LNH: Beige Countdown #1: 'In the Palm of the HeartThrob'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Mar 31 20:06:01 PDT 2008
[Note for Readers: Read Beige Countdown #2 before you read this.
Unless there's no Beige Countdown #2 in which case you should probably
read this first.]
[Cover: A female hand pops out of the Ultimate Ninja's chest holding
his heart. The Ultimate Ninja looks down with amazement.]
[B E I G E]
[C O U N T # 1 D O W N !]
"Man, when is Karl coming back with those sandwiches?! It's been like
over an hour!" The voice came from a security person wearing a black
bulletproof vest labeled 'Thug #784' and a black helmet with a flame
type logo on it holding an automatic rifle.
"Well, traffic has gotten bad. Ever since that damn Beige Tower
appeared it's caused all kinds of horrible traffic jams. Takes me like
four hours just to get home sometimes," said a similarly dressed man
with the label 'Thug #323'. "Especially now with that big moat they dug
around it to stop suicides."
"Yeah. Why the hell can't the government get rid of it? Damn
government. God um hungry."
"Well there's the vending machine."
"Nahh. Trying to eat healthier lately. Wife's got me on a stupid diet."
The other man snickered to himself.
"Jesus, this job is a snooze. Watching some ninja sleep."
"Pays good though. Kind of envy that ninja. They say that alien
creature on him is pumping in the sweetest type of dreams into him.
Giving him his heart desire. Man. I'd love that *&%@*& to happen to me."
"What would your heart's desire be?"
"Me? Hell, I don't know. Hmm. Oh wait. Yeah. I'd have this gigantic
ship bigger than the Titanic. Yeah. And it would have every type of
drug on it and gambling and prostitutes. Yeah, tons of prostitutes.
They'd be like million dollar prostitutes and rich people would pay
millions of dollars just to bang them. Me they'd do for free of course.
But I'd be like this pimp. Super Pimp on the High Seas! And it would
all be legal. Yeah that's what would do it for me, I think. What about
you? What's your poison?"
"Me? Christ. Don't know. Maybe -- be a superhero."
"A superhero?" The guard laughed. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, I know. It's stupid. But when I was a kid -- had this dream.
I'd get in some accident that gave me powers -- and I'd make myself a
costume -- build myself a rep -- and then the LNH would see me and
they'd ask me to join them and I would -- and I'd be the greatest
superhero there ever was -- saving the world every day. Everyone would
love me. Everyone would want to be me. Yeah, stupid. I know. Life
didn't go that way though. Dropped out of school. Fell in the wrong
crowd. Drugs. Stealing. Did jail. Next thing you know I'm a hired
thug for Y-Plex Burp and then Mr. Homage and then wReamicus Maximus and
so on. Stupid, right?"
"It's not stupid, kid. That's life. The lucky guys get to save the
world. The rest of us get to watch the lucky guys save it while we
"The lucky guys like him," Thug #323 said gesturing towards the sleeping
form of the Ultimate Ninja.
"Yep. Lucky bastard. Sweet Dreams."
"Heh. Sweet Dreams."
'In the Palm of the HeartThrob'
The Ultimate Ninja brushed his finger against one of the bars to his
jail cell. One swift kick and he'd be out of here. Why was he in this
cell? Rules. Meaningless Rules.
There had been a time long ago, back in the pre-LNH days, when there had
been no rules. No laws. Total Freedom. What did he trade that for?
For this? How long was he going to stay here?
"You know, we could maybe -- team up. You think?"
The Ultimate Ninja turned his head around to see who was daring to speak
"I mean with your ninja skills and my brains we could -- I don't know --
take over the world? I'm just saying -- that's a possibility iF we were
to say -- team up?"
"Who are you?"
"Ah, the name's Dr. F! I'm sure Dr. Stomper has made mention of me From
time to time since I'm his most Fearsome arch-Foe!"
"No, I don't believe he has."
"Oh, that's just like him! Pretending I'm not his greatest villain!
God how I hate that man! You know, he Flunked me! Me! Can you believe
it? Me, one of his most brilliant students! But one day I'll have my
revenge! Yes! I mean I was leader of the Union of the Useless! Well,
until that no good 'Worm' Filched my leadership position! I mean,
what's so Fantastic about a tiny worm who does nothing, but eat grass
and dirt? Sure he has that cool Floating bubble ship that allows him to
"Okay. I think I've heard enough of this. Stop speaking."
"Oh yeah, Mr. Fascist? Perhaps you haven't heard of a little something
called -- Freedom of speech. It's in the Bill of..."
"I said. Stop. Speaking," repeated the Ultimate Ninja with his
stare. Dr. F quickly crawled under his bed sheets and became very, very
The Ultimate Ninja gave a sigh of relief. Maybe he should go to sleep
too. But before he could attempt that, he heard footsteps. Someone was
coming. Coming to his cell.
A pair of super expensive high tech manacles dropped from the cell's
"Okay, ninja. Put them on. You're coming with me," the guard said
pointing his gun at the cuffs.
"You have a lot of worry on your face. Something very horrible is
happening. Something so bad that there's only one person in the world
who can stop it. Someone named -- the Ultimate Ninja. Am I right?"
"I said, Put on the handcuffs -- Ninja!"
"Uhuh. My mistake. I guess there is no catastrophic event that the
government needs my assistance for. I guess I'll be going to sleep then."
"Wait! You're right! We need your help desperately! All of
Washington, D.C. is swarming with cloned Ultimate Ninja zombies! No one
can stop them! No one!! You're are only chance!! Please! For God's
sake! Help us!! You're our only hope!" The guard then dropped down to
his knees and held both of the hands in prayer mode. "The President
will give you anything. A pardon. What ever you want! Please!"
"Sigh. Very well. Open up the cell door."
The capital was in chaos. Cloned Ultimate Ninja Zombies were everywhere
stumbling around muttering such clever sentiments as, 'Need Brains!' and
The Ultimate Ninja grabbed a couple of ninja bushes and started mowing
through them, transforming the zombies into severed arms and heads.
He noticed that a number of other LNH'rs were also helping in the
battle. After he had taken care of the last zombie that was close to
him, he made his way towards one of the LNH teams.
