LNH: Beige Midnight #2: Imperium Hex Part II: 'The Dungeons of Freedom...!' (2/3)

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Aug 11 17:53:44 PDT 2008

Beginning of Part II

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Dude.  Need to get up."

The Robgoblin saw some bright shiny figure walking towards him.  It was 
some man that wore a baseball cap backwards, 501 blue style jeans, and a 
shirt that said, 'Youngblood Lives!'

"You're the -- Rob!" said an astonished RobGoblin.  "Am I dead?"

"No.  Just got your ass kicked by some geek with a book."

"Can't move!  None of my body parts work!  I'm a monstrosity!"

"No, dude.  You're kick ass.  You're Kewl!  Every Fanboy loves you!"

"My feet!"

"You know what your problem is?  You're thinking!  You need to stop 
thinking!  Be awesome!"

"I'm not sure I can -- be awesome?  I have seen too much!"

"Because you're thinking!  You can't be awesome and think at the same 
time!  It's just not possible!  You know what would happen if I thought 
about stuff?  If I thought about everything people said about me?  Like 
for instance -- Your comics suck, Why don't you take art lessons, You 
plagiarized this, You're late again, You're fired, Where are my 
royalties, Your company is bankrupt, Why can't you draw feet, and a 
bunch of other stupid stuff.  You know what would happen if I thought 
about all of that stuff?  You know?"


"I don't know.  Because -- I don't think about it!  I just scribble some 
stuff on a page and hand it in -- and some how it becomes a Comic Book! 
  And people pay me money for that.  Lots of money!  So I can sit in a 
mansion and be awesome.  That's the secret to happiness.  Stop Thinking 
-- Be Awesome!  It's that simple!  And anyone can do it!"

"I'll try."

"No.  There is no try.  There is Be Awesome.  Or Not Be Awesome.  There 
is no try.  Clear your mind, RobGoblin.  Clear it!  Let only Awesomeness 
be in your mind!"

Extreme Constipation overtook the RobGoblin's face as he cleared his 
mind leaving only Awesomeness in it.

Six Splash pages showed the RobGoblin slowly get up from the floor and 
finally in a big six-page centerfold spread showing the RobGoblin in all 
of this glory (except for his feet) holding his BIGGUN TM up proudly 
with a dialogue balloon out of his mouth that said simply, "I AM 

"Now go kick that book worm's ass," said The Rob as he slowly faded away 
from our mortal realm.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Hey, DorkWad!!  Catch!!"

Anatomy Lesson Lad turned around just in time to catch some object that 
had been thrown at him.  It was some kind of very crosshatched badly 
drawn red sphere.  One of RobGoblin's BludKins!  Before he could throw 
it back, it exploded.  Anatomy Lesson Lad could feel his whole body 
start to change.  No!  Not this, he thought as he looked at his whole 
body swelling.  Anatomy Lesson Lad collapsed to the ground.  He tried to 
move, but he couldn't.  No one could move drawn like this.  Humans 
weren't meant to look like this!

And to fully articulate his terror, he tried in vain to perform 
different horrified facial expressions.  But he could only seem to do one...

....Extreme Constipation.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"I guess it's pretty horrible the first time you hear the music.  I mean 
it wasn't that bad for me, but most of my life has been horrible so I 
was pretty much used to it," said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass as she 
watched Ripping Dancer convulse on the floor.

"Cancer!  Got Cancer!  Going to die!  Everything -- done -- Wrong!  Why? 
  Why all this?  Failure.  Choices wrong.  No.  Going to lose.  Failure. 
  Darkness.  Cold.  Nothing.  Nothing.  Going to lose," said Ripping 
Dancer to herself as all the horrible memories she had ever had flooded 
her brain.

"We all lose, Ripping Dancer.  You know something funny?  How I got my 
powers?  It was my parents.  They put one of those Freedom Chips in my 
head.  Can't blame them though.  Guess I deserved it.  Was always 
depressed.  Hating life.  Was into cutting myself.  Trying to make the 
pain go away.  Tried all of those antidepressant drugs.  Didn't work. 
And I made two attempts to kill myself.  Sadly both failed.  I guess 
after the second one my parents were desperate for anything.  And so 
they took me to a place that puts Freedom Chips into people.  Had to 
watch all these videos afterwards.  Videos where Irony Man told me to 
not do things.  Don't cut myself.  Don't kill myself.  Don't do drugs. 
Don't have premarital sex.  That sort of thing.  And it worked.  After 
watching those videos -- I didn't want to do those things.  I just 
wanted to obey the voice of Irony Man and do whatever he said."

