SG: Sporkman #12 - A New Mess

Greg Fishbone gfishbone at
Tue Jan 29 20:00:32 PST 2008

     In the cargo hold of the Supersonic Airship Unsplodable, Samuel
L. Jackson cobbled together a kick-ass motherfarkin' flamethrower
fueled by perfume bottles taken from checked luggage. Meanwhile,
Courtney from "Survivor: China" turned a set of skis, some Number 2
pencils, duct tape, a designer handbag, and a bottle of Coca-Cola Blak
into a recurve bow with a quiver of poison-tipped arrows.

     "What have you found over there?" Samuel called to Mickey Dunne.

     "Ground zero of our lemur infestation." Mickey pointed out a
broken wooden crate that had once held "DANGEROUS LIVE ANIMALS,"
according to various warning labels.

     "Whoa," said Courtney, taking a break from whittling pencils into
additional arrows. "How could harmless little lemurs break out of a
giant crate like that?"

     Mickey rubbed the edge of the crate and sniffed the thin residue
that came off on his fingertips. "These lemurs were under the

     "Of what?"

     Mickey looked around the cargo hold until he found an unassuming
pressurized canister with an unassuming timing device attached to it.

     "Say what?" asked Samuel. "How could motherfarkin' pheromones
turn motherfarkin' lemurs into motherfarkin' killing machines?"

     "These weren't lemur pheromones. These were piranha pheromones.
More specifically, they were Industrial Revolution Strength
Spoon-o-Matic Brand piranha pheromones."

     "Oh." Samuel looked from his purple lightsaber to his improvised
flamethrower to Courtney's crude projectile weapons. "I don't suppose
you have any firepower to add to our arsenal?" he asked Mickey.

     "Well...I've got a spork."

     Samuel dropped his face into his palms. "We're royally screwed."

**  The Sporkarific Sporkman
**  Episode #12: A New Mess
**  By Greg R. Fishbone
** Lemurs on a Dirigible #7 of 10
** Having achieved the height of fame, popularity, and power
** as the child hero, Sporkboy, Mickey Dunne finds himself
** friendless, broke, and haunted by a traumatic past. Can he
** pull himself together to save the world one more time?

     Serially Numbered Underling Number Thirteen sat across from
Zombie Bill O'Reilly at one of the Luxury Level's casino gaming
tables. "Ante in," said Zombie Bill.

     Number Thirteen frowned. "What do you mean, ante in? We're
playing for possession of Jeanette LeBlanc."

     "Just because we're using poker to resolve our dispute, it
doesn't mean we can't add to the pot. Here, I'll start us off. Winner
takes Jeanette LeBlanc Rolex Oyster!" As the undead talk-show
host yanked at his watch, his hand dropped off and flopped across the
felt table like an Addams Family pet. "Aw, man! I hate when that
happens. I wasn't going to raise by a hand until the flop!"

* * *

     "You guys check on the cockpit while I find us something to lure
these lemurs into a trap," said Mickey.

     "Like what?" asked Courtney.

     "Well, according to the cargo manifest, Passenger Parker packed a
palette of Portentous Piranha pinups."

     "A palette of Portentous Piranha pinups Passenger Parker packed?"
asked Courtney.

     Samuel rubbed his chin in thought. "But if Passenger Parker
packed a palette of Portentous Piranha pinups..."

     "Where's the palette of Portentous Piranha pinups Passenger
Parker packed?" Samuel and Courtney finished in unison. The two of
them high-fived then dissolved into a fit of laughter.

     "You guys are really getting on my nerves," said Mickey.

* * *

     Samuel and Courtney found the cockpit door sealed and locked from
the inside. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears sat together in the
hallway outside of the door, passing a small bottle of vodka back and
forth between them.

     "What's going on here?" asked Samuel.

     "That girl sent us down here," said Britney, gesturing drunkenly
with the bottle and spilling half of its remaining contents. "That
girl with the Double Double Plus Plus Plus Diamond Emerald Ruby
membership card. Jeanette Shomethin'. She had a hunch that the airship
would need a new pilot and co-pilot."

     "Hic!" hiccupped Lindsay in agreement.

     "And she sent two party-girl lushes to help?" asked Courtney in disbelief.

     "Yeah. Apparently we're the only passengers onboard with airship
pilot licenses," said Britney.

     "Thanks to leshons with John Travolta," explained Lindsay,
holding up her license. "Don't worry, guysh. All of our--Hic!--drunk
driving convictions have come from motor vehicles, not airships, sho
we're perfec'ly safe to fly this here concrete casaba."

     "Just get us inside and we'll do the rest," said Britney,
punctuating her statement by draining the last drops from the vodka

     "Okay, stand back," Samuel ordered. He wedged his lightsaber
between the door and the bulkhead, moving it back and forth until the
hinges popped.

