Superfreaks: Mading Mysteries #4

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at
Wed Jan 7 05:28:58 PST 2009

                       Mading Mysteries #4

                          Hidden Weapon

  It was seasonably cold and Mading didn't like getting out of bed but he couldn't sleep so he got up, took a pillow with him, went to the living room and lied back on the couch.  This action caught the attention of his cat who then jumped up onto the sofa and lied down on Mading's stomach with his head just below Mading's chin.  They both felt warm and Mading started to drift back to sleep.
  Just then there was a knock on the door.
  "Coming!" Mading said.  He shook his body to wake up the cat.  The cat then jumped down and Mading was free to answer the door.  "Who is it?" he asked.
  "It's me," was the reply.
  "That only makes sense if I'm expecting somebody," Mading complained.
  "James.  Brad James."
  "Okay," Mading said and opened the door.
  "I see you got the door fixed," James observed.
  "Yep," Mading said.  "So what's up?"
  "We need your help."
  "The British Secret Service needs my help?"
  "Actually I don't work for the British Secret Service: that's my cover."
  "Ah, I see.  So your cover is that you're an agent of the British government when in reality you're... what?"
  "An agent of MAINTAIN.  It's an extra government anti-terrorist organisation that receives support from friendly governments all over the world."
  "I see.  So you exist as a counter to Al Queda."
  "Actually, no.  Al Queda is a minor threat, really.  The bigger threat is RANDOM."
  "What does RANDOM stand for?"
  "RANDOM doesn't stand for anything: they're just evil."
  "No, I mean the letters R.A.N.D.O.M.  What do they stand for?"
  "What do you mean?"
  "Oh come on!" Mading complained.  "If RANDOM doesn't stand for anything then why is it typed in capital letters?"
  "Who says it's typed in capital letters?"
  Mading rolled his eyes.  "Anybody reading this can see that it is typed in capital letters."
  "Fine," James decided.  "It stands for 'Revolutionary Army iNDependent Of the Man'."
  "'The Man'?"
  "That's what they call all government authority.  'The Man'.  They're anarchists."
  "I see.  And what does MAINTAIN stand for?"
  "We stand for truth, justice and free enterprise!"
  "No, no, no, I mean as an acronym.  What does it stand for?"
  "That's classified."
  "You're 'The Man', aren't you?  You don't exist to counter them: they exist to counter you.  Right?"
  James sighed.  "MAINTAIN stands for Military Army: InterNational anti-Terrorist Attack Interception and Neutralisation."
  "I see.  So what do you need my help for?"
  "RANDOM has a history of turning innocent people into contract killers: they were the ones originally behind the Fantastic Fighter and Weapon Alpha programs."
  "Wait.  I thought it was the American government who was behind those programs."
  "You thought the American government was experimenting on human beings?"
  "No.  Agents of RANDOM had infiltrated the American government and were secretly using military resources to experiment on human beings.  We managed to bring the Super Soldier and Weapon Alpha to our side because they had not yet been indoctrinated into the RANDOM cause when we found out about their programs but there were already similar agents of random in existance that the Super Soldier and Weapon Alpha had to take out themselves."
  "Take out?"
  "In self defense, of course."
  "Now we've learned that RANDOM is training clones to become assassins.  Using new cloning technology developed at Goodhead Industries they've been able to produce clones so perfect that they look and behave just like the real person, except they are killers."
  "Whoa.  That's scary."
  "We want to talk to you because you encountered three of their clones recently in Hong Kong."
  "Oh I see!  So RANDOM was behind the attack in Hong Kong!"
  "Yes, it wasn't just a random incident: it was a RANDOM incident."
  "And all this time people were probably assuming it was just bad writing!"
  "So why don't you talk to the authorities in Hong Kong?"
  "They're not very helpful: they don't want to share information with us."
  "Hmm.  Perhaps it's because you're an ultra-secret organisation that nobody except the highest level of government knows about."
  "True, but we always send our agents with a cover story so that the local authorities will co-operate."
  "So what was your cover story when dealing with the authorities in Hong Kong?"
  "We sent agents who told them that they were working for the government in Beijing."
  "I see.  And they didn't want to co-operate."
  "Go figure.  So how can I help?"
  "You're our only expert in this case.  We need you to come with us to our secret headquarters."
  "That's okay.  I can teleport us both there.  Where is it?"
  "I'm not allowed to say out loud."
  "Can you just whisper it to me?"
  Mading rolled his eyes.  "It's much easier if you just let me take you there."  He sighed.  "Tell you what: I'll read your mind."
  "You can do that?"
  "If I decide I can do something then I can do it."
  "I'll have to touch your forehead though."
  Mading touched Brad James' forehead and got the location of their secret headquarters.  "Okay," he said and then, with a wave of his hand, he was able to take them both there.

