LNH: Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #5: The TEB of 1-4!

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Thu Apr 1 22:09:21 PDT 2010

Sorry, about posting this again...

I wanted to get the picture at Wil's site, which
is why I called this #5... but I guess it decided
to ignore the first # sign...

See if I can get the picture this time...




Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon -- April 1, 2010, Paris, France.

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            Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon TEB

                           By Arthur Spitzer

                  The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
              Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #1

             "The Komodo Dragon That Barked -- Easter!"

The Ultimate Ninja stretched his arms and gave a yawn as he walked into 
the LNHQ's lobby.  He was still recovering from the Gigantic Cheeezus 
Cake Christ Good Friday, which had happened just yesterday when a 
radical sect of Opus Dei followers unleashed a gigantic rampaging 
sentient red-wine-communion-wafer cheesecake statue of Jesus Christ on 
the citizens of Net.ropolis.  Fortunately, Cheesecake Eater Lad (with 
the help of a giant cosmic fork that Kid Kirby made) was able to devour 
the entire monstrosity.  Alas, there was a cost.  Cheesecake Eater Lad 
was locked away in one of the LNHQs bathrooms.  And he'd probably be in 
there for a week at least.  The Ultimate Ninja just hoped today would be 
uneventful.  The ninja guessed though that the LNH would be needed for 
crowd control at the grocery stores to keep the Peep junkies and Cadbury 
Egg addicts from killing each other.

As he stepped into the lobby for a cup of coffee and to brief the 
receptionist Kyoko Ishikawa on a few items, he sensed that something was 
afoot.  A bunch of LNH'rs were loitering around the receptionist desk 
laughing and fooling around.  This was never a good sign.  What were 
they doing?  Their attention seemed to be focused on something.  Some 
kind of animal.  A Komodo Dragon?

The Ultimate Ninja cleared his throat.

"Oh, hi UN!  Didn't see you there.  Isn't this guy just the coolest!" 
responded Cannon Fodder pointing to the large Komodo Dragon lying in the 
lobby wearing an Easter Bonnet on its head.

The Ultimate Ninja gripped the hilt of his katana blade tightly.  "What 
in hell is this Komodo Dragon doing here?  Don't you people realize how 
dangerous these animals are?"

"Relax, UN.  This isn't *any* ordinary Komodo Dragon.  This is Eggplant 
the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!  He wouldn't hurt anyone.  He's here 
to teach us about the true meaning of Easter because we've lost our way. 
  You see, Easter -- it's not about coloring eggs and hiding them, it's 
not about eating those weird marshmallowy peeps, or eating jelly beans, 
or rabbits named Peter Cottontail.  No, it's about something deeper. 

"Cannon Fodder, you idiot!  He's getting ready to attack you!" shouted 
the Ultimate Ninja.  "Get away from there!"

"You're judging him by his appearance, UN.  He just wants to teach us, 
UN.  Look I'll prove it."  Cannon Fodder walked up close to the Komodo 
Dragon and gently put his hand on the lizard's head.  And that's when 
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon lunged at Cannon Fodder's 
throat.  The Komodo Dragon's powerful jaws sank its into Cannon Fodder's 
tasty neck.  Blood started spurting out as Cannon Fodder struggled to 
escape.  The Ultimate Ninja quickly jumped in the air and tackled the 
giant lizard and pried the animal's jaws away from Cannon Fodder.  Then 
the Ultimate Ninja repeatedly stabbed Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo 
Dragon with his ginsu blade till the beast was finally slain.  Alas, he 
was too late to save Cannon Fodder who had a heart attack caused by a 
long life of unhealthy eating habits.

There was silence as the room full of shocked LNH'rs just stared at the 
corpses of Cannon Fodder and Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon 
lying on the cold blood soaked floor.

Eventually, Deductive Logic Man examined the body of Eggplant the Easter 
Miracle Komodo Dragon.  Taking his pipe out of his mouth he used it to 
point to the lizards mouth.  "Ah-ha!  Now I see the problem.  If you 
look closely -- you'll notice that Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo 
Dragon has a tiny little black mustache -- which means... This isn't our 
"Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon" -- but in fact this is the 
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon from an Alt.er.net Universe 
where all the "Holiday Miracle Pets" are corrupt and evil."