     "Is your fancy flashlight supposed to be shooting off purple
sparks like that?" asked Courtney.

     "Aw, Hell(TM)," said Samuel, tossing away the now-worthless
saber. "The props department at Lucasfilm is sure gonna be pissed at
me when they find out about this."

* * *

     "I see Ann Coulter's badly-gnawed and detached left leg and raise
you... um... Michael Jackson's skull," said Number Thirteen, raiding
the pile of VIP remains for yet another item for the increasingly
grisly poker pot.

     "And I will raise you 250 rabid piranha-pheromone crazed lemurs!"
Zombie Bill exclaimed.

     "Well?" asked Number Thirteen.

     "Well what?"

     "Well, where are they?"

     Zombie Bill looked around the Luxury Level in a panic. "Dang!
Turn your back for a second and this is what happens every time!"

* * *

     "I found them," said Mickey, joining the group with his arms
laden with pinups.

     "Are those...real?" asked Courtney.

     "Actually, I'm pretty sure it's Portentous Piranha's head
photoshopped onto somebody else's body, but they're real enough for
our purposes."

     "I meant the teeth," said Courtney.

     "Oh, yeah, those are real."

     "Those are some of the most disturbing posters I've ever seen,"
noted Britney. "And I'm including Lindsay Lohan's 12-page spread for
the May 2007 issue of Strawberry Jam Lovers Magazine."

     "Hic!" Lindsay protested. "I wouldn't talk about disturbing
spreads if I were you, Pineapple Stuffers Monthly's Miss October

     Mickey wrinkled his brow. "Why are these two--?"

     "They're backup pilots," said Samuel. "Your girlfriend had a
motherfarkin' hunch that they'd come in handy."

     "Jeanette's not my girlfriend," said Mickey, a little too
quickly. "I mean sure, she's a girl... And I guess she's a friend...
And she did pay a fortune for my ticket on this airship... But that's
only because she needed a bodyguard or something."

     "Uh-huh," said Courtney with a smirk on her skeletal face.

     "Really," Mickey insisted. "Our relationship is strictly
professional, except that we did up in bed together last night."

     "Uh-huh," said Courtney again.

     "But nothing happened, I swear," said Mickey, trying hard to keep
his face from turning bright red from embarrassment.

     "Getting back to the posters you're carrying," said Samuel, "how
are those motherfarkin' things are going to help?"

     "It's a standard enough tactic. If these lemurs really are hopped
up on piranha pheromones, they'll go absolutely nuts when they see
these pictures of Portentous Piranha. It'll raise their frenzy level
about a million percent!"

     "Just what we need," commented Courtney, "a way to make those
lemurs even more dangerous than they were before."

     "That doesn't matter, because we won't be around when it happens.
We'll just lay down a trail of these posters and every lemur on this
airship will be lured right into our deadly lemur trap--once we've
created a deadly lemur trap, that is. I'm still trying to work that
part out."

     "It seems too easy," said Samuel with a scowl. "There should be a
major plot complication coming up right about now, leading to a
dramatic climax."

     "You've been watching and acting in too many action movies," said
Mickey. "So, were you guys able to open the cockpit door?"

     "Voila," said Samuel, pushing against the door. It fell inward
with a loud crash, revealing the skeletonized remains of Captain Jack,
his co-pilot, and for some odd reason, New York Yankees third-baseman
Alex Rodriguez in the navigator's seat.

     250 pairs of large yellow eyes turned toward the sound and
widened at the sight of the posters clutched in Mickey's arms. "Frink?
Frink-Frink? P'tang, p'tang, woo-woo-wahoooooooo!"




Find out in the next episode of the Sporktastic Sporkman, only on SUPERGUY!


The mysterious presence of A-Rod in the airship cockpit might be a tip
of the hat to the mysterious presence of Los Angeles Lakers center
Kareem Abdul-Jabar in the airliner cockpit in the movie, "Airplane!,"
which was itself a tip of the hat to the mysterious presence of Los
Angeles Rams running back Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch in the airliner
cockpit in the movie, "Zero Hour!" Or it might be payback for the way
he and his agent tried to upstage the World Series with contract
shenanigans. Take your pick!

I was pretty sure there's no such thing as "Pineapple Stuffers Monthly
Magazine" until somebody reminded me of the Internet's Rule 34.  Now I
just don't want to know.

An incident with Mickey and Jeanette in bed, referred to here,
occurred in the first two Sporkman episodes. Things went down
differently in the original Superguy version, but the delayed RACC
version is more definitive--so you can look at the Superguy version as
a rough field report from the story while the RACC edition has been
fact-checked and revised. Or in other words, what happens on Superguy
stays on Superguy.

Greg R. Fishbone -
* President: Class of 2k7 -
* ARA: New England SCBWI -

More information about the racc mailing list