Master Blaster blasted away at the Ultimate Ninja like figure that was
heading towards them.
"Damn! This zombie is fast! He's dodging my flames without any effort.
"Wait! Stop shooting Rob!" Cheesecake Eater Lad said grabbing Master
Blaster's hand. "That's the Real Deal!"
"Oh. Whoops! My Bad! Sorry, UN!"
The Ultimate Ninja glared at Master Blaster and then turned his
attention towards Cheesecake Eater Lad. "So who's responsible for this
"Her!" Cheesecake Eater Lad pointed to a woman dressed in a ninja garb
standing on a building.
"A girl caused all this trouble?" The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.
"Well, I guess I better go take care of her then." With that said he
leaped into the air twirling his body towards the building she was
"Wait, UN!" But the Ultimate Ninja was already too far away to listen
to Cheesecake Eater Lad's words. "She's good. Very good."
"Well, finally. I was wondering if the zombies would be too much for
you." The words came from a girl who was probably no older than 21
dressed in a black ninja costume with a symbol on her chest. The symbol
was a hand grabbing a heart.
"Fishes in Barrels would have been a more effective method. So, who the
Hell are you? Please -- impress me."
"You can call my Lady Heartthob. I'm your doom."
The Ultimate Ninja laughed. "Right. Okay. I'll bite. Why -- the
"You laugh? You dare laugh! Is every murder you commit a joke? Is it?!"
"No. When I kill people, it's never a joke. And everyone I kill
deserves it. Everyone."
"My Father didn't deserve it!"
"And your father was?"
"Kakuji Yoyo.yahoo.z of the Yoyo.yahoo.z Family."
Kakuji Yoyo.yahoo.z? Yes. I've heard of him. He was one of Ninja
Island's biggest crime lords. Definitely someone who's better off dead.
But I can't remember killing him -- when did he die?
"It was in 1994. I was only seven when I saw you coldly stab him in the
back. I saw you! Don't try to deny it!"
"'94? Hmm. I spent most of that year enslaved in an alternate
dimension. That was the year an evil version of myself traded places
with me and ran the LNH. Perhaps he was the one who killed your father."
"You expect me to believe that nonsense?! My God! If you're going to
lie at least come up with something believable!"
"That's the truth. And I could care less if you don't believe me. So
-- are you going to kill me or are we going to chat about the past all day?"
Lady Heartthrob screamed, "Die!" and hurled a Ginsu katana at the
Ultimate Ninja. The Ultimate Ninja caught it with ease and threw it
right back at her head. She caught the katana right at its point with
"Impressive!" the Ultimate Ninja said as a hurricane of ninja bushes
began flying towards him.
Their hands used skyscrapers to paint brick and glass clouds over the
sky's canvas. Their feet balanced on atoms of nitrogen and oxygen as
they transcended beyond gravity's grip. New forms of pain and violence
escaped from the dream areas of their minds into the reality of the
world as they warred with each other.
The Ultimate Ninja marveled at the moves she was making. It seemed like
every move no matter how obscure it was -- she knew it. The Uncle
Dragon's Peanut Butter Fist! The Littly Pinky Death Hug! The Toenail
Earthquake Grip! The Belly Button Typhoon! The Smirk of Death. The
Gripping Fisting Grip Fist! And she was even throwing moves at him that
he'd never seen. Never even had imagined! Fist moves like Mozart
operas and kick moves like Michelangelo paintings blurred towards him.
No one was this good! Only he was this good! Impossible!
Their two bodies crashed through another skyscraper window. Their fight
had already been going on for about four hours. Neither one was willing
to concede this fight.
She was too good, the Ultimate Ninja thought to himself. And too
dangerous! He had been trying not to kill her, but she was too good.
He was going to have to end this. He was going to have to kill her. It
was a shame. She was amazing. Beautiful. He had never ever fought
some one this talented. This lovely. If only she wasn't bent on his
annihilation. No, sadly there was no other way. Only one person was
going to get out of this fight alive. And he had no death wish. He
just needed to wait for an opening.
The two closed in on each other. And then both their hands flew
straight into the other person's chest. The hands came back quickly
gripping the other person's heart. And then both of their bodies fell
to the ground.
"Heh," the Ultimate Ninja said has he slowly picked himself up. "You
were very good. Very good. But you pulled out the wrong heart. The
To the Ultimate Ninja's amazement Lady Heartthrob also slowly started to
rise up. "Yes. It appears I did. Just like the fake heart you have in
The Ultimate Ninja looked closely at the heart he held and then dropped
it to the ground. Lady Heartthrob dropped her fake heart too. They
both walked up to each other and then tore the masks off their faces.
Each grabbed the other's head and crashed their lips together. Hands of
violence swam over the other person's back. Their two bodies danced
like a freight train towards the back of the room. Finally, their two
bodies slammed right into a juke box that started playing Carly Simon's
'Nobody does it better' loudly.
Their lips and tongues began a new battle in a war of breath that didn't
seem to want to end.
<~Nobody does it half as good as you...~>
Where was he, the Ultimate Ninja wondered. Had he ever been here before?
<~I tried to hide from your love light...~>
It was like he had fallen into an ocean made of madness.
<~Why'd you have to be so good?~>
And he didn't want to ever leave. Because all that was beyond this
moment was a desert of thorns. A night without stars.
But it was ending. The song was almost over. Their lips ripped apart.
Lady Heartthrob ran away from him, grabbing her mask. And then she
paused as she reached the window and turned her head back towards him.
There was a vicious look on her face. A hatred that could never be
soothed. "I will destroy everything! Your friends. Your city. Your
LNH. Your hope. And then when that's all gone -- you. You will be the
last thing I destroy. Prepare yourself!" And then she tumbled out of
The Ultimate Ninja walked over to the window. She was gone. Like some
figment from a fever dream. The Ultimate Ninja looked back at the fake
heart she had left. He picked it up and studied it. Had that really
God, what a battle.
<~Makes me feel sad for the rest...~>
The Ultimate Ninja whistled to himself while he scribbled a piece of
paper with words.
"Hey, UN! Have you heard the news?" Cheesecake Eater Lad said as he
entered the LNH leader's office. "Something incredibly big has just
"Really? What's that?"
