LNH: System Corruptors #31: High Concept 2: <<A Beige Midnight Tie-In>>: 'MIND-O-Saurus Knows Best!!!'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sun Aug 2 19:16:20 PDT 2009
[The System Corruptors is an anthology focusing on the villains that
populate the Looniverse usually within self-contained stories.]
[Cover: MIND-O-Saurus works on some mad-world conquering experiment,
while underneath him his wacky juvenile delinquent nephews: FIND-O,
GRIND-O, and BLIND-O, attempt to saw the legs of the table that is
supporting his experiment. Next to MIND-O is his wacky next-door
neighbor, Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law, who's drinking a beer. The
Picture is Beige-ish because it's a part of the Beige Midnight
Event-thingee, although it doesn't really tie-in all that much and is
more of an excuse to sell to the gullible person who buys anything that
is tied into Beige Midnight.]
'MIND-O-Saurus Knows Best!!!'
By Arthur Spitzer
His name is MIND-O-Saurus, but his friends call him MIND-O (Mobile
Intelligent Neutered Dinosaur for Obliterating). He is the world's
smartest dinosaur (for what that's worth). And right now (well if now
was April 2008 since that's when this story takes place) he is working
on an experiment that could very well lead to the end of the LNH and
victory for Mynabird and his Legion of Net.Villains.
And you know what? I hate writing in present tense. I think I'm going
to switch to past tense if that's all right with you. What? It isn't?
Well screw you! I'm going to write in past tense and there is nothing
you can do about it! Muhhahahahahhahahahah!!
Oh, sorry about that. Guess writing System Corruptors just brings out
the natural evil within me. But I am going to write in past tense. I
am. And even God can't stop me. No, you can't -- God!
EVIL! -- EVIL! -- EVIL!
MIND-O-Saurus looked at the various wires. Was this the Red one? Green
one? Blue one? They all looked Beige! Damn this Beige Midnight
Crossover Event thingee making everything look beige! MIND-O-Saurus
sighed. He should have labeled these wires. Oh well. He was pretty
sure he knew which ones were which. Just need to put this thingee into
this thingee and he would be finished. And so would the LNH.
But before he could put the thingee into the thingee, he heard his front
door slam. Who was that? It couldn't be the kids! School wasn't over!
It was only one o'clock! MIND-O-Saurus took out a blaster gun and
listened closely. He heard a sort of high-pitched racket. It was the
kids! What were they doing back so early? Probably ditching school
again. Damn them! Why had he created them?
Why? He supposed it all went back to his own origins. He had been a
cloned dinosaur genetically modified by some consortium of mad
scientists. They had enhanced his brain making him incredibly
intelligent, but in the process had also neutered him. Also he needed
this stupid looking flying chair to support his giant brain. Naturally,
he had killed every single one of them. But even with them dead it
didn't change the fact that he was still neutered. Neutered! And
because of that inadequacy, he guessed that's why he had created his
'nephews'. They weren't really nephews since they were enhanced clones
of himself, but he called them that since otherwise people might be
suspicious of how a neutered dinosaur could possibly have children.
MIND-O-Saurus flew over to his living room and saw that the boys:
FIND-O, GRIND-O, and BLIND-O were all watching that mindless boob tube
again. Each nephew had his own special ability. FIND-O had the ability
to find stuff. GRIND-O had the ability to grind stuff. And BLIND-O had
the ability to be blind (well okay -- now that I think about that isn't
much of an ability. Maybe his other senses are enhanced. Yeah, that's
it.) The boys looked up (except for BLIND-O who was blind). "Umm -- hi
Unca MIND-O. Wussup?" they said with guilty voices.
"Why are you here? You should still be in school!" growled MIND-O-Saurus.
"Umm -- Oh yeah -- it's 'Get Out Early Day' today!" said FIND-O.
MIND-O-Saurus shook his head. "You already used that excuse two weeks ago."
"Umm -- it's Eastern Orthodox 'Get Out Early Day'?" grinded GRIND-O.
"Try again." MIND-O-Saurus folded his arms sternly.
"Umm -- oh yeah! We graduated! The teachers said we were so smart we
didn't have to go to school no more -- and they gave us all High school
diplomas! Yeah! That's what happened!" said BLIND-O. His brothers all
nodded their approval to his version of events.
"So where are these diplomas?" questioned MIND-O-Saurus.
The three nephews consulted with each other and finally FIND-O spoke.
"Umm -- when we were walking home from school -- Bart the Dark
Receptionist attacked us and retconned them away. Yeah! That's what
happened!" The other two nodded.
"That's a shame. Guess we're going to have to drive to school and get
some replacement diplomas."
The nephews had a horrified look on their faces. "No! We don't need to
do that, Unca MIND-O!"
"Oh, I think we do. Get in the station wagon kids! Now!" MIND-O-Saurus
pointed his blaster at them. The nephews gulped.
"Hey, MIND-O old buddy! What's shaking?!" MIND-O-Saurus turned around
to see his annoying next-door neighbor, Color Error Man's
Brother-in-Law, standing there drinking a beer he had mostly likely
stolen from MIND-O-Saurus's fridge.
"Sorry, Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law, can't stay and chat. Need to
drive the kids to school. They're in trouble."
"Trouble? Hah! Man, I was always getting in trouble in school too!"
Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law gave the nephews a thumb's up. "Guess
that's why I became a supervillain," said Color Error Man's
Brother-in-Law in deep reflection about his past.
