LNH: 58.5 #23

Lalo Martins lalo.martins at gmail.com
Mon Feb 4 14:23:06 PST 2008

Previously on 58.5:

Since the beginning of April, one LNHer (sometimes more) was
picked as leader, every day, and disappeared at midnight.  That
wouldn't be such a big deal, if it wasn't for the fact that
April has already lasted for 285 days.

A few weeks ago, the Looniearth was invaded by an alternate LNH
from the "Evilverse".  They defeated most of the remaining
members of the "real" LNH, and took over Net.ropolis.  President
Luthor then decided to seal the city in a force field.  The New
Misfits got stuck inside it, but what can a few newbie heroes do
against an entire LNH with "no redeeming qualities"?


"We kicked their @$$", said Howie K.

"That we did", Bonnie agreed.

"Again", observed Laran.

"Again", Daniel agreed.

Blackbird just looked at the floor.  The New Misfits were
"camping" at the junkyard that used to belong to the Geekobots.

"We've been here for ten days and an equal number of days have
we defeated Evilverse scum", the Etruscan god added.

"And a fat lot of good that did", Blackbird finally said.

"Dude", said Daniel.

"As much as I hate to side with the pessimistic view", Howie
K. said, "our esteemed leader is right on this one.  What did we
really accomplish?"

"We established our team as a thorn on their side", said Laran.

"Which makes us a target", observed the kiwi.

"And doesn't make the lives of anyone in the city any better",
Blackbird added.  "We're just making noise."

"We give them hope", offered Bonnie.

"Do we really?", asked Locked Room.  "What they see is that the
grifing noofers take beating after beating, and that weakens
them sprok all."

Bonnie sighed.

"There must be a way we can make a difference", said Sammy.

"I believe that would be my cue", said Smiley, lifting a
discarded spaceship to make way for herself.

"Sue", said Bonnie, running to hug her.  "Where have you been?"

"Looking for allies.  It struck me that the guerrilla thing just
wasn't doing it, but there must be a place where our strength
would be more useful."

A black young man in hip-hop street fashion walked in, coming
from the same direction Smiley just did.

"Yo.  What's kickin'?"

"New Misfits", she said, "meet Ultra-Mobile Dawg.  He's here to
take you to the Resistance."


Who Cares Studios divinely presents...
                        __________    ______
                       / ____( __ )  / ____/
                      /___ \/ __  | /___ \
                     ____/ / /_/ / ____/ /


            Though You Die, La Resistance Lives On

                       by Lalo Martins

                   Part 6 of Beige Twilight



As the New Misfits (properly disguised) walked out of a bus[*]
in front of a small office building, Ultra-Mobile Dawg
cheerfully turned around and entered.  Smiley sighed, put her
hand on Blackbird's shoulder, and looked him in the eye.

[*The Evilverse LNH couldn't have the city stopping, so we set
up a scheme to import gas from our world.  At a decent profit,
of course. -- Evil Footnote Girl]

"I'm not going in there", she said.

"What?  But you arranged this, I thought they--"

"It's not about the Resistance.  It's me.  I'm not prepared to
join any Resistance.  Or stay with the New Misfits."

"Er... what?"

She sighed again.  "This is a lot more dangerous than I signed
up for.  Lethal, is the right word.  I mean, seriously, look at
you.  Both your team and the Resistance have a ridiculous
mortality rate.  How many members have you lost since the team
became the 'New Misfits', seriously?"


"I'm sorry, but I'm not this kind of hero.  I'm not ready to
die, no matter how good the cause."

He turned his eyes down and shook his head.  "I understand."

"I think I'm leaving too", announced Bandwagon Chick.


"Not for the same reason.  Just for some time.  I mean.  My
mystic bandwagon is locked outside the force field.  I've been
pretty much useless ever since--"

"Bonnie, you're not just our driver.  We never made it official,
but everybody thinks you lead this team about as much as I do."

"Yeah?  And in all these fights for the last few days I've been
doing what?  Watching!"

