LNH: 58.5 #39 Yes I So *Can* Write Kid Recap

Lalo Martins lalo.martins at gmail.com
Fri May 9 14:46:56 PDT 2008

Hi!  Kid Recap here.  Funky numbering aside, this issue is more
or less the middle of the road for the series.  So, the New
Misfits and Cannon Fodder asked me to set aside a few minutes
and bring you up to date on the story so far.  If you're picking
up the series now, this is the best issue to start with.  If
you're pondering whether to pick it up but intimidated by the
number, this one is for you.  If you just want to recap and
refresh your memory -- and who doesn't love a recap? -- then by
all means enjoy it.  If you did read everything up to now, maybe
more than once, and still have no clue what's going on, well
then, I guess this issue won't help too much, as it's exactly as
badly written as the rest.  Sorry!

58.5 is a series of fiction stories in a shared universe called
"LNH", which stands for Legion of Net.Heroes, the premier
super-hero organization of this universe.  Obviously, it's a
setting where most stories follow the super-hero genre, or mock
it, or (usually) a combination of the two.

The LNH is headquartered in a city called Net.ropolis; many
places and concepts in the LNH universe have names which are
puns with internet or computing concepts, and particular
preference is given to Usenet terminology, since the LNH was
born from the Usenet, and still has its home in the
rec.arts.comics.creative newsgroup.  Other places and concepts
just simply have puns in their names, with no other criteria
than being funny; the universe (in the astronomic rather than
literary sense) is called the Looniverse, the planet is
Looniearth, and Net.ropolis is located in the Loonited States of
Ame.rec.a.  (If you're a comic book or sci-fi reader familiar
with the concept of multiverses, then you'd like to know the
Looniverse is part of a multiverse called the Usenetverse.)

However, reality seems to be more or less fluid; in some stories
you'll hear the country be referred to as "Usenetted States"
instead, and even the stranger "United States" (where did they
come up with *that* one?).  As Malaclypse the Younger would say,
all of them are true.  Equally, the location of Net.ropolis is
officially defined as "wherever is convenient for the story
being told"; it most certainly has a bay where a river ends, and
this bay is most of the time connected to an ocean, usually the
Atla.net.ic, but not always.  It's often capital of the state of
Net.ropolis, and sometimes part of Net.York or some other state.

The writers behind the LNH *sometimes* like to take things a bit
seriously; in fact, sometimes they make things funny precisely
by taking some comic book concepts more seriously than they are
usually taken in comics.  Mostly for that reason, the Looniearth
is quite a bit more advanced than your Earth, thanks to all the
super-geniuses running around; apparently, the economy of the
"emerging countries" and Loonited States is a lot more stable,
and space exploration is strong and viable, with a few space
elevators already in operation; asteroid mining has been
happening commercially for a few years already.

The LNH itself is a huge organization; most active super-powered
beings (called net.ahumans in the Looniearth) are affiliated
with it, if neutral or benign, and fight against it, in the case
of net.villains.  To be sure, not all of them are
planet-juggling titans; we have net.heroes with the power of
glowing a radioactive green, making cheesecake, never sleeping,
and in one case, the power of doing nothing whatsoever.  Of
course, on the other end of the spectrum there is me, Kid Recap,
with the ability to recap and clarify any story!  *Ahem*...

Anyways, as I was saying, the LNH has, or had until March 2007,
something between one and four hundred human or humanoid
members.  (There's also "collective memberships": a few hundred
green kiwis, originally brought in by Kid Kiwi, and a few
hundred oozelfinches, you don't really want to know what those
are or where they came from, trust me.)  Those members have all
sorts of powers, come from all walks of life (and unlife in some
cases), and from everywhere on Looniearth, and other planets,
dimensions, and time periods too.

For the last few years ("few" is deliberately vague here), the
leader of the whole LNH has been the Ultimate Ninja.  His past
is shrouded in mystery, because it just wouldn't be fun
otherwise, see for example what happened to our dear Mr. Howlett
after his childhood was brought up.  Ultimate Ninja, or UN, is,
well, the ultimate ninja!  He's pretty good at hiding, sneaking,
intimidating, and killing.  What?  You ask how that makes a good
leader?  Ssh, don't say that out loud.  It just does.  Trust
me.  As proof, last year we had an election to replace him, and
out of a few very qualified candidates, we elected... the
Ultimate Ninja.  So shut up or I'll go call him.

(Oops, I shouldn't have said that.  The election actually
happens after the time period of 58.5.  So, um, pretend I
didn't; after all, since I'm writing this before it happened,
there's no way I could have known, right?)

Well.  On March 31st, 2007, the Ultimate Ninja took his first
vacation in decades.  To lead the LNH in his absence, he
nominated Fearless Leader, a character created by Dave "Dvandom"
a few years ago with the express purpose of leading the LNH, or,
in other words, a very frustrated being.  Well, on April 1st he
finally had his day.

