LNH: 58.5 #24

Lalo Martins lalo.martins at gmail.com
Fri Feb 8 02:24:39 PST 2008

Previously on 58.5:

Since the beginning of April, one LNHer (sometimes more) was
picked as leader, every day, and disappeared at midnight.  That
wouldn't be such a big deal, if it wasn't for the fact that
April has already lasted for 285 days.

A few weeks ago, the Looniearth was invaded by an alternate LNH
from the "Evilverse".  They defeated most of the remaining
members of the "real" LNH, and took over Net.ropolis.  President
Luthor then decided to seal the city in a force field.  The New
Misfits got stuck inside it, where they joined the Resistance,
which strangely enough, is led by the Crime Empire, which in
turn is led by Paraddox (formerly Weirdness Magnet) and Vector
Prime (a.k.a. the Melissa Virus).


"Go away", said the young man.  "You're the wrong one."

"I *KNOW* that.  Will you stop saying it?  I'm just going to
take you to your friends.  They're here."


"Not Mary.  She's not with them."

"Away for private tutoring."

"Indeed she is."  He opened a door, and the young heads of the
New Misfits, who had been sitting in his office, turned to face
him.  "This guy has been asking for you for weeks, wandering
around town.  Almost got nabbed by the Evilverse LNH."

"Whino Lad", said Analytic.


Who Cares Studios backwardly presents...
                        __________    ______
                       / ____( __ )  / ____/
                      /___ \/ __  | /___ \
                     ____/ / /_/ / ____/ /


           In The Land That Our Grandchildren Knew

                       by Lalo Martins

                   Part 7 of Beige Twilight



"Wow", Blackbird said, looking him up and down.  "April has been
treating you well.  You look a lot better than last time we've met."

"We haven't met last time yet", was the answer.

"What are you doing here?", asked Howie K.  "It's dangerous."

Whino Lad pointed at Paraddox.  "He told me to find you.  To
bring you back.  So you can tell him about the disaster, and
he'll protect us, and you'll see the clock." [*]

[* You may want to read Weird Comics #3.  Just sayin'.  -- Evil
Footnote Girl]

"Er, sure", said Blackbird.  "But we're already here now."

"Not me", Paraddox said.  "He keeps saying I'm the 'wrong one',
so I assume he's talking about Weirdness Magnet."

Bonnie beamed.  "You know where he is?  All the missing LNHers?
We could surely use their help right now."

"Yes.  But not right now."

"Where *are* they then?"

"Exactly.  Then."

"That makes no sense", she said, in frustration, sinking in a

"Yes it does", said Sammy.  "I suspected it, but I thought--"

"What?", Blackbird asked.

Sammy just held Whino Lad by the shoulders and asked pointedly:

"October", he answered.

"I *KNEW* it", said Sammy, clapping his hands.

"What?", asked Bonnie.

"He's not a prophet", said Locked Room, who had been fiddling
with a four-dimensional Hyper-Rubik cube she picked up from
Paraddox's table.  "He's a time-jumper who grifed his mind."
Sammy looked at her with incredulity; how could *she* know?  She
raised her head and looked him in the eyes.  "What?  I've seen
it before.  It happens."

"Is this why he keeps warning us about a clock?", asked Howie.

"Probably", Locke answered.  "His logic must be all kloorvy."

"Listen to me", said Sammy, again holding Whino Lad by the
shoulders.  "We're not in October now, we're in April, in the
middle of the Evilverse invasion.  By the way, it's nice to know
there *is* an October in the future."

"Unless it's *last* October", said Daniel.

"Shut up.  So, please go back, and tell Weirdness Magnet we
*know* he's searching for us, and we'll make contact when we
can.  And tell him you can time-jump, that's important."

"I could take you with me", Whino Lad said.

"No", said Blackbird.  "That would change history."

"For the better", was the answer, and a tear ran down.

"Who's to say.  And we have to deal with the Evilverse thing.
We have the force field around the city, and we're mounting a
big attack--"

Whino Lad panicked.  "No!  You can't!  They'll fire the Gnab!"

"Oh for crying out loud", said Bonnie.  "And he was making so
much sense!  Now he's even inventing words..."

"Bonnie", he said, sharply.  "If you defeat them, they'll
destroy our universe."

A heavy silence fell.

Paraddox finally said, "I heard rumors... that they *may* have a
mega-doomsday device for that purpose.  The ultimate net.villain
fit-throwing, 'if I can't have it then neither can you', classic."

"Give unto God", Whino Lad said, looking at Paraddox.  The
ex-hero just nodded.

"Well", said Blackbird, "I don't know about you people, but I'm
quite fond of this universe."

Whino Lad looked at his shoes.  "You go get it.  I go tell
Weirdness Magnet.  We meet again earlier."  And then he
exploded, causing considerable damage to the office, and hurting
a few people superficially.

"He didn't do *that* last time he disappeared", Sammy said.


A few days later, everybody was ready for the raid on the LNHQ.

"So we're understood", said Bonnie.  "Freeing the LNH would be a
welcome bonus, but you are to treat that as a secondary
objective at best.  Our priority is recovering the doomsday
device.  No distractions."

"I have a little present for you all", announced Paraddox.  He
flipped the slide in the projector, which was showing what they
believed (from their intelligence reports) the Gnab would look
like.  The next slide had him and Melissa in Starfleet uniforms
at a convention.  He turned very red.  "How did *that* get in
here?"  He flipped again.  Now it was a rendering of the New
Misfits in nice new outfits.  At the same time, eight Crime
Empire goons entered and delivered actual packages to all of
them... except Laran.

"I see I am not in your picture and I get no package", the
Etruscan god observed.