"Absolutely.  Which allows you to help us formulate strategies
the next day.  Laran has the strategist mind, Sammy has the
hyper-brain, and you have the experience.  We couldn't have been
winning as much as we have without you."

"Oh.  That's-- sweet."

Smiley smirked.


"Nice to feel loved", she said.

"Don't even start", said Blackbird.  "We do like you.  You're a
member of the team and the family.  But you don't need me to say
that; that's not the reason you're leaving.  You're leaving
because it's dangerous and I can't argue with that."

"Fair enough."  She kissed him in the forehead, and Bonnie in
the cheek.  Then she turned around and started crossing the
street, afraid she'd change her mind.

"Take care", said Bonnie.

She turned back and smiled at them.  "You too.  Try to stay
safe, it's--"

And a speeding truck ran over her, splattering her all over the
street.  Blackbird and Bandwagon Chick just stood there,
looking, incredulous.

"What's with girls kissing me on the forehead?", Blackbird
finally managed to say.

"Let's get inside", said Sammy, pulling both by their arms.
"The police will be here any moment."

They walked into the building and pressed the elevator button.
When the doors opened, Howie K. (who had entered first, with
Ultra-Mobile Dawg, and therefore missed the Smiley scene) was
waiting for them, looking disturbed.  They told him about Smiley
(which didn't make him look any better), then he said:

"Oh", he said, as the elevator doors closed and they went up.
"Just met the leaders of the Resistance.  You won't believe who
it is.  Well, Sammy probably already worked it out, but--"

"The Crime Empire", Sammy said, to the shock of most New
Misfits.  "Only they have the infra-structure for the kind of
action we've been hearing about.  But why?"

"This leader then", said Bonnie.  "One Manhandler?  We've met."

The elevator opened and Howie K. walked out quietly.  He led
them to a small office, where a man was (for appropriate drama)
looking out the window, with the back to them.  When all New
Misfits were inside the room, the door closed and bolted itself.
And he turned to face them.

"You!", Blackbird said, jumping to get him.  Sammy and Bonny
held him by the arms.

"Howdy there", he said with a smile.

Green let herself fall into a chair.  "That's just great.  We've
been tracking you for months, and now you invite us into your
office.  Awesome."

"Nobody told you?  All you had to do is get some invaders from
another universe."

"That seems to work pretty well for you, doesn't it?", said
Sammy, in a suggestive tone.  "13th Dimension, Evilverse..."

"Yeah", he said, sitting down, "and Net.Jersey."

Blackbird was composing himself a little more.  "Wait a minute.
All right, you changed, and all.  But-- seriously, have you been
calling yourself the Crime Empress???"

'Andy' laughed out loud.  "No, that would be my dear partner."
He pressed a buzzer on his desk.  "Honey, would you come over?"

The door opened, and the New Misfits got shocked again.

"But that is--"

"Vector Prime", said Bandwagon Chick, quietly.

"A.k.a. The Melissa Virus", added Sammy.  "I didn't see *that*
one coming."

"A.k.a. The Crime Empress", she added herself, smiling.

"Time for a little secret origins", said Andy, "and I have to do
it in less than 100 lines."  The New Misfits all got themselves
comfortable.  "When the Meta-Gods from the 13th Dimension
invaded, we were almost defeated.  I mean, seriously,
Meta-Gods.  Kid Kirby couldn't be located.  Doctor Stomper and
Fearless Leader were busting their brains... and I was drinking
a lot of coffee and feeling generally useless.

"It so happened that Melissa was our prisoner at that time.  She
has this funny thing, since we fixed the uncontrolled cloning,
of sprouting new powers every now and then, apparently following
the trends of viruses, trojans, and spam in Real Life.  A few
days before the invasion, she showed up with this strange power
of secreting chemicals with pharmacological effects--"

"P3N15 en1argement works", she recited, with a wink.

"--so the Ninja said, 'that's too weird, so you go take care of
it, form a team', etc etc, you know how it goes.  So we had
apprehended her, and as such it was my turn to go interrogate
her, since the operation she had assembled wasn't completely
dismantled yet.

