LNH: Beige Midnight #6: The Bart Age: "The Ice Caverns of Existence"

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue May 25 18:48:57 PDT 2010

Beginning of Part III

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Net.ropolis --

Irony Man, Dr. Stomper, Contraption Man, the New NTBish version of 
Occultism Kid, and Ripping Dancer flashed into what was supposed to be 
the lawn of the LNHHQ.

But everything looked completely different.  Naked guys and girls with 
flowers in their hair playing guitars and smoking joints littered the 
lawn of the LNH Headquarters, which looked a lot like a commune.

"And to think, I was afraid this would be totally lame," said Occultism 
Kid flicking his cigarette onto the ground.  "Tell you what -- why don't 
you spandex wankers go and you know -- save the world or something -- 
and I'll chat up some of these birds for info -- maybe score some drugs. 
  Sound like a plan?"

"Another Retcon Hour effect?" asked Ripping Dancer.

"Yes," said Dr. Stomper studying the retcon free scanner.thingee.  "I 
speculate that we've crossed into a continuity bubble where the Legion 
of Net.Hippies never ceased activity."

"Hippies," said Irony Man in his best Harrison Ford voice, "Why did it 
have to be Hippies?"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"It's no use!  Can't reach Kid Kesey!  What ever is keeping Deja Druid 
and Continuity Tramp locked on the DoobieSat has gotten him too!!" 
shouted Listens-to-Rock-n-Roll Lass trying to divine their whereabouts 
from the Grateful Dead bootleg tapes she was listening to.

"This isn't good," said Make Love Not War Lad clenching his love fist. 
"We've got to find who's doing this.  Is it the Time Toker?  wReamicus 
Fascisitus?  Richard Nixon?  Who is causing this -- Retcon Hour?"

"Ooh!  Ooh!  Just got some pics on my Anti-Fascist Cam!" said 
Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad running into the monitor room. 
"It's that warmongering fascist Toony Stork's body guard and assassin!! 
  The Irony Monger -- he's outside!!  And he's with a bunch of weird 
looking fascists!  Man, what a total fascist!"

Make Love Not War Lad took a drag from his toke.  "Well, guess we need 
to call the rest in here.  Looks like we're going to have a major rap 
session!  Let's get our Groove On!!"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ripping Dancer experienced a strange feeling as she touched one of the 
Legion of Net.Hippies Commune walls.  The colorful painted flower walls 
started to leak across her.  The whole space was swallowing her up.  The 
Beatle song, 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' began to play.  In order to 
fight this feeling of completely losing it, she began to dance.

"Ripping Dancer!" said Contraption Man grabbing a hold of her hand and 
removing it from the wall.  "Don't touch the walls!  They've got some 
type of psychedelic power.  Are you okay?"

"I -- uh -- yeah.  Whoahhh.  That was -- very trippy."

"Try not to touch anything else here.  There's no telling what it can do."

"Psychedelic power?  Yeah, right," said Occultism Kid licking one of the 
walls.  "Doing nothing for me."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Contraption Man studied over the time packs.  "I've never seen anything 
like this.  How does it work?"

"Electric Time Kool-Aid," answered Dr. Stomper.  "One of my old 
professors from college Dr. TO-TI-DO (Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out) was 
the one who developed this means of time transference.  It was 
unfortunately not a very stable means."

"Well, since we've only got five or so minutes till the rings run out of 
power -- looks like this will have to..."

Right about that then a number of Legion of Net.Hippies stormed into the 

"It's over, Irony Monger!" cried Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad. 
  "This time you're going answer for all your crimes against humanity!! 
  Genocidal Fascist!!"

"Genocidal Fascist, huh.  And here I was worried about being a dirty 
hippy in this timeline.  Guess someone likes me up there."  Irony Man 
pointed his Irony blasting hand right in the Legion of Net.Hippies 

Contraption Man looked at his watch.  There was no time for a fight 
scene.  Got to try something else.  "Everyone.  Step back.  Or I'll set 
this off."

Everyone looked at Contraption Man who was holding a scanner.thingee 
over his head.

"Umm, hey man.  We've seen a scanner.thingee before," replied McGovern 
Supporter Lad.

"Not one like this.  It's hooked up to the entire Marijuana Supply of 
the World.  Once I push the button, a virus that kills marijuana plants 
will be released.  And they all die.  Every single one of them.  No more 
Grass.  No more Pot.  Nada.  The Dream ends here."

"Oh god no!!" shouted both Kid Grass and Pot Lad.  "We give!!  We give!!"

Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad gestured towards everyone to step 
back.  "Fine.  Looks like you win again, Irony Monger.  But it's only a 
matter time before you get yours."

"Right.  I'm sure that will happen at any time," said Irony Man setting 
his time pack for the present.

As the 2008 LNH Members flashed away back to the present, the Legion of 
Net.Hippies continuity bubble burst.

And their continuity replacements, The Legion of Net.Herrings flopped 
around a bit gasping for water before their bubble ruptured too.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --

Eld-Ar the Elder scanned over the prophecy scroll.  Today was the day. 
This was the day that the alignment of Flosk, Mirgor, and Dalaton would 
happen.  During the time of the UIOP Comet.  And according to it the 
Most Worthy One would come this day to free King Qwert-El from the Ice 
Caverns of Existence.  The Real King Qwert-El.

It was amazing to think that for the past million years, the Elders had 
secretly been running the entire Empire using false King Qwert-El 
look-a-likes -- every five years or so replacing them.  The entire 
Empire was built on a lie.

And Eld-Ar the Elder was a part of this lie.  His father, and 
grandfather, and many ancestors in his line before that had been part of 
the lie.  And what was it all for?  Where was the meaning of this lie? 
The point of it all?

Eld-Ar took the scroll and held it over a candle.  The scroll started to 
burn.  Eld-Ar watched as it burned.  He put the scroll in the sacred 
stove and poked and prodded the scroll till it was nothing but ash.

When he and the other current Elders were dead, no one would remember 
the lie.  It would die with them.

Eld-Ar looked at his electric hourglass.  He heard a dinging coming from 
the bell tower.  Was this is?  Had the Most Worthy One arrived?  Had the 
L, and the N, and the H returned?

Eld-Ar put on his red ceremonial robe and made his way towards the 

Today the point of existence would finally be answered.

Today he would finally find the meaning for his life.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Kid Recap and a number of his amnesiac LNH'rs followed the red robed 
Elders towards the Ice Caverns of Existence.

He scanned the crowd of on lookers and wondered who the Most Worthy One 
was or when he'd get there.  And several minutes later they had finally 
reached the Caverns.  Kid Recap could feel an icy gust blast out from 
the Cave's fissure.

For awhile every single person there just stared at the opening and just 
waited.  Waited and waited.  And waited some more.  And then finally 
everyone stared at Kid Recap.

Eld-Ar the Elder tapped Kid Recap on the shoulder.  "It is time.  Time 
for the Most Worthy One to go into the Caverns."

"Umm, yeah.  Okay.  Feel Free and do that," responded Kid Recap.

Eld-Ar had an uncomfortable look on his face.  "We don't know who the 
Most Worthy One is.  You were supposed to bring him here."

"Me?  I don't know who he is either.  I figured he'd just show up.  So 
you don't know who he is?"

"This is very bad."  Eld-Ar went over to the group of Elders and started 
to consult with them.

"Do you know what you're doing?" said the Ultimate Ninja who had a very 
icy look on his face.

Kid Recap shrugged his hands.  "Umm -- not really.  Look, maybe the Most 
Worthy One is an LNH'r?  Maybe?  I don't know.  It doesn't matter. 
Someone's going to have to go into that cave and retrieve Bart."  Kid 
Recap gave a loud whistle in order to get everyone's attention.  "Okay, 
is anyone here The Most Worthy One?  Anyone?"  Kid Recap got a bunch of 
blank stares.

And then Munchkin Man clicked off his Headphones of Momentary Amusement 
(+238,749) and piped up.  "ooh!  ooh!  that's me!  i'm the most worthy 
one!!  stand aside folks!!  most worthy one coming through!!"

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "You've got to be kidding me!  This 
-- this dwarf...?"

"munchkin," corrected Munchkin Man.

"Whatever you are, all I've seen from the actions of you for the past 
few days is the most spineless, worthless excuse for a hero -- I've ever 

Kid Recap nodded.  "I have to agree with UN, Munchkin Man.  Honestly, 
you are the least worthy member of the LNH ever that I can think of. 
Why do you think you can do this?"

"these babies!!" Munchkin Man said pointing to three rings on his hand. 
  "got them off the black troll market -- a Ring of Most Worthiness 
(+89,567), a Ring of Most Worthiness (+67,453), and a Ring of Most 
Worthiness (+99,999).  i'm totally loaded!!  plus i've got this Amulet 
of Philosophical Cave Protection (+45,999) and my Mittens of Really, 
Really Cold Stuff Protection (23,783; +78,932)!!  look honestly the only 
reason i took this gig was because i have this quest for the meaning of 
all existence that i have to do before i can become a 99,222 level 

Kid Recap's eyes bugged out.  "Wait, how did you know that the Meaning 
of All Existence would even be here?"

