LNH: 58.5 #41 Oh Yeah Baby Gnab Me Harder

Lalo Martins lalo.martins at gmail.com
Fri May 23 11:30:41 PDT 2008

Back on Sunday, April 57th 2007, Cannon Fodder's and Innovative-
Offense Boy's enjoyment of a kiwis-versus-mind-controlled-
insects battle was interrupted by a strange figure.  His skin
was a deep, but reflexive black, like an LCD screen when it's
off.  For hair, he had three thick strands, running from his
eyebrows to the back of his neck; one red, one green, and one
blue.  His eyes were red, and he had sideburns -- green on his
right side, blue on his left.  He told them he was a rogue
member of the Xinerama Brotherhood, self-appointed guardians of
the Usenetverse, and that his brothers had decided to wipe out
the Looniverse, for its annoying insistence on using
alt.comics.lnh in addition to rec.arts.comics.creative.

Almost an year later, or what would be an year if April wasn't
dragging on indefinitely, on April 365th, he returned.  Cannon
Fodder was still around, but Innovative-Offense Boy, Kid Not-
Appearing-In-Any-Beige-Midnight-Story, and a few other
characters which had relevant roles earlier in the series had
already disappeared, like most LNH members, after being chosen
as LNH leader for a day.

And the renegade returned to warn Cannon Fodder: his brothers
were finally turning their attention to the Looniverse.  But he
was killed before he could say much; by another Xinerama
brother, who carries a weapon designed by the Evilverse Doctor
Stomper, an universe-obliterating device we thought lost, known
as... The Ultimate Gnab!


Who Cares Studios implosively presents...
                        __________    ______
                       / ____( __ )  / ____/
                      /___ \/ __  | /___ \
                     ____/ / /_/ / ____/ /


                      You Don't Believe
               We're On The Eve Of Destruction

                       by Lalo Martins



"Have a nice day", said Fan Boy, throwing a playing card on the
growing pile in the middle of the table.  The person sitting
next to him groaned, while the others around the table laughed.

Nearby, but outside the game circle, Ultra-Mobile Dawg shook his
head and said to nobody in particular: "Dazza loada
booty-cheddar, G.  Ya fo shizzle dat dis game got rules?"

"Of course it does", said Analytic, taking his eyes away from
his Net.endo TS[*] for a moment.  "Aren't they obvious enough?"

[* The Net.endo TS is one of the leading portable game consoles
of its time; TS stands for "time sink".  The "TS Lite", branded
and advertised by Easily-Discovered Man Lite, is used by one in
every 20 people between the ages 13 and 30, in Net.ropolis, and
an even larger percentage in Tok.IO. -- Footnote Cybergirl]

"Shiiee all, homies, y'all buck wild", said the Ghetto
Gladiator, throwing up his arms.

Analytic just went back to his Hackamon game.  "Well.  If it's
not your kind of fun, then just don't play.  It's not the end of
the world or anything."

On cue, Bonnie's LNH comm.thingie buzzed.  She pressed a button,
and Cannon Fodder's voice boomed through.

"Xinerama Brother.  Ultimate Gnab.  End of the Universe.  Get
your gang down here chop chop!"

Before he was done talking, she had already dropped her cards
and moved over to the driver's seat.  She started the Mystic
Bandwagon, and threw the comm.thingie over to Daniel, who used
it to figure out where Fodder was transmitting from.


"You're not getting away with it", said Cannon Fodder, crawling
out of some building ruins, waving his Big Gun and trying to
look cool.  He had taken a shot at the Xinerama Brother, then
been punched into the nearest building.  Which was great, as it
gave him time (after being dead for a moment) to call for
reinforcements.  Now all he had to do was keep the Looniverse
alive for a few more minutes until the reinforcements arrived.

~"What are you talking about?"~, asked the Xinerama Brother.

"It's called 'super-hero banter', a local tradition."

~"Fair enough.  I shall respect your ways.  The LNH has a long
and honorable history, it's only fair that I allow you one last
big story, to go out in style."~  He stuck the Ultimate Gnab back
in his pocket.  ~"Let's have a big battle.  Do your best to stop
me.  I'll even attempt an evil laugh if I must."~  And he made a
sound not quite unlike a large, constipated duck being tortured,
heard over the phone.

