past self
> hasn't happened yet [See Beige Countdown #0].
Ooooh, nice.
> "Fine." Irony Man reattached his armored glove over his hand slightly
> disappointed by one less chance to redeem himself for all of his sins.
This is gonna be a recurring thing, isn't it.
> Occultism Kid took the cigarette out of his mouth and watched the smoke
> from it dissipate into the air around it. "Yeah. Guess so. Ain't that
> something?" Occultism Kid looked at his other hand that now had a
> bottle of vodka in it. His clean shaven face had a fuzzy shadow over it
> now. His eyes were blood shot webs. And his trenchcoat was a lot more
> grubby with old blood stains splattered over it. Stains that could
> never get clean no matter how hard you tried. Occultism Kid laughed and
> took a swig from the vodka bottle. "Now if you bloody spandexers don't
> mind -- I really need to get piss drunk." Occultism Kid made a 'V' sign
> with his fingers.
The revenge of Grimsloth and Withnail!
> "You're going to have to live with your sin, Ripping Dancer. No matter
> how many lives you save or whatever -- it's going be there. There's no
> Mini-car of Redemption for us, Ripping Dancer. No. We don't have it
> simple. You need to just accept it, find strength in it, and move on.
> It's going to be with you for the rest of your life.
Ooooh, it's a theme!
> But everything looked completely different. Naked guys and girls with
> flowers in their hair playing guitars and smoking joints littered the
> lawn of the LNH Headquarters, which looked a lot like a commune.
Interestingly, I just watched a counterculture movie. It was directed by
Roger Corman.
> "It's no use! Can't reach Kid Kesey! What ever is keeping Deja Druid
> and Continuity Tramp locked on the DoobieSat has gotten him too!!"
Direct continuity references! <3 (Also: Continuity Tramp. XD)
> "It's that warmongering fascist Toony Stork's body guard and assassin!!
> The Irony Monger -- he's outside!!
Naturally.
> Contraption Man looked at his watch. There was no time for a fight
> scene.
It's about a quarter to plot resolution.
> As the 2008 LNH Members flashed away back to the present, the Legion of
> Net.Hippies continuity bubble burst.
>
> And their continuity replacements, The Legion of Net.Herrings flopped
> around a bit gasping for water before their bubble ruptured too.
XD That's just superawesome.
> "Wait! Please! Come back! Most Worthy One!! Please!" The Elders
> prayed and prayed, but it was no use. They would never learn the
> Meaning of Existence. Eld-Ar the Elder touched the last place Munchkin
> Man had stood and then Eld-Ar the Elder wept.
Huh. Odd way to have it happen, but what the hell!
> Kid Anarky walked straight through the portal. Pink Fuzzy Trenchcoat
> and all.
>
> The portal vanished a little bit afterwards.
Eeeee Kid Anarky <3
> "Occultism Kid? You coming on board?" Contraption Man watched as
> Occultism Kid appeared to be urinating on one of the LNH Space.thingees.
> Contraption Man had a bad feeling that the NTB retcon on Occultism Kid
> was still taking effect.
Oh, that's not good.
> And just at that moment, Renegade Programmer pushed a button that caused
> the Sincerity Satellite to start bathing the Loonivearth with sincerity
> rays.
Kid Enthusiastic's powers increase ten thousandfold! (un)Fortunately, he
doesn't have any powers, so he's just even more hyper than usual.
> And then he rubbed his hands.
>
> Bart smiled. "Okay. Who's next?"
Oh, that's *really* not good. And awesome.
> How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia? :)
Sounds about right to me! ``
> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? (Well more like 7
> months to procrastinate and one month to write). Uhhggggg. I mostly
> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
> this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
> get this finished.
If editing help is needed, I'd be glad to volunteer? ``
> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
Indeed... which is why I'm doing my own Retcon Hour homage! Woo! Yes,
Digital Jump Special #1 will be out sorta-kinda soon! (Or possibly #2, if
#1 is the MST3K thing instead. And I'll probably do DJ #6 first. Or
however the inspiration falls.)
...woo!
> Here's some more about it...
> http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Hour
>
> Don't think you have to read it though to understand this issue though...
>
> All this happened in the summer between my highschool years and my
> college years...
I was eleven years old!
> Freezing Bart for a million years was Lalo's idea. Had my doubts about
> it at first, but since Lalo was still going to write this arc back then,
> I figured he could do whatever he wanted. That being said, I will admit
> that it solved a lot of problems so probably just as well that he
> thought it up.
I thought it was a neat twist!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, retcons ahoy-hoy~
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