"got it all here!"  Munchkin Man stuck his tiny blue hands into his 
Storage Sack of Infinite Space (+Infinity) and pulled out a book.  "it's 
the 'Big Book of Looniverse Hints and Cheats (2010 edition)'.  don't 
leave home without it!  bought it off this raccelestial for a trillion 
gold points.  quite a bargain actually."

Kid Recap shook his head in disbelief.  "God damn -- Could I take a look 
at that?"

"nah," Munchkin Man dumped the book back in his sack.  "have to be like 
a level 7892 Power Librarian to read it and a level 2348 Demi-God to 
touch it without dying, so no -- fraid not."

Kid Recap rolled his eyes a bit.  "Well, it looks like you're the Most 
Worthy One then, Munchkin Man.  Go to it then.  Good luck."

Munchkin Man gave a thumbs up and then put on his Mittens of Really, 
Really Cold Stuff Protection (23,783; +78,932).  And then he walked 
straight into the Ice Caverns of Existence.

Kid Recap held his breath.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

A few minutes later, Munchkin Man came out of the caverns tugging a 
giant ice block behind him.

Kid Recap gazed at the block.  There was something human trapped in 
there.  Was it Bart?  He could see something colorful sparkling away in 
the ice.  The Gems of Insanity?  He wondered if they should just haul 
the ice block back to the Loonivearth.  But before he could ponder that 
he watched Munchkin Man take out his Ice Pick of Ice Pickiness (+7892, 
+3457) and start to slice away at the ice.

Kid Recap waved his hands wildly.  "Wait!  What the hell are you doing!? 
  Stop that!!  Munchkin Man!!!"

"relax, kid recap.  bart is totally out of it!  And you don't have to 
worry about me being corrupted by the Ring of Retconn or Insanity 
Gauntlet -- i have some Tongs of Resist Corrupting Cosmic Devices 
(+11,999) that i can use to pull them off -- not that i'm really tempted 
anyways since they're pretty pathetic compared to the stuff i already 
have.  just saying."

Kid Recap pulled the Ultimate Ninja aside while Munchkin Man continued 
to whittle away at ice surrounding Bart's hands.  "Look, I know you 
don't trust me, but if that person trapped in the ice breaks out -- 
please, kill him.  Kill him quickly.  Just kill him.  Please."  The 
Ultimate Ninja whose ninja awareness could sense something incredibly 
powerful frozen in the ice gave a nod.

Munchkin Man finished carving the ice around Bart's hands.  With the 
Tongs of Resist Corrupting Cosmic Devices (+11,999), he carefully 
removed the Cosmic Devices and tossed them into a burlap sack.  He then 
tossed the burlap sack towards Kid Recap.  "there you go."

Kid Recap rubbed his eyes a bit.  Most of Bart was still frozen away in 
the ice block.  Was this it?  Was beating Bart that simple?

The Qwertian Elders walked up to with reverence and bowed down to 
Munchkin Man.  "Oh, Most Worthy One!  Tell us, please, the meaning of it 
all!  The Meaning -- The Meaning of All Existence!!!"

Munchkin Man glanced at his Watch of Time Telling (+77,945).  "sorry, 
gents -- have to keep on truckin'.  got to go to my Guild Master and get 
my next quest.  adios amigos!"  With that said Munchkin Man cast a spell 
using his Helm of Time Travel & Teleportation [8764, +99,003] and 
disappeared from the past.

"Wait!  Please!  Come back!  Most Worthy One!!  Please!"  The Elders 
prayed and prayed, but it was no use.  They would never learn the 
Meaning of Existence.  Eld-Ar the Elder touched the last place Munchkin 
Man had stood and then Eld-Ar the Elder wept.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April, 2008 AD --
LNHHQ, Net.ropolis --

Kid Anarky lying in his bed looked at the old picture of his Net.Patrol 
buddies.  The picture had been taken a week before Lost Cause Boy had 
died.  Causie.  Pliable Lad and Curly were also in the picture.  Weird. 
  There should have been someone else in the picture.  Shouldn't there 
have been?  Kid Anarky put the picture down on his bed.  They were all 
gone.  He was the last one.  The last member of the Net.Patrol.  Maybe 
he could start a new one.  Nah.  Who would remember?  Better to just 
leave it dead.

