usVerse: Unfinished Sentence-Verse TEB: #1-10

[Arthur Spitzer]

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse TEB:  #1-10

By Arthur Spitzer, Adrian James McClure, Tom Russell


From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat,  6 May 2006 15:42:52 -0700 (PDT)

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1

The man woke up.  Strange, he thought to himself.  Where am I?  Who am I?

He was on a raft.  A raft in the middle of the Ocean.  And there were people
with him.  People and creatures.  One of the creatures was this gila monster
wearing a Viking Cap.  Another looked like a robot with a cowboy hat.  There
was a cute red-headed nun sitting next to the robot.  And sitting next to
her was some very wrinkled old lady wearing a red bikini smoking a cigar.

"Who are you people?  Why am I here?  I can't remember anything.  Not even
my name!"

"Well, look who's awake."  The old lady took the cigar out of her mouth
briefly.  "As to where we are, well, none of us know either.  We all have
amnesia too."

"I don't understand.  How can we all have amnesia?" the man said as he
looked closer at his surroundings.

But before anyone could answer that question, the raft started to...

=========
To be continued by anyone who feels like it...
=========

Arthur "Unfini..." Spitzer

From: "Adrian James McClure" <lord_sold... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat,  6 May 2006 16:53:47 -0700 (PDT)

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #2

But before anyone could answer that question, the raft started to curse
incoherently in Spanish.  "Why is it doing that?" said the anonymous
protagonist.

"I don't know," said the creepy old lady.  "It's been doing that all
the time since I woke up."

"Puta lagarto!" said the raft.  "Mis pantalones estan comidos por emus
de mierda!"

"You know," said the protagonist, "this whole situation seems very
profound somehow.  This must be some kind of profound mystery with deep
metaphysical overtones that must gradually be pieced together.  Or
maybe this is all an elaborate allegory. I represent the average
everyman, searching for his own identity, surrounded by a hostile
society.  The old woman represents Americans' desire for youth and
inability to accept their own mortality.  The nun represents organized
religion.  The robot with a cowboy hat represents the working class.
The gila monster with a viking helmet represents, er, science fiction
fandom.  And the raft represents illegal immigrants."

"You have to be an academic," said the nun, who had a light Irish
accent.

"Why is that?"

"Because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"See!  Organized religion is always hostile to intellectual activity!"

Suddenly, Jeph Loeb was brought in as a writer in this series to
increase its sales.  A giant robot which looks exactly like the
Composite Ultimate Ninja flew in and blasted the protagonist's head
off.  "Hey!" said the severed head of the protagonist.  "That hurts!"

The robot's chest opened to reveal...

Adrian "and yes, I'm aware there is no Composite Ultimate Ninja" McClure

From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse} The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sat,  6 May 2006 19:09:15 -0700 (PDT)

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 3

The robot's chest opened to reveal a hand, upon which sat an old
Courier and Ives plate (a young couple mushing their horse-drawn
carriage through an idyllic winter wonderland) that held the crimpled
remains of a faded blue pastel muffin wrapper, sans muffin: all that
remained of it were a few neglected crumbs, tasty blueberry orphans
(and that's if the muffin was a blueberry one, or, for that matter, if
it was a muffin at all: it very well could have been a cupcake and not
a muffin, and if it was a cupcake, did that mean that the existence of
its piecemeal survivors was any sweeter, that their fate was any less
dire-- and what kind of frosting once adorned its light, fluffy top;
oh, never mind, it was a muffin after all) torn from their family by a
masticating holocaust, only to be devoured in one fell slurp by cruel
fate in a viking helmet (and if that viking-hatted Gila monster could
speak the language of man, and if he was a conossuier of fine foods
able to tell the difference between a muffin and its sweet sinful
barely-legal and more attractive younger sister the cupcake, then that
Gila monster could settle, once and for all, whether or not it was a
muffin or a cupcake that he did devour the last few measly crumbs of),
much to the surprise and astonishment of the robot, who did weep
copious tears; water and electricity do not mix, and so that robotic
behemoth of everything Loebian (for, as the discerning reader should
discern with no discernable difficultly, Jeph "I can't write Batman
correctly but I sure can resurrect Jason Fucking Todd with the best of
them" Loeb has been jettisoned, only to be readily replaced by the
once-thought dead Marcel "I can write thirty pages about how I fall to
sleep" Proust and his magical motherfucking tea cup and piece of
madeleine-- and whatever happened to i before e except after c; Maddie,
as usual, provides a welcome exception) found his flight capabilities
quite diminished and sank to the ocean, destined to rust forever as it
pondered the fate of the crumbs it had played Papa Varian to for a few
brief lovely moments: the end of a life is, as always, bittersweet.
The gila monster licks his

