LNH: Beige Midnight #5: The Bart Age: 'Playing Dice with the Looniverse' (3/3)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Thu Sep 24 17:51:36 PDT 2009
Beginning of Part III
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The Ultimate Ninja glanced over the five Dvorakians that had teleported
onto his ship. For the most part they were utterly unremarkable --
except for the tallest one who seemed to be about nine feet high. He
had a long mane of blue hair and an eye patch over his left eye. He
walked over to greet them.
"So, this is the mighty Ultimate Ninja," laughed the one with the eye
patch. "I'm Major Poossee leader of this mission."
"Did you say *ahem* -- umm, Poossee? I suppose that means something
different in Dvorakian, right?"
"Actually, its meaning is even more insulting in Dvorakian. Or at least
it used to be. My father," a scowl appeared on Major Poossee's face,
"Gave me the name. My father was -- what's that lovely Loonivearthish
term. Ah, yes. An asshole. I suppose he thought the name would
toughen me up. And it did. And now -- it is the most feared name in
the entire Empire."
"I'll take your word for it."
"Of course not as famous as yours though. The Ultimate Ninja. Now,
there's a name that everyone in the entire Looniverse knows."
"If you say so."
"But it's true! Why -- when I was just a wee lad in the Academy I
remember reading about the battle at H'yddee'uzzz (Post-Infinite April
spelling of H'yddee'uz -- Footnote Girl). Your battle with the Ellipsis
King. And now I'm meeting you -- the Legend."
"I suppose you want an autograph."
"Oh no. Nothing like. We both are warriors. We are beyond such petty
nonsense like that. No. We have destinies. Yes. Linked destinies.
Some how I've always known it."
"Oh yes, a link. We will fight. This will happen. Nothing can stop it
from happening. And one of us will kill the other one. I've known this
for a long time. In fact I've prepared all my life for it. For this
battle." Major Poossee turned his attention to one of the ship's
windows and looked at the black void of space. "I was born in the wrong
time, you see. Now days -- now days the Royal Family..." He shook his
head. "They're just a bunch of simpering old maids blubbering about how
we should feel guilty for all the civilizations we've slaughtered all
the species we've made extinct. Weak! Sad, but true. I should have
been born a thousand years ago when being a warrior and a Dvorakian
meant something. We should be rulers of the Looniverse! But now we're
just a weak decadent aging Empire crumbling into oblivion. A
civilization that deserves to die. You understand don't you?"
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "You have a death wish. Very well. After
the mission is completed, you'll get what you want. We'll fight."
Major Poosee smiled. "Yes, we'll fight."
The ship headed towards the wormhole.
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Present Day --
The five LNH Starships landed on the dead surface of Qwerty. Nothing
was alive here -- except some hibernating microbe colonies living at an
empty Dvorakian research station. Everything else -- dead.
Parking Karma Kid manning the controls for the LNH Starship Ekko
Traveller noticed that something not quite alive was coming towards the
ships. "Ghosts! Ultimate Ninja, we've got Ghosts!" Parking Karma Kid
pointed frantically at the ship's ghost detector that was showing a
swarm of red dots racing at their ships.
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Qwertian ghosts. They must sense the
Dvorakians on our ships. Probably want revenge."
"Qwertian ghosts?" Major Poosee sneered. "What nonsense are you trying
The Ultimate Ninja ignoring that question turned his attention to
Parking Karma Kid. "PKK! Tell all the ships to put up the Ghost Force
Parking Karma Kid did that and afterwards hit a button. Although the
button wasn't the Ghost Force Field since this ship and the other LNH
ships didn't have one. The button was for the time boosters.
And after it was pushed, everything outside the ship started to go
backwards. And a dead planet lived once again.
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1,001,992 BC --
Kid Recap stumbled up from off the floor. The time jump had disoriented
him. Where was he? Ah, yes -- Qwerty. Ancient Qwerty. And because of
the Infinite April time barrier that his arch-enemy Amnesia had created
[See LNH Comics Presents #499: 'The Crimes of Amnesia' for more -- oh
wait! That hasn't been written yet. Sorry! -- Footnote Girl], he was
the only LNH'r that could remember anything about their mission. First
thing, get everyone off the ship.
He looked at all his confused and bewildered LNH colleagues also getting
off the floor. "Okay, Everyone! Outside!"
After managing to empty all of the ships and get all 250 or so members
together, Kid Recap spoke to the massive crowd.
"Okay first thing. Is there anyone here, besides me, who remembers
something -- anything about our mission? Anyone?"
"Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I do!" piped the annoying high pitched voice of a
blue midget who was wearing tons of armor, amulets, rings, cloaks, and
girdles. He also was carrying this huge sack of absurdly powerful
weapons and shields that was twice as big as him. He was the one -- the
only (thankfully) -- the (oh lord) -- Munchkin Man. "Thanks to my 'Ring
of Resist Amnesia (+9,999,999)! Don't leave home without one!"
Kid Recap rolled his eyes. "Well, I suppose that's something. Anyone
"I Demand Answers! Who are you!? What have you done to me?!!!!!!" said
a rather pissed off and scary Ultimate Ninja waving his Ginsu Katana in
a menacing fashion. "Give Them To ME!!!!!!! I Want THEM!!!!!!!"
Kid Recap gulped as he backed away some. "Look! Relax! Please Relax!
This is all hard to explain, but -- look -- look in your pockets!
There's a paper -- a paper written in each of your own handwriting that
explains everything!! It explains everything!! Just look it over!"
Kid Recap sighed a little in relief as the LNH'rs started looking over
their papers instead of lynching him. "I'm Kid Recap and you're the
Legion of Net.Heroes!! You fight bad guys and save the world!! We time
traveled to the past to fight this guy called Bart the Dark Receptionist
-- who used to be a receptionist for us, but turned evil. And when we
time traveled we hit this barrier called the Amnesia Barrier that causes
everyone except for people who have powers like me, or rings like
Munchkin Man, to forget everything. And well that's where we're at.
The Ultimate Ninja sniffed suspiciously at the paper he had. "This
looks like my writing, but I don't know -- it's too close. Too close to
my own hand writing style! I don't like it. This smells like a
forgery. And the content -- The Content is absurd! I'm the leader of
this stupid LNH? There's no way that's possible! I'm a lone wolf that
makes my own rules! The only thing I love is the smell of battle and
the feel of a freshly plucked heart pulsating in my hand!!" The
Ultimate Ninja crumpled the piece of paper in his hand and tossed it.
Kid Recap backed up even more as the angry Ultimate Ninja started to
head in his direction. "Look! It's all true! Honest! I know it
sounds insane -- but it's true! Look the only way you'll get back your
memory is to -- is to ummm..." It was probably not a good idea to
mention the time boosters on the Starships. "Oh yeah! Kill Bart!
That's it! Kill Bart! That will bring you're memories back!"
The Ultimate Ninja picked up Kid Recap by the tuft of his shirt. "Where
"Umm... I don't know! Really! He's somewhere on this planet! That's
all I know!"
"Fine." The Ninja dropped Kid Recap down. "I'll find him. And Kill
him. And I better get my memory back. Or else." With that said, the
Ultimate Ninja disappeared into the shadows of Qwerty.
Kid Recap wiped some sweat off of his brow. Well one problem solved.
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Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked over his own handwritten paper that
described his life. "Wow. This is amazing. I'm amazing. Look at
this." He showed the paper to Sarcastic Lad and Frat Boy. "It says
here that I'm a wealthy professional wrestling billionaire who invented
the Nacho, Day Light Savings Time, the Pet Rock, and the Ab Abber! I'm
the Man who put the Bomp in the Bomp-de-Bomp. A stunt double for
Charlie Rose. I have my own Ben and Jerry's ice cream:
'Easily-Discovered Frost-Bite'. I was a member of the Supreme Court for
a week before I quit because it was interfering with my globe trotting
playboy lifestyle. I won a Noble Prize in literature for my book,
'10,0001 of the Greatest Ninja Jokes Bathroom Reader!'. And I'm married
to the Laker Girls! Wow. I must be the most awesome person alive."
"Oh, right. That sounds totally true. Let me see that," said Sarcastic
Lad yanking the paper away. "This can't be true! You can't be married
to the Laker Girls! No way! I'm married to the Laker Girls! See!" He
shoved his own paper into Easily-Discovered Man Lite's face.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite's face was shocked and a little bit
distraught. "Could this be true? Have the Laker Girls been cheating on
me? My greatest love? A story for the ages? How could they? And
after all I did for them and their careers. Me, the Man who invented --
the Macarena!! Oh Cruel, cruel world!"
"Hey," said Frat Boy looking at his own paper, "It says here I'm also
married to the Laker Girls. Oh wait, no. Got that wrong. It just says
Lakers. Umm -- hmm. Guess that means I'm -- umm -- Nevermind." Frat
Boy quickly hid his paper.