  "Mading, meet Agent 003."
  Agent 003 shook Mading's hand.  "Nice to meet you."
  "Likewise, 003" Mading said.
  "Just call me Agent Three," Agent Three said.
  "Agent Three is our best agent," Brad James told Mading.
  "Really?  I thought you were their best agent."
  "Me?  No!  I'm barely half the man Agent 3 is!  Agent 3 has been working for MAINTAIN for just a few years but he's been able to gather more information about RANDOM than all other agents combined."
  "Really?  How does he know so much about RANDOM then?"
  "Look," Agent Three said, "we need you to look at this e-mail that was sent yesterday.  I printed it out for you."  Agent Three showed Mading the e-mail.

3:03 PM
U.S.A.: Washington, D.C.: Frank's Internet Cafe 

I am an agent of RANDOM.  I believe in the cause.  But what they are doing now is wrong!  President Obama is a good man and he should not be assassinated!  Two clones were produced: they are of two actresses who appeared in Naked

  "Why does it end so suddenly?" Mading asked.
  "We don't know," Agent Three admitted.  "Something must have interrupted him before he could finish typing the e-mail."
  "What does it mean 'two actresses who appeared in naked'?" Brad James wondered.  "Could he have been refering to porn stars?"
  "No," Mading said.  "The incident in Hong Kong involved clones of three actresses from Hong Kong action films.  I think these clones are also clones of actresses from such films."
  "Based on what?" Agent Three asked.
  "Based on the fact that 'Naked' is capitalized which means it is the title of a film, possibly either Naked Weapon starring Maggie Q and Anya Wu or Naked Killer starring Chingmy Yau or Carrie Ng."
  "Wow!" Brad James said.  "You really are an expert!"
  "No," Mading said.  "I've watched the occasional Hong Kong movie.  Anyway, the clones in question are probably of Maggie Q and Anya Wu because Naked Weapon is a far more recent movie and Maggie Q is a much more popular actress.  She was in Die Hard 4.0, for example."
  "Okay," Agent Three said.  "We'll look into that.  Thanks for your help!"
  "Wait!" Mading said.  "You can trace this e-mail back to its point of origin and find out who sent it, can't you?"
  Agent Three shook his head.  "It came from an internet cafe, not from a home or office.  Anybody could have sent it."
  "But you could at least go to the cafe and ask around, right?"
  "There's no time for that!" Agent Three insisted.
  "But I can teleport us straight there!"
  "I don't think that would be a good idea!"
  "Why not, Agent Three?" Bard James asked.
  "Because I work alone," Agent Three told him.
  "Mading is offering to help and I think we should accept his offer.  I think the two of you should go to Frank's Internet Cafe and investigate this."
  "Very well," Agent Three said.
  "Fine," Mading said.  "Let's go!"