From: "Adrian James McClure" <lord_sold... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [usVerse] The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #1
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Sun,  7 May 2006 10:16:28 -0700 (PDT)

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse #4

The gila monster licks his (that is, the long-unmentioned
protagonist's) bones as his head, lamenting deeply over the loss of its
beloved body, weeps bitterly, but just as he the gila monster is about
to launch into an elaborate reminiscience of how the exquisite taste of
the protagonist's corpse (another subtle reference to high culture!)
reminds him of his childhood in the lost city of atomic vikings,
hopefully with less errors than the last time (for in fact Jeph Loeb is
not the same person as Judd Winick, who brought Jason Todd back from
the dead and is in fact a worse writer, as frightening as it may be)
when Proust is suddenly shot in the back!  "I've had enough of your
girly writing style," says the mysterious newcomer.  Proust turns
around and finds to his horror that it's...

"The cybernetic disembodied head of Ernest Hemingway attached to the
body of a gorilla!  But it cannot be!  After you attempted to help
Pointless Awards Man IV take over the multiverse in the LNH cascade
'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the RACCies... Again!' you were
imprisoned in the center of the universe by the Anonymous Anglo-Saxon
Alliterative Poet Corps!"  Remembering this cascade then leads Proust
to reminisce bittersweetly about the halcyon days of a few months ago
as Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway blasts him full of bullets.

"There," said Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway, "now we can have some real
writing with simple declarative sentences!"  But just as Cyborg Gorilla
Hemingway is about to sit down and write, a cloaked figure enters the
room.  "Aroint thee, thou qualling bat-fowling canker-blossom!  Or face
the wrath of..."  The figure removes his cloak, revealing...  "William
Shakespeare!"  Shakespeare pulls out his...

From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 5
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Thu, 11 May 2006 06:45:36 -0700 (PDT)

THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 5

Shakespeare pulls out his Rutabaga of Doom and looks you steadily in
the eye.  "You must now come with me," he says.

Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway cuts him off.  "No!  You have to come with
me!"

"Thou art as untrustworthy as..."

Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway cuts him off again, grabbing you urgently by
the shoulders.  "Don't trust him!  He'll kill you all!"

"What should we do?" says the nun, turning to you.  "Do we trust
Shakespeare or Hemingway?"

IF YOU TRUST SHAKESPEARE, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 6A!

IF YOU TRUST HEMINGWAY, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 6B!

IF YOU DON'T TRUST EITHER, go to UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 1!

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE NUN, go to LEGION OF NET.HEROES VOL. 2
# 13!

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE VIKING GILA MONSTER, go to...

From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 5
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Fri, 12 May 2006 17:01:23 -0700 (PDT)

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE VIKING GILA MONSTER, go to The Studio 54
it's where all the action is!

THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE #6D

'D is for Disco Viking Gila Monster 70's Flashback Issue'

The 1970s...

It was a dark and funky night.  The Village People's song 'Macho Man' played
in the background.  People were getting ready to boogie down.  And then he
came in.  He wore bell bottoms and a polyster shirt.  He had a gold chain
necklace and some mood rings.  And -- he was a gila monster.

"Whohh!" said a girl named Rhonda wearing a roller derby costume.  "Who's
Mr. Smooth with the horny helmet?  He's giving me a Saturday Night Fever!"

"That, Sweet Cheeks, is Dr. Dance Magic himself," said the bartender named
Larry.  "He's the Baron of Boogie.  There ain't no one alive that can match
him on the dance floor."

"He's So Dreamy!"

"You can say that again.  But I got to warn you if you're alone with him for
just one sec he'll eat you alive!"

"Mmm.  Sounds like my kind of man!"

"You can say that again."

Suddenly without warning a voice thundered in the room. "Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble!"

"Oh shit!  Not him!" Larry the bartender quickly put the glass that he was
filling down.  Someone had entered the Dance Studio.  A turkey.  A turkey
with a pimp hat!

