LNH: 58.5 #29 Look Ma I can Write Big Events
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Wed May 7 07:27:56 PDT 2008
[gods, I suck, or something. Two months without posting and I
forget how to do it?]
In another plane of existence, a red-haired girl was intently
studying complex diagrams and practicing hand gestures. A
beast, larger and more terrible than most minds can cope with,
approached and looked at her with the pride of a master.
%YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED AT YOUR HOME WORLD IN A LONG TIME.%
"What's the point? I have much to do. And since we have
accelerated time here, every time I look it's more or less the
same thing." She didn't even look at him.
%IT'S NOT THE SAME THING NOW. YOU SHOULD LOOK.%
She displayed vague interest and looked into the beast's eyes.
What she saw was worry, even fear. Not a sight she was
accustomed to. She dropped the books and quickly cast a viewing
spell she had already mastered long before.
"What's going on?", she asked, studying the carnage around the
LNHQ. "Is it time for me to return already?"
%THEY COULD SURELY USE YOUR HELP, BUT YOU'RE NOT READY.%
"Why did you want me to see this then? I'll have trouble
concentrating for days, knowing my loved ones are in danger and
I can't go help them!"
%THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MOMENT. THIS VERY BATTLE IS THE APEX OF,
AS I CALL IT, THE SECOND TURNING POINT.%
"You've spoken to me of seven turning points. The first being
that, since the beginning of April, one LNHer (sometimes more)
was picked as leader, every day, and disappeared at midnight.
That wouldn't be such a big deal, if it wasn't for the fact that
April has already lasted for 290 days."
%INDEED. NOW WE HAVE WHAT, IN DAYS TO COME, WILL BE REFERRED TO
AS "BEIGE TWILIGHT". A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE LOONIEARTH WAS
INVADED BY AN ALTERNATE LNH FROM THE "EVILVERSE". THEY DEFEATED
MOST OF THE REMAINING MEMBERS OF THE "REAL" LNH, AND TOOK OVER
NET.ROPOLIS. PRESIDENT LUTHOR THEN DECIDED TO SEAL THE CITY IN
A FORCE FIELD. THE NEW MISFITS GOT STUCK INSIDE IT, WHERE THEY
JOINED THE RESISTANCE, WHICH STRANGELY ENOUGH, IS LED BY THE
CRIME EMPIRE, WHICH IN TURN IS LED BY PARADDOX (FORMERLY
WEIRDNESS MAGNET) AND VECTOR PRIME (A.K.A. THE MELISSA VIRUS).%
%NOW CANNON FODDER FREED THE REMAINING LNH, UNDER LEADERSHIP OF
KID-NOT-APPEARING-IN-ANY-BEIGE-MIDNIGHT-STORY, TO JOIN THE NEW
MISFITS, THE RESISTANCE, THE CRIME EMPIRE, AND THE LOONITED
STATES ARMED FORCES (UNDER COMMAND OF P.A.N.I.C.), FOR THE FINAL
BATTLE AGAINST THE EVILVERSE LNH.%
"Sounds nasty. But why is it important? Are we going to lose?"
%WATCH AND SEE...%
Who Cares Studios apotheotically presents...
/ ____( __ ) / ____/
/___ \/ __ | /___ \
____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
Equal To The Love You Make
by Lalo Martins
Part 12 of Beige Twilight
Pantra was tearing through Evilverse soldiers with a joy and
abandon rarely seen in the absence of Ultimate Ninja. With her
uncanny, almost supernatural talent for finding trouble, she
steadily drifted towards the place where Laran and Cannon Fodder
where building a large pile of bodies.
"Why hello there, tall, gorgeous and naked", she purred.
Laran looked at the leopard girl for a few moments, without
stopping the carnage. "Say, you look familiar. Have we met?"
"Mnoo, I don't think so. Maybe you're confusing me with
"It seems there was a girl who looked like me but there wasn't
really, or something like that. A few years ago."
"No, I don't think I met her either. I'm thinking a few
thousand years ago, somewhere in Egypt." He shrugged. "Maybe
just a relative of yours."
The battle could no longer fit the LNHQ and surrounding grounds.
It had spread all over the nearby neighborhood, from E Bay
to Barnes Street. Which was, of course, very convenient; after
all, what big super-hero battle is complete without flying
through buildings, destroying buildings, throwing cars at each
other, and ripping off pavement as if it was a carpet?
(Fun fact: the pavement in Net.ropolis is made of a special
material developed by Doctor Stomper after an idea from (like
many of Stomper's most practical inventions) Captain Cleanup.
Whenever there's no weight or pressure on it at all, it melts
into a paste, and tries to bond with any surrounding volumes of
the same material. A very simple concept, which resulted in
pavement that pretty much repairs itself. Of course, this being
Net.ropolis, there are all sorts of nasty thing that happen to
the pavement which this invention can't fix; but, as Captain
Cleanup would say, "it's a start"!)
"We're losing", Fearsome Leader told Evil Ultimate Ninja. "I
can't accept losing. Bring in the last-resort reinforcements."
The ninja saluted and somersaulted through the portal.
*Oh no*, said Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass, who had been
near the evi.leader spying for any change of plans. "I need to
warn Kid-Not-Appearing-in-any-Beige-Midnight-Story!" But she
looked around, and couldn't find Fourth Wall Lass, or anyone
else who was able to perceive her. So she made her way to the
LNH leader of the day, and started frantically waving and
yelling at him.
The leader was busy spanking the evil version of WikiBoy (his
name was About.Kid). "Tell me", he said. "Why haven't I seen
my own counterpart?"