"She was scared out of her mind, having heard about the invasion
and how it looked grim.  So she told me--"

"I told him I could help.  As part of the effort to build an
operation, I had been experimenting with mind-enhancing drugs on
my... agents.  It was error-prone, but I was already good enough
at it.  I reached a level where I could make someone *really*
smart, I mean, super-humanly so.  But I didn't dare try that on
any of my employees, and my powers didn't work on myself."

"So you were her guinea pig", said Bonnie.

"More like my masterwork."

"She expanded my mind until I was able to operate briefly on
Meta-God level.  And the first thing my meta-god mind told me
was: Ultimate Ninja is going to kick me out of the LNH, or at
least kill me, for trying this without telling him, and
unsupervised.  Oh well."

"And of course, let Melissa escape", added Blackbird.

"I didn't, in fact.  I was too interested in the results."

"Which were, I must say, good enough.  I mean, I didn't have
Meta-God powers, and one Meta-God brain is hardly enough to
defeat all of them; but I could communicate on their level, and
convince them to leave."

"You just asked?", said Sammy, incredulous.

"Not really.  But it would take months to explain the reason
they left in terms you could understand... years for anyone
else.  And we have better things to do."

"So you left the LNH."

"Not immediately.  I decided to keep my change secret.  I helped
Melissa escape after a decent period.  We, together, took over
Khe Sharaq's Crime Empire, which had been headless for some
time, due partially to our efforts[*].  I gradually faded out of
the LNH.  And... we've put our grander plans into motion."

[*During Birth of a Villain.  The real reason it was headless is
that Tiddles, the brains behind Khe Saraq, was busy doing
something else after being defeated by Mouse, as will be
hopefully revealed one day -- Evil Footnote Girl]

"So becoming smarter makes you a villain?", asked Sammy, with a

"Not at all.  Becoming smarter lets me see my hopes of making
the world better are pointless.  We live in a fictional
universe, which we *can* make better in minor ways, but the
general quality of life will only improve about as much as it
does in Real Life.  So why bother?  I'd much rather live it big
and have lots of fun."

"What about saving the world when it needs saving?", Blackbird
asked, challengingly.

"That's still worth doing.  And I'd argue I have a much better
infra-structure for it now."

Sammy nodded in appreciation.

"So what do we call you?", asked Bonnie.  "Crime Emperor?"

"Nah.  That's just cheesy.  You can call me -- Paraddox."


 Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi       Howie K.               mine
 Bonnie Chique         Bandwagon Chick        Sue Clark's
 Sgt. Lauro Graziani   Laran, god of war      mine
 Daniel Hunt           Contraption Boy        mine
 Blackbird Jones       Blackbird              mine
 (unpronounceable)     Locked Room            mine
 Old Ugly                                     mine
 Meredith Samuels      Analytic               mine
 Sue Jagger            Smiley                 mine
 Doug "Dawg" Tyler     Ultra-Mobile Dawg      mine
 Green Delaware        Tree-Hugging Kid       mine
 Blur                  Blur                   mine
 "Andy" Martins        Paraddox               mine
 Melissa               The Crime Empress      Rob Rogers'

If you're on Facebook, join the LNH group today!


Deleted scene (seemed redundant, but funny enough to post here)

They walked into the building and pressed the elevator button.
When the doors opened, Howie K. (who had entered first, with
Ultra-Mobile Dawg, and therefore missed the Smiley scene) was
waiting for them, looking disturbed.

"Wow", said Bonnie, "you look disturbed."

"Why hello, Sister State-The-Obvious II.  You don't look too
great yourselves."

"Smiley is dead", Blackbird said curtly.

"What?  How?  Evilverse?"

"Ran over by a grifing truck", said Locked Room.

"Seriously?  What was she doing in the street to begin with?"

"Leaving the group", said Bonnie.

"Leaving?  Why?"

"Because she was afraid to die", Blackbird delivered the punchline.

"Errrrrrr... ok."

"What about you?"

"Oh", he said, as the elevator doors closed and they went up.
"Just met the leaders of the Resistance.  You won't believe who
it is.  Well, Sammy probably already worked it out, but--"

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