[LNH] [CONTEST] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #30: "The Articulated Man!"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Nov 12 20:10:37 PST 2009


___ ___________________________
| |-|                          \
| |-| []                       /
| | | [] egion of              \ #30 "The Articulated Man!"
| | | []__ [] []   []  []      / (Part of High Concept Challenge #4!)
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \
| | |      []\ ]   [ __ ]      /    Written and copyright 2009
| |-|      [] []   []  []      \         Andrew Perron
| |-|__________________________/
| |
| | The center of a cover is a man, standing on an expanse of wood,
| | looking over his shoulder at gaggle of monsters and villains, all
| | of which have visible joints. The man wears a tight gray costume,
| | and his right arm is a long, hairy, jointed brown claw.  In a
| | sunburst at the bottom in bright red letters, it states the title.


Public Relations Kid was walking down the hall, raving to Cheesecake-
Eater Lad. "It'll be the biggest thing since LNH: The Animated Series!  
The ultimate play pattern!  An action figure that can interact with every 
other toy you own!"

C-EL frowned. "But putting flecks of actual plotdevicium in it?  That 
seems dangerous.  Plus, do you know how *expensive* that stuff is?"

PR Kid laughed. "Nah, that's where the genius comes in.  It's not pure 
plotdevicium; it's Siberian Neo-Plotdevicium!  I got a big shipment for 
cheap after the market collapsed."

C-EL shrugged, and lifted the lid of the LNH Toy Bin, dropping the 
figure in. "Well, I'm not the one who makes these decisions, you know? 
If you can get them to sign off on it, I'll..."

The two walked off, and the figure was left lying in the dark.  It was 
a fairly simple prototype; an athletic human shape, unpainted gray 
plastic up to the neck, where the head was given a medium-olive skin, 
black hair, and brown eyes.  A smiling expression was frozen on its 

"...lots of cool stuff in here!" The lid lifted, and standing there 
were two children who were also two Kids.

Kid Enthusiastic was the one holding up the lid, his eyes, as usual, 
glittering with barely-contained energy behind his domino mask.  Next 
to him was a slightly younger child, IN.dian-American, who had no mask 
but wore a green costume bordered in gold.  This was Kid Borlaug, an 
orphan with limited plant-control powers who had become an LNHer under 
the Net.ahuman Responsibility Act and moved in full-time.

"Y'see," Kid Enthusiastic effused, "we have every LNH action figure 
ever, plus a lot of stuff that was never actually produced, 'cause they 
have to send us test models and stuff."

Kid Borlaug was wide-eyed. "Ooooooo..." He dug into the box. "Hey, I 
don't recognize this guy." He pulled out the prototype.

Kid E nodded. "See?  Probably somebody who never took off." He took a 
double armful of toys. "To the Rec Room!"

They ran down the hall and spread the toys onto the carpet, taking 
turns to pick from the pile.  Then they lined up their armies in front 
of them.

"Ready?" "Ready!"

Kid B picked up a 6-inch Twaelia Brock and slammed it into the Deluxe 
Ultimate Savior With Real Hooping Action.  Kid E laughed, lifted the 
prototype, and made it punch Educational Senate Non-Action Figure Haiku 

There was a flash, and the prototype's right arm was hairy and large, 
while the Gorilla's was thin gray plastic.

Both the Kids blinked. "Ooooooo..."


In Washington, a tense meeting on the price of club sandwiches was 
interrupted by a flash of light.  Haiku Gorilla examined his new arm.

"change comes quickly thus
 summer to fall, flesh to cast
 now, what about mayo?"


"Do another!  Do another!" shouted Kid Borlaug.

"Okay!  Hm..." Kid Enthusiastic raised the figure's leg and tapped it 
to the rejected-for-what-really-should-be-obvious-reasons Nudist Man 


"Hah!" declared WikiBoy. "My articles state that your mosaic-busters 
won't work on fleshtone objects!"

"Bah!" shouted the leader of the Cads of Censorship. "That won't help 
you now!"

"Oh, no?" Out of a nearby mailbox popped Nudist Man.  Suddenly, there 
was a flash, and his entire leg was gray.

"...aw, crumpets."



"Um, um, this one!" Kid Borlaug picked up a Real Throwing Action 
Barrage that had been banned in France for overly-pokey missiles, but 
his hand slipped and it fell on the prototype's Haiku Gorilla arm.  
There was a flash, and not only did the prototype have a kitty-arm, 
Barrage had a gorilla-arm.




"This isn't my Mr. Paprika!"



"Ohhh, Retcon Lad-- ack!"



"Well, that's something you don't see every day, D'znlplatz."

"What's that, Qxnar?"

"A net.hero with a giant cell phone for an arm."

"Oh, I don't know.  A lot of people have mobile phones these days."


Fearless Leader glared at PR Kid and Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  One of his 
arms was huge, yellow and scaly, while the other was covered in pink 
bows and ribbons.

"And *where* did you say you left this toy?"


The Kids laughed as they mashed plastic figures together.

"Kid Recap!"

"Swiss Miss!"

"Obsessive Compulsive Boy!"

"Hooded Ho`'od Win!"

"Liefeld's--" *crack*




"Oh, that's much better."


"the cycle complete
 death of a tree brings new life
 but really, no ham"


Kid Enthusiastic ran through the hall, a wild look on his face, Kid 
Borlaug going "crap crap crap crap".

"Wait hold on hold on!" Kid E pulled out a bottle of glue.  He 
carefully dripped three drops between the figure's torso and hips, then 
pressed them together.  When he let go, it held together.

Both Kids let out a tense breath, and Kid B carefully put the toy back 
in the bin.

"...so, I haven't shown you the Peril Room yet!"


They ran off, as Cheesecake-Eater Lad, PR Kid, and the restored 
Fearless Leader ran in.

"Right here, sir," said PR Kid nervously, and handed Fearless Leader 
the prototype.  FL sighed.

"Well, there was no permanent harm, but the idea of a plotdevicium-
infused action figure line is definitely out.  I'm sorry, PR Kid."

"Aw, that's okay.  Failure is just another word for opportunity and 
such, right?"

After Fearless Leader had left, PR Kid turned to Cheesecake-Eater Lad. 
"So I'm thinking a series of limited-edition busts..."

CE-L just put his head in his hands.


Author's Note: Wow.  I wasn't originally going to enter into High 
Concept #4, but I got inspired and wrote this in a single day. @.@ And 
yes, it totally stretches the idea of a self-improving hero, but that's 
half the fun!

Also, Kid Borlaug is Not Reserved.  I don't have any plans for him, 
though you should probably look up Norman Borlaug before you write him. 
(Actually, you should do that anyway.  The man did more good for the 
world than Mother Theresa, John F. Kennedy, and Deng Xiaoping 

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, totally got to use some surplus 

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