"Well," said a relieved Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad.  "That explains 

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                  The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
              Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #2

                    "The War on -- Easter!!!!!!"

8:27 AM Net.ropolis Time

A group of hooded men hovered over an operating table.  Strapped down to 
the table was what appeared to be a big lizard.  A Komodo Dragon. 
Strapped on its head was what looked to be one of those 
brain-transferring helmets.  Various wires were also inserted into him.

Right above him stood the leader of the cult.  The cult leader's hands 
held a severed goat's head dripping with blood.  The blood dripped down 
onto the body of the komodo dragon.  The rest of the cultists were 
chanting 'Separation of Church and State' over and over again.

The cult leader started to speak as he raised the goat's head high. 
"You are no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.  You are 
no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!  No.  You are now 
and forever -- Eggplant the Spring Festival Komodo Dragon!!  You shall 
become a beloved icon for all the children of the world -- not just the 
Christian children -- who can be safely displayed in any public school. 
  Yes.  Hindu children.  Moslem children.  Buddhist children.  Even 
Atheist children.  And..."

"Enough!"  Suddenly the cellar door burst open.  The cultists looked up 
to see who was interrupting their very sacred ritual.  "Secular 
Humanists!!  No more shall you make war upon the Holiday of Easter!!  No 
More!!  It is Time.  Time -- For some Bible Lessons!!!"  The Preacher 
then took out a rather oddly shaped bible from his coat -- A boomerang 
shaped bible -- and hurled it at the goat head.  The goat head fell and 
the bible continued on its path smacking each cult member in the head 
and then finally returning itself back to the Preacher's hand.

"No!" the head cultist screamed.  "You're interfering with out right 
to..."  But before he could complete that sentence a kung-fu punch from 
the Preacher sent his jaw and rest of him down on floor like a sack of 

The rest of the cultist swarmed him, but the Preacher was a 
one-man-kicking-ass-and-taking-names machine.  And when the last cultist 
fell, the Preacher took out an axe like cross from one of his pockets 
and used it to slice away the shackles that imprisoned Eggplant the 
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.

"You are free -- Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!  Free once 
more to teach the world the true meaning of Easter."

And Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon gave the Preacher a nod of 
appreciation.  He crawled over to where his Easter bonnet was placed and 
put it back on his head.  And then he proceeded to rip out the throats 
of all of the Secular Humanist cult members.

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                  The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
              Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon

                             "Beige Easter"

Espayola, Net.Mexico --

A beige gloved hand held the beige egg between the index finger and 
thumb.  "I wonder what kind of sick bastard does this.  Beige!  All of 
them!"  The gloved hand put the egg back into its beige carton filled 
with eleven more eggs that were a similar color.

"Who you 'spose is responsible, Sarge?" said a rookie cop by the name of 

"I don't know, Kid.  I guess someone who likes the color beige.  You're 
going to need to put on some gloves, Kid.  These eggs -- anything that 
touches one turns beige.  Anything!"  The more experienced cop who went 
by the name of Sarge demonstrated this effect by touching a yellow 
pencil to one of the eggs.  The pencil turned beige.

"And it's not just that they're beige on the outside.  Check this out!" 
  Sarge cracked open one of the eggs and poured the contents into a 
Styrofoam cup.  The cup turned beige and inside the cup was a beige yolk 
surround by a beige egg white.

"Could I take a look at it, Sarge?"

"Sure, Kid," Sarge said handing Kid the cup.  "Just be careful not to -- 
Geeze Louise!  What the hell did you just -- Oh, God!"

Kid wiped beige egg white off his lips, which were now beige lips. 
"Just wondered what it tasted like, Sarge.  Something wrong?"

"Why did you drink that you numbskull!  Now your teeth and tongue are 
beige!  You nimrod!"

"Oh.  I thought the gloves were supposed to protect me from..."

"They protect your hands!  Your hands -- not your -- Oh, Jesus!  Well, 
since you did it -- what did it taste like?"

"What did what taste like?"