  Mading teleported the two of them to Frank's Cafe in Washington D.C.  Mading approached the teeanger in charge.
  "Hi," Mading said.  "We're secret agents."
  "Sure," the kid said with a laugh.
  Agent Three showed him a fake badge.  "FBI," he said.
  The teenager immediately became more cooperative.  "How can I help you?" he asked.
  "We're looking for somebody who sent an e-mail from here around three o'clock in the afternoon."
  "Could you be more specific?  What did the guy look like?"
  Mading thought for a moment.  "The guy knew something about a secret science project so he was probably some nerdy science geek.  He was also apparently into Hong Kong action movies.  According to that profile, I would suggest that he was also the type of person who liked playing online video games and downloading internet porn."
  The teenager gave Mading an askance look.  "This is an internet cafe."
  "So take your pick!  Anybody here could fit the profile you just gave me!"
  Agent Three sighed deeply.  "This is a dead end."
  "Wait!" Mading said.  "We also know the e-mail was sent at three o'clock yesterday."
  "So we can go back in time and find the guy as he sends the actual e-mail."
  "You can do that?"
  "Alright then let's do it!"
  "Just remember: we can't do anything that would change what has already happened."
  "Fine.  Let's get on with it."
  Mading sent them both back in time.
  "Alright, it's almost three o'clock.  The place is crowded so we'll have to split up: you check the computers here and I'll check the computers over there."
  Mading and Agent Three started looking over people's shoulders to see what they were typing.  Agent Three soon found the man they were looking for.
  "You!  Stop what you're doing right now!"
  The young man made a run for it and Agent Three went after him.
  "Wait!" Mading said.  "Did he send the e-mail or not?"  Mading went to check and found the unfinished e-mail not sent.  He hit "send" and checked the time: it was exactly 3:01.  "So much for free will," Mading muttered.  He then went out into the street after the young and Agent Three.

  When Mading got out into the street, he saw the young man lying dead in the street after having been hit by a car.
  "What happened?" Mading asked Agent Three.
  "I told him to stop but he kept running.  I guess he didn't see the car."
  "Hmm," Mading said.  "Why don't I travel back in time a few minutes and see what really happened?"
  Mading travelled back in time but turned invisible so nobody would see him.  He then saw Agent Three grab the young man they had identified in the cafe.  Mading activated the video record feature on his cell phone.
  "So you thought you'd betray your masters at RANDOM, huh?"
  "Fool!  I know about the e-mail!"
  "But I never sent it!  I wasn't going to send it!  Honest!"
  "Liar!  I stopped you before you could!  Now die!"
  Agent Three threw the young man into the path of an on-coming car.
  Mading returned back to the time he had just come from.  "Just as I thought."
  "What do you mean?" Agent Three asked.
  "You're a double agent!  You're working for MAINTAIN getting information about RANDOM but you're actually a RANDOM agent who has infiltrated MAINTAIN."
  "What makes you say that?"
  Mading showed him the video on his cell phone.
  "Bet you didn't notice the cell phone floating in mid air in front of you, eh?"
  Agent Three sighed.  He pulled out a gun.  "This is why I work alone."
  Mading teleported back to MAINTAIN headquarters (present day) and asked for Brad James.
  "Brad!" Mading said.  "Look at this!"  he showed Brad James the video.
  "That can't be!  Agent Three is not a Random Agent!"
  Mading sighed.  "Fine.  I'll show you."
  Mading teleported himself and Brad back in time and to Washington, D.C., right outside Frank's Internet Cafe.  They watched what happened.
  "You're a double agent!  You're working for MAINTAIN getting information about RANDOM but you're actually a RANDOM agent who has infiltrated MAINTAIN."
  "What makes you say that?"
  Mading showed him the video on his cell phone.
  "Bet you didn't notice the cell phone floating in mid air in front of you, eh?"
  Agent Three sighed.  He pulled out a gun.  "This is why I work alone."
  "Stop!" Brad James said.
  To Agent Three it was as if Mading had simply teleported over a few feet away.  Agent Three shot Mading in the shoulder.  Mading instantly healed the wound but the shock and pain caused him to drop to the ground and pass out.  This left Brad James to face Agent Three by himself.
  Brad quickly disarmed Agent Three but Agent Three himself managed to slip away.
  "You'll never catch me!" Agent Three said.
  "I bet you I do!"
  Agent Three ran away on foot.  He soon a man on a motorbike, kicked him off and commandeered the motorbike for himself.  Brad James did likewise.  Agent Three drove the motorcycle don't the sidewalk and through a newsstand.  Brad followed.  Agent Three drive the motorcycle into a mall, shattering a glass window in the process.  Brad followed.  Agent Three then drove into a parking lot and found a car that some woman had just gotten out of, stole her keys and commandeered it.  Brad James did likewise.  After a long, drawn out car chase through the city, Agent Three took the car out onto the highway.  Brad did likewise.
  Now far away from the city, Agent Three headed towards a military base and drove the car straight through the fence.  Brad followed.  Before anybody could stop him, Agent Three got out of the car and commandeered a jet plane.  Brad James did likewise.  Agent Three flew off but Brad followed.  Eventually, Agent Three ran out of fuel and, having no where to land, bailed out and used a parachute to land safely in the forest.  Brad did likewise.  Once Brad landed, he ran over to where he had seen Agent Three land and found Agent Three's parachute but no sign of Agent Three.  Brad tracked Agent Three though the forest until he found Agent Three standing by the side of a cliff.
  "It's over!" Brad told him.
  "I don't think so!" Agent Three said.
  Agent Three jumped off the cliff and into the water below.  Brad James shrugged his shoulders and jumped in after him.  He watched Agent Three swim away and he followed him.  After a few hours they arrived back in the city and Agent Three pulled himself up onto the docks.  Brad James did likewise.  They were both exhausted so Agent Three decided it was time to make a stand.  They started using elegant martial arts moves but soon decided to sacrafice form for brutality.  Both combatants were bloodied and bruised by the time Agent Three finally fell.
  It was then that Mading appeared.  "Was that fun?"
  "Tremondous fun, yes."
  "So you're okay?"
  "Of course I am," Brad said indignantly.  "This is my job."
  "But you said Agent Three was better than you."
  Brad James shrugged his shoulders.  "Apparently not."
  "Anyway, don't forget that RANDOM is still planning to assassinate President Obama."
  "Oh my God, that's right!  And I've been wasting time running this traitor down!"
  "Don't worry about it!  I sent you back in time, remember?  Now time has caught up with itself, so to speak.  Only about an hour has passed since you appeared at my apartment."
  "Yes, really?"
  "So there's still time to save the President!"
  "Plenty of time!"
  "Now if I could just get this bastard to talk!"
  "I'll never talk!" Agent Three swore.
  "He doesn't have to, remember?"  Mading walked over to Agent Three and touched him on the forehead.  "The assassination is scheduled to happen in a few minutes at a news conference!"
  "Take us there!"
  "Wait!" Mading said.  "What about this guy?  If we go then he could get away!"
  Brad James shot Agent Three in the foot.  "Not any more."
  "He could still limp off."
  Brad James shot Agent Three's other foot.  "How about now?"
  "Okay.  Let's go."