Kid Recap burying his head in his hands finally screamed, "None of you
are married to the Laker Girls, or Lakers -- or whatever!!!!! I don't
know why you decided to fill your papers with a bunch of BS and lies --
but it's not true!! Not true!! Look you're Frat Boy -- you have the
power to make Frat Foods! You're Sarcastic Lad -- You have the power to
make Sarcastic Comments! And you're Easily-Discovered Man Lite -- and
you have the umm -- you're Easily-Discovered Man Lite."
"Wait! You're saying that *none* of this is true? I'm not a
billionaire, but just some jerk who obviously likes to play mind games
with his amnesiac future self? Is that what you're saying?" said
Easily-Discovered Man Lite taking it all in.
"Umm -- yeah, basically. Sorry."
"But I'm still a superhero, right? I've got powers, right? Like making
light beams or having the ability to easily discover objects? Right?"
"Umm -- umm not really. You don't have any powers as far as I know.
You're basically a sidekick who makes quips, tells Ninja jokes, and hits
bad guys with a spatula. And -- umm -- yeah, that about covers it."
Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked at the spatula in his hand. "Are you
serious? This is a joke, right? Right?! What am I -- a lunatic or
something? Wait. Am I? Am I mentally insane?"
Kid Recap looked at his watch. "Oh, look at the time. I better go talk
to the others. Later, guys!"
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Another LNH'r that Kid Recap couldn't recognize stopped him. "I can't
read my own hand writing! Who am I? Can you read any of this?" said
the guy who Kid Recap didn't know handing him his paper. Kid Recap
looked over the paper with very, very unreadable handwriting before
finally saying, "Ah, yes! You're umm -- Can't-Read-His-Own-Handwriting
Lad! Yeah -- that's who you are."
"Wait! That's who you said I was!" said another LNH'r with bad
handwriting who Kid Recap also didn't recognize.
"No. No. I said you were 'Unable-To-Read-His-Own-Handwriting Lad'.
Big difference. Umm -- I've got to talk to the others -- okay? Later."
Kid Recap quickly walked to another part of the camp.
"Hey you!" Kid Recap looked to see who was calling for him. It was one
of the Dvorakians. The one with the eye patch. Major Pussey or
something like that. What did they want?
"Umm -- something the matter?" said Kid Recap cautiously.
"We've looked all over, but there are no notes that tell us who we are.
Why is that?"
"Oh, yeah -- that. Umm -- well you see you're Dvorakians a very
powerful alien race that was supposed to help us on this mission. And
-- umm -- it's against your religion to makes notes reminding you who
you are. Umm -- yeah, that's it." In a way he was glad that the
Dvorakians couldn't remember anything. Well, hopefully they didn't
remember. Hopefully the Glory Virus didn't give them some type of super
memory type power.
"I see," said the Dvorakian with the eye patch.
"Am I a Dvorakian too?" said Dev-Null. "I don't have a paper either."
Damn, Kid Recap thought to himself. He had almost forgotten about
Dev-Null. The LNH had made a deal with Dev-Null, which was basically
that Dev-Null would give them all the info he had about Ancient Qwerty
and they'd take him there to see it. They forgot to tell him about the
whole amnesia side effect thingee. "Umm, no -- You're Qwertian although
you do worship the same religion and have the same taboo about reminding
notes." There was really no need to tell him the truth about himself.
That he was really a murderous intergalactic terrorist. "Your name is
Dev-Null. And you're the last son of Qwerty." No need to tell him
about his most hated cousin Myk-El either.
"But didn't you say this planet was Qwerty?"
"Uh yes, but we're in the past. You see in the present -- Qwerty is a
dead planet. Your parents sent you on a rocket to safety and sent you
to the Loonivearth where you became its greatest hero."
"I'm a hero?" said Dev-Null taking that in. "Its greatest hero?"
"Oh, yes. You've saved the Looniverse countless times. And now you've
come with us for one last battle. To beat Bart the Dark Receptionist
and retire in peace in Qwerty's past." Kid Recap wondered if stroking
Dev-Null's ego would work. Can you call someone a hero and thus make
them a hero? But in truth he was sure Dev-Null probably already thought
of himself as a hero. Whether as a self-proclaimed Freedom Fighting
Renegade battling a corrupt decadent Qwerty or taking revenge on the
Dvorakians for killing his people.
"Yes, a hero," said Dev-Null talking to himself and basking in his own
imagined glory. "But what powers do I have?"
"Oh, umm..." Kid Recap thought about this. What powers did Dev-Null
have? None that he could remember. He was a highly intelligent
Terrorist who could make weapons and bombs out of ordinary items. And
he was good at escaping from prisons. Sort of an evil intergalactic
version of MacGyver. "None really. Just super intelligence and the
ability to make and use any weapon."