"The egg!  What did it taste like?"

"Kind of like raw egg.  With a hint of beige."

Sarge rolled his eyes while taking off his Sarge hat to slap Kid on the 
head with it, but before he could do that a tune filled the 'Guns, 
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart'.  A hippity, hoppity, hopping down the bunny 
trail kind of tune.  It was followed by the sound of a komodo dragon 
wearing an Easter bonnet on its head and number of FBI agents bursting 
into the room with guns a blazing.

"It's Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon, Sarge!" shouted Kid.

And another tune started to play from the opposite side of the 'Guns, 
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart'.  A tune that would give a tear in your eye and 
you'd wonder why for it never should be there at all.  Like the morn in 
Spring.  And a lilt of Irish laughter.  A tune that could make the world 
seem bright and gay.  That could steal your heart away.  This was 
followed by the sound of a ferret wearing a green leprechaun style hat 
and a number of CIA agents who also were bursting into the room with 
guns a blazing.

"And Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret!  Damn!" Sarge said 
with disbelief in his eyes.

"Wow!  Two Holiday Miracle Pets -- in the same room!  And the FBI and 
CIA!  This whole beige egg thing must be bigger than we thought, Sarge!"

Both the FBI and CIA agents aimed their guns at each other shouting for 
the other to, "Put down your guns!"  But neither side was willing to do 

"What's going on Sarge?!  Aren't the FBI and CIA supposed to be on the 
same side!?  What's with the whole Mexican standoff!?"

"I was afraid something like this might happen.  You see, Kid.  There's 
a history between Eggplant and Cabbage.  A history that might kill 
everyone in this room!"

"What do you mean, Sarge!  What kind of history?"

"There was a time long ago when Cabbage and Eggplant were friends.  Best 
friends.  This was before they both got their Holiday Miracle Pet 
powers.  They were just an ordinary komodo dragon and ferret.  Both 
working for the FBI.  And then something happened.  A woman.  A 
beautiful women by the name of Shirley Knott."

"Shirley Knott?!"

"Hey -- I swear -- I'm telling you the truth.  Now, where was I?  Ah, 
yes.  Shirley Knott.  Eggplant was in love with her.  And so was 
Cabbage.  And I think Shirley -- well, Shirley was in love with both of 
them.  Maybe if she could have decided which one she loved more -- maybe 
that would have ended the trouble.  Or maybe if the Loonited States 
allowed polyandrous marriages for three different species -- maybe that 
would have settled the bad blood.  But -- it didn't go that way.  Nope. 
  And what happened next, well, no one could have probably seen it."

"You see, Shirley was a Federal witness for a gruesome crime.  And 
Cabbage was supposed to protect her.  But he failed.  And she died.  The 
killer was never caught.  Eggplant went kind of crazy after that never 
forgiving Cabbage for his failure to protect Shirley.  Cabbage quit the 
FBI and joined the CIA.  And I guess the wounds still haven't healed."

"Wow, Sarge!  How did you know all that?!"

"Because I read, Kid.  The Net.ional Net.qui.error and Mid.Net Star. 
Because they tell it like it is.  And because my wife buys them and I 
need something to read when I'm taking a dump."

"Look Sarge!  I think the FBI and CIA are making a truce.  They've got 
there guns down.  And look!  Eggplant and Cabbage are moving towards 
each other!  Maybe they're going to make peace!"

"I sure hope so.  Because right now they need to put aside whatever 
issues they have with each other because solving this beige egg mess 
before it destroys Easter is the most important thing!  They need to 
think about the kids, Kid!"

"Aw, Cabbage has his little tiny ferret arms out!  I think he wants to 
give Eggplant a hug!  And Eggplant -- he's opening up his mouth -- and 
-- Oh god!  Eggplant just swallowed him!  Oh god!  This is horrible! 
Eggplant just ate Cabbage!"

Sarge quickly pulled out his gun.  "Stop!  Eggplant!  Put your claws 
down!  Put them down!  I'm ordering you to spit out Cabbage!  Spit him 
out!  I don't care what he did to you or who you are!  You're not above 
the law!"  All of the FBI and CIA agents began pointing their guns at 
each other again.

