[LNH] [CONTEST] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #30: "The Articulated Man!"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Nov 12 20:10:37 PST 2009
PREHISTORIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
| |-| \
| |-|  /
| | |  egion of \ #30 "The Articulated Man!"
| | | __     / (Part of High Concept Challenge #4!)
| | | [___][ \et.__eroes \
| | | \ ] [ __ ] / Written and copyright 2009
| |-|     \ Andrew Perron
| | The center of a cover is a man, standing on an expanse of wood,
| | looking over his shoulder at gaggle of monsters and villains, all
| | of which have visible joints. The man wears a tight gray costume,
| | and his right arm is a long, hairy, jointed brown claw. In a
| | sunburst at the bottom in bright red letters, it states the title.
Public Relations Kid was walking down the hall, raving to Cheesecake-
Eater Lad. "It'll be the biggest thing since LNH: The Animated Series!
The ultimate play pattern! An action figure that can interact with every
other toy you own!"
C-EL frowned. "But putting flecks of actual plotdevicium in it? That
seems dangerous. Plus, do you know how *expensive* that stuff is?"
PR Kid laughed. "Nah, that's where the genius comes in. It's not pure
plotdevicium; it's Siberian Neo-Plotdevicium! I got a big shipment for
cheap after the market collapsed."
C-EL shrugged, and lifted the lid of the LNH Toy Bin, dropping the
figure in. "Well, I'm not the one who makes these decisions, you know?
If you can get them to sign off on it, I'll..."
The two walked off, and the figure was left lying in the dark. It was
a fairly simple prototype; an athletic human shape, unpainted gray
plastic up to the neck, where the head was given a medium-olive skin,
black hair, and brown eyes. A smiling expression was frozen on its
"...lots of cool stuff in here!" The lid lifted, and standing there
were two children who were also two Kids.
Kid Enthusiastic was the one holding up the lid, his eyes, as usual,
glittering with barely-contained energy behind his domino mask. Next
to him was a slightly younger child, IN.dian-American, who had no mask
but wore a green costume bordered in gold. This was Kid Borlaug, an
orphan with limited plant-control powers who had become an LNHer under
the Net.ahuman Responsibility Act and moved in full-time.
"Y'see," Kid Enthusiastic effused, "we have every LNH action figure
ever, plus a lot of stuff that was never actually produced, 'cause they
have to send us test models and stuff."
Kid Borlaug was wide-eyed. "Ooooooo..." He dug into the box. "Hey, I
don't recognize this guy." He pulled out the prototype.
Kid E nodded. "See? Probably somebody who never took off." He took a
double armful of toys. "To the Rec Room!"
They ran down the hall and spread the toys onto the carpet, taking
turns to pick from the pile. Then they lined up their armies in front
Kid B picked up a 6-inch Twaelia Brock and slammed it into the Deluxe
Ultimate Savior With Real Hooping Action. Kid E laughed, lifted the
prototype, and made it punch Educational Senate Non-Action Figure Haiku
There was a flash, and the prototype's right arm was hairy and large,
while the Gorilla's was thin gray plastic.
Both the Kids blinked. "Ooooooo..."
In Washington, a tense meeting on the price of club sandwiches was
interrupted by a flash of light. Haiku Gorilla examined his new arm.
"change comes quickly thus
summer to fall, flesh to cast
now, what about mayo?"
"Do another! Do another!" shouted Kid Borlaug.
"Okay! Hm..." Kid Enthusiastic raised the figure's leg and tapped it
to the rejected-for-what-really-should-be-obvious-reasons Nudist Man
"Hah!" declared WikiBoy. "My articles state that your mosaic-busters
won't work on fleshtone objects!"
"Bah!" shouted the leader of the Cads of Censorship. "That won't help
"Oh, no?" Out of a nearby mailbox popped Nudist Man. Suddenly, there
was a flash, and his entire leg was gray.
"Um, um, this one!" Kid Borlaug picked up a Real Throwing Action
Barrage that had been banned in France for overly-pokey missiles, but
his hand slipped and it fell on the prototype's Haiku Gorilla arm.
There was a flash, and not only did the prototype have a kitty-arm,
Barrage had a gorilla-arm.
"This isn't my Mr. Paprika!"
"Ohhh, Retcon Lad-- ack!"
"Well, that's something you don't see every day, D'znlplatz."
"What's that, Qxnar?"
"A net.hero with a giant cell phone for an arm."
"Oh, I don't know. A lot of people have mobile phones these days."
Fearless Leader glared at PR Kid and Cheesecake-Eater Lad. One of his
arms was huge, yellow and scaly, while the other was covered in pink
bows and ribbons.
"And *where* did you say you left this toy?"
The Kids laughed as they mashed plastic figures together.
"Obsessive Compulsive Boy!"
"Hooded Ho`'od Win!"
"Oh, that's much better."
"the cycle complete
death of a tree brings new life
but really, no ham"
Kid Enthusiastic ran through the hall, a wild look on his face, Kid
Borlaug going "crap crap crap crap".
"Wait hold on hold on!" Kid E pulled out a bottle of glue. He
carefully dripped three drops between the figure's torso and hips, then
pressed them together. When he let go, it held together.
Both Kids let out a tense breath, and Kid B carefully put the toy back
in the bin.
"...so, I haven't shown you the Peril Room yet!"
They ran off, as Cheesecake-Eater Lad, PR Kid, and the restored
Fearless Leader ran in.
"Right here, sir," said PR Kid nervously, and handed Fearless Leader
the prototype. FL sighed.
"Well, there was no permanent harm, but the idea of a plotdevicium-
infused action figure line is definitely out. I'm sorry, PR Kid."
"Aw, that's okay. Failure is just another word for opportunity and
After Fearless Leader had left, PR Kid turned to Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"So I'm thinking a series of limited-edition busts..."
CE-L just put his head in his hands.
Author's Note: Wow. I wasn't originally going to enter into High
Concept #4, but I got inspired and wrote this in a single day. @.@ And
yes, it totally stretches the idea of a self-improving hero, but that's
half the fun!
Also, Kid Borlaug is Not Reserved. I don't have any plans for him,
though you should probably look up Norman Borlaug before you write him.
(Actually, you should do that anyway. The man did more good for the
world than Mother Theresa, John F. Kennedy, and Deng Xiaoping
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, totally got to use some surplus
More information about the racc