LNH: Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon #3: 'Beige Easter'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Mar 17 19:49:02 PDT 2008
The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon
Espayola, Net.Mexico --
A beige gloved hand held the beige egg between the index finger and
thumb. "I wonder what kind of sick bastard does this. Beige! All of
them!" The gloved hand put the egg back into its beige carton filled
with eleven more eggs that were a similar color.
"Who you 'spose is responsible, Sarge?" said a rookie cop by the name of
"I don't know, Kid. I guess someone who likes the color beige. You're
going to need to put on some gloves, Kid. These eggs -- anything that
touches one turns beige. Anything!" The more experienced cop who went
by the name of Sarge demonstrated this effect by touching a yellow
pencil to one of the eggs. The pencil turned beige.
"And it's not just that they're beige on the outside. Check this out!"
Sarge cracked open one of the eggs and poured the contents into a
Styrofoam cup. The cup turned beige and inside the cup was a beige yolk
surround by a beige egg white.
"Could I take a look at it, Sarge?"
"Sure, Kid," Sarge said handing Kid the cup. "Just be careful not to --
Geeze Louise! What the hell did you just -- Oh, God!"
Kid wiped beige egg white off his lips, which were now beige lips.
"Just wondered what it tasted like, Sarge. Something wrong?"
"Why did you drink that you numbskull! Now your teeth and tongue are
beige! You nimrod!"
"Oh. I thought the gloves were supposed to protect me from..."
"They protect your hands! Your hands -- not your -- Oh, Jesus! Well,
since you did it -- what did it taste like?"
"What did what taste like?"
"The egg! What did it taste like?"
"Kind of like raw egg. With a hint of beige."
Sarge rolled his eyes while taking off his Sarge hat to slap Kid on the
head with it, but before he could do that a tune filled the 'Guns,
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart'. A hippity, hoppity, hopping down the bunny
trail kind of tune. It was followed by the sound of a komodo dragon
wearing an Easter bonnet on its head and number of FBI agents bursting
into the room with guns a blazing.
"It's Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon, Sarge!" shouted Kid.
And another tune started to play from the opposite side of the 'Guns,
Diapers, and Eggs.Mart'. A tune that would give a tear in your eye and
you'd wonder why for it never should be there at all. Like the morn in
Spring. And a lilt of Irish laughter. A tune that could make the world
seem bright and gay. That could steal your heart away. This was
followed by the sound of a ferret wearing a green leprechaun style hat
and a number of CIA agents who also were bursting into the room with
guns a blazing.
"And Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret! Damn!" Sarge said
with disbelief in his eyes.
"Wow! Two Holiday Miracle Pets -- in the same room! And the FBI and
CIA! This whole beige egg thing must be bigger than we thought, Sarge!"
Both the FBI and CIA agents aimed their guns at each other shouting for
the other to, "Put down your guns!" But neither side was willing to do
"What's going on Sarge?! Aren't the FBI and CIA supposed to be on the
same side!? What's with the whole Mexican standoff!?"
"I was afraid something like this might happen. You see, Kid. There's
a history between Eggplant and Cabbage. A history that might kill
everyone in this room!"
"What do you mean, Sarge! What kind of history?"
"There was a time long ago when Cabbage and Eggplant were friends. Best
friends. This was before they both got their Holiday Miracle Pet
powers. They were just an ordinary komodo dragon and ferret. Both
working for the FBI. And then something happened. A woman. A
beautiful women by the name of Shirley Knott."
"Hey -- I swear -- I'm telling you the truth. Now, where was I? Ah,
yes. Shirley Knott. Eggplant was in love with her. And so was
Cabbage. And I think Shirley -- well, Shirley was in love with both of
them. Maybe if she could have decided which one she loved more -- maybe
that would have ended the trouble. Or maybe if the Loonited States
allowed polyandrous marriages for three different species -- maybe that
would have settled the bad blood. But -- it didn't go that way. Nope.
And what happened next, well, no one could have probably seen it."
"You see, Shirley was a Federal witness for a gruesome crime. And
Cabbage was supposed to protect her. But he failed. And she died. The
killer was never caught. Eggplant went kind of crazy after that never
forgiving Cabbage for his failure to protect Shirley. Cabbage quit the
FBI and joined the CIA. And I guess the wounds still haven't healed."
"Wow, Sarge! How did you know all that?!"
"Because I read, Kid. The Net.ional Net.qui.error and Mid.Net Star.
Because they tell it like it is. And because my wife buys them and I
need something to read when I'm taking a dump."
"Look Sarge! I think the FBI and CIA are making a truce. They've got
there guns down. And look! Eggplant and Cabbage are moving towards
each other! Maybe they're going to make peace!"
"I sure hope so. Because right now they need to put aside whatever
issues they have with each other because solving this beige egg mess
before it destroys Easter is the most important thing! They need to
think about the kids, Kid!"
"Aw, Cabbage has his little tiny ferret arms out! I think he wants to
give Eggplant a hug! And Eggplant -- he's opening up his mouth -- and
-- Oh god! Eggplant just swallowed him! Oh god! This is horrible!
Eggplant just ate Cabbage!"
Sarge quickly pulled out his gun. "Stop! Eggplant! Put your claws
down! Put them down! I'm ordering you to spit out Cabbage! Spit him
out! I don't care what he did to you or who you are! You're not above
the law!" All of the FBI and CIA agents began pointing their guns at
each other again.
"Wait, Sarge! I think Eggplant is trying to tell us something!"
"Okay, Eggplant. Spill it. What? Are you -- are you saying that
wasn't the real Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret? Then who?
Oh. Oh my! It -- it was a Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle
Ferret from an alternate earth where Hitler won WWII? A world where all
of the Nazis had magic powers and -- so he was a magical nazi ferret?
And he was behind the beige eggs plot!? But why? To ruin Easter for
the Jewish Kids!? My god! But how do I know what you're saying is
true? The eggs!? They're back to normal?!"
"Eggplant's right, Sarge! The eggs are no longer beige, but a rainbow
of colors! Easter is saved! Again!"
"Well, I'll be damned! I guess the ferret was a magical nazi after all!
Sorry, Eggplant. I'm sorry I ever doubted you!"
The FBI and CIA put down their guns and gave sighs of relief.
"Wow! That was a close one, Sarge! I thought we were all dead --
funny." Kid watched Eggplant, and the FBI and CIA agents leave the
store. "You know, Sarge -- I guess I just never realized Jewish kids
"Me either. But you know what kid? That's what makes being a cop
great! You learn something new every day!" Sarge gave a wink to the
Man, another one of these.
This is pretty horrible, but I felt I needed to write it anyway.
The Sarge and Kid are the same ones from the JONG series...
Arthur "Green is the word..." Spitzer
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