"Um no, I think we should be able to waive the evil laugh
requirement for you."

~"You don't need to die with this world, Godd Fodder.  You're not
even a native.  Forsake all this silly 'net.hero' nonsense, go
back to alt.fan.bugtown, and you will be spared."~

"Hmm, how about no.  This nonsense is who I am.  My origin only
informs me, it doesn't and will never define me."

~"If you say so.  Are we done with the part where I attempt to
seduce you away from your duties?  I believe I'm quite ready
for the senseless violence which you represent."~

"Ah, is that what that was?  You suck at it, about as much as
you suck at the evil laugh.  You make, as one of my best friends
would put it, one &%%*-!@~ villain."

~"Oh, most certainly.  The villain's wont is ultimately to fail,
while I, on the contrary, am here to obliterate your reality."~

"No decent villain *expects* to fail, dude."

~"Enough banter, Godd Fodder.  Bring on the violence."~

The net.hero shrugged and pointed the Big Gun at a nearby
apartment building (conveniently abandoned, as you always find
in comics).  He shot the building down on the villain's head.

~"Fool"~, said the interdimensional interloper, walking out of
the rubble.  ~"I plan to activate the Ultimate Gnab and crash
your whole universe on my person, and survive.  You seriously
expect one of the pathetic dwellings of this world to hurt me?"~

"Honestly?  I just expect to take a bit of your time, so that my
friends can arrive."  And the newly-arrived, but not yet noticed
by the enemy, Mystic Bandwagon opened its doors, pouring out New
Misfits, random allies, and whatever LNHers had responded.  A
few robot duplicates and Kirbybots could be seen flying towards
the conflict zone.

~"Ah!  How delightful!  A desperate, last-ditch team-up!  Yes,
yes.  I shall allow it."~  And he pressed a button in his armor,
which caused him to grow over 20m tall.  His voice boomed over
the battlefield.  ~"I believe this is an appropriate cliche?"~

In an almost rehearsed move[*], the physical hitters all moved
for a coordinated attack, while the shooters started shooting.
A strand of Blackbird's "Goth Darkness" propelled Ultra-Mobile
Dawg into a crevice of the villain's armor, where he disappeared.

[* The individual teams have most certainly rehearsed it, just
never all of them together. We robot duplicates, obviously,
don't need to rehearse! -- Footnote Cybergirl]

~"Your combined efforts can barely annoy me.  You might as well
give up, your world is condemned."~

Pantra was a few blocks away, running towards the scene.  She
had no comm.thingie or any other channel of communication with
the people involved, but the sudden appearance of a giant alien
being shot by high-energy blasts in the same neighborhood where
she had been busy minutes before teaching some drug dealers to
be mortally afraid of high schools sounded like too much luck.

She crashed into a man running in the opposite direction.

"Wha tha %~!*... Cannon Fodder?"

"Hey, hi yourself."

"Where the ^~=& are you going?  The fight is that way."

"Which is where I'm least useful right now.  If you want to join
them, good luck, tell them I said hi."

"But, but--" She was so disappointed at the Legionnaire she
admired so much, she couldn't find words.  Then she noticed
something; she sniffed, and confirmed it.  "Wait... I don't
smell fear.  Concern?"

"Look.  What use would my powers, even my newly-defined powers,
be in a battle against one mega-powered enemy?  If it's an army
of nameless grunts, sure, I can decimate them like dominoes.
But if the guy simply can't be harmed, then all my powers would
do is cause *my* side to be massacred."

Pantra seemed thoughtful for a moment, but it didn't last.
"Whatever.  Cya, things to slash now."  And she poinged along.

Meanwhile, the combined efforts of the New Misfits, plus the
Amazing Amazon using her awesomium sword as a lever, had managed
to trip the Xinerama brother and make him fall on his ass,
destroying a few houses in the process.  He laughed.

A Kirbybot flew by and discharged a full-power blast on his
face, burning much of the rubble to cinders.  The supersized
villain just crushed the robot like a fly.