"Wait, Sarge!  I think Eggplant is trying to tell us something!"

"Okay, Eggplant.  Spill it.  What?  Are you -- are you saying that 
wasn't the real Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret?  Then who? 
  Oh.  Oh my!  It -- it was a Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle 
Ferret from an alternate earth where Hitler won WWII?  A world where all 
of the Nazis had magic powers and -- so he was a magical nazi ferret? 
And he was behind the beige eggs plot!?  But why?  To ruin Easter for 
the Jewish Kids!?  My god!  But how do I know what you're saying is 
true?  The eggs!?  They're back to normal?!"

"Eggplant's right, Sarge!  The eggs are no longer beige, but a rainbow 
of colors!  Easter is saved!  Again!"

"Well, I'll be damned!  I guess the ferret was a magical nazi after all! 
  Sorry, Eggplant.  I'm sorry I ever doubted you!"

The FBI and CIA put down their guns and gave sighs of relief.

"Wow!  That was a close one, Sarge!  I thought we were all dead -- 
funny."  Kid watched Eggplant, and the FBI and CIA agents leave the 
store.  "You know, Sarge -- I guess I just never realized Jewish kids 
celebrated Easter."

"Me either.  But you know what kid?  That's what makes being a cop 
great!  You learn something new every day!"  Sarge gave a wink to the 

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                  The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
              Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #4

                      "The Book of Miracle Pets"

The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --

The writer scribbled something down in his notebook as he looked at the 
prisoner behind the super protective glass.  The prisoner looked a bit 
like one of those Dog Catcher types from some old cartoon.  Almost 
comical.  But not quite.

"You know -- the day he died, I laughed.  While the rest of the world 
was sobbing.  Not me.  Will admit though that some tiny part of me was 
sad.  Sad that I wasn't the one who had killed him.  Killed Cauliflower."

He called himself the Miracle Pet Catcher.  His real name was unknown. 
He had some cosmic Net that allowed him to trap Holiday Miracle Pets. 
But he didn't have that anymore.  Now he was just a fat man with a 5 
o'clock shadow in a prison uniform.  Locked away.

"We battled.  Cauliflower and me.  Once.  He won of course.  Every 
single day at 2:30 I have this urge.  This urge to drink Eggnog.  That's 
what he gave me.  I hate eggnog!!  I hate it!!!  Can't get rid of it 
though.  No doctor believes me.  But it's true.  Every damn 2:30. 
Nothing can stop it.  Nothing."

The writer spoke up.  "Why do you hate them?  The Miracle Pets?"

"Hate them?"  The Miracle Pet Catcher laughed.  "That's why you're here. 
  Isn't it?  To understand?  To understand them.  Yes.  You hate them 
too.  They've hurt you.  And you want to destroy them.  Destroy them all."

"I'm just -- writing a book.  Just a..."

"No.  It will take more than a book to destroy them.  A whole lot more. 
  But it will be a start.  You want to know why?  Why I hate them?  I'll 
tell you.  I'll tell you it all.  They judge us.  Every day.  Who gives 
them the right?  The right to decide who deserves miracles.  And who 
doesn't!  Who gives them the right?!!"

The writer scribbled that down onto his notebook and re-read it.  Yes. 
Who gives them the right.

"They're so cute and adorable.  That's what the fools think.  They worm 
into our hearts.  And they grow -- devouring everything.  Every part of 
us.  They want to enslave us.  To take all of our Precious Bodily 
Fluids!!!  That's their Ultimate Plan!!  Yes!!!"

"Umm.  Okay.  Think I've got enough for my..."

"I'll break free from this cage!  Someday!  And then I'll get them all! 
  Catch them all!  And take them back to my Holiday Miracle Pet Pound 
and -- Muhahahhahahaahha!!!!" screamed the Miracle Pet Catcher as he 
laughed and laughed not realizing that interview was over.

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

The writer, whose name was Will Winters, was sitting in a cafe looking 
over his notes.

"So what's your story, hon?" said a waitress in her mid thirties holding 
a half filled pot of coffee.