  Mading and Brad James appeared at the Obama news conference just in time to see a clone of Maggie Q shout "Die Mr. President" and aim her gun at Barack Obama.  Mading froze time and diarmed her.  He unfroze time and yelled out "Don't shoot!  She's unarmed!"
  "Good work!" Brad James said.  "Now where's the other one!"
  "I'll never talk!" the clone said.
  Mading smiled rolled up his sleeves.  "This is going to be fun," he said.  Mading held her in place using telekinesis and then placed a hand on her forehead.
  "Well?" Brad asked.  "Are you getting anything."
  "I'm getting an image of her and the Anya Wu clone showering together."
  "Now I see them taking a bath together."
  "This must all be part of their training: all these activities help form a strong emotional bond between them."
  "Just tell me where the other clone is right now!"
  "She's up in the balcony!" Mading said.  "She's got a rifle!"
  "Take me there right now!"
  Mading teleported Brad James up to the balcony where the Anya Wu clone was lining up her shot.
  "Drop the rifle!" Brad told her.
  The clone saw the gun aimed at her and immediately dropped the rifle.

  Later, after clearing everything with the local secret service, Brad James spoke with Mading.
  "Thanks for all your help," he said.
  "No problem," Mading said.  "You know, this could be just the tip of the iceberg though: there could be hundreds of clones of Chinese actresses out there trained to be killers like the characters in those cult Hong Kong action movies."
  "I know," Brad James said.  "It's just horrifying."
  "And yet," Mading admitted, "strangely arousing."

                                   THE END

End notes:

This is most likely the last Superfreaks related story.  Superfreaks has now spoofed all different possible genres, not just detectives and superheroes, although the focus has always been mixing the ordinary with the extraordinary.  I wanted to tie up all loose ends and I think I've created an all purpsoe explaination for everything that happened over three seasons: to paraphrase Bard James, everything that happened wasn't just random, it was RANDOM.



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