I guess I shouldn't be that literal.

He did, actually, have one day.  Exactly at midnight, he
disappeared mysteriously, forcing the remaining LNH to pick
another leader.

And for the remainder of April, every day one leader was chosen,
and every night that leader would disappear.  That would have
been bad, if April had behaved like a normal, good-mannered
month and had the sense to end.  However, after April 30 came
April 31, then 32 and so on; we're now on April 365th, which, if
you ask me, is just ridiculous.  But nobody does ask me, ever.

For the last two terms, the President of the Loonited States has
been a net.villain, who used to fight the LNHer Bicycle Repair
Man, Hexadecimal "Hex" Luthor.  Yeah, I know this is a spoof
that comes dangerously close to plagiarism, but trust me, Hex
Luthor is a *very* different character from the other guy you're
thinking of.  (No, not George W. Bush.)  When the LNH started
its collective disappearing act, although the fact was kept
secret from the public (thanks to robotic duplicates invented by
the LNH's primary genius scientist, Doctor Stomper), the
President did of course learn about it, and responded by
activating his own net.ahuman defense agency, PANIC (The
Paranormal, Alien and Net.ahuman Investigation Commission).

In April 56th, a group of apprentice heroes from an alternate
future, formerly known as the "Acra Flight", landed in the LNH
timeline.  They decided not to join the LNH (partially to avoid
being picked as leaders), and adopted the name "New Misfits".
The long-time LNHer Bandwagon Chick joined them, along with one
of the kiwis.

And, if this part of the recap was enough to convince to read
the series from the beginning, this is where you should stop,
and go do that.  Now I mean it!  Go go go!  You can read the
rest when you're done!


The New Misfits were later joined by two PANIC agents, Dramatic
Pause Lass (Lieutenant Francesca Blake) and Hyperbolic Boy; the
latter would die in a mission in Los Angeles, causing Dramatic
Pause Lass to leave the group rather unfriendly-ly.  Two other
time travellers joined the group as well: Locked Room, a girl
born in the year 6,345,789, along with her pet artificial giant
telepathic terrestrial trilobite; and Daniel Hunt, former
sidekick of the LNHer Contraption Man (and sometimes called
Contraption Boy).

Shortly after the death of Hyperbolic Boy, the kiwi would be
changed by the net.villainess Mother Time into a humanoid; he
now wears a kimono and a trenchcoat, and was given the name
Howie K.

Meanwhile, the long-time LNH comic relief, er, I mean, valued
member Cannon Fodder embarked on an investigation to uncover a
group of mysterious beings who call themselves the Xinerama
Brotherhood, self-appointed guardians of the Usenetverse intent
on destroying the Looniverse.  He is joined by another "classic"
LNHer, Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story, who got
somehow mysteriously changed into Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-
Beige-Midnight-Story.  No, I don't know what "Beige Midnight"
is, and neither does he.  The two of them started investigating
a new organization, referred to only as "The Crime Empire", who
was taking over a very large number of criminal operation all
over the world, apparently with help from the Xinerama, and
acquiring weapons and training from a place called Workolips[*].

[* Like many things in the LNH, Workolips was originally going
to be an one-off joke; one given month I didn't write as much as
I wanted because I had too much work, so I came up with this
line about surviving "the firing pits and sweat shops of
Workolips".  It kind of grew on me...  (-- the author)]

Cannon Fodder and Kid-You-Know-Who ended up in a plane of
existence called alt.fan.bugtown, where Cannon Fodder learned
(again?) his true origin, and then his *real* true origin, and
how he's connected to the primal force of "senseless violence".
>From there, they proceeded to Workolips, where, with the help of
some pandimensional allies, they performed a hostile takeover,
buying the whole planet, and rebranding it as Allcoppolys, "now
the Usenetverse's newest Excessive-Force-Happy Law Enforcement
and Rent-a-Cop business."

Meanwhile, the New Misfits discovered that the former LNHer,
Weirdness Magnet, had become the net.villain Paraddox, after
having his intelligence "amplified" by the living virus Melissa,
also known as Vector Prime.  He plucked an alternate version of
himself from the time stream to take his place in the LNH[*],
and also plucked the New Misfits into the main timeline, for
reasons that aren't yet clear.  (He needed enemies?)  Then he
and Melissa took over the Crime Empire, formerly ran by a man
called Khe Sharaq.  This was about two years ago, so when I said
a while ago The Crime Empire was getting big, it was already
thanks to them, or their fault, or something.

[* It's a little more complicated than that, but if you really
care about the fine points, go read the series!  The explanation
is in issue #23...]

Mary Smith, one of the original Acra Flight members, was
apparently killed in a fight with demons, seriously shaking her
teammates and friends' feelings and confidence.  While she was
mentally a teenager, her appearance was that of a four-year-old
girl, and she was arguably the heart of the New Misfits.