"Damn, it's Dr. Dance Magic's greatest arch-enemy: Jive the Pimp Turkey!
And Jive's Go-Go-Hoes are with him!"  Larry said pointed to the gang of
ladies surrounding the turkey with the pimp cane.  "There's going to be a
Disco Duel!"

Suddenly the Bee Gee song, 'Staying Alive' started to pound away from the
speakers.  The gila monster with the viking helmet pointed to the sky like
John Travolta and did a twirl.  Multi-Colored lights flickered through the
room.

The Boogie Showdown of all Boogie Showdown had begun.  Everyone just stopped
what they were doing and stared as the Two Disco Titan's feet did battle on
the dance floor.

"Something's Wrong!" Rhonda said after a few minutes.  "Dr. Dance Magic is
losing it!  Jive the Pimp Turkey is just too good!  Dr. Dance Magic is being
out boogied!  I think he's given up.  He's just standing there on the dance
floor -- No wait!  He's got something.  It's a -- A broadsword!  He's going
to..."

There was a blood curdling scream.  Jive the Pimp Turkey's head lay in the
middle of the floor in a pool of blood.

"God!" Rhonda's face was full of horror.  "What's he doing!?  What's he
doing to that turkey!?"

"Must be dinner time," Larry replied.  "Told you, Sweet Cheeks.  He'll eat
you alive unless you're dead then he'll eat you dead."

End of 70's Flashback...

The gila monster with the viking helmet's mind returned to the present.  He
looked at the raft he was floating on full of stranger.  He decided that he
would...

Arthur "Afternoon Delight" Spitzer

From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 7
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Wed, 24 May 2006 08:32:03 -0700 (PDT)

THE UNFINISHED SENTENCE-VERSE # 7
BY TOM RUSSELL

He decided that he would have to be careful about when he indulged in a
meaningful flashback.  In the interim between the start of the
flashback and its sweet, luscious end, the others had apparently made
the important decision between Cyborg Gorilla Hemingway and Shakespeare
without him.

"Forsooth!" said Shakespeare after a trans-dimensional portal had
swallowed the raft, "Bwahahahaheehoha!"

"That's not true iambic pentameter!" said the old woman clad in bikini
and weilding cigar.  "Which means... you're not really Shakespeare!"

"You may have found me out," snarled the faux bard of avon, "but it is
too late now!  For you are now in the clutches of... Shaka Zulu!"

He started to pull at the Shakespearean costume and face mask with one
hand, as he pulled out a long impaling spear with the other.

"What are we going to do?" lamented the nun.

"Rodilla!" said the raft.

This reminded the Viking Gila Monster of an earlier point in his life,
when (for a brief and shameful moment) he voted for Reagan.

It wasn't really his fault: Reaganomics made sense to him at the time,
gas prices were soaring, and, most importantly of all, there was a bear
in the woods, damn it!  A god damn bear!

And if there was one thing the Viking Gila Monster was afraid of...

If there was one thing that could be construed as being his only
weakness... it was bears!  Especially bears in the god-damn woods!

He shuddered, and this was enough to jog him out of his
psuedo-flashback.

Again, he cursed himself for indulging in a flashback at an inopportune
moment.  For now, Shaka Zulu was gone.  So were the Viking Gila
Monster's strange companions.

He was no longer on a raft floating in some interdimensional portal, or
even on a raft floating in some tempest-toss'd sea.  No.

He was on a stationary raft, in the middle of the woods, surrounded by
three bears.  Porridge dripped from their snouts as they inched closer,
closer, closer.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the

From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Mon,  5 Jun 2006 17:03:59 -0700 (PDT)

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Man known as Ranch Rancherson sat in a
rocking chair and rocked while he dipped his Ranch Style Potatoe (spelled
with an E as a tribute to Dan Quayle and so Tom Russell will do one of his
oh so amusing spelling critiques) Chips in a Bucket of Ranch Style Dressing.
His dog, Rancho, sat by his side licking drops of spilled Ranch Style
Dressing that fell on the wooden porch.

"You can't keep doing that, Ranch!" his wife, Ranchitta, screamed while
flailing her arms about.  "Humans weren't meant to consume that much Ranch
Style Dressing!  It's inhuman!  Why can't you stop!  Why must you eat so
much Ranch Dressing!  Why are you doing this?!  Don't you care about your
health?  Why, Ranch?!  Why?!  You're going to kill yourself, Ranch!  Please!
Stop!"  Ranchitta looked to the heavens.  "Please, God, stop him from doing
this!  Stop this horrible Ranch Dressing Suicide Binge!  Please!"  Tears
started streaming from her eyes.