"What -- what's funny...?"

"What's funny?  I guess what's funny is that everyone knows what the 
Freedom Chips do and they don't care.  My parents and everyone else. 
They know about Hex Luthor's secret prisons and chips that control 
people and his raping of the Constitution and they don't care.  They 
just want to be safe and for their children to be safe.  And if they 
lose some rights -- oh well.  I'm not quite sure what you and your 
terrorist friends are trying to accomplish here, but it's not going to 
work.  The people don't want you to save them -- they want Hex Luthor to 
save them.  There is no hope, Ripping Dancer."

"No... Hope?"

"Nope.  No Hope.  No thread of hope.  There are no heroes.  Just corrupt 
people and people hoping to be corrupted.  The Freedom Chip is the 
future, Ripping Dancer.  There is no hope.  Let go of it, Ripping 
Dancer.  You'll feel much better."


Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass nodded her head.  "Yes.  No thread.  No 
thread of hope at all."

"No.  See thread.  Cold-Blackness -- a thread.  Shiny thread of light. 
Can see it.  Yes.  Thread.  Thread Bear.  There is -- Thread Bear," said 
Ripping Dancer as she slowly started to get up.

"Thread Bear?  What does that mean?" said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass 
puzzling over Ripping Dancer's bizarre words.

"Where there is Thread Bear -- there is hope."  Ripping Dancer stood up. 
  "And I don't need to dance to defeat you," she said socking 
Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass out cold with her fist.

Ripping Dancer then ejected the CD out of the Boom Box and smashed it 
against the wall.  She clicked on the radio part of the boom box and 
turned the knob looking for some music.  Music that she could dance to. 
  Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' started to play.  Ripping Dancer 
cranked the volume to the highest level.

"I'm going rip this whole damn place apart," she said as she started 
dancing down the hallway.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The RobGoblin glided around the prison for a bit when he spotted Ripping 
Dancer down one of the hallways.

"Hey, Dancer!  Found that Bicycle DorkWad yet?"

"Oh hi!  Haven't had any luck.  Mostly been fighting those LNH'rs.  Why 
don't we take a break?  That BIGGUN TM you're holding looks really heavy."

"Heavy?  Nah!  But if you want to take a break -- sure, we can do that."

"Why don't you just put that BIGGUN of yours down and sit right here 
next to me?" Ripping Dancer said with a rather seductive look on her face.

What was going on here, thought the RobGoblin?  Was she coming on to 
him?  This didn't make any sense.  No!  Stop thinking!  Be Awesome!  Be 
Awesome!  Yes!!  I am Awesome!!

"Those muscles of yours are so big -- mind if I touch them?"

"Well, sure -- if you want to.  I lift weights like every day."

"Amazing," she said as her hand slid along the RobGoblin's chest and up 
towards his neck.  As her hand got closer to his neck it started to 
change shape.

"You know, now that I think about it -- you are rather ugly, aren't 
you?"  The hand grabbed the RobGoblin's neck and began to squeeze very 
tightly.  The RobGoblin tried to remove the hand from his throat, but it 
was too strong.  He looked to see who was attempting to choke him to 
death and noticed that Ripping Dancer's face had changed.  She was now 
the Ultimate Savior.

The Ultimate Savior lifted the RobGoblin up in the air by his throat. 
"Well.  What am I going to do with you?  I can kill you.  I'm allowed 
that much.  But will I?  Maybe.  Maybe later.  Have to deal with the 
rest of your team.  But I can't have you running around.  So I'm going 
to break your arms and legs."  The Ultimate Savior smiled a sadistic 
smile.  "This is going to hurt."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ripping Dancer paused as she was opening another one of the prison 
cells.  Was that a screaming?  Sounded a bit like the RobGoblin.  Oh 
well.  She had to find Bicycle Repair Lad quickly before more LNH'rs 
arrived.  Empty.

Another empty cell.  Maybe he wasn't even here in this prison.  Just got 
to keep trying.

Let's try -- this one, she thought opening another door.  And inside the 
cell was a man strapped to a bed.  A TV in the upper corner wall was 
playing a Hex Luthor speech.

"Bicycle Repair Lad?  Is that you?"

"Who?  Who's there?"