The group, in fact, seems to have a problem keeping its members
alive.  A new member, Smiley, pointed that out, and then left
the group, being immediately ran over by a car.  Locked Room
died heroically in a submarine, and one member only joined the
group *after* dying -- Sgt. Lauro Graziani, Dramatic Pause Lass'
cousin, was killed in action, and offered his body as a vessel
for the Etruscan god of war, Laran.  Or maybe he didn't, and
he's just a nutjob with net.ahuman powers who likes to run
around naked.  The jury is still out on that one, and I do mean
literally -- as seen in recent issues (*ahem*), he's currently
in a PANIC detention facility.

Another girl who would point out the group's apparent
unpreparedness is The Amazing Amazon, inheritor of a mysterious
force she calls "the Amazing", which previously belonged to her
deceased brother, Hyperbolic Boy.  Although, different from
Smiley, she preferred to make her point by kicking the New
Misfits' collective behinds.

April 248th was the day the nightmare seemed to end.  This day,
most of the missing LNH returned, to enthusiastic reception.
Unfortunately, it would turn out that they were actually
invaders from an alt.ernate universe "with no redeeming
qualities", which they refer to as the Evilverse.  They
successfully defeated and imprisoned the remaining LNHers, then
took over Net.ropolis; before they could extend their reach,
President Luthor isolated the city in a force field.  The New
Misfits got accidentally stuck inside it, where they joined the
Resistance (strangely enough, led by the Crime Empire).  Their
efforts culminated in an epic battle just outside the LNHQ.
Cannon Fodder and Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story
returned from Allcoppolys during this battle, freed their
teammates, and joined the fray, with Kid Yadda-Yadda-Yadda being
chosen the LNH leader of the day.  With the help of PANIC, The
Amazing Amazon, Pantra, and the forces of Allcoppolys, they
finally banished the Evilverse invaders and closed the portal.

But the evil Doctor Stomper had foreseen this possibility, and
created the ultimate evil weapon, the Ultimate Gnab.  Geez, I
just used Ultimate twice in the same sentence.  Maybe I can work
for Marvel.  I was saying?  Yeah.  A weapon that would
implosively compress an entire universe in a matter of seconds.
Yes, implosively is a word, I'm saying so.  They intended to
fire this weapon if they were defeated; the Resistance got word
of this, and sent the New Misfits to steal the Gnab.  It didn't
go over as well as planned; the Gnab was stolen and taken where
the Evilverse LNH couldn't use it, but that ended up being the
bottom of E Bay, with the aforementioned death of Locked Room.
So, we defeated the Evilverse LNH, and they didn't blow up our
universe.  Or blow down.  Or something.

Damn, will Deja Dude say it sounds dirty to "blow down" an
universe?  Ah, but he was already LNH leader.  I guess I'll
worry about that when and if April ends.

What?  Who is Pantra?  Ah, that's a bit complicated.  She used
to be WannaBe Girl, an acquaintance of the Acra Flight who
"infiltrated" the group as it was sent back to the past for
unclear reasons.  She had the power of "becoming" other
net.heroes for a limited time.  During a party in the LNHQ in
April 56th, her old powers contacted the concept of an LNHer who
got retroactively erased from continuity -- and again, I'm not
supposed to know that, so pretend I didn't say it -- and, since
the old character doesn't exist and technically never did, it
caused a strange reaction, making the change permanent, but
introducing a few key differences.  Or something.  The short
answer is, she's a furry, feline girl, with the usually
associated powers and bad attitude.  She's *not* a member of the
New Misfits or the LNH; she's been road-tripping since her
"creation" until the Evilverse invasion, after which she stuck
around to help Net.ropolis rebuild, ostensibly because "it gives
me a better, steadier supply of things to hit".

After the invasion, and an unsuccessful attempt to help Laran
(which put them again in bad terms with PANIC), the New Misfits
started a large-scale operation to systematically dismantle the
Crime Empire.  They're joined by new characters Fan Boy and
Smoke Ring Girl.  There was also, briefly, a Captain Roadkill...
don't ask.  Anyway, the Crime Empire operation culminated last
issue, with the final showdown against Paraddox and the Crime
Empress... you didn't miss it, did you?  (*Ahem*)

I think that's it, am I missing something?

Oh yeah, there's this character called Whino Lad who shows up
now and then with cryptic clues about the future, or something.
See, the truth is that Whino Lad is... sit back, it's a somewhat
long story...

Oh, will you look at that, I'm out of lines.  Next time then,
perhaps.  Meanwhile, enjoy the series!


Who Cares Studios diligently presents...
                        __________    ______
                       / ____( __ )  / ____/
                      /___ \/ __  | /___ \
                     ____/ / /_/ / ____/ /


                   I Believe in Yesterday

                       by Lalo Martins



Kid Recap is Josh Geurink's.

Everybody else is someone's, there's too many and I can't be
bothered to make a list.

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