"Well, guess you better give me some weapons."
"Umm, right. I'll take you to the armory." Hopefully, Dev-Null didn't
have super memory powers either, thought Kid Recap, Or this could all
turn out very bad.
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A few days later...
Kid Recap had made as much progress as he was probably going to with his
amnesiac LNH. He had told them all the details about the mission. And
now he was leading them on march to find Bart or King Qwert-El or
whatever he was calling himself. He didn't know what had happened with
the Ultimate Ninja. The Ninja hadn't returned.
He had a box in his hands. In the box was something that the LNH hoped
would stop Bart. It was something that Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad
had found in their trip to hell [See the Pigs in Hell Miniseries. Oh
wait! No one has written that either. Sorry -- Footnote Girl].
As he and LNH marched along a road, Kid Recap saw a horseman riding
towards them. The horseman looked sort of familiar. And then Kid Recap
realized he was looking at his own face. The horseman was an exact
match! What was going on here?
The Horseman looked slightly shocked when he saw Kid Recap's face too.
But he put his shock aside and spoke. "I bring a message from Our
Majesty -- King Qwert-El. We know who you are -- Sorcerous Devils. You
are The L, The N, and The H. You created the Devil God Hurrikhal to
inflict suffering on our people, but thankfully our King destroyed your
beast. And you, with your hoards of abominations have come to finish
Hurrikhal's works. But you will not succeed, for our King and his
Knights shall annihilate you like they obliterated Hurrikhal. My King's
message is a simple one. Leave or Die. That is all. Your time is
nigh." And with that said the Horseman rode off.
Kid Recap and the LNH continued to march on. And after a few miles they
finally saw what the Horseman had meant.
Across the Horizon were thousands of armored men and horses all with
arrows and swords pointed towards the LNH. Kid Recap noticed that many
of these men had faces just like various LNH'rs.
"Oh, man," said Kid Recap as King Qwert-El's army started to charge.
And he looked at the little box in his hands. The box that was supposed
to stop Bart.
The box with Bart's soul.
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NEXT: Return to Retcon Hour!
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Thanks to Andrew Burton, Scott Eiler, Martin Phipps, and Rob Rogers for
suggestions about Dvorakian Space Station and LNH Starship names... and
just like I promised -- You win nothing!
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Qwerty and the Dvorakians - Drizzt
Bad Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Easily-Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Frat Boy - uplink
Ghost of Flatulence Lad - Saint
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kid Recap - Josh Geurick
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Munchkin Man - ????
Nit-Pick Lad - ???
PC Person - Jay Leigh Volk
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Renegade Programmer - wReam
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
Spelling Boy - Bill Sherman
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Secret Retcon Hour Team:
Amnesia - Drizzt
Contraption Man - Drizzt
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Hexadecimal Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Legion of Net.FreedomLovers:
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
(mite) - Arthur Spitzer
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Dev-Null - Jim "Scowling" Cowling
Hurrikhal - Arthur Spitzer
RACCtre - Badger
Three Annoying Little Sisters - Tom Russell
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
For those who are confused by this...
Probably won't help.
And then there was one.
I seem to be the last writer writing Beige Midnight. Someone else was
supposed to do this arc. But oh well. Here it is.
It's probably all a confusing mess. There's time travel, clones, robot
duplicates, different planets, and a lot of other stuff. And next issue
we'll have Retcon Hour too.
Plus there's the references to stories that haven't been written yet.
Ideally, Beige Countdown #9 and 8 would be written now. It would have
had Bart turn all of the escapees from the Ultimate Black Hole (Except
for Dev-Null) into LNH Dice.
LNHCP #499, which will probably never be written (but if you want to be
my guest) would have had Amnesia create this big Amnesia barrier that
causes time travelers who try to go past it to the past to forget quite
Pigs in Hell, which also will probably never be written (be my guest
too) would have had Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad find something that
could be Bart's soul (or maybe not).
Oh, Hurrikhal. I needed some evil beast and it was either use him or
create something new.
Here's the story where he's from if you want to read it.
It's better written than this one. You don't really have to read that
to understand anything in this issue though -- I don't think.
This took so long to get out mostly because of Procrastination. I was
originally planning on writing all three parts of this arc before I
posted any, but since I'm not sure if I'll finish this before the year
ends I thought it might be better to post something so I can at least
say that I've posted more than one issue this year. Hopefully, the next
issue will be written a lot faster.
Blah. I don't know.
Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight!" Spitzer
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