 From out of nowhere, his Claymore suddenly popped into his hand.  Where 
did that come from?  He hadn't seen that in a long time.  Something must 
be up.  Christ.  What did it matter to him.  He felt a chill inside him. 
  A trenchcoat.  He felt strange urge to wear a trenchcoat.  Weird.

Kid Anarky dropped the Claymore on his bed and stumbled off of it.  He 
walked over to his closet.  There was nothing in there.  No trenchcoats. 
  They were all at the cleaners.  Except -- this one, he thought as he 
brushed his hand over the fuzzy pink trenchcoat.  He pulled it off the 
hanger.  Why did he still have this one?  Who had given it to him?  He 
put the fuzzy pink trenchcoat up to his nose and took a whiff.  Christ. 
  The Catgirl.  There was a catgirl.  He couldn't remember who she was. 
  No.  Sometimes he could.  When he was incredibly drunk.

He slipped the fuzzy pink trenchcoat on and closed the closet door.  He 
looked over to his bed.  The Claymore had disappeared.  Hah, typical.

He looked at the carpet near the door.  Weird.  Cigarettes.  Where did 
those come from?  He began to pick them up and opened his door.  More 
cigarettes.  They were forming some kind of trail.  He followed the 
trail picking up more cigarettes.  Wow, I must be really bored, he thought.

The last cigarette in the trail was half of one.  Split in half.  What 
happened to the other half?  It all led to a wall that was shimmering 
some psychedelic colors defying the beigeness of the world around it. 
Kid Anarky touched it.  Some type of portal.

Okay.  Let's see here.  The smart thing to do would be to get some of 
the LNH experts here so that they could figure what this thing was, he 

But hell -- since when did he ever do the smart thing?  I mean come on!

Kid Anarky walked straight through the portal.  Pink Fuzzy Trenchcoat 
and all.

The portal vanished a little bit afterwards.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

April 2008 AD --
LNHHQ, Net.ropolis --

Contraption Man, Dr. Stomper, Irony Man, Occultism Kid, and Ripping 
Dancer flashed into the LNH's Starship Hangar Bay.  All five collapsed 
on the floor.  The euphoria that they had felt when they had gone to 
1994 was completed drained by the oppressive beigeness that loomed over 

Ripping Dancer clutched her stomach.  She felt like throwing up.

"Ripping Dancer?  Are you all right?" asked Dr. Stomper.

She shook her head.

Dr. Stomper helped her up.  "We need to get her some medical help."

Contraption Man shook his head.  "No time for that.  Something very bad 
is going to happen in the next few minutes.  We need to take this 
starship and get the hell out of here."

Dr. Stomper eyed Contraption Man.  "What's going to happen?"

"Trust me -- something bad.  And we can't do anything to fix it. 
Ripping Dancer will have a better chance on the ship.  Trust me." 
Contraption Man opened the hatch to the Starship Snobbie (named after 
deceased member Comic Snob Boy)

Irony Man and Dr. Stomper helped Ripping Dancer into the ship.

"Occultism Kid?  You coming on board?"  Contraption Man watched as 
Occultism Kid appeared to be urinating on one of the LNH Space.thingees. 
  Contraption Man had a bad feeling that the NTB retcon on Occultism Kid 
was still taking effect.

"Yeah.  What the hell.  I assume that thing has a totally stocked up 
liquor cabinet?"

Contraption Man gave a sigh.  "Just strap yourself in.  Everyone strap 
yourself in."

A few minutes later, the hangar doors opened up and the LNH Starship 
Snobbie blasted off.  A few minutes later it was past Earth's orbit.

And just at that moment, Renegade Programmer pushed a button that caused 
the Sincerity Satellite to start bathing the Loonivearth with sincerity 

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --

Kid Recap looked at the frozen ice block that Bart was still trapped in. 
  Was that it?  Was it that simple?

There were still problems though.  He had 15 fully powered Dvorakians 
with him.  Maybe they could stay here for a week or so, so the Glory 
virus could finish them off.  Then there would also be the Dvorakians in 
the present that they'd have to deal with, although since Ultimate Ninja 
would hopefully get his memory back that would be his problem.  What 
else?  Oh yes.  He was going to have leave 70 or so members here since 
they would have to siphon gas from two of the ships to get the three 
remaining ships back to the present.

But in the end, at least they didn't have to fight Bart.  At least they 
had avoided that one pot hole.  As Kid Recap watched the Elders praying 
for Munchkin Man to return, he heard something.