Will looked up at her.  You want to know my story?  How I used to be a 
reporter for Mid.Net Star till I got downsized out of my job?  How this 
wedding ring that I'm still wearing used to mean that I was married to 
the love of my life till she divorced me and took my house and 
everything?  How my daughter -- my daughter.  My sweet daughter.

Will closed his eyes and then opened them back up.

Finally he said, "Just a man in search of an apple pie."  He smiled at her.

The waitress winked at him.  "Coming right up, hon."

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

Will Winters was back in his hotel room.  He was in the border city of 
Espayola, Net.Mexico.  Supposedly last year around this time at a 'Guns, 
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart' two Holiday Miracle Pets, along with a number of 
FBI and CIA agents had battled each other there.  He had come here to 
check it out, and maybe interview one of the local cops who had been on 
the scene.  At least that was the plan.

He looked at his laptop.  Why was he writing this stupid book?  Didn't 
the world already have enough books about the Holiday Miracle Pets? 
Every housewife and their uncle had written one by now.  He walked over 
a suitcase he had on his bed and opened it up.  It was full of books. 
Full of stupid Miracle Pet Books.  There was 'Getting Rich the Miracle 
Pet Way!'  'The Cauliflower Method for Tighter Abs!'  'Did Cauliflower 
kill JFK?'  'Men are Eggplants, Women are Radishes!'  And bunch of other 
wastes of trees.  But in not one of these was the answer.  No one could 
tell him why.

He took a dvd out from his suitcase and slipped it into his laptop.  A 
few minutes later, an interview appeared.  It was Misty Summers on 
Oprah.  2005.  A year after Cauliflower the Miracle Pooch had died.  He 
started to watch it and then he clicked it off.  He couldn't watch it. 
Maybe later.  Maybe tomorrow.

He sat on his bed and took his shoes off.  He grabbed the hotel's remote 
and turned the TV on.  Need to forget.  Forget the world.  It was the 
news.  No.  He didn't want to watch the news.  He had heard enough about 
the crap economy.  About how everyone was losing their jobs.  About the 
Growing Job Blackhole that Hex Luthor had created that no one could 
stop, not even Barack "Ultimate Savior" Obama.

He clicked to a few more channels.  He stopped at one that had girls in 
bikinis chainsawing dinosaur ice sculptures.  This was more like it.  He 
walked over to his fridge and took out a can of Mr. Paprika.  He went 
over to his suitcase a dug out a bottle of vodka.  He unwrapped the 
plastic wrap on one of those plastic Hotel cups, grabbed some ice out of 
the ice bucket and poured the two drinks together in the glass.

He looked back at the TV.  No more girls in bikinis.  Just a stupid 
commercial.  He reached for the remote, but hesitated.

<<It's coming!!  Egg-Ageddon is almost here!!  The Egg Hunt to end all 
Egg Hunts!!  The Easter Cruise to end all Easter Cruises!!  Yes, Kids!! 
  Gets your Parents!!  Because you don't want to miss this!!  Everyone 
will be there!!  Hip Rocking Bands -- The Peep Junkies!!  Cadbury Egg 
Suicide!!  The Eggles!!  And that's not all!!  The Easter Bunny!!  The 
Easter Chicken!!  The Easter Duck!!  The Easter Llama!!  Jesus "Egg" 
Christ!!  Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat!!  Kathy Lee Gifford!!! 
Mel Gibson!!  Charo!!!  And for the First Time Ever -- Eggplant the 
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!  Yes!!  I'm not Egging with you!! 
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!>>

<<It's going to be Egg-Credible!!  Egg-Mazing!!  SpEgg-tackluar!!  It 
will make you Egg your pants!!  So tell your parents!!  Tell them that 
we've got a 24 hour bar and casino!!  Non-stop drinking and gambling!! 
They don't want to miss the cruise!!  You don't want to miss this 
cruise!!  Because if you do, you'll always feel bitter about it.  Yes. 
Bitter till the end of your life!!  So don't miss it!!!!!>>

Will clicked the TV off.  He was going on that cruise.  He had to.

Maybe it would all finally make sense.

