LNH: 58.5 #19
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Tue Mar 11 12:26:31 PDT 2008
"So we're in agreement then?", asked Substitute Lad. Although
Fearless Leader was back and had assumed the position of
leader[*], Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad was secretly still
picking a new leader every day, except for the day when the LNH
"came back". This quiet insurrection started out of the
misgivings Fourth Wall Lass, Contraption Man, and WikiBoy had
about the returnees. And today, according to the hat,
Substitute Lad was the leader; which seemed oddly appropriate.
[* 58.5 #17 -- Evil Footnote Girl]
"We've been investigating for almost three weeks, and although
I do find their behavior strange, we uncovered nothing", said
Contraption Man. The "rebel" LNHers were meeting in a cafe near
the HQ, a cozy place called Jordan's.
"Meh", said Domestic Lad, mixing his hot cocoa.
"What's up?", PPOOHLad asked him. "You seem bummed."
"Have you realized what day it is?"
"Hmm", said WikiBoy. "April 268th."
"Oh", made Fourth Wall Lass.
"If April had lasted 30 days like all other years", revealed
Domestic Lad, "this would be Christmas Eve."
There was a moment of silence.
"Should we postpone action then?", asked Substitute Lad.
"No way", Domestic Lad said resolutely, slamming his fist
against the table and spilling WikiBoy's coffee. A kiwi
protested. "If they're really fake, and specially if they're
evil, we can't let them have Christmas! Even if it's not
Christmas and it's still spring!"
"Er", said Kid Kiwi. "He makes no sense, but I agree with the
sentiment. Let's take our HQ back."
"But what if we're wrong?", asked Minority Miss. "I wish we had
Deductive Logic Man."
"What about this", said Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad. He took a
bunch of napkins, and quickly scrabbled "legit" in one,
"mind-controlled" in another, "clones" in a third, "evil
alt.versions from another universe" in another, and "other" in
the last one.
"That could work", said Minority Miss, helping him put the five
napkins in his hat. He shook the hat a bit, and drew a napkin.
"Evil alt.versions from another universe", he announced.
"Wow", said Onion Lad. "That's a bit hard to believe."
"He's right, though", said Contraption Man. "We come from an
universe called The Evilverse. Judging from your pitiful
morals, our universe has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Not
even a heroic, hopeless resistance. We're all evil and proud of
it. And now we're taking *your* universe over."
=============================-===========================Who Cares Studios diabolically presents...
/ ____( __ ) / ____/
/___ \/ __ | /___ \
____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
Somebody Better Put You Back Into Your Place
by Lalo Martins
Part 2 of Beige Twilight
=============================-==========================="But, but", mumbled Minority Miss. "You're one of the three who
mobilized us against them! Against you, whatever..."
Contraption Man laughed out loud, as the non-costumed patrons in
the cafe started walking out quietly. "Of course. Somebody had
to lure you. But even though Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad didn't
pull a paper on the 248th, your Contraption Man actually *was*
the leader on that day... and disappeared at midnight, allowing
us to safely bring me to take his place!"
The net.heroes started getting up and making their heroic poses.
"Oh bother", said Mrs. Jordan. With a push of a button, all
breakable items in the cafe disappeared into the ground, the
holes sealed immediately with irises reinforced with
Strongstuffium. The glass windows were retracted as well, and
replaced with cheap "hollywood glass". And cameras sprouted
from a number of places. After all, reasoned Mr. Jordan, if I
have to have my cafe demolished every few weeks, I might as well
make a buck selling the video online. Eew-tube, here we go.
"Fools", said the fake Contraption Man, as Fearless Leader,
Doctor Stomper, Irony Man, Kid Kirby, another WikiBoy, and
Ultimate Ninja walked out of the shadows. "You thought we
weren't prepared for you?"
"Eep", made Minority Miss.
=============================-==========================="I should leave the cooking to you", said the Crime Empress to
her partner/boyfriend, the former Weirdness Magnet, who was
walking out of a long bath.
"Nonsense. It's good fun. As long as you enjoy it, who cares
if you suck?" She slapped him somewhere a bit lower than his
back. "What do you have there?"
"Ganbiendoujiao[*]", she said, lifting the lid off the wok to
smell it. "Cough, cough!"
