LNH/ACRA: Pigs in Time #5: Bareback to the Future

[Martin Phipps]

2045 -- Japan

  "Rob, I've been thinking."
  "Mmm?"
  "I think we should try to get the time-cycle fixed."
  "Mmm."
  "I mean we're here in the future and there might be
people who would know how to fix it."
  "Mmm."
  "I think we should make an effort to get back to our
own time."
  "Mmm."
  "I think we need to focus on the mission and stop
wasting time."
  "Mmm."
  "Like for example this virtual reality porn.  I
think you need to stop looking at VR porn and start
thinking about how we're going to get home!"
Sarcastic Lad grabbed the VR helmet Master Blaster had
been wearing and removed it from his head.
  "Hey!"
  "Were you even listening to me?"
  "Sure I was!"
  "What was I saying?"
  "You were saying about how we should get the bike
fixed."
  "Well?"
  "Well, for starters, we don't speak Japanese, so how
are we supposed to find somebody to fix the bike, let
alone explain what's wrong with it."
  "True."
  "And, besides, the bike isn't broken.  It works just
fine."
  "Yeah," Sarc said, "if you don't mind appearing in
some random time and place as soon as you hit
eighty-five."
  "It does it's job," Master Blaster explained.
"Where ever we go, we always seem to get what we
want."  There was a precocious glint in his eye.
  "Again, true."
  "Besides, I don't think anybody in Japan ever
mastered time travel."
  "Why do you say that?"
  "Because if they had then there'd be Japanese
tourists taking pictures during all the important
events of history."
  "Fair enough," Sarc conceded, "but I still say you
sitting there watching VR porn is a waste of time."
  "Really?" Master Blaster said with a big smile.  "I
assure you it isn't.  You have no idea how good this
is!"
  "Hmm," Sarc mused, "in that case, can I look at it
when you're finished?"

Hours later...

  "So, how was it?"
  "I stand corrected," Sarc said.  "That was very...
entertaining.  So... we're going now, right?"
  "Yep," Master Blaster said, "the bike's all fueled
up and ready to go!  Get in!"
  "Where do you think we're going to end up next?"
  "No idea," Master Blaster said, "and that's part of
the fun!"  He started the bike.  "Hold on!"  Master
Blaster acclerated the motorcycle to eighty-five miles
per hour and it disappeared.

3000 BC - SUMER (now Iraq)

  "Here we are in Sumer, 3000 BC," Master Blaster said.
  "How do you know where and when we are?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
  "I just read the caption."
  Sarcastic Lad frowned.  "You can't do that!  You can't read
captions!  You're not Fourth Wall Lass!"
  Master Blaster thought for a moment.  "We're the Master Blaster and
Sarcastic Lad from 1995.  Had Saxon Brenton even introduced Fourth
Wall Lass in 1995?"
  "Doh!"
  "Anyway, it's ancient Sumer!  This is the time when women ruled and
men obeyed!"
  "You make that sound like it's a good thing."
  "Well, sure, as long as it's not a permanent thing.  I imagine they
must have had some skilled dominatrices back in these times."
  "Well, if you want a good dominatrix then you should go after a
woman with power."
  "Exactly!  I plan to find the queen and become her slave!"
  "But not permanently."
  "Of course not."
  Sarcastic Lad rolled his eyes.  "What's with you and queens anyway?"

  Master Blaster were able to get past their inability to speak the
local language and eventually get the local people to introduce them
to Queen Ishtar.

  "Ah!" she said to them.  "Welcome to Sumer!"
  "You speak English?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
  "Of course!" Ishtar said.  "I'm a goddess!"
  "You certainly are!" Master Blaster said.
  "I don't like this," Sarcastic Lad told Master Blaster.  "Don't you
think it is odd that she is speaking Modern English thousands of years
before the language ever came to be?"
  "Don't you think it's odd that you are worried about something so
trivial when she's got these enormous tatas?"
  "Fine!  You too have fun!"
  "You don't want to join in?"
  "The very fact that you even suggested that resulted in this issue
getting an Acraphobe label.  No, I'm going to be waiting outside."

Later...