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

Will looked over the edge of the rails.  At the swaying salt water. 
Suddenly, he could hear a commotion coming.  A mob of people were 
walking by.  He saw people snapping photos at someone.  There were men 
in black suits wearing black sunglasses and there were escorting someone 
or something.  It was lizard.  A big lizard wearing an Easter bonnet! 
It had to be Eggplant!  This was his chance!

He rushed over to the entourage and pulled out an old press card he had 
and began to wave it.  "Hey!  Eggplant!  Could I get an interview!? 
Could I...?"  The entourage stopped and one of the black suited men, a 
rather large towering figure walked over and grabbed the press card from 
Will's hand.

The black suited man looked at the card and snorted.  "Pressarazzi, huh? 
  Mr. Eggplant doesn't answer questions!  Now back off, buddy!"  He 
pulled his gun out and pointed at Will.  "You understand?"

Will nodded and backed away.

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

This had been a waste of money.  Will looked at the scotch he was 
drinking.  The band Cadbury Egg Suicide was playing (or mangling) Frank 
Zappa's 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'.  Why did he go on this stupid 
cruise?  There was no way he was going to get that interview with 
Eggplant.  And the other Holiday Miracle Pet that was supposed to be on 
this cruise?  What was his name?  Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat? 
  Turned out he wasn't even on the boat.  Supposedly, he was in some 
rehab clinic in Tucson.

He had spent everything he had on this cruise.  God.  Nothing to do now, 
but drink.  He looked around the bar.  Just aging Baby Boomers all 
looking bored out of their skulls.  This was nothing like an episode of 
the Love Boat.  Wasn't Charo supposed to be here?  He hadn't seen her.

He gestured to the bartender for another drink.  As he did that, a huge 
bang rocked the bar.  What was that?  A bomb?  Terrorists?  More bangs 
followed like giants were pounding on the roof.  What was going on? 
People were starting to rush outside.  He could hear screams.  He 
decided to see what was happening.

As he walked out into the open, he could see objects flaring down from 
the sky.  It was a Meteor Shower.  Burning rocks in a rainbow of colors 
were raining down on there ship.  It was surreal.  He had never seen 
anything like this.  People were running around screaming.  Someone 
shouted, "The LNH Will Save Us!!" right before a chunk pulverized them.

Christ!  He had to get out of here!  He had to...

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

Will opened his eyes up.  It was day time.  Where was he?  He looked 
around and saw that he was on an inflatable raft with a number of other 
people.  And a big lizard wearing an Easter Bonnet.  How did he get 
here?  The Meteor Shower.  His head hurt.

A man in a labcoat was talking.  "Based on my readings of my GPS.thingee 
I'd say we're somewhere in the Hypothetical Situation Sea of the fabled 
Easter Island trapezoid (Like the Bermuda triangle -- only more 
trapezoidy).  It's a place where Hypothetical Situations become real. 
Looking at the supplies we have, I'd say we have enough supplies to make 
it to land for eleven people and a Komodo dragon."

"But wait," said another guy.  "There are twelve of us and a Komodo dragon!"

The scientist nodded.  "I know.  Sadly, one of us is going to have to 
get off the raft."

"Wait!  This is insane!" disagreed another person.  "Maybe you're wrong!"

"No, I'm afraid he isn't.  I'm a scientist too," another man said 
pointing to his labcoat.  "And my calculations are exactly like his." 
He showed everybody his calculator.  "One of us is going to have to get 
off the raft."

"What about the lizard?  He's not human!"  Eggplant gazed at the man who 
had spoke.  He just gazed and gazed.  Occasionally his lizard tongue 
would slither out.

Scientist #1 shook his head.  "It would be pointless.  Holiday Miracle 
Pets don't need to eat or drink.  The Power of Easter gives Eggplant all 
his nourishment.  Besides, he'd most likely just kill anyone who tried 
to push him off.  No.  It will have to be one of us."

"How about the Fat Guy then?  He's taking up too much space!" shouted 
someone else.

"No!  Please!  I've got a glandular problem!  I can't help it!" cried 
the Fat Guy.