[*Stir-fried string beans with ground meat, a spicy dish typical
of the Sichuan area -- Evil Footnote Girl, a bit peckish]
"Well, cooking tip from the master", he said, turning off the
fire. "When the smoke starts to get toxic, it means something
is burning. Usually."
"Oh." She turned around to hug him, but in the middle of the
movement, her eye caught an explosion in the horizon. "Say,
isn't that the LNHQ?"
"Bruce Banner's underwear, it sure is! Come on, let's check the
TV, this has to be on the news!"
They watched in horror as what appeared to be half the LNH
fought another half. Kid Kirby and Minority Miss were floating
in mid-air, about two stories high, arms extended, doing nothing
(apparently) but staring at each other's eyes; Andy's "upgraded"
senses could feel invisible cosmic powers locked on to each
other, both seeking the delicate balance that would overpower
the opponent without disintegrating the continent.
"And according to this Legionnaire", said the reporter, the
camera panning to a car (behind which could be seen a hint of
hair which Andy could recognize as Coward Lad's), "half this
group is actually an invading force from a place called The
Evilverse, an universe--"
"Sounds nasty", said the Empress.
"Yeah. The Meta-Gods warned us about the Evilverse."
A caption saying "slow motion" appeared on the TV, and a vague
blur seen a few moments before the Coward Lad "interview" was
revealed to be a fight between Ultimate Ninja and some martial
arts master which subtle hints revealed to be WikiBoy. As the
camera returned to normal speed, a different WikiBoy could be
seen fighting Substitute Lad, both of them switching powers at
a astounding pace. And almost everywhere, a flood of green
birds -- the much-loved LNH kiwis -- was savagely fighting
identical, but red birds: probably the Evilverse kiwis. Both
sides had a Kid Kiwi leading the troops.
"It seems too late to interfere", he said.
"But the LNH will surely win, no?"
The camera showed hero after hero falling; Kid Kirby and
Minority Miss finally released powerful blasts, but it was the
girl who fell. The car hiding Coward Lad was blasted to slag,
and the last thing the TV showed was Master Blaster grinning
manically, his energy-machine-gun pointed at the camera.
"By the Phantom Stranger's socks", said Andy. "This was *not*
in our plans."
=============================-==========================="What now?", asked Fourth Wall Lass, addressing her few allies
in the LNH prison facility of the Evilverse who were still
conscious. The place looked much more like a torture chamber
and execution pit than the one in the Looniverse.
"I guess we hope someone will rescue us", WikiBoy offered.
"Nah", said Minority Miss. "Luthor will isolate the city, like
in No Man's Land. You bet."
The Legionnaire Anyone Can Edit was horrified. "The congress
will never allow it!"
"What? Haven't you heard? He arrested almost the entire
opposition[*]. Now the Congress is only Luthor supporters, and
[* In the "American Nightmare" arc in Haiku Gorilla. I can't be
bothered to go look up the actual numbers. -- Evil Footnote Girl]
"Well", Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad said with a sigh. "At least
Haiku is one of us, kind of. I'm sure we can count on him."
=============================-===========================From: The desk of the President of The United States of Ame.rec.a
To: Senator H. Gorilla
Must give me an "aye", fore I
Close off Net.rop'lis
From: Senator Haiku Gorilla
To: President Hexadecimal Luthor
Though conscience hurts
Prudence must now be served
As April goes on
Your haiku-fu sucks
And you cheat on the metrics
Shame in the White House
Substitute Lad Rob Rogers'
Domestic Lad Ken Schmidt's
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad Arthur Spitzer's
WikiBoy Tom Russel's
Fourth Wall Lass Saxon Brenton's
Kid Kiwi Descrii's
(and his Kiwi Commandos)
Apoena Goulao Minority Miss Mine
Onion Lad ???
"Andy" Martins Weirdness Magnet I mine
??? The Crime Empress ???
Coward Lad Cory Smith's /
(all used without permission, except of course for Minority
Miss. I'm hoping all appearances were small enough to not anger
the authors ;-) )
And special guest stars:
Hexadecimal Luthor Chris Hare's / Saxon Brenton's
Haiku Gorilla Tom Russel's
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