LNH: First Person Shooter Man #1

Nicholas O'Connor themaestroofemail at gmail.com
Sat Dec 13 01:46:07 PST 2008

[ Author; Nicholas O'Connor ]
[ Title: Connecting to Server ]
[ All characters (except for those briefly mentioned [like "walked down 
the hall and high-fived x"]) used with permission. Brief mentions will be 
removed if original creator wishes ]


I wasn't sure what happened that day. One minute I'm screaming at my 
idiot teammates to cap the flag, next thing I remember I'm in the 
hospital with a 100% in the corner of my eye. So, I asked the doc (and 
Mom) to fill in the blanks.

So, here's my story of how I got my powers. My name is William O. Smith. 
I've had people make cracks about how my name is Will Smith, so don't 
bother - it's not original. Anyway, I (being unable to find a job, and 
unable to rent a home out) live in my mother's basement, playing first 
person shooter games, because they're my favorite genre. It was stormy. 
and Mom had to go to the store because we ran out of milk and eggs. Hey, 
she makes awesome cakes! I was playing a game, and some idiot on my team 
was refusing to cap the enemy flag, just sitting in our base's flag room 
waiting for an enemy to show up. I get behind him, ready to TK him to get 
the flag and cap it, when the big lightning strike hit.

I was electrocuted, and Mom showed up five minutes later, saw me, and 
called the hospital. On the way to the ER, somehow, I still had a few 
volts in me, and some nurse slipped on something and the cliche medical 
waste came pouring onto me. I was a little subconsious (like in an uber-
sleep) at the time it seems, and I was thinking about whether or not that 
guy finally got the flag capped (doubt it) and I guess that's when the 
HUD and stuff came up.

The doctor said that he had to implant a metal plate in my brain to stop 
some bleeding from a diecast model of an old gasoline truck falling onto 
my head, and that's probably where the mouse wheel I developed on my 
middle finger came from. Whenever I spin the thing, it keeps popping up 
different weapons and attacks.

It's really weird. Oh well, Mom always says "Do the best you can with 
what you have", and I guess I should go make sure that crime gets 


I heard about these guys who call themselves the LNH, and they seem like 
a nice bunch to hang around with. Wonder if they're a clan. I walked up 
to the person at the secretary desk and she said "Sure, come on in! Oh, 
and I'm going to head to the corner store in a few minutes here, could 
you ask Lurker Lad, if you can find him, if he wants anything?"

"If I see him in the next few minutes, I'll be sure to ask him," I 


Yep, nice place. That's when that big purple phone rang.

"I got it," I said to the secretary as I picked the phone up. "Hello?"

"LNH? There's a robbery in progress at 16th and Broadway!" said the 
scared-as-crap lady on the phone.

"I'm on it!" I say. Then I see a loading screen, which I think is a 
little odd, then ten seconds later, I'm at 16th and Broadway. Dude, how 
much RAM do I have? I see the dudes, and find a car noone's using. I 
write them a note saying "Will return, hopefully in one piece. --FPS 
Man." Hey, I may be a living FPS, but there's still laws! Anyway, I 
follow, keeping two or three cars between like in those movies. I follow 
them to a building that looks like it could be an old server farm. Once I 
get out of the car, the car vanishes, and my note appears in my hand. 
Possibly respawned? Anyway, after waiting a little while to decrease 
suspicions that the crooks are being followed, I go inside.

That's when I hear the cackling. "So, someone DID follow us."

"Hey, aren't you the idiot that wouldn't cap the flag?" I shoot back, 
because it sure SOUNDED like that guy.

"Hey, from now on, you don't refer to me as the idiot anymore. You shall 
call me by my name: Server Admin."

"Server Admin my butt!"

"Come in here! Say that to my face!"

All right. I scroll the mousewheel on my finger. Machinegun. That'll 
work. I go in, and immediately something whacks me in the head and I 
can't move for a few minutes.

I see "Server Admin" holding a large mallet with "B&" written on it. 
"Like my new toy? I call it the 'Banhammer'."

I can't even speak. Server Admin keeps cackling for a minute, then I 
regain movement powers. 100% health. Must be a reconnect deal.

"I see you can move. Once I whack you while you aren't moving, you'll be 
permabanned from life, and cease to exist!"

"Oh yeah?" I scroll the mousewheel. Shotgun. Yeah, that'll be fine. I 
shoot him in the hand, thus making him drop the Banhammer. Then I shoot 
him in the chest a little bit, and grab the Banhammer. My shotgun 
vanishes. I scroll the mousewheel, and the Banhammer vanishes, replaced 
by... the machinegun. Schwheetness. I start shooting him.

Server Admin shouts "BANHAMMER RECALL!" My mousewheel scrolls to 
banhammer, and it flies out of my hands into his. Server Admin gets real 
annoyed. "Time to permaban!"

I scroll the wheel frantically. Grenade. Oh yeah!

"Oh yeah? Well, yo' mama!"

Server Admin laughs at my pathetic attempt at a comeback, the perfect 
time to own him. I throw a grenade in his throat. He closes his mouth. 
Bad move. The nade blows up, bringing up a little health bar above him 
that's almost empty. I finish him off with a shotgun blast to the head.

He vanishes, and so does the Banhammer (which I really wanted - that 
would be really useful for crimefighting). But I hear his voice: "You 
haven't seen the last of me. Catch you on respawn."

Oh well, he's gone for now. While his cronies are stunned, I knock 'em 
out the old fashioned way, and grab the stolen stuff. Loading...back to 
16th and Broadway. I give the stuff back, and load home. Yep, all in a 
day's work.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when
you die, your soul goes on the roof and
gets stuck.
   -- George Carlin

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