"It's me, Ripping Dancer.  Well, I'm not sure if we actually met.  I'm 
LNH though.  Well, was.  Look.  I'm here to break you out of here.  But 
there are some things I need to tell you first.  You need to remember 
this.  First -- I'm your girlfriend.  And second -- Easily-Discovered 
Man Lite put you in this prison.  If anyone asks you questions."

"What?  What are you -- it was Hex Luthor that put me in here!"

"I know that.  But if anyone asks -- it was Easily-Discovered Man Lite 
who put you in here!  Just trust me!  And oh -- I'm working for the 
Legion of Net.Villains now, but not really."

Bicycle Repair Lad blinked his eyes.  "Are you raving mad?"

"No.  Look.  I can't explain all of this right now.  Let's just get you 
out of here!"

"Can't walk!  Legs have atrophied!"

"Hmm.  Wait.  Let me think.  Oh!  There's a wheelchair over there -- 
let's use that!"  Ripping Dancer dragged Bicycle Repair Lad out of his 
bed and helped him onto the wheelchair.

As Ripping Dancer pushed Bicycle Repair Lad out of the room she spotted 
Thread Bear coming down the hallway.  "Thread Bear!  Over here!"

Thread Bear started to walk towards them.  "Found him, I see.  That's good."

"Yeah.  Have you seen the others?  I could have sworn I heard RobGoblin 

Thread Bear shook his head.  "No.  RobGoblin's fine.  Hmm.  There's 
something on your neck."  Thread Bear's hand reached toward Ripping 
Dancer's neck.

Ripping Dancer giggled slightly as Thread Bear's furry paw gloves 
tickled her neck.  And then Thread Bear's paw started to grip her throat 
very tightly.  "What -- What are you *urk*!!"

"No.  Not Thread Bear after all."  Thread Bear's face morphed into the 
Ultimate Savior's face.  A number of tentacles shot out of his arm and 
wrapped themselves around Ripping Dancer to prevent her from making any 
dance movements.  "Not the Savior either.  Had so many names and faces 
over the years.  Do you want to know my real one?  Hmm.  On second 
thought, let's make it a game.  How's that sound?  I'm going to do 
horrible and nasty things to you and if you can guess my real name -- 
I'll stop doing them to you.  Sound like a fun game?"

Bicycle Repair Lad backed slightly way from the two of them and scanned 
the hallway for some type of a weapon.  Next to a fire extinguisher was 
a fire ax.  He quickly wheeled over there and broke the glass and got 
the ax.  And then holding the ax with one hand and wheeling himself 
madly with the other he charged towards the Ultimate Savior and hacked 
his back with the ax.  "Die!!" Bicycle Repair Lad screamed.

The Ultimate Savior turned around with an amused expression to see who 
was attacking him.  With his free hand he removed the ax from his back 
and chucked it aside.  His leg morphed into more tentacles, which 
grabbed Bicycle Repair Lad out of his chair and tossed him right across 
the hallway.  "No.  No, Bicycle Repair Lad.  You can watch.  But you 
can't participate."  The Ultimate Savior turned back his attention to 
Ripping Dancer who was still struggling for breath.  "Now.  Where were we?"

The Ultimate Savior softly stroked one of Ripping Dancer's cheeks. 
"Your face is very pretty.  But it's a lie, isn't it?  Don't worry.  I 
like lies.  If you're afraid I'm going to kill you, don't be.  I'm not 
allowed to that.  But that still leaves quite a few options.  I guess 
the part of you that isn't gasping for air is probably wondering what 
horrible and nasty things I'm going to do to you, right?  But don't 
worry.  All those horrible and nasty things you're imagining?  I'm not 
going to do those.  I like to be original.  I'm going to do horrible and 
nasty things that no one has ever performed on the human body.  Now, 
let's see here.  Where shall I begin?"

Before the Ultimate Savior could think about his first horrible and 
nasty act, a huge exploding burst smacked him in the back throwing him 
to the floor knocking Ripping Dancer out of his grip.  He turned around 
to see what had happened and standing behind him was Irony Man holding 
RobGoblin's BIGGUN.  Irony Man took another blast at the Ultimate 
Savior's head and tossed the gun aside and started to beat the RobGoblin 
repeatedly with his metal fists.

"Sorry, Ultimate Savior.  Someone seems to be controlling my armor. 
Can't help myself," he said as he punched and kicked the bewildered 
Ultimate Savior.  "Wow, this guy controlling my armor must really hate 
you.  Sorry."