MIND-O-Saurus glared at Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law "Uh huh. Do
you want something?"
"Oh nothing much. Just wondered if I could borrow like $5000 or so.
Have this really great make money scheme involving lobsters and
toenails. Just need the cash to start it up. Oh and some beer. Need
to borrow some beer," said Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law as he
drained the last drop in the can he was holding.
"I see. Look. We'll talk about this when I get back."
"Cool. Hey can I use your TV? My TV is broken and..."
"Fine! You can use it! Just don't touch anything else! Especially my
experiment! And don't burn down my house!"
"Hey! It was just that one time! It was an accident! You're never
going to let that one go, are you Man?"
MIND-O-Saurus glared at Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law. "Don't burn
down my home."
"Dude! I'm just going to watch TV. Nothing else. Promise."
"Okay. I'll be back -- soon." MIND-O-Saurus checked his watch. "Soon!"
"'Kay. Later, buddy." Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law plopped himself
on the sofa and started channel surfing.
EVIL! -- EVIL! -- EVIL!
MIND-O-Saurus's hands clutched the wheel to the station wagon tightly.
Pressing a gizmo he had rigged to his flying apparatus he was able to
brake the car. He looked through his windshield and noticed that
something was happening. The school was surrounded by ambulances, fire
engines, police cars, and media vans. He could see sobbing parents
hugging each other. "Wonder what's going on here?" He clicked on the
<<...At least 12 confirmed dead and hundreds missing or wounded. The
three suspects are described as being lizard like beings with unusually
large heads using flying devices to move around. They are
considered...>> MIND-O-Saurus clicked the radio off.
"Oh. My. Lord." He looked at his nephews. "You did this? You did
this! All those children and teachers and... oh my god. All those
innocents!" MIND-O-Saurus shut his eyes. "And you got caught! You got
caught! Didn't I tell you -- if you commit mass murder -- don't get
caught!! Jesus! Do you ever use your super-intelligent brains?"
GRIND-O quickly spoke up. "It wasn't us! It was umm -- our evil
alternate versions of us! Yeah! Our Evil Alternate Versions! Yeah!
They did this!"
The other two nephews nodded. "Yeah, they locked us in a broom closet!
We couldn't stop them! And after they did it -- they let us go. And
they went back to their evil alternate Looniverse where school shootings
are totally legal! Yeah! We wus framed Unca MIND-O! We wus framed!"
"We'll see about that after I probe your minds!"
"No!" screamed the nephews. "Don't do that! Please! Don't probe our
"You leave me no choice, nephews! Prepare to be mind-probed!"
MIND-O-Saurus gazed into his nephew's heads and tore his way into their
deepest darkest secrets.
After he had finished he looked at his nephews. "You did it. You
really did it! You're guilty! And you got caught!!" MIND-O-Saurus
buried his head into his arms. "You're very selfish! Didn't you think
of how this would effect me or Mynabird's plans to destroy the LNH!?
Didn't you?!! Now I probably won't have any time to finish my
experiment! And the LNH will win! And all because of you!!"
"It was an accident, Unca MIND-O! Honest! We didn't know those guns
and bombs would really work! Honest!"
"Sorry, boys -- but this is very serious. I'm afraid you're going to
have to go to -- Jail. Yes. Jail. You've left me no choice."
"No!" cried the nephews. "Please! We're too young to go to the big
house! Don't turn us in, Unca MIND-O! Please! We won't mass murder
our classmates ever again! Promise! Cub Woodlizard Scout's Honor!"
His nephews made the Cub Woodlizard Scout oath gesture.
MIND-O-Saurus looked at his nephews whose eyes were starting to well
with tear drops. Could he turn them in? Sure they were a hassle, but
they were also his blood. His cloned blood, but still his blood. And
they might still be useful later on in case he was in need of an organ
transplant or two.
"Okay. I won't turn you in. I guess I can create some robotic
duplicates of you and they can take the rap for this. But you're going
to have to mow the lawn all next summer. And do dishes for a whole
year! And no more TV! Or Internet!"
The nephews nodded their heads. "You're the best Unca ever, Unca
MIND-O!" The three nephews gave MIND-O-Saurus a big hug.
MIND-O-Saurus hugged his nephews back and a warm sentimental grin made
its way onto his mouth. "I guess I am. I guess I am."
MIND-O-Saurus's cell phone started to beep. "Got to take this, boys.
Who? What? You did! You burned my house down! Again!
Arrrghghghghghgghh!!!!!" MIND-O-Saurus screamed to the heavens shaking
his fist, "Color Error Man's Brother-in-Law!!!!!!"
EVIL! -- EVIL! -- EVIL!
EVIL! -- EVIL! -- EVIL!
All characters in this story created by Arthur Spitzer except for Bart
the Dark Receptionist who was created by Ken Schmidt and Color Error Man
by Drizzt both of whom didn't appear in this story.
Yes, this story is completely morally bankrupt.
MIND-O-Saurus first appeared in Beige Midnight #1 and is sort of a MODOK
Also this story is for the second contest and sort of combines both
Saxon Brenton's and Andrew Burton's requirements for a story, I guess.
Did this mostly because my last attempt was very half-assed. This will
probably be my last one though, until I manage to get Beige Midnight
I'm not sure what the last issue of System Corruptors was -- but the
archive only had #30 -- but since it hasn't been updated since 2006 I
guess there could have been more.
Arthur "EVIL!" Spitzer
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