"It's Lady Heartthrob! She conquered Europe! She's now leader of the
Legion of Net.Villains! I guess she killed Mynabird and took it over!
And now she and her supervillain army have taken over Europe! Europe!
What are we going to do?"
"She certainly is something, isn't she?" The Ultimate Ninja continued
to scribble words on the paper.
"Umm, UN? What exactly are you doing?"
"Writing a poem."
"Writing a poem?"
"Yep. Say, what word rhymes with disembowel?"
"Have you heard a word I've said?"
"Yes. I heard you. Lady Heartthrob has conquered Europe. Hmm. How
about visemcowl? Is that a word? Cheesecake Eater Lad?"
The Ultimate Ninja carefully crawled up the Statue of Liberty's arm. On
the top of the torch stood Lady Heartthrob dangling President
Hexidecimal Luthor over the edge.
"If you come any closer I'll drop him! I swear!"
"I don't believe you. I don't think you have it in you."
"Watch this then!" Lady Heartthrob threw the screaming body of Hex
Luthor right into the air.
The Ultimate Ninja watched as Hex Luthor fell into the ocean. "Guess I
was wrong. Well -- he was kind of a lousy president."
The Ultimate Ninja eyes shot open and he got quickly out of his bed
grabbing a ninja bush on his night stand. Standing in his bedroom was
the lithe figure of Lady Heartthrob.
"Don't! I'm not here to kill you. It turns out you were right. You're
not my father's killer. I need your help."
"Really? And why's that?"
"I have info about a person who knows who killed my father."
"And that is?"
"An LNH receptionist by the name of -- Bart."
"First thing is -- we're going to have to go into space. Planet Qwerty
is about 1,992 light years away from Earth, which will take about a week
of flying to get there. Of course before we get there, we'll have to
sneak past tons of Dvorakian space fleets. And then once we get there
we'll have to travel back in time. And the person we're facing has two
cosmic items -- the Ring of Retconn and the Insanity Gauntlet. Both of
which make him god like and insane. We'll have to strike quickly before
he even knows we're there," the Ultimate Ninja said looking at a space map.
"Is that it? Are you sure we can handle this? It sounds like we'll
need a bigger team," asked Lady Heartthrob with a skeptical look.
"No. More people will just slow us down."
"If you say so. Sure you want to do this?"
"You'd have to kill me to stop me from going. Ready? Then let's go."
Bart the Dark Receptionist whistled the Pink Floyd song, 'Brain Damage,'
to himself as he relaxed in the giant Qwertian bath tub that was
overflowing with bubbles. Just as Bart was reaching for his rubber
ducky with the Insanity Gauntlet though he felt an incredible pain in
both of his arms. That's when he saw both of his arms fall off, and
blood start to spray from them.
Damn, thought Bart before he passed out, I knew I should have retconned
both my arms invulnerable to harm.
The Ultimate Ninja and Lady Heartthrob entered the LNHHQ with a burlap
sack that contained the Ring of Retconn, Insanity Gauntlet, and Bart's arms.
"Fred!" ordered the Ultimate Ninja, "Get a medical team to my space
thingee for Bart. Occultism Kid, I've got the Ring of Retconn and
Insanity Gauntlet in this sack. Try not to be corrupted by them."
"Sure thing, UN!" Occultism Kid said grabbing the sack. "Oh, just so
you know, Dekay and Diskolor have returned!"
"I'm not surprised," the Ultimate Ninja said rolling his eyes.
"I think I may have figured out how to defeat Dekay and Diskolor, UN."
"Okay, spill it, Occultism Kid."
"Using a spell that involved the Book of Deus ex Machinas, Ring of
Retconn and Insanity Gems I discovered an object that can kill Dekay and
"And this object is?"
"The Four-Color Ninja Bush!"
"The Four-Color Ninja Bush? But that's a legend! No one even knows if
they exist! It's a ninja bush that can cut through anything and if
anyone were to touch it they would instantly die! The legends say that
the last grove of ninja bushes are hidden in the most dangerous part of
Ninja Island! A place filled with Ninja Dinosaurs and Giant Ninja
Spiders! No explorer who's ever been there has come back alive. Well.
Guess we better pack our bags!"
Cannon Fodder was running. Running for his life.
And two monsters were chasing him. The first monster had a body made out
of human corpses. And its head was made out of a cloud of flies and
worms. Its eyes glowed red. One of its hands held a blackened sword.
The other monster was a pale white color. In the middle of its chest
was a gaping mouth, which had seven forked tongues each a different
color. It only had one eye on its head, and it was a very blood shot
eye. A number of spikes stabbed out of its head. Each spike had a
skull attached to it. One of its hands held a spiked club. Diskolor.
And each footstep they made shook the world and left a valley of death.
Cannon Fodder made his way towards a rather big wooden platform the size
of 16 football fields and the Bryttle Brothers followed. But before he
could get off the platform he tripped and fell. Cannon Fodder looked up
in horror as the two gigantic monsters stepped onto the wooden platform.
The platform wasn't strong enough to hold the combined weight of the
two and started to crack. A few seconds before Dekay and Diskolor could
reach Cannon Fodder the whole thing collapsed causing the Bryttle
Brothers to fall into the million of Four Color Ninja Bushes that were
beneath the wooden platform. Dekay and Diskolor screamed in terror as
the bushes shredded them to death. Unfortunately, Cannon Fodder also
fell into the ninja bushes and was shredded to death.
"Good work, Cannon Fodder," the Ultimate Ninja said as he looked at the
death of Dekay and Diskolor from a distance.
"Wow, so that's the end of Beige Midnight. That was so totally worth
the hype!" Sarcastic Lad said. "What should I wear to the Pulitzers?"
"So what have you come up with, Deductive Logic Man?" the Ultimate Ninja
said sitting in his LNH office.
"Based on the stuff Bart told me and the checking up on the info -- it
appears that there is an ancient organization called the Seven Deadly
Ninja Gorillas that have been behind almost everything."
"What do you mean by everything?"
"I mean everything. Over 90% of the evil that has ever been committed
by anyone they've had there hands in it. The Bryttle Brothers and Bart
is just the top of the iceberg. They've been operating since the dawn
of time. Everything traces back to them."