Irony Man picked the Ultimate Savior's body that was starting to morph 
into something that could hurt Irony Man and slammed him a few times 
against the wall.  Tentacles started to shoot out of the Ultimate 
Savior's body.  Irony Man's hands started to crackle with Irony Energy. 
  He focused his hands straight at the Ultimate Savior's head and 
blasted with maximum energy.  The Ultimate Savior's brain started to 
liquefy.  Unable to keep taking the punishment that Irony Man was giving 
him the Ultimate Savior morphed into a quivering blob.

Ripping Dancer coughing to herself got quickly over to where Bicycle 
Repair Lad was to help him back into his wheelchair.  She turned around 
and saw Irony Man standing behind her.

"Well, guess you two better go.  This person who's controlling my armor 
can't control it forever.  So, better go."

"Umm -- right," Ripping Dancer said as she quickly moved Bicycle Repair 
Lad towards an exit.

Irony Man looked at the two of them and said softly to himself with a 
sadness in his eyes, "Good luck."  He then turned around to check on the 
Ultimate Savior's condition.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Ripping Dancer continued to cough as she pushed Bicycle Repair Lad's 

"You all right?" said Bicycle Repair Lad looking behind him.

"Yes.  Just a bit winded."  The two of them were outside the prison and 
Ripping Dancer wondered where to go next.  All of her team was still 
inside.  She had to get rid of Bicycle Repair Lad.  And then a thought 
occurred to her.  She took one of the earrings off her ear and she 
placed it on one of Bicycle Repair Lad's ears.  "Hold still for a..."

"Owwwww!!!!  What the bloody...?"

"Hush!  It's a teleportation device that Dr. Stomper created.  It will 
take you to a safe spot.  Just push the red button."  She showed him the 
one on her own ear.

"Okay.  Could warn me next time though.  That really hurt."

"Just push the button."  And when Bicycle Repair Lad did he completely 

She should go with him.  To the safe place.  Her mission was done here, 
wasn't it?  No it wasn't.  She couldn't leave her team in that prison. 
She couldn't leave Thread Bear.  She had to free them all.  She couldn't 
keep betraying teams.  No.

But how?  She had to think this through.  A thought popped into her head 
as she walked along the road near the prison.  As she was thinking it, a 
truck slowed near her.

"Need a lift, Hot Mama?"

Who the hell was this jerk?  She wasn't in the mood to deal -- wait! 
This guy looked familiar!  "Don't I know you?  Yes!  That's right! 
Aren't you Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law?"

"The one and only," said Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law.  "Do I know you?"

"We're both on the LNV.  Look.  I'm on an important mission.  I need to 
get to a liquor store.  Can you help?"

"Sure thing, Sweetness.  Got one in mind?"

"Whichever one's closest."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Paul Tremens hands trembled as he lay on the bed in his prison cell. 
Being sober sucked.  Boy did it suck.

He placed both of his hands together and started to pray.  God.  Please. 
  I need a beer.  Just one beer.  I can't connect to the Zone.  That 
happy place that makes everything all right.  I know we've had our 
differences, God.  But please.  Just give me another chance.  One more 
beer.  I'll become a priest.  Honest.  Just one more beer.

He waited a bit to see if a beer would magically appear in his hand. 
But nothing.

Hell, this wasn't working.

Maybe he should try Satan.

How about it, Satan?

He noticed a crack start to appear on his prison cell door.  The Door 
was starting to shake.  The door ripped right out of the cell and in 
walked the Ripping Dancer holding a six-pack in her right hand.

"You know what time it is?" she said as she tossed him the six-pack of beer.

"Time?  Hell, yeah.  I know what Time it is!" Paul said popping the lids 
off of all six cans.  Thanks, Satan!

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"You let them escape.  I should kill you," said the Ultimate Savior 
glowering at Irony Man.

"Considering how badly I kicked your ass an hour ago -- I can't say I'm 
too worried.  You wouldn't want to kill me though.  That would be bad 
for the whole Hexfire Club.  I've got videos and documents scattered 
across the globe and people who will expose those videos and documents 
if I should have some unforeseen accident.  If I go the HexFire Club 
goes with me.  Hex knows this.  No.  Hex needs me more than he needs 
you.  You should remember that.  And like I said, someone was 
controlling my armor."

"This isn't over, Irony Man.  And you'll still have to explain your 
failure to President Luthor."