[* Do Kirbybots grow more and more wimpy as the time they have
last been in touch with their original increases? -- FCg]

~"Give it up!  There is nothing you can--"~

But a loud groan could be heard from his chest.  He looked
down.  And then he started to shrink.  Ultra-Mobile Dawg
appeared there, bursting with energy; as the Xinerama Brother
shrank back to normal, Dawg started to grow himself, first back
to normal, then more and more, at the same time becoming less
solid.  "Amma big beater, but neva mac ma game so serious...
Gettin' crunked up real mad... Ballin-outta-control...  Finna
rollout now..."  And then he just dissipated.

~"Noble.  But futile.  Size doesn't make a difference."~

"No?", asked Blackbird, surrounded with the black aura of his
power ready to strike.  All the other heavy shooters were
similarly ready around him.  "Can you take all our attacks at
the same time then, without at least destroying the Gnab?"  And
they all shot; Goth Darkness, Big Guns, Kirby-rays, tornado-
level winds, smoke rings, and much more.

"IN-CI-NE-RATE", said the Irony Man robot duplicate.

But he wasn't there to take the attack.  He reappeared behind
them, a few moments later, still touching the device in his
wrist.  And he was welcomed back to the Looniverse by Pantra,
Old Ugly, Howie K., and an arrow from the Amazing Amazon.  He
took a few hits, then pressed the button again and was gone.

Contraption Boy whispered in Analytic's ear; Analytic whispered
back, and looked around.

The villain appeared again.  Again, he was shot by the Mystic
Bandwagon's Big Guns[*], Amazing Amazon, Blackbird, and Minority
Miss.  Again, he took some hits, then disappeared.

[* Cannon Fodder, Bandwagon Chick and Contraption Boy installed
some during the Crime Empire campaign.  Those, since weight is
not a concern, are about a hundred times more powerful than the
"personal" model. Which once more proves that machines, even
Mystical ones, can do anything better than biological organisms,
even the super ones. -- Footnote Cybergirl]

Next time he appeared, he braced for a hit.  What he did get was
Pantra stuck to his face and refusing to let go.  He thrashed a
bit, and just as he did that, Contraption Boy nicked the device
from his wrist.

"Got it, Pantra.  You can let go now."

She jumped off, and all the shooters hit him at once.

~"Fools!  That is my navigational device, I don't require it to
cross-post!  Only makes my return faster..."~

"Yeah", said Analytic, "and if you're in a hurry to implode us
out of existence, you won't cross-post away if it wasn't easy to
come back, would you?"

He sighed.  ~"I tire of this.  I gave you one last story.  Now
the time to end this imprint has come."~  And he pulled the
Ultimate Gnab out of his pocket.  All eyes were fixed there.

No, not at him.  At the cloaked figure standing just beside
him.  The Time Crapper?  How and when did he get there?  And
just as the Xinerama Brother dramatically flashed the Gnab on
his left hand, the hooded character snatched it.  "I'll be
having that, thank you very much."  And then he was gone.


But all the net.heroes were surrounding him again, ready to shoot.

~"Pointless.  There's nothing to be gained by beating you.  I
shall depart, and find another way of destroying this universe.
But it won't be long!  You haven't won!"~

And then he, too, was gone.


 Wally Windsor         Fan Boy                mine
 Doug "Dawg" Tyler     Ultra-Mobile Dawg      mine
 Meredith Samuels      Analytic               mine
 Bonnie Chique         Bandwagon Chick        Sue Clark's
 Daniel Hunt           Contraption Boy        mine
 Godd Fodder           Cannon Fodder          wReam's (special
                                              thanks to Dvandom)
 Maisie Colbert        Pantra                 May B.'s
 Amanda "Amy" Zing     The Amazing Amazon     mine
 Blackbird Jones       Blackbird              mine
 Margo "Maggie" Sumner Smoke Ring Girl        mine
 a robot duplicate     Irony Man (robot)      Rob Rogers'
 Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi       Howie K.               mine
 Apoena Goulao         Minority Miss          mine
 Green Delaware        Tree-Hugging Kid       mine
 Blur                  Blur                   mine

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