"What about the death of Lady Heartthrob's father? Were they
responsible for that?"
"It appears so."
"Where are these Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas located at Deductive Logic
"All the info I've gathered leads me to believe that they've been hiding
all of this time in the Jungle of Glak." [See Jungle Cheesecake for
more info on GLak -- Ed]
"Glak!? Oh god. Not that place. Are you sure?"
"No. But that's my best guess based on all of the info."
"I guess I should check it out. 90% of all the evil in the world.
Imagine if I could stop them once and for all."
"You should probably bring a big team with you. Lots of heavy hitters."
"I think I'll do this by myself."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Positive. I fight better that way."
The Ultimate Ninja glanced at the flight controls on his flight.thingee.
About the time he was ready to fly it out of LNH Hangar, he heard a
small noise. He quickly jumped out of his chair and crept to where the
noise had come from. He noticed a blanket. He quickly pulled the
blanket up and saw the very still form of Lady Heartthrob under it.
The Ultimate Ninja snorted to himself. "You really need to learn how to
breathe more silently."
"You're not going there without me."
"Really? I don't think you're in a position to demand anything."
"They killed my father! I will not be cheated out of revenge! I will
either come or one of us will die!"
"Fine. Come if you want. I have no desire to kill you. At least not yet."
The Ultimate Ninja and Lady Heartthrob stumbled through the thick jungle.
"Do you even know where you're going?" asked a skeptical Lady Heartthrob.
"Of course! I've been here before. For some reason it looks different.
I don't know why. There! That cave! That has to be it!"
"Finally!" Lady Heartthrob quickly ran towards the cave entrance and
disappeared within it.
"Wait! We should go in together. It might not be -- *sigh* Damn
females." The Ultimate Ninja quickly chased after her. As he entered
the cave he couldn't seem to sense her anymore. He clicked on his
flashlight. She was gone.
The Ultimate Ninja had been searching the caverns for more than an hour.
Where was she? He didn't like this. It had been a mistake to bring
her. And perhaps to come here without a team. He glanced at the map
that Deductive Logic Man had given. There was something not right about
this map. But before he could figure what that was, his flashlight quit
on him. Everything became very dark. This was impossible. The
flashlight was designed by Kid Kirby. There was no way it should ever
quit. He did have an extra flashlight and some matches in his backpack.
But before he could reach into his backpack he heard a sound. Rocks
falling. It was cave in. The Ultimate Ninja quickly ran to what he
thought was the safest direction. But unfortunately for him, the path
he took was off a cliff.
The Ultimate Ninja woke up. Ugghhh. He had the wind knocked out of
him. He was in some kind of slimy puddle. He couldn't seem to move.
Was he paralyzed? He heard more sounds. Living creature sounds.
People sounds? A light shined giving him the ability to see who was
making all of the noises. He saw seven gorillas in ninja suits -- each
a different color. And Lady Heartthrob.
"I'm Sorry," said Lady Heartthrob looking away from him.
"Welcome to the Lair of All Evil, Ultimate Ninja!" said the Gorilla in
the Red Ninja Suit.
"What have you done to me?" the Ultimate Ninja said still unable to move.
"That liquid you're lying in -- that is your own inner darkness. And
it's soaking right through you. Washing away whatever small amount of
goodness exists within you."
"Lady Heartthrob, stop them!"
"Really now. Who do you think gave you to us? Lady Heartthrob is our
student. One of our many students. Her father was our student. And
soon you will be too."
"They're right, Ultimate Ninja. They own me like they owned my father."
"No one owns anyone! They killed your father!"
The gorilla in the green ninja suit shook his head. "It's no using
fighting, Ultimate Ninja. This is your destiny. It's always been your
destiny. You are to be our greatest soldier in the upcoming war. The
War of Good and Evil. You will lead the forces of darkness to victory."
"No! I will not -- I will not!"
"You're alone here, Ultimate Ninja. It's only a matter of time before
you succumb to the darkness. To the hate. There is no one that can
help you. There is no..." but before the gorilla in the purple ninja
suit could finish that sentence he noticed something hurling towards
him. A cheesecake!
As the cheesecake smacked into the gorilla's face, more sounds came from
the distance. "Hey, UN! Stop lazing around! We could use some help!"
said a voice that sounded like wReamhack's. The Ultimate Ninja looked
up and saw Cheesecake Eater Lad, Catalyst Lass, Fuzzy, Parking Karma
Kid, Master Blaster, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, Dr. Stomper, Sarcastic
Lad, wReamhack, Cannon Fodder, aLLiterative Lass, Sister State the
Obvious, Easily Discovered Man Lite, Writer's Block Woman, Elvis Man,
Fearless Leader, and a dozen or so more flying into the cavern.
"Lady Heartthrob! Kill them!" shouted the gorilla who wore a blue ninja
"Don't. Please. They don't own you. They don't," pleaded the Ultimate
Ninja still struggling to get up.
Lady Heartthrob froze as the rest of the cave became emersed in battle.
"I said, Kill them! What are you waiting for?"
Lady Heartthrob closed her eyes. She could see her father. It was long
ago. They were playing hide and seek. She opened them back up and
hurled a ninja bush into the back of the blue ninja gorilla. She
screamed the word, 'Daddy' in Japanese and started slaughtering the rest
of the Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas.
"So, I guess this is it," said Lady Heartthrob standing on one of the
many Net.ropolis rooftops. "Well, thank you for everything you've done
and sorry about the whole tricking you into the whole cave thing so you
could become a slave to the Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas."
"Water under the bridge. You're not leaving, are you? My offer for
joining the LNH still stands."
Lady Heartthrob laughed. "I don't belong in the LNH. I'm a criminal.
A murderer. Your people don't trust me. The world doesn't trust me."
"I don't care."
"It would never work. I can't stay visible. I'm wanted for so many
"You could change your identity."
"No. I've got to go. Goodbye."
The Ultimate Ninja grabbed her by the arm. "No. Don't. I just --
Hell. I love you. There. I said it."
Lady Heartthrob shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's -- It's not going to
happen. It won't work. It will just destroy us both. Deep down you
know that. We're better off not -- it can't work."
"I don't care. I don't care if it destroys us both. I don't care if it
destroys the world. I want it. I want you."