"Failure?  Well, we've got three villains in lockup.  I'm sure Hex will 
understand.  What is that sound?"  Irony Man looked around the room and 
towards the door.  "Something outside?  Dogs yapping.  Small dogs?" 
Irony Man went over to the door to investigate the noise.

As soon as he opened the door, hundreds of madly speeding Weiner 
National Weiner Dogs swarmed the entire room racing up and down the 
walls and ceiling.  Irony Man and the Ultimate Savior tried in vain to 
swat them down.

"Hell," Irony Man said shaking his head.  "The Chuggernaut's free!" 
This wasn't his day, Irony Man thought to himself.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

A Day Later...

"So," said Mynabird as he mulled over the group of Supervillains that 
were in front of him, "What exactly did happen?  Besides RobGoblin 
having to where a full-body cast?"

"They were prepared for us," spoke up Thread Bear.  "They knew we were 
coming and had a team of heroes with powers that were specialized to 
take us down.  If it weren't for Ripping Dancer and Color Error Man's 
Brother-In-Law, we'd still be there.  There's a mole in the Legion of 
Net.Villains.  And he must have exposed our plan to the LNH."

"Or she," said Mynabird glaring at Ripping Dancer.  "Quite a bit of 
fortune for you to escape the prison when the others couldn't.  Very 

"She's not the mole, Mynabird," said Vector Sublime.  "When I was 
scanning through the Prison Computer System, I browsed through the phone 
files and noticed some calls between the LNH and the LNV.  The LNV calls 
traced back to a cell phone.  Rumor Monger's cell phone!"

"What?  Moi?" said Rumor Monger with a shocked look on his face.  "Why 
would I possibly -- I mean -- look at her," he said pointing at Vector 
Sublime.  "Isn't it obvious she's the traitor -- isn't it... ummm."  He 
scanned the room for any visible signs of support and just saw a bunch 
of angry faces.  "Oh hell -- so long suckers!"  He clicked a button on 
his watch and flashed away from the room.

"Find him!" shouted Mynabird.  "I want him!  Now!"

"Chances are he's across the world or in another dimension by now," said 
Vector Sublime.

"I don't care.  He will pay for this treachery!"  Mynabird slammed his 
fist on his hand.

"We still have other issues to discuss," said Vector Sublime.

"Oh, very well.  Did we gain anything from this debacle?  Where's 
Bicycle Repair Lad?"

"We couldn't find him," said Ripping Dancer as she spoke up.  "It's 
possible he wasn't even in that prison."

"Did we get anything?"

"Well, we did get a number of dangerous terrorists."  Vector Sublime 
pointed towards the corner of the room at a number of Arabic individuals 
that were shouting, "Death to America!  Death to Israel!"

"And of course this hunk of loving."  Vector Sublime walked over and put 
her arm around some guy in a leather jacket.

"And he is?"

"The Doctor.  A Doctor of Virus Loving, Mr. M," said the leather 
jacketed man.  "But you can call me, Doctor Virus Love!"

"That's nice, but why should I care?"

"Cuz, I've got the cure for what ails this planet.  You see, I don't 
just love viruses -- I also make them!  Any kind I want!  And right here 
in my pocket..."  Dr. Virus Love pulled a little potion bottle out of 
his pocket and held it up for everyone to see, "I've got the virus that 
will change everything.  Make us all Masters of the World."

"Really?  That's a big promise.  Why should I trust you?  Why were you 
at that prison?"

"I was a member of the LNH.  Had one of those Freedom Chips in my head, 
but my Baby here..."  He gave a wink to Vector Sublime.  "She freed from 
its cage.  And made me realize I was on the wrong side.  Made me realize 
that if I want to shape the world to the way it should be, I need to 
work with you, Mr. M."

"What's he talking about?" Mynabird said looking at Vector Sublime.

"Oh, don't worry.  He's not free.  I reprogrammed the Freedom Chip to 
make him my slave."  Vector Sublime stroked Dr. Virus Love's hair with 
her finger.  "He just thinks he's free.  But he's right, Mynabird. 
You'll need his help.  He has the virus that will make us Masters of the 

"But will it help me destroy Easily-Discovered Man Lite?" said a 
skeptical Mynabird.

"Well, sure.  That goes without saying, Mr. M."  Dr. Virus Love gave 
Mynabird a thumbs-up.

"Very, well.  Tell me more.  But let's talk in my private quarters," 
said Mynabird escorting Vector Sublime and Dr. Virus Love.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part II

More information about the racc mailing list