"I don't know, seriously! I haven't seen Kid
Not-Appearing-in-any-Beige-Twilight-Story in weeks!"
The Ace in Azure sighed. He had concocted such a brilliant plan
to defeat himself!
*tek tek tek tek tek*, made something duct-taped to the leader's
azure costume, in the left arm. He stopped beating The Evi.Lord
Who Shamelessly Copies Everyone Else's Content and listened.
"Invisible Intangible Inaudible Lass?"
*You can perceive me?*
*tek tek tek tek tek*
"No, but the Secretary Box can. I--"
"Excuse me", said About.Kid. If you don't need me anymore, I
guess I'll get going--"
Kid Not-Appearing-in-any-Beige-Midnight-Story knocked him out
And at that very moment, the portal started pouring out the
Evilversions of all net.villains they had.
"Oh blast", said the LNH leader. "What could they be in the
Evilverse? We've been told there are no good guys there,
so... rebels? Victims? Worse than the LNH?"
"Right now", said Cannon Fodder, "what they are is 'fighting
us'. I motion that this is all we need to know."
*This is what I was trying to tell you about*, said IIILass. *I
heard Fearful Leader calling for those. Guess I'm too late!*
"Maybe not", said the Ace in Azure. "Did you hear anything else
that could be useful?"
*Well. Fearsome Leader called them 'the last-resort
"Last resort, eh? Swell! Secretary Box, call in *our*
last-resort reinforcements then!"
"Say what?", asked Bonnie (Bandwagon Chick), who was one of many
people around Cannon Fodder waving Big Guns. "Where did *you*
guys get last-resort reinforcements?"
"A while ago", explained Cannon Fodder, "we, um, 'got
infiltrated' in Workolips--"
"Not entirely on purpose."
"anyways... then I vowed to take over the whole--"
"For real? How do you take over a world like that?"
Fodder smiled. "Not as hard as it sounds. You have to
remember, their whole way of life was based on an exaggerated
version of corporate culture."
"Yeah, and I don't think any of us is too good at that..."
"Yeah. But it does mean there's an established way to topple
it. I just performed a hostile takeover."
Bonnie blinked twice. "You *bought* Workolips? Seriously?
With what money?"
"Oh, not me. I just... represented an interested party."
"The Existents. Take an almost infinite number of universes,
get a few dollars from each one where you can spare them, and
you have enough money to buy a planet."
"Out of the kindness of their hearts?"
"Scrad no. They're a famous band in thousands of universes,
they could certainly use a private security force."
"So what did you do with the... er... your planet?"
"Rebranded, retargeted, reinvented. It's now the Usenetverse's
newest Excessive-Force-Happy Law Enforcement and Rent-a-Cop
And just then, a few dozen Bang Paths opened in the sky,
admitting thousands of creatures, in blue uniform, and armed to
the (pretty large) teeth.
"Behold", Fodder said, with undisguised pride. "The
Patrol-demons of Allcoppolys. Oh, and there's my friend Clara,
with her special unit, the Female SWAT."
And all around them, Evilverse invaders started dropping their
arms, surrendering, swearing revenge, and being sent back
through the portal.
She whistled. "That's what I call a battle."
%WELL. NOT QUITE. IF YOU LOOKED CLOSER, YOU'D NOTICE THERE
WERE ALSO TRIVIA CHALLENGES, COOKING CONTESTS, SPELLING BEES,
TWO OR THREE POLITICAL ARGUMENTS, A POKER TABLE, AND A PATCH
TOWARDS THE MIDDLE WHERE PROCRASTINATION BOY AND AN ALTERNATE
SUPER APATHY LAD WERE LEADING A TWO-WORLD TEAM VERY INTENTLY
DOING NOTHING WHATSOEVER.%
"I did notice. Well. Ok. An LNH battle at least."
%BUT IT'S OVER NOW. THE SECOND TURNING POINT IS PAST.%
"And we didn't lose."
%INDEED. I NEVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD.%
"Then? It's just another invasion."
%IT'S A HUGE INVASION, AND THEY WERE SUCCESSFUL FOR A TIME.
THEY TOOK OVER NET.ROPOLIS, HELD IT, AND WERE THIS CLOSE% -- the
Leviathan tried to make a gesture to indicate something very
small, which didn't come across too well with fingers large
enough to crush a person's body, soul and dreams to paste -- %TO
TAKING OVER THE WHOLE WORLD. WHY? BECAUSE THE LNH WASN'T
AROUND TO STOP THEM.%
%AND, THIS IS WHEN PRESIDENT LUTHOR REALIZES HOW DANGEROUS IT
WOULD BE TO DESTROY THE LNH. THEY ARE, AFTER ALL, THE
EXISTENTIAL CENTER OF THE LOONIVERSE, EVEN THE USENETVERSE.
THIS IS WHEN LUTHOR REALIZES IT WOULD BE WISER, INSTEAD, TO TAKE
CONTROL OF IT. AND HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO ACCOMPLISH THAT.%
"Oh. I don't quite like the sound of that."
The Leviathan Paul Hardy's
Mary Smith mine
Maisie Colbert Pantra May B.'s
Sgt. Lauro Graziani Laran, god of war mine
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass Jamie Rosen's
Terry Kid-Not-Appearing-In- Saxon Brenton's
Godd Fodder Cannon Fodder wReam's (special
thanks to Dvandom)
Bonnie Chique Bandwagon Chick Sue Clark's
Clara Lee-Trobbo mine
Secretary Boxes open "Bang Paths", out of a number of possible
names, just because Martin thinks "Secretary Box" sounds dirty.
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