"Yes you do. Don't you?" Lady Heartthrob put her arms around the
Ultimate Ninja and the two of them kissed.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea. Marrying her." Cheesecake Eater Lad
said as he looked at his long time friend and mentor, the Ultimate Ninja.
"You're not talking me out of it."
"I can never talk you out of anything, but still -- what about the LNH?
Haven't you given thought about how this will effect your leadership
"I'm quitting. The LNH can be someone else's problem."
"You're really doing this, aren't you?"
"Well, good luck. I mean it. You deserve happiness. I hope she gives
it to you. Hope everything turns out okay."
"You're not going to try and stop me?"
Cheesecake Eater Lad smiled. "You're the Ultimate Ninja. No one can
A bouquet of flowers flew through the air, right into WikiBoy's hands.
WikiBoy looked at the flowers and then looked at Master Blaster with a
horrified expression. "No! Please! Don't make me marry a badger again!"
"Darn!" Catalyst Lass said looking at the flowers that she didn't catch
and then up at the Flight.thingee that had 'Just Married' painted on it
and a chain of Ninja Bushes dangling from behind flying out view.
Catalyst sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye. "Always the bride's maid."
"Okay. Chains. Whips. Blindfolds. Guns. Knives. Gags?"
"Hand Grenades. Handcuffs. Tasers. Whipped cream. Straight Jackets.
"Well then," the Ultimate Ninja said picking up Lady Heartthrob into his
arms and giving a kiss on her nose, "Let's get this Honeymoon started."
"Amazing. And to think that there was a time when I thought holding
another person's still beating heart in my hand while they watched me
crush it was the most amazing thing in the world. But no. I was
wrong." The Ultimate Ninja held the baby in his arm. The baby gripped
one the ninja's fingers holding it tightly. "This is. This is the
most amazing thing in the world. I'm a Dad. It's weird saying that.
I'm a dad."
"Congratz, UN," said Cheesecake Eater Lad who was also holding a baby.
"Wow. Twins. That's something. What are their names?"
"We haven't really decided. It's either going to be Bruce and Lee, or
Chuck and Norris. Hard to choose though."
"Perhaps they could be their middle names."
"Hello? Are you in there?" The voice was Catalyst Lass's voice. She
entered the room carrying a big stuffed tiger and some balloons. "There
you are! Are these the two cuties? Yes. You're the two cuties --
aren't you? Yes you are. Yes you are. Oh, I've got to hold one!"
Cheesecake Eater Lad handed the baby in his arms to Catalyst Lass.
"Oh, they're soo adorable in their little ninja jammies." Catalyst Lass
said cradling the baby.
"So, how are goings at the LNH? Things still running fine?" the
Ultimate Ninja said placing the baby he was holding back in his crib.
"Oh, about same as always. Although now that I think about it, things
have been kind of quiet. Not a lot of big crises. Oh yeah! Something
sad did happen though."
"And that was?"
"Old Comics Man passed away. I guess he died of old age."
"Well, he was old. He was, what? A million years old?"
"Yeah. Still. It's sad."
"Yeah, sad," the Ultimate Ninja said looking at the baby that was in
Catalyst Lass's arms.
"I'm glad -- I'm glad you came -- here -- to the funeral," Cheesecake
Eater Lad said. He's eyes were red and puffy. "I -- I wasn't sure you..."
"He was a friend. He was our friend," the Ultimate Ninja said staring
at the coffin.
Cheesecake Eater Lad walked up to the coffin. "He was always unlucky.
I married and had kids. He never... I always got the best breaks. A
traffic light. Someone ran a red light and... We were talking.. it
was.. God.. just a week ago.. he wanted me to go to this poker.. game..
I blew him off.. I don't know why I did that.. why didn't I go? It
would have been no big.. My best friend. My.. A red light.. Why? Why?
He was..." Cheesecake looked at the person lying in the coffin. "Why
did it have to be Parking Karma Kid? Why did it.. Oh god." Tears
started to stream from Cheesecake Eater Lad's eyes as his fingers dug
into the coffin's wooden frame.
The Ultimate Ninja went over and gave his friend a hug.
<<And the sad news keeps coming in. Catalyst Lass, one of the LNH's
most beloved heroes, died after efforts to revive her failed after she
was involved in a horse riding accident. She was 35. In the past week
over 20 heroes have died. All of them members of the Legion of
Net.Heroes. All of them in ordinary accidents. What's causing this?
Is there a curse hanging over the LNH? Tonight my panel of guests will
talk about that and..."
The Ultimate Ninja clicked the TV off and grabbed his phone.
"Hello? Cheesecake Eater Lad? Yes. I heard the news. Who else?
Irony Man? Captain Clean-up slipping in the shower? Self-Righteous
Preacher hit by lightning? I see. Does anyone know who or what is
causing it? How about Deductive Logic Man? Is he working on this? Oh.
Oh. He's dead, too."
Cheesecake Eater Lad and the Ultimate Ninja both sat at a table in a
restaurant. "Any type of Grilled Cheese Sandwich you want -- it's all
here. Every type of bread and cheese. I can't remember when I got the
idea in my head, but it seemed so obvious. A restaurant that serves
every single type of grilled cheese sandwich. It's a billion dollar
franchise just waiting to happen. And that's how the Ultimate Grilled
Cheeez formed. Business has been good. Oh yeah -- and all the
sandwiches are named after LNH'rs -- I've even got a grilled cheese
dessert named after you -- it's a piece of cheesecake between two slices
of cinnamon toast -- you'll have to try it."
"Sounds great, UN. But I'm not really all that hungry. Maybe I'll just
have a salad. I've just been having a hard time eating anything. It's
all this death -- friends dying."
"Yes, I understand. But everyone dies. We can't dwell on it for..."
"I know that -- but -- 42 LNH'rs in the past month have died, UN. It's
not a coincidence. You know what I think? I think it goes back to the
Seven Deadly Gorillas."
"You think they're still alive?"
"No. I think our killing them unleashed a force. A force that's
killing all of the LNH. And it's not just LNH'rs. Other heroes are
dying. Villains are dying! All the super people are dying! In
removing 90% of all the evil in the world, there had to be a balance.
We're that balance."
