LNH: First Person Shooter Man #2

Nicholas O'Connor themaestroofemail at gmail.com
Sun Feb 1 09:44:27 PST 2009

I would have made this issue sooner if I remembered. Oh well.


[ Author; Nicholas O'Connor ] 
[ Title:  ] 
[ All characters (except for those briefly mentioned [like "walked down 
the hall and high-fived x"]) used with permission. Brief mentions will be 
removed if original creator wishes ] 


I've been busy whaling on criminals recently, so I, William O. Smith 
(yes, Will Smith, I know, shut up), am going to give you the short 
version of my story.

I was playing some FPS games in my mother's basement (don't laugh) and 
lightning struck. Then some nurse spilled the medical waste on me. This 
and a bunch of other stuff formed me into the man I am today: First 
Person Shooter Man (or FPS man for short).


It was quiet on this, my third day with my new tricks. I decided to 
wander down to the firing range to get some practice in.

The first thing the guy at the range does when he sees me is try to 
stifle a laugh. "Nice getup," he says with a smirk on his face. "Freak 
Convention is down the street, are you lost?"

"This is the thanks I get for 16th and Broadway?" I snap back.

The dude just squints at me for a minute. Not one to miss this, I say 
"Y'know, that place that sells glasses over there, they might be able to 
help you out with that squint."

"Shut up." He continues to squint. "Oh hey, you do look like that guy. 
But still, what's with the getup?"

"My mother wouldn't shut up unless I put it on."

This time, he couldn't help it. He laughed until he fell out of his seat. 
I just went ahead and left him there. Found me an open spot.

First I practiced scrolling. Got used to the feel of it, and also figured 
out what was where. Then, I worked on my aim. I could get a perfect 
headshot at the 200m mark standing still. But when moving, I could only 
do 50m. Makes sense, I suppose.

"HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN THERE?!" The dude finally stopped 
laughing. And whacked me with a folding chair.


He hits me again. "GET OUT! NOW!"

Fair enough, if someone goes after you, I'll procrastinate a bit. Jerk. I 
walked out of the range. My HUD showed 65% health. I thought to myself 
that I should probably take care of that, and lo and behold, there was a 
faint whir, and in front of me popped...a medkit. I ran over to it, it 
vanished, and I came up with 87% health. Just as I thought it would be 
awesome if that happened again...whirrr, medkit. I could get used to 
doing that.

I decide to wander down by LNH. Figure I'd stop by the corner store on my 
way, I could use a soda. So, I wander in, with a 1-liter bottle of soda, 
and the secretary waves at me, a little too spaz-tastically. "Hi Will!"

"Oh hi."

The secretary just keeps waving, smiling a little too wide. I think she's 
starting to scare me. I start watching TV, waiting for something 
interesting to happen. I get too engrossed though, because half an hour 
later the secretary wanders in.

"Will, you need to help!"

"Not now, lady. South Park's on!"

"FINE! Maybe someone ELSE will save these people!"

Buzzword. "It's a rerun anyway, where is this?"

"Over by the King's Pawn." I always thought that was a stupid name for a 
pawnshop, but whatever. I load over. Some dude is holding a chainsaw 
right at some (rather attractive) lady's throat. I sneak up behind him, 
rob him of his chainsaw (good thing it wasn't running!) and say "Overkill 

"Heh heh, we were just a distraction. The REAL crime has already 
happened, and the Large Hadron Collider has been stolen."

"THAT piece of junk? It doesn't even do anything..."

"Not NOW, but in a few hours, it will destroy the world!" He starts 

"I'm going to change that. Location?"

He scoffs. "Why should I tell you?"

"Because, A, I'm in the position of power here if you haven't noticed, 
and B, it's comic mechanics and you have to roll with it."

"Fine. It's in an old abandoned farm a few miles from the dock."

"One more thing," I say.


I knock him out, shoot him in the stomach, and grab his chainsaw. "I'm 
going to take this off your hands. Bad idea to hurt such a good looking 
lady anyway."


After some loading over and some looking around, I hear a whir. A louder 
one than made if I was spawning a medkit. I see the LHC, and scroll to 
the grenades. I throw one in one of the intake holes. Ka-BOOM!!

"OH BABY! YEAH!" I say a little too loudly. Machineguns start a-pointin' 
and a-shootin'. I try to machinegun them back, get a couple of them 
downed in the process, spawn a medkit, try to get to it...and...collapse. 
My machinegun just disappears, my medkit just swirls away in some light, 
my health meter blinks 0%, and everything fades to black. Then, some 
colors appear. A lot of colors. They start flashing. Makes you wonder 
what would happen if this happened to an epileptic person, eh? Then 
everything's all sepia (like in old westerns) and I am told to select a 
spawn location. I can see my surroundings.

I decide to spawn in the rafters, and I do. I scroll around, and pass a 
Sniper Rifle. I probably got it when I chose rafters as a spawnpoint. I 
use it to start picking people off.

Finally, it's one dude left. He's big, he's mean, and he ate his Wheaties 
for breakfast today. I can tell. He's got that "Wheatie" scent on him. He 
sees me. "How are you there? You're DEAD!!"

"I'm First Person Shooter Man," I respond. "I respawn. I'm just that 
awesome." Then I swoop down and kick him in the head. I loot my own 
corpse for machinegun ammo, shotty ammo, and that chainsaw, and head 
home. All in a day's work for good ol' FPS Man.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when
you die, your soul goes on the roof and
gets stuck.
   -- George Carlin

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