A cracking sound?  Probably the ice.  Just the ice cracking because of 
the temperature.  Just the...

Kid Recap looked back at the ice block, which was now a number of pieces 
of ice.  And no Bart.  No Bart?  No Bart!!!!

Kid Recap scanned the horizon and then he saw it.  A man flying in the 
air.  A man in Bart's Dark Receptionist costume.

Oh hell.

Bart floated closer.  His skin crackled lightening.  His eyes looked 
like they had entire galaxies imprisoned in them.  And the smile on his 
face -- well, the less said about that the better.

Bart waved his hand as he looked at the burlap sack containing the Ring 
of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet.  "Oh.  You can have those if you want. 
  I don't need them anymore."

"You can all go on your merry way if you want."  A ball of energy began 
to crackle in his left palm.  His eyes seemed more interested in the 
energy ball than the LNH.

And then as if realizing that the LNH was still there, "Oh.  You don't 
want to leave?  You want to stay?  Perhaps worship me?  Build me a 
church or something.  No?  Oh.  You want to fight.  Yes.  You want to 
die.  I understand."  Bart laughed.  "I understand completely."  The 
energy ball disappeared from his hand.

"Ultimate Ninja!  Kill him!" shouted Kid Recap.

The Ultimate Ninja hurled a number of Ninja Bushes and then twirled and 
flipped his body towards Bart.  The Ultimate Ninja tried a number of 
moves, but nothing worked.  And then Bart lunged into the Ultimate 
Ninja's chest.  And he pulled out the Ultimate Ninja's beating heart. 
His real beating heart.  He dropped the Ultimate Ninja's body on the 
ground and looked at the heart for a few seconds.  And then he dropped 
the heart.  "Hmm.  The Ultimate Ninja is dead.  That was -- hmm -- That 
was very -- easy.  Funny.  For some reason -- thought it would be 
harder.  I always imagined it being a lot harder than that.  Oh well." 
He did something that caused all the blood on his hand to vanish.

And then he rubbed his hands.

Bart smiled.  "Okay.  Who's next?"

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****
                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

NEXT:                A lot of dead LNH'rs!

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****
                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins, 
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger" 
Kogutt, used with permission...

Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt

Qwerty and the Dvorakians - Drizzt


Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Kid Recap - Josh Geurick
Munchkin Man - ????
Procrastination Boy - ???
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Renegade Programmer - wReam
Ultimate Ninja - wReam

Secret Retcon Hour Team:

Amnesia - Drizzt
Contraption Man - Drizzt
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Hexadecimal Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer

Legion of Net.FreedomLovers:

Barrage - Rob Rogers
Head Honcho Master - Arthur Spitzer
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
          (mite) - Arthur Spitzer
The Robot with Lawrence Welks Brain - Arthur Spitzer
Rumor Monger - wReam
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer

Legion of Net.Hippies - Arthur Spitzer

Writer's Notes:

For those who are confused by this...


Probably won't help.

How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia?  :)

Oh, I do realize that Summer is Winter in Australia...

Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this?  (Well more like 7 
months to procrastinate and one month to write).  Uhhggggg.  I mostly 
blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of 
this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to 
get this finished.  Since I do have the ability to write at least 4000 
words a week, this should have only taken me 4 weeks at the most.  I'm 
hoping the next one will come out faster.  I'm giving myself an ultimate 
deadline of April 29, 2011 for the whole series.

As for the stuff in this...

Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing 
on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again. 
Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.

You know your story is a mess when you have to distinguish 1994 AD from 
1994 BC...

Why Retcon Hour?  Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Retcon Hour for those of you who haven't been reading the LNH since 1994 
was a massive crossover involving time travel and massive retcons. 
Contraption Man working for wReamicus Maximus betrayed the LNH and stuff.

Here's some more about it...

Don't think you have to read it though to understand this issue though...

All this happened in the summer between my highschool years and my 
college years...

All the stuff about Crocodile Dundee hats and Munchkin Man seemed 
funnier in my head.

I did finally realize what Munchkin Man's greatest weakness is: Negative 
exp points.  Those are killer.

Freezing Bart for a million years was Lalo's idea.  Had my doubts about 
it at first, but since Lalo was still going to write this arc back then, 
I figured he could do whatever he wanted.  That being said, I will admit 
that it solved a lot of problems so probably just as well that he 
thought it up.

Till next time then.

Arthur "Blahhhh!" Spitzer

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