PROMO/LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #15 Teaser!

Tarq mitchell_crouch at
Wed May 21 02:58:59 PDT 2008

Dramatic theme music started to play, and several seedy looking bar
patrons looked up and suspended their seedy looking pool games as
dramatic right-angled triangles flashed across the screen, along with
the Pythagoras theorem and shots of men running around wearing tight
red or blue spandex with helmets, elbow-pads, knee-pads, shin-guards,
wrist-guards and padded gloves of the corresponding colour. The men in
red had a right-angled triangle on the front of their costumes, the
hypotenuse in bold white and the two shorter sides in blue. The men in
blue had the shorter sides in the bolded white, with the hypotenuse in
red. The theme music came to its dramatic climax as the title of the
show appeared in massive letters on the screen:


"For MILLENNIA (a voice began to yell from the television), LIFE has
EXISTED on planet EARTH! This is because of PYTHAGORAS and TRIANGLES!
Everyone knows that the SQUARE of the HYPOTENUSE is equal to the SUM
of the SQUARES on the TWO SHORT SIDES, but today YOU will be watching
MEN take this to SERIOUS EXTREMES!!"

The shot changed to a man wearing a cheap imitation of a Grecian robe.
Half of his body was painted red; the other half, blue. He sported
alternating lipstick, nail polish, hair dye and contact lenses, and a
white line ran down the middle of him. "I am PYTHAGORAS," the man
screamed at the camera, "and I will be your HOST today on HYPOTENUSE
RUNNERS!" The man pulled a bizarre face and made a right-angled
triangle with his hands. "Today's CHAMPIONS of MATHEMATICA are...!"

A clip began to play of a man in a red uniform running through the
streets of Net.ropolis, dramatically jumping over obstacles in his
way. A wild applause broke out in the bar as Pythagoras declared,
"This is RAMBO! Today, Rambo will be running the HYPOTENUSE of a

"And his OPPONENT," -- boos were hurled at the screen as it showed a
man in a blue uniform running through the streets of Net.ropolis,
performing ridiculous flips for no immediately apparent reason -- "is
BEDLAM, who will be running the TWO SHORT SIDES! Who will get to the
finish point FIRST?!"

A fast-forwarded video taken from the perspective of a flight.thingy
began to play, showing the city of Net.ropolis in its entirety. The
camera zoomed in on one street corner. "THIS," Pythagoras promised,
"is where our RUNNERS will START from!" A map of the city faded in
over the top of the video, marking in the point shown. "BEDLAM will be
running SIX MILES SOUTH, before turning (you guessed it!) NINETY
DEGREES and running EIGHT MILES EAST!" Blue lines marked in Bedlam's
plotted route. "Meanwhile, RAMBO will be cutting STRAIGHT ACROSS THE
CITY OF NET.ROPOLIS to arrive in the EXACT SAME SPOT, taking a course
of only TEN MILES!" A red line cut straight through several buildings
to join the ends of Bedlam's path.

"Their DESTINATION?" The camera settled on a familiar building. "The
LEGIONNAIRE..." The television showed Bad-Timing Boy, slouching a little
and looking very exasperated. He seemed to be trying to express his
discomfort, but whatever he was saying wasn't being played. "...BAD-
TIMING BOY, who was the lucky FIRST LEGIONNAIRE to come across our
ROAMING `HYPOTENUSE RUNNERS' VAN, which parks randomly around

The scene changed again, this time to Rambo and Bedlam standing next
to each other as Pythagoras held a small pistol up in the air. "And
now it's time for the race to START! Who will get there FIRST and
Pythagoras pulled the trigger, and the two competitors leapt off the


Finally, reality TV worth watching!

Don't go away, LEGION OF NET.HEROES fans -- 'Alt.stralian Yarns #15:
Q7 - Pistols at Dawn' will be out shortly!

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