"You don't know that."
"Yeah. I don't. Maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe I'm just going
crazy. I'm sorry. I just worry. I worry about all kinds of things
now. That I'll wake up one day -- and -- and find aLLiterative Lass --
find her next to me -- dead. Dead. It's making me go crazy. I don't
know what's happening. No villain has ever managed to do this. You
know -- I had this strange dream. In the dream it was all a dream.
Someone was dreaming this all up. Wouldn't that be funny? I think I
might be losing my mind, Ultimate Ninja."
"We'll stop this from happening, Cheesecake Eater Lad. We'll find out
"I hope so."
"Ah, the Ultimate Ninja. I wondered when you would show up." The voice
was cold and mechanical. And the face? The face was Dr. Killfile's.
"How many have died so far? Heh. You know. It's the only thing that
gives me pleasure now days. The obituary page. Dying and dying. Heh."
"Are you the one doing this?"
"No. I wish I was. I -- really -- wish I was. But you know me,
Ultimate Ninja. I always sign my work. No. This person who's doing
it? Too kind. Too merciful. Me? If it were me? There would be pain.
Oh yes. Lots of pain. And screaming. So much screaming. Heh. No.
It wouldn't be quick. And it would only be when I'd gotten tired of
all the whining and begging for mercy. Only then would I finish them
off. Yes. That's how I'd do it. Heh. I just hope that when I get out
of this cell -- that this person hasn't done off the lot of you by then.
Because -- really -- it should be a Killfile who destroys the LNH.
Not some anonymous coward."
"I see. I think I believe you. Oh, and before I forget --I'm sorry for
"Loss? What are you talking about?"
"Carolyn Forge. Your daughter. She died a couple of days ago. What?
No one's told you?"
"Told me? Carolyn's dead?"
"Yes. She was the one you could never corrupt, wasn't she? The good
one. The hero. And now she's dead -- beyond your reach. She was the
last of your line, wasn't she? The last of your children. Now, they're
all dead. You're the last Killfile."
"Carolyn's dead? Carolyn? No. It's -- She's not dead. She's not!
She's -- None of them are dead. None! They're alive! Yes. Alive!
Hah! They're just playing with you. Heh. Playing. You stupid LNH'rs.
You can't see! We're too clever for you. Too clever. They're
waiting. Waiting for their chance. Yes. They'll break me out of this
prison. Yes! Break me out and we'll be a family again. And we will
stand together and wipe you all out. Heh. Yes!"
"If you say so. This has been fun -- catching up with you, but I have
to be going. Find the real villain who's been killing the LNH."
"What? You can't -- I have things I need to say!"
"Stop! STOP! Do you think I'm not a threat anymore?! Because I'm
locked in this cage?! Because I'm paralyzed below the neck?! Because
I'm -- Because I'm -- I will get out of here! I will! I will make a
castle from your bones! I will swim in your blood! I will! Stop!
Stop! I will..."
The Ultimate Ninja could hear the rants and raves of Dr. Killfile all
the way from the hallway to the stairs of the prison.
It wasn't him. Who was it? Who was killing the LNH?
"I don't know. I just can't seem to figure it out. Who's doing this?
Why?" The Ultimate Ninja sat on his bed with his wife, Lady Heartthrob
who massaged his shoulders.
"Honey? You need to go to bed. This is not doing you any good."
"I can't. I can't seem to sleep anymore. Maybe I need to return to the
LNH. Become its leader again."
"And what about the children? What about me?"
"Well, you could all come with me. Live in the LNHHQ. I could..."
"I don't want to live in Net.ropolis. I like it here. You need to move
on. You can't solve every problem. People die."
"Yes, people die. But not this way. There's something wrong here.
There's..." Before the Ultimate Ninja could finish his sentence the
phone rang. The Ultimate Ninja pounced on the phone. "Hello? Yes, I'm
the Ultimate Ninja. Yes, I know. Both? Both of them? I -- Are you
sure? Are you sure?! I see. Yes. Right. No. I understand." The
Ultimate Ninja hung up the phone.
"Who was that?" Lady Heartthrob asked.
"A plane crashed. There were no survivors. Cheesecake Eater Lad and
aLLiterative Lass were on that plane. There were no survivors."
"Oh god. I'm sorry." Lady Heartthrob got out of bed and tried to
comfort her husband.
"I need to pack my bags." The Ultimate Ninja went over to the closet
and grabbed a suitcase. "I need to go to Net.ropolis."
"Cannon Fodder? Where is everyone?" The two heroes were standing in
the Mr. Paprika Funeral Home ('Now that's a Dead Person's Funeral Home!).
Cannon Fodder gave a puzzled expression. "Everyone? Umm, what do you
"The rest of the LNH!? Where is everyone?"
"Umm. They're dead. Are you all right, UN? Maybe you should..."
"Dead? You're telling me that every single member of the LNH except the
two of us is dead? Is that what you're telling me? Everyone? Kid
Kirby is dead?"
"Umm. Well, no one knows what happened to Kid Kirby. He went off to
space -- in search of the RACCelestials hoping that they might have an
answer to why everyone was dying. But he never returned. I guess there
could be some people out there that are still alive, people who went
into space or alternate universes -- but everyone else is dead. I'm
sorry. Didn't someone tell you about..."
"This isn't right. Something's wrong here. No villain could possibly
kill that many... Something's wrong here. Cannon Fodder. I need a list
of all of the LNH'rs that are dead and how they died."
"Okay. Do you want that right now? Or after the funeral?"
"Well, after the funeral I guess. I just... Cannon Fodder? Is
"I don't -- I don't..." And then Cannon Fodder's eyes glazed over and
he started to fall towards the floor although not before the Ultimate
Ninja caught him.
"Someone! Anyone! Call an ambulance!"
"What's the situation, Doctor?" the Ultimate Ninja said as looked at the
comatose body of Cannon Fodder.
"It's bad. Who knows when if ever he'll awake from this coma. My
honest opinion is that you should pull the plug."
"Pull the plug?"
"Well, he is Cannon Fodder so he'll just come back to life after he's died."
"Maybe. Maybe this time he won't. If you haven't noticed Cannon Fodder
and me are the last two surviving members of the LNH. Who's to say that
this won't be Cannon Fodder's last death?"