"Stop this!" shouted an incredibly old man in a priest outfit.  He had a 
bit of a German accent.  "This is madness!  What we're talking about! 
We're talking about murdering someone!  Murder!  For the love of God! 
What we should be doing is praying to God!  Only God can save us! 
Deliver us from this!  We must pray!  All of us!"

"Okay," said Scientist #1.  "We can try that.  Everyone, let's all pray 
to God to teleport us to civilized land in the next minute."  And 
everyone prayed.  Scientist #1 looked at his watch.  The minute ran out 
and nothing had happened.  "Well, that didn't work.  Okay, let's go back 
to figuring out who we're going to throw overboard.  Ideas people?"

"I can't believe you people!  God does not work that way.  God is..."

"Look priest guy," said Scientist #1.  "We tried your whole pray to God 
idea.  It didn't work.  Let's move on."

"Well, I believe it is traditional in situations like these to have 
every man draw straws and..." Scientist #2 started to say.

"And women!  You will not deny us a chance to participate in this straw 
drawing!  Not in the 21st Century!" said a women who was obviously a 

"Oh, nice work, Gloria Steinem!" said a women who obviously wasn't a 
feminist in a sarcastic voice.

"Cuchi-Cuchi!" said Charo.

"Hey.  I've got an idea.  Oh by the way, the name is Pister Maprika 
(Used to be called Mr. Paprika, but had to change it because of this 
legal battle -- long story [See the Omaha Project - ed].)  Anyway, I 
happen to be a billionaire that has a ton of money.  Here's my idea.  I 
give each one of you people a million -- oh what the hell -- two million 
(except for the person who gets thrown overboard) and I secure my place 
on this raft without having to draw a straw.  Oh and an extra million if 
you allow me to sleep with your wife (or husband as the case may be). 
Sound good?"

"Why you lousy coward!  I'll kill you and anyone who accepts your 
offer!" said a very angry man who was obviously a socialist.

"Hey.  Whoah.  It was just an idea."  Pister Maprika held his hands up 
innocently.  "Let's not get hysterical.  'Kay?"

Will wished he had his notebook with him.  All of this was gold.  This 
was an amazing story that was happening here.  And he was in the middle 
of it.  Assuming he survived this, he could write his own ticket from 
here on out.  Everyone would want to read this.  He'd be...

He felt a tap on his shoulder.  "Hey."  It was the person next to him. 
"Assuming we survive this -- could I get an interview with you.  I'm a 
writer for the Net.Yorker -- and I'm doing this book on the Holiday 
Miracle Pets and I wanted..."

"Hey Jake!  Thought I recognized you," said the man on the other side of 
Will.  "It's me -- Mick!  Rolling Stain Magazine!  Remember?  Hey, I'm 
also doing a Miracle Pet Book!  Small world, huh?"

"No, boys!  There can only be one Miracle Pet Book!  The Charo Miracle 
Pet Book!"  Charo shook her Maracas.  "Cuchi-Cuchi!"

Oh, this was great.  Of course.  Everyone on this damn raft was writing 
a book about the Holiday Miracle Pets.  He should have known.  He should 
just volunteer to throw himself overboard and get it over with.  But no, 
he couldn't even do that much.

But if it was him that they decided to throw overboard, he would ask 
Eggplant the question -- the question he was afraid to ask.  He'd do 
that much before he died.

Scientist #1 turned his back to everyone and proceeded to mix the 
straws.  After awhile he returned, his fist filled with straws.  Some 
high.  Some low.  "We'll go around clockwise.  Each pick a straw.  The 
one who gets the short straw -- well you know."  He looked at the water. 
  "You'll have to get off the raft.  Fat Guy.  You're first."

The Fat Guy hesitated.  Sweat poured down his neck.  Finally, he grabbed 
one of the closest ones.  It was long.  "Oh thank god!  Thank God!!" he 
said sighing with relief.

Scientist #2 was next.  He punched his calculator a few times and 
studied the number.  He held his breath.  He picked one of the middle 
straws.  It was long.  He breathed again.

"Ok.  Priest.  You're up.  Pick a Straw.  Any straw."  Scientist #1 held 
the straws near the Priest.