"Ah, quit being such a nag!" Ranch Rancherson said as he popped another
Ranch Style Potatoe Chip Covered in Ranch Style Dressing into his mouth.
But, as it turned out, that was one Ranch Style Potatoe Chip Covered in
Ranch Style Dressing too many.  His heart filled to the brim with Ranch
Dressing exploded.  Ranch Rancherson fell from his rocking chair; his body
hit his wooden porch.  Ranch Dressing started to stream from his mouth,
nostrils, ears, eyeballs, and other bodily orifices.  Rancho quickly rushed
to his Master's body and started to lick the ranch dressing leaking out of
Ranch Rancherson's eyes.

And somewhere, a Robot wearing a cowboy hat watched all of this.  And it
smiled a cold mechanical smile.

Meanwhile, back at the teddy bear picnic, the...

Arthur "Ranchless" Spitzer
From: "Tom Russell" <milos_par... at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 9
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: Tue,  6 Jun 2006 13:17:02 -0700 (PDT)

   The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 9
--Tom Russell

Meanwhile, back at the teddy bear picnic, the last scion of the
Rancherson fortune, Ronald "Hank" Rancherson, squeezed his moth-eaten
teddy bear, like so many of the other small children-and-teddy-bear
couples picnicking on this glorious Sunday morning; they all clapped
their hands and laughed at the tax accountant who had been chosen to
entertain them.

He straightened his tie and cleared his throat, not for the first, and
not for the last time.  "Well, the long and short of it, boys and
girls, is that this woman thought she could claim both the
homesteader's exemption _and_ the standardized exemption, and you
should have seen her face when I told her this was sadly not the way it
works."  He chuckled; the children laughed and clapped some more.

Poor Hank!  This is his last happy moment.  For soon the news will
spread that his father has died.  He stands to inherit the Rancherson
fortune, the Rancherson Secret, and also, the Rancherson enemies.

He will be able to trust no-one.  No-one except his teddy bear, Oswald.

Enjoy this last happy moment, Hank: for within seconds, it will spoilt
by gunfire.

The tax accountant adjusts his tie and clears his throat for what will
prove to be the last time.

"Now, children, here's a funny story about a small business owner who...

From: Arthur Spitzer <arspit... at earthlink.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: usVerse:  The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10:   'Bigger than Your
  Average Teddy Bear Picnic'
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 2006 02:00:34 +0000 (UTC)


The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10

"Now, children, here's a funny story about a small business owner who
says... Arrrhhhahahgggg!!!!!  God!!!  I've been shot!!!  I'm going to
die!!!!  No!!! Don't!!!  I swear -- she told me she was 18!!!!  Oh God!
   This is the end!!!  God, being shot hurts!!!!  It really hurts!!!  No
wait!!!   You don't have to shoot me anymore times!!!  I'm dead!!
Honest!!  Ouch!!  You bastard!!  Okay, I've been shot at least 92
times!!  Don't you think that's enough?!!  Ahhhggggghghh!!!  Okay.  95
times!  Boy being murdered is sure murder!  The Blood!!  The Horror!!
It's all getting dark.  Dark and wet.  Dark and wet and sticky.  Going.
   Going.  Hmm.  Don't seem to have witty last..." And finally the tax
accountant died.  And blood soaked the Teddy Bear picnic.

The children and families looked in horror at what had killed the poor
tax accountant.  It was a turkey.  A cyborg turkey.  A cyborg turkey
with a pimp cane.  And a gun.  And before they could scream in horror,
they joined the tax accountant in the swimming pool of blood!

And Ronald "Hank" Rancherson?  Hank just watched as he clutched his
teddy bear Oswald closely to his body.  And then some force grabbed him.
   And took him to another world.  A better world.

               'Bigger than Your Average Teddy Bear Picnic'

Hank woke up.  Where was he?  It was a picnic!  The biggest picnic he
had ever seen!  And towering above him were two teddy bears the size of
mountains!  One was black.  Black as a Black Hole with a Black Beard
painted Black!  And the other one was white.  White as an Anti-Black
Hole that had just brushed its teeth with Extra-Sparkling White
Toothpaste.  And in between them was a picnic basket.  The biggest picnic
basket that Hank had ever seen.  And the two massive teddy bears picked
out cucumber sandwiches from the basket and they drank some reddish
liquid that looked like strawberry wine.  One of teddy bears was reading
a piece of paper.  After a bit, the two bears noticed Hank watching them.