"You don't mess with *those* looks", Paraddox answered, doing a
reasonable Captain Jack Harkness impression.

"My clothes are made with my power", said Blackbird.

"Yeah, and if you walk into an anti-magic field, you're suddenly
in Laran cosplay.  Brilliant."  Blackbird went a bit red and
opened his package.  The contents looked almost identical to
what he was already wearing, anyway.  But the piercings were a
nice addition.

"I'm not sure about it", said Howie.  "It's a lot easier to
fight in a kimono."

"I suppose.  It also announces what you do to the enemies.
Seeing a humanoid green bird in a three-piece with a grey
trenchcoat should throw them off their game a bit... and the
trenchcoat is great for hiding weapons."

"Ooh.  The suit is actually pretty flexible", Howie said,
playing with the fabric in his hands.

"Yay", Bonnie said, "now we're all in trenchcoats!"

"I love the colors", said Locked Room, studying hers.

"Locke", Bonnie said, "it's black."

"Actually", Paraddox said, "it has lovely colors, if your eyes
can see in the UV range."

"You can see in the UV range?", asked Blackbird, shocked.  "And
you never told us?"

"You never asked", she said, already getting undressed, to the
embarrassment of (some of) the males around her.

Daniel already had his trenchcoat on, the rest of the package
forgotten on the chair.  His was white, and looked more like a
lab coat.  "Nice!  Pockets of all sizes, and all sorts of tools!
I love it!  Oooh, this one fits the Big Gun perfectly!"

"The vest and trousers have even more pockets", said Paraddox,
"and the t-shirt has a few things sewed in that you could use
to escape imprisonment.  And you'll find three extra Big Gun
battery packs, one in each piece, trousers, vest, and coat."


"And you got Dawg a brown, gansta-looking trenchcoat with a
hoodie", observed Sammy.

"Fly", Dawg said.

Most eyes turned to Green, who hadn't opened his package, and
was looking melancholically at the projector screen.


"I remind myself of dad in this outfit."

"Five-twenty-three you noofers", said Locked Room, who was
already in her new outfit.  "Now we're all strawing and frames,
let's go kloorve some Evilverse seyoon!"


 ???                   Whino Lad              mine
 "Andy" Martins        Paraddox               mine
 Meredith Samuels      Analytic               mine
 Blackbird Jones       Blackbird              mine
 Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi       Howie K.               mine
 Bonnie Chique         Bandwagon Chick        Sue Clark's
 (unpronounceable)     Locked Room            mine
 Old Ugly                                     mine
 Daniel Hunt           Contraption Boy        mine
 Melissa               The Crime Empress      Rob Rogers'
 Sgt. Lauro Graziani   Laran, god of war      mine
 Doug "Dawg" Tyler     Ultra-Mobile Dawg      mine
 Green Delaware        Tree-Hugging Kid       mine

If you're on Facebook, join the LNH group today!


Bonus feature: How to Write Locked Room

real name: unknown; her native language is incomprehensible
for 21st-century humans
aliases: Locke (nickname)
age: 18
appearance: a short, slightly plump teen, with very small ears,
shiny pink eyes, and olive hair, wearing a mini-skirt,
stockings, high boots, and a baby-look t-shirt, all in brightly
clashing colors; now all topped with a large, military-styled
trenchcoat that appears black, but "has lovely colors, if your
eyes can see in the UV range".

powers: Locke has no powers per se, but is a capable
biologist/geneticist, and her body is much more evolved than a
contemporary human, thanks to over six million years of natural
and artificial (genetic engineering) evolution.

personality: an all-out rebel and nonconformist, only three
things can make her happy: creating new life, eating
strong-tasting food, and hanging around friends.  In the 21st
century, she doesn't have the tools to engage in the first of
those; but she's been busy trying a whole world of new and
different food, and she's finally made friends that she loves
and trusts "entirely".  She gets angry very easily, and speaks
in a strange, hard-to-place accent, liberally spiced with her
own special slang.

Born in the year 6,345,789 (presumably on Earth, although she
never said that), she was the daughter of two scientists, and a
rebel since an early age.  She got in serious trouble of
unspecified nature a number of times, the latest one being when
she and a group of friends stole bio-equipment which allowed
them to create their own engineered pets (including Locke's pet
giant, telepathic trilobite, Old Ugly).  When it was the time to
reward her mother for "a great service to humanity", the ruling
powers decided to give her family a time-trip to "pre-history",
in the hopes that it would either quench Locke's thirst for
rebellion, or present an opportunity for them to get rid of the
girl.  Her father picked 2006, and the latter option soon became
reality, as the couple managed to get killed in a gang war,
allowing the future "government" to just abandon Locke.  She
spent an unspecified time fending off for herself, before she
met the New Misfits, thanks to a time-traveller support group.

dialog style: swearing is almost compulsive for Locke; but she
uses her own future slang rather than more well-known curse
words, in particular "grife", "grifing", "kloorve", "sprok".
See the bonus feature in issue 4 of 58.5 (her first appearance)
for a small glossary.

allies and friends: Member of the New Misfits, best friends with
Mary Smith (Whatever) (believed dead).

enemies and dislikes: she hates authority in all forms, in
particular when it's authoritarian or abused (although she
doesn't have a problem with the concept of the team having field
leaders to make combat decisions).  Perhaps because of that, she
strongly dislikes Dramatic Pause Lass and P.A.N.I.C.; she also
distrusts Hex Luthor and his government, although she never
actually met him.  She feels strongly about the Crime Empire, an
organization named after two equally distasteful concepts; and
she has a beef that seems almost personal with the Time Crapper
and Mother Time.

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