"No.  I refuse to do this.  This is monstrous -- what we're doing here! 
  People, think about this!  What we're doing here!  We can't do this! 
We can't kill another human!  It won't be worth it.  This will haunt you 
for the rest of your lives.  Please!  Just think about this!  That's all 
I ask!  Think about this!  We're human beings!  We're not animals! 
We're better than this!  God help us, we are.  Please!  Please," pleaded 
the Priest.

"We already decided, Priest.  It's one of us or all of us.  Pick a 
straw.  Pick a straw."

"No.  I won't do it!  I won't!  I..." but before the Priest could finish 
his sentence Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon leaped from his 
part of the raft and lunged at the Priest.  Eggplants jaws grabbed 
savagely at the Priest's throat.  Blood spurted all over the raft. 
After a few minutes Eggplant let go.  The Priest's head limped down.

"Oh god!  He killed that poor old man!  He killed him!" said Feminist 
Woman as her hand covered her mouth.

"No, wait!  I know that face!  The Priest's face!" said Scientist #2 as 
he took a black marker out of one of his pockets.  Scientist #2 went 
over to the dead Priest's head and using the marker gave the Priest a 
Hitler mustache.  "Yes!  I was right!  It's him!"  He then took out a 
photo from another pocket and showed it to the people on the raft. 
"This is a photo I have of what Adolph Hitler might look like if he had 
lived to be 119 years old.  See?  It's him!  Just without the mustache!"

Feminist Woman looked at the photo.  "Well, I'll be -- that is Hitler. 
Wow.  Eggplant killed Hitler.  He saved us from Hitler."

"That bastard Hitler -- he's finally dead!" said Angry Socialist Guy. 
"Three cheers for Eggplant!  Hip-hip hurray!  Hip-hip Hurray!  Hip-hip 

And everyone cheered for Eggplant.  Hitler had finally received justice 
for all of the horrible crimes he had committed.

"Wait!" Charo hollered.  "We should destroy Hitler's brain.  So no one 
can put it into a robot or super powered gorilla.  Cuchi-Cuchi!"

"Good idea, Charo," said Scientist #1 who used his pocket knife to carve 
into Hitler's skull so he could once and for all destroy Hitler's brain.

A week later, a plane spotted the raft and everyone was saved.  Except 
for Hitler.  Who was dead.  Finally.  Dead!  And his brain destroyed. 

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

And that's my story.

I did get a book deal and $50,000 advance.  Not much.  You'd think the 
story of Hitler's last cruise would pay a lot more.  But then I'm not 
Charo who got a $20 million deal for her version.  Oh well.  It will 
help pay my credit card bills.

Some people will call what happened a miracle.  If it was one, then it 
was a bit too late.

I never got to ask Eggplant my question.  Don't know if he would or 
could have answered it.  Probably not.

You want to know what my question was?  I had a daughter.  Clara.  Clara 
Winters.  My daughter had cancer.  And she was at the same hospital that 
Misty Summers was at.  The Misty Summers who Cauliflower the Christmas 
Miracle Pooch saved.  That one.  Why her?  Why not my daughter?  Why did 
my daughter have to...

That's my question.  And maybe it's a stupid human question.  A selfish 
question.  Why?

Who gives them the right?  The right to decide.  Which of us deserve 

I guess getting a $20 million book deal wouldn't change much.  It 
wouldn't answer that question.  It wouldn't make sense of everything.

I guess some people are lucky and some aren't.  Some girls get to grow 
up and some...

I don't know if I'll ever get that book I'm writing finished.  I don't know.

Getting rescued was like a flash of light.  But the light's over.  I 
don't know if there's ever going to be another light.  Maybe the tunnel 
will just keep getting darker and darker.

But hey.  Guess it could always be worse.

I mean at least I'm not Adolph Hitler.

That would suck.

The End.

                  OOooOO   OOooOO   OOooOO

Ultimate Ninja, Deductive Logic Man, Self-Righteous Preacher, and Cannon 
Fodder are wReam's

Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat -- Rob Rogers
The rest mine... (except Adolph Hitler and Charo)

Arthur "Have a happy Easter weekend!" Spitzer

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