"I guess I can't say for sure as I'm not sure how his powers work. So
you want to keep him on life support, is that what you're saying?"
"Yes. For now. Give me a week to solve this. Oh hell. My family!
I've been so preoccupied with this that I've forgotten about them. I
need to get to my house!"
"Umm. Sure thing," the Doctor said as he watched the Ultimate Ninja
leap from the room's window.
The place was a mess. Broken windows. Tables over turned. Blood on
the wall. Why did he leave? He should have been here protecting his
family. The Ultimate Ninja threw down an angry karate chop that split
his counter top into two. God, he was too late. Someone had taken his
wife and kids. He searched his whole house for a clue and then finally
found one on the refrigerator. It was a note. Addressed to him.
'Greetings Ultimate Ninja,
I've killed all your friends.
Now, that leaves your wife and kids.
Meet me at your old headquarters if you
want to see them alive. Bring some weapons.
I want to see how Ultimate you really are.
Your Greatest Enemy'
The Ultimate Ninja let out a violent yell of rage before he karate
chopped the refrigerator, which caused his entire house to collapse.
God. It had been so long since he had been here. The Ultimate Ninja
looked at the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters. It had grown dingy.
Weeds had overtaken the lawn. Across the doorway and on the walls were
graffiti writings, 'Who LNHes the LNH?' and 'The Ultimate Ninja wears
Fearless Leader's panties!' painted multiple times.
The Ultimate Ninja kicked the door in and stepped inside. Dust and
cobwebs. And an eerie silence that suffocated the atmosphere. And then
he heard a noise. It was in one of the closets. A muffling sound. He
quickly made his way towards the noise and ripped the door open. There
were the twins. Bound in rope and gagged with duct tape.
"It's all right. I'll get the gag. This might hurt a little," he
ripped the tape off of Brucey's mouth.
"Daddy! He got Mommy -- he -- he..."
"It's okay. What did he do with Mommy?"
"He -- he put her br-brain -- into -- into a mon-monster! And he put --
put his brain into -- into Mommy!"
"Do you know *who* put Mommy's brain into a monster?"
"Said -- said -- he was wReamy-uh-cukkus..."
The Ultimate Ninja ripped the gag off of Chuck and cut the rope that
binded the two of them. "Chucky? Brucey?" He handed two Ginsu Katanas
to them. "I want you to find some place safe to hide and if some one
attacks, no matter who it is I want you to kill them. Kill them. But
hide first and be quiet. I've got to go. Save Mommy and kill the bad
Brucey and Chucky both nodded their heads.
"Good. Be back soon."
wReamicus Maximus? Of all the possible enemies, he seemed the most
unlikely. Maybe he was working for someone bigger. Maybe. It didn't
matter. He'd break it out of him. Everything. And he'd enjoy it. But
what was it that Brucey had said? About putting his brain in Lady
Heartthrob's body and Lady Heartthrob's brain in the body of a monster.
What kind of monster? There had to more people in on this. Where was
he? Where was he hiding?
And as if he could read the Ultimate Ninja's mind, he came out of the
shadows with a strong kick using Lady Heartthrob's powerful legs.
"wReamicus Maximus! Finally! Don't think that hiding in my wife's body
will save you!"
"wReamicus Maximus!?" the face of Lady Heartthrob laughed. "Is that who
you think I am? That clown? Don't be a fool." She rapidly followed
that with a typhoon of punches and a lightning quake of kicks at
blinding speeds. The Ultimate Ninja barely had enough time to defend
each one as another two came. "Do you think wReamicus Maximus in his
dreams could fight this good? Do you!? You know there's only one
person who can fight this well! Who could possibly challenge you!"
"And who's that?"
"God, you're stupid! Look in the damn mirror!"
"Oh I get it! You're some alternate Looniverse version of me, right?"
"I can't believe this! Maybe Sarcastic Lad was right about you! I'm
you! You moron! I'm the Ultimate Ninja! Or at least the intelligent
part of you. The rational part of you that realizes this whole charade
is a lie."
"This is some kind of mind game. But I'm not going to..."
"Why did you kill them all? Everyone?"
"Because they don't exist! I was trying to shake this happy little
fairytale you've built for yourself out of your system, but I guess
you're hopeless. You want to drown in this place, don't you? And you
don't care that your real friends are dying while you waste away in this
prison! A prison you could easily escape from if you gave a damn!"
"No. Just lies. You're..."
"Yeah, right. Why don't you ask your love muffin over there if I'm
lying. I'm sure she'll agree with you."
It was a trick. He shouldn't turn his head, but he could hear something
behind. Some incredible behemoth that seemed to be sloshing across the
floor. He jumped over the former Lady Heartthrob so he could get a safe
It was horrible looking. Some slimy pulsating gigantic green blob with
red tentacles. It oozed some kind of yellow foam from what appeared to
be a mouth.
"Sweetie? He's lying... I'm your wife. He put his brain into my body
and put mine into this horrible monster! Please stop him! You need to
"But I can't! If I do, I'll kill your body!"
"No. It's all right. I can build a new one."
"A new one? What do you mean build a new one?"
"I've got powers now. Great powers. This monstrous body has great
powers. I can do anything. I can create a new body. I can bring back
the dead. Everyone back to life. It could be like it was."
"That -- that doesn't make sense. Why would wReamicus Maximus put your
brain in a godlike creatures body? It doesn't make sense."
"Because he's -- insane?" the Green Blob said quickly.
"Oh god. This is a lie. It's all a lie. I'm dreaming all of this.
I'm not here. I'm..."
"Kill it! In order to wake up you need to kill it! Kill the monster!"
shouted the former Lady Heartthrob.
The Ultimate Ninja looked at both the creature and his wife's former body.
"I love you. Please, sweetie. I love you. Our love isn't a lie. It's
real. He's the monster. Trying to bring you back to that hell. And
why is that hell anymore real than this world? Is that what you want?
To go back to a world without love -- without family -- for endless
battles? A world that gets worse and worse instead of better and better
no matter how hard you try? Is that what you want? Please. You need
to kill him. He's the evil that is destroying this world. And the
world can return to the way it was."