"So it is time," said the black teddy bear.  "Time for the scene in The
Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10 for us to talk to the child named Hank
and reveal to him the Mysteries of the Universe."

The white teddy bear grunted in agreement as he devoured another
cucumber sandwich.

"Where am I?" asked Hank with some concern.

"This is the Ultimate Teddy Bear Picnic.  It was the first Teddy Bear
Picnic and it shall be the last.  And as it falls into the dust, so will
go time and space."

"Umm -- okay.  Who are you?"

"I am Lord Teddy Bear Byron," said the Black Teddy Bear.

"And I am Lord Teddy Bear Shelley," said the White Teddy Bear.

"Hi.  I'm Hank.  How did I get here?"

"That is a good question.  How does anyone get here?  No one knows.  One
day you wake up and there is a picnic basket filled with cucumber
sandwiches and there is no going back.  For this is all there is.  My
friend Lord Teddy Bear Shelley and I have been here for an eternity and
have come no closer to the answer.  Who are we?  Are we God?  Are we
Satan?  Are we Fate and Destiny?  Are we just two incredibly large Teddy
Bears with very pretentious names?  Perhaps we are Death and these
cucumber sandwiches are the life forces of humanity.  Then again perhaps
it is just a coincidence that every time we eat a sandwich with a name
of a specific person that person dies.  Perhaps."

Hank felt a chill in his bones and clutched his teddy bear Oswald even
tighter.  "I don't..?"

"Oh.  Sorry.  Perhaps this will help explain.  You know your friend
Billy?  He was with you at the Teddy Bear Picnic?"

Hank nodded.

"This sandwich has Billy's name on it."  The black teddy bear popped the
sandwich into its mouth.  "Now Billy is no more."  The black teddy bear
washed the sandwich down with some strawberry wine.

"No!!  You killed Billy!!"  Tears started to stream down Hank's eyes.

"And this sandwich has your friend Suzy's name on it," said the white
teddy bear smacking down another cucumber sandwich.  "Mmm.  Your friend
Suzy was Smack-uh-licious..."

"No!! You're killing all of my friends!!  Stop it!! STOP IT!!!! You
Monsters!!"

"Actually, it is a cyborg turkey with a pimp cane that is killing your
friends undoubtedly Jive the Pimp Turkey who was believed to be killed
in The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8, but now appears to be back in
action.  Although, I suppose it's possible that if we hadn't eaten those
cucumber sandwiches your friends would still be alive.  I guess we'll
never truly know who is to blame," Lord Teddy Bear Byron said reflecting
on this philosophical question.

"Wh-wh-why are you doing this?" cried Hank.

"Because the Cucumber Sandwiches are very tasty.  Would you like one
Hank?"  Lord Teddy Bear Shelley reached into the basket and grabbed
another sandwich.

"No!  I don't want to kill people!!"

"Suit yourself," shrugged Lord Teddy Bear Shelley popping another
sandwich in his mouth.

"Stop!!  You've got to stop this!!  Eating those sandwiches!!  Please!!"
begged Hank.

"But if we stopped eating these sandwiches, we would starve to death.
You wouldn't want us to starve to death, would you, Hank?"

"Yes!!  You're killers!!  You're evil!!!"

"Ah, Hank," Lord Teddy Bear Shelley shook his head.  "When you're older
you'll understand.  There needs to be Teddy Bears to eat cucumber
sandwiches.  For if there were no Teddy Bears the cucumber sandwiches
would overrun the entire Universe and there would be nothing but
cucumber sandwiches."

"I don't care!!  I want to go home!!  I hate this place!!  I hate you!!"
   Hank started balling his eyes out.

"Fine.  But one day you will understand, Hank.  One day.  Goodbye, Hank."

Many years later...

The protagonist's mind returned back to the present.  "I remember.  I
remember everything.  My name.  My past.  My purpose.  I understand.
Finally... I... damn I'm still a severed head."  Hank could feel the Old
Lady in the red bikini stroking his...

Arthur "Bear-tastic" Spitzer