  "Well, Rob, how was she?"
  "Great!" Master Blaster said beaming.  "I can
understand why this woman was worshipped like a
goddess!"
  "I am a goddess!" Ishtar told them.
  "Right," Sarcastic Lad said with a smile.
  "Well, thanks for the great time, Ishtar!" Master
Blaster said.  "We have to get going!"
  "You can't leave!" Ishtar said.
  Master Blaster smiled.  "You don't understand.  I'm
not one for commitment."
  "Hey!  Maybe she just wants one more go!" Sarcastic
Lad suggested.
  "No!" Ishtar insisted.  "I mean, you must stay...
permanently!"
  Master Blaster found himself unable to move.
"Hey... I can't move!"
  "You've been spending too much time with wReanna!"
Sarcastic Lad said, finding himself unable to move
either.
  "I told you I was a goddess!" Ishtar said.
  "Okay," Sarcastic Lad said, "but excuse us for
having come from a more cynical time.  When you say
'goddess', what exactly do you mean?  Do you mean
someone who has learned the mystic arts to the point
of becoming god-like?  Do you mean that you are a
mutant, a mutate or some other kind of metahuman with
powers that can be pseudo-scientifically explained
away?  Are we talking ancient alien astronauts like in
Footprints of the Gods or scientology teachings?  Or
are you the descendent of one of the above and, thus,
someone who inherited her powers naturally?"
  "If I tell you," Ishtar said with a smile, "then you
would try to use that knowledge against me."
  "I actually was kind of hoping to, yeah," Sarcastic
Lad admitted.
  "No such luck, I'm afraid," Ishtar said.
  "You know Sarc," Master Blaster said, "what we could
do with right now is some deux-ex-machima."
  "God from a machine?" Sarc said, translating the
latin.  "Sure.  Pull a god out of hat.  How else to do
with a so-called goddess?"
  "Will I do?" asked somebody with a French accent.
  "YOU!!!" Ishtar screamed.
  "I should point out that Martin is writing this
part," Master Blaster said.
  "Indeed," Sarc mused.  "I'm surprised Tom even
agreed to anything so cliche as having a character
appear from off and have the villainess recognize
him."
  "It is a useful device for creating suspense
though," Rob pointed out.  "I mean, the reader is
momentarily made confused and curious and then has to
read on to find out what's going on."
  "Well, yeah," Sarc said snickering, "especially with
us talking about the whole thing instead of letting
the story continue."
  "Yes, it's me... Jean-Claude Van Domelen!" the
French spandex-wearing Time Cop proclaimed.  "And you,
Ishtar, are under arrest for unlawful time travel!"
  "You mean she's really a time traveller from the
future?" Master Blaster asked.
  "That was going to be my next guess!" Sarcastic Lad
said.  "Really!"
  "She's no goddess!" the Time Cop explained.  "She
froze you in space using a lagnetic field generator
she brought back in time with her from the future."
  "Guilty!" Ishtar said, waving a device the size of a
cell phone.
  "Wow!" Master Blaster said.  "That's a lagnetic
field generator?  The Doc was designing one but he
said it would be the size of a small room!"
  "Yes," said the Time Cop.  "In our time, technology
is smaller."
  "What else is smaller?" Sarcastic Lad quipped.
"Sorry.  Can't help it.  It's my power."
  "Right," the Time Cop said dourly.  "Well, now I'm
going to have to take you back to your LNH HQ."
  "Are you sure you can't let us continue our
adventures?" Master Blaster begged.
  The Time Cop shook his head.  "You don't understand.
Our historical records show say that I, personally,
returned you back to your own time on the same day
that you left.  I am only doing what history already
says happened.  That is why we didn't stop Ishtar
sooner, because her actions already were part of our
history and couldn't be changed."
  "But if you had stopped us before then we wouldn't
have boffed all those British queens," Sarcastic Lad
pointed out.
  "Yes," the Time Cop said, "which is why I myself
realized that you had to continue on with your
travels.  What I said at the time was actually meant
to encourage you to go on.  I knew that I would get
another chance to stop you, because it had already
happened in our time."
  "Okayyy..." Sarc said.
  "So this is it?" Master Blaster said, sadly.  "This
is the end?"
  "I'm afraid so," the Time Cop said.  "I will take
you and Mr. Niceguy back to your LNH HQ in your own
time period.  Right now, in fact.  Of course, I'm
taking Ishtar with me too."
  "Well, at least I get a chance to say goodbye,"
Ishtar said sadly.
  "You know, if you're from our future," Master
Blaster said, "we could meet again."
  Ishtar laughed.  "But you'd be a very old man."
  "Right," Master Blaster said, "so the second time
around you'll be a lot younger than me, instead of the
other way around."  He beamed.
  Ishtar grimaced.  "On second thought, let's just get this
over with."

                      THE END