The Ultimate Ninja clenched the Ninja Bush in his hands tightly to the
point that his hands started to bleed.
"Daddy!" It was the voice of Chucky. "Daddy! Help! Something's
"It's dark! It's got me too! Please daddy! Daddy!" cried Brucey.
The Ultimate Ninja looked in horror as he saw his two children start to
fade away. "No. Not this. Not this! Stop it!"
The two children started shrieking in pain. "It's biting me! Please!
Stop!! Daddy!! Daddy!!" After awhile a horrible coughing replaced the
plees for help.
"Stop! Stop this!" screamed the Ultimate Ninja.
"Kill him. It's the only way to save them! Please! They're your
children! They're dying! God! Just do it! It's the only way! They
need you! Kill him!"
"They're not there! They're lies! They don't exist! The Beast is
manipulating you! Finish this! Finish it! Now!"
The Ultimate Ninja closed his eyes. And tears started running down
them. The Ultimate Ninja never cried. Never! He had perfect control!
He had been to countless funerals this past year. Funerals of dear
friends. And he hadn't cried. He hadn't shed one tear for them.
Control. And now he was crying! Control. Why? Were they dream tears?
Did it matter? He had only one choice. One Choice. And that's why
he had no choice, but to cry because he had only one choice. Only one
choice. Only one choice.
And he grabbed his Ginsu Katana Blade and charged the Beast. And he
stabbed at the Beast with a fury. With all his passion. With all his
hate. With all his love. And the Beast? The Beast didn't stop him.
The only resistance it offered were words. "Please!" "Don't!" "Don't do
this!" "You're hurting me." "I love you!" "I really love you!" "I love
you!" "I love you!" "God." "I'm sorry." "I love you." "I love..."
And then the Beast was dead.
And though the Beast didn't make one attack. One attempt to harm the
Ultimate Ninja, it was the most hard battle the Ultimate Ninja had ever
fought in his entire life. Maybe if the Beast had attacked it would
have been easier. Maybe. But it didn't matter. The Ultimate Ninja had
a wound. A great wound. It was the most horrible wound he had ever
felt. A wound that felt like all the Stars in the Universe had stabbed
him.. It was a wound that would never heal. Not as long as he lived.
It would always be with him. He stumbled away from the Beast and looked
at the world. It was white and blank. Cold. All reality was gone.
Just him and the Beast.
He walked up to the Beast and sat down. Why? His hand reached down and
picked up one of the tentacles. Why? He closed his eyes and held the
tentacle in his arms. Lady. Heart. Throb, he thought to himself. And
he gently stroked the tentacle and started humming a song softly to
himself. The song sounded like Carly Simon's 'Nobody does it better'.
"Are you done crying?"
The Ultimate Ninja looked up and saw his cold rational self standing
over him staring at him with disgust.
"I loved -- her. More than -- more than..."
"Yes. I know. But you have things to do."
"Why did -- why did you do it? We were happy. It was good. It will
never be this good. Never. God. I hate -- I hate you. I hate you!"
"I know. And I can live with that. But you know who you hate more than
me? You hate the people who did this to you. Who imprisoned you in
this dream. Who made a fool out of you! Yes. You hate them. And you
want to hurt them. To make them feel all the pain that's inside you.
All the horrible things a person can do to another person -- you're
thinking them right now. Am I right?"
"Now you need to wake up. So you can do these horrible acts. So you
can do what needs to be done."
"Yes. Wake up."
"That's right. Wake up. Wake up."
This was strange, Karl thought to himself carrying a number of bags
filled with sandwiches and chips, Who turned all the lights off? What
was going on? Some kind of a drill? A prank? Karl put the bags down
on the ground and slowly opened the door. Everything was silent and
dark. "George? Dick," he called. What was going on? He took out his
gun. His fingers felt around for the light switch. Finding it, he took
a deep breath and switched it on.
The first thing he noticed was that everyone was lying on the floor.
And then he noticed the blood on the walls. And the bullet holes. And
then the glass cage that was totally shattered. Oh god, Karl thought to
himself. He's free! And then he looked again at his co-workers lying
on the floor. God. George. Dick. Don. All of them. Dead. Oh god.
He had to call someone. He had to...
And that's when he felt the blade up against his neck. "Please..." Karl
started to say.
"Quiet. I'm not going to kill you. I want you to deliver a message. A
message to your Masters. I want you to tell them that I'm coming. Yes.
Tell them that they should start making plans. Tell them to start
shopping. Shopping for coffins. Maybe they can get some good deals.
Because I'm coming. And nothing can stop me. No guns. No bombs. No
superhuman army. Nothing. And there's nowhere in the world where
they'll be able to hide. Nowhere. I want you to tell them that. I'm
coming. I'm coming for each one of them. I want you to tell them that.
Do you understand?"
"Yes! I uh..."
"Good. Now I'm going to go."
The blade released from Karl's throat. Karl hesitated for a couple of
seconds and then turned around. There was no one behind him. He walked
out into the hallway. No one.
Karl sat down.
The Ultimate Ninja created by Raymond "wReam" Bingham
aLLiterative Lass - Charles Fitzgerald
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Cheesecake Eater Lad - M. Jotham Millheiser
Dekay and Diskolor - Scavenger
Dr. Killfile - Steven Librande
Doctor Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Easily Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Elvis Man - Gary St. Lawrence
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Master Blaster - Robert Ramirez / Martin Phipps
Occultism Kid II - Josh Geurick
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Sarcastic Lad - Gary St. Lawrence
Sister State-the-Obvious - wReam
WikiBoy - Tom Russell
wReamhack - wReam
Writers Block Woman - Jaelle
Okay... this is pretty much a ripoff of the classic Superman story 'For
the Man who has Everything' by Alan Moore...
I seem to remember wReam once say that there is no wrong way to write
the Ultimate Ninja -- except for one thing -- The Ultimate Ninja should
never fall in love. I would kind of agree with that. It makes him kind
of unique compared to other superheroes who have girlfriends... or are
married. But it does make one wonder what kind of a girl the Ultimate
Ninja would fall in love with if he did fall in love...
I did try to think like wReam while writing this story... but how can
one really think like wReam...? :)
Arthur "Down to Zero" Spitzer
More information about the racc