LNH: Beige Midnight #2: Imperium Hex Part II: 'The Dungeons of Freedom...!' (2/3)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Aug 11 17:53:44 PDT 2008
Beginning of Part II
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Dude. Need to get up."
The Robgoblin saw some bright shiny figure walking towards him. It was
some man that wore a baseball cap backwards, 501 blue style jeans, and a
shirt that said, 'Youngblood Lives!'
"You're the -- Rob!" said an astonished RobGoblin. "Am I dead?"
"No. Just got your ass kicked by some geek with a book."
"Can't move! None of my body parts work! I'm a monstrosity!"
"No, dude. You're kick ass. You're Kewl! Every Fanboy loves you!"
"You know what your problem is? You're thinking! You need to stop
thinking! Be awesome!"
"I'm not sure I can -- be awesome? I have seen too much!"
"Because you're thinking! You can't be awesome and think at the same
time! It's just not possible! You know what would happen if I thought
about stuff? If I thought about everything people said about me? Like
for instance -- Your comics suck, Why don't you take art lessons, You
plagiarized this, You're late again, You're fired, Where are my
royalties, Your company is bankrupt, Why can't you draw feet, and a
bunch of other stupid stuff. You know what would happen if I thought
about all of that stuff? You know?"
"I don't know. Because -- I don't think about it! I just scribble some
stuff on a page and hand it in -- and some how it becomes a Comic Book!
And people pay me money for that. Lots of money! So I can sit in a
mansion and be awesome. That's the secret to happiness. Stop Thinking
-- Be Awesome! It's that simple! And anyone can do it!"
"No. There is no try. There is Be Awesome. Or Not Be Awesome. There
is no try. Clear your mind, RobGoblin. Clear it! Let only Awesomeness
be in your mind!"
Extreme Constipation overtook the RobGoblin's face as he cleared his
mind leaving only Awesomeness in it.
Six Splash pages showed the RobGoblin slowly get up from the floor and
finally in a big six-page centerfold spread showing the RobGoblin in all
of this glory (except for his feet) holding his BIGGUN TM up proudly
with a dialogue balloon out of his mouth that said simply, "I AM
"Now go kick that book worm's ass," said The Rob as he slowly faded away
from our mortal realm.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Hey, DorkWad!! Catch!!"
Anatomy Lesson Lad turned around just in time to catch some object that
had been thrown at him. It was some kind of very crosshatched badly
drawn red sphere. One of RobGoblin's BludKins! Before he could throw
it back, it exploded. Anatomy Lesson Lad could feel his whole body
start to change. No! Not this, he thought as he looked at his whole
body swelling. Anatomy Lesson Lad collapsed to the ground. He tried to
move, but he couldn't. No one could move drawn like this. Humans
weren't meant to look like this!
And to fully articulate his terror, he tried in vain to perform
different horrified facial expressions. But he could only seem to do one...
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"I guess it's pretty horrible the first time you hear the music. I mean
it wasn't that bad for me, but most of my life has been horrible so I
was pretty much used to it," said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass as she
watched Ripping Dancer convulse on the floor.
"Cancer! Got Cancer! Going to die! Everything -- done -- Wrong! Why?
Why all this? Failure. Choices wrong. No. Going to lose. Failure.
Darkness. Cold. Nothing. Nothing. Going to lose," said Ripping
Dancer to herself as all the horrible memories she had ever had flooded
"We all lose, Ripping Dancer. You know something funny? How I got my
powers? It was my parents. They put one of those Freedom Chips in my
head. Can't blame them though. Guess I deserved it. Was always
depressed. Hating life. Was into cutting myself. Trying to make the
pain go away. Tried all of those antidepressant drugs. Didn't work.
And I made two attempts to kill myself. Sadly both failed. I guess
after the second one my parents were desperate for anything. And so
they took me to a place that puts Freedom Chips into people. Had to
watch all these videos afterwards. Videos where Irony Man told me to
not do things. Don't cut myself. Don't kill myself. Don't do drugs.
Don't have premarital sex. That sort of thing. And it worked. After
watching those videos -- I didn't want to do those things. I just
wanted to obey the voice of Irony Man and do whatever he said."
"What -- what's funny...?"
"What's funny? I guess what's funny is that everyone knows what the
Freedom Chips do and they don't care. My parents and everyone else.
They know about Hex Luthor's secret prisons and chips that control
people and his raping of the Constitution and they don't care. They
just want to be safe and for their children to be safe. And if they
lose some rights -- oh well. I'm not quite sure what you and your
terrorist friends are trying to accomplish here, but it's not going to
work. The people don't want you to save them -- they want Hex Luthor to
save them. There is no hope, Ripping Dancer."
"Nope. No Hope. No thread of hope. There are no heroes. Just corrupt
people and people hoping to be corrupted. The Freedom Chip is the
future, Ripping Dancer. There is no hope. Let go of it, Ripping
Dancer. You'll feel much better."
Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass nodded her head. "Yes. No thread. No
thread of hope at all."
"No. See thread. Cold-Blackness -- a thread. Shiny thread of light.
Can see it. Yes. Thread. Thread Bear. There is -- Thread Bear," said
Ripping Dancer as she slowly started to get up.
"Thread Bear? What does that mean?" said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass
puzzling over Ripping Dancer's bizarre words.
"Where there is Thread Bear -- there is hope." Ripping Dancer stood up.
"And I don't need to dance to defeat you," she said socking
Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass out cold with her fist.
Ripping Dancer then ejected the CD out of the Boom Box and smashed it
against the wall. She clicked on the radio part of the boom box and
turned the knob looking for some music. Music that she could dance to.
Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' started to play. Ripping Dancer
cranked the volume to the highest level.
"I'm going rip this whole damn place apart," she said as she started
dancing down the hallway.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The RobGoblin glided around the prison for a bit when he spotted Ripping
Dancer down one of the hallways.
"Hey, Dancer! Found that Bicycle DorkWad yet?"
"Oh hi! Haven't had any luck. Mostly been fighting those LNH'rs. Why
don't we take a break? That BIGGUN TM you're holding looks really heavy."
"Heavy? Nah! But if you want to take a break -- sure, we can do that."
"Why don't you just put that BIGGUN of yours down and sit right here
next to me?" Ripping Dancer said with a rather seductive look on her face.
What was going on here, thought the RobGoblin? Was she coming on to
him? This didn't make any sense. No! Stop thinking! Be Awesome! Be
Awesome! Yes!! I am Awesome!!
"Those muscles of yours are so big -- mind if I touch them?"
"Well, sure -- if you want to. I lift weights like every day."
"Amazing," she said as her hand slid along the RobGoblin's chest and up
towards his neck. As her hand got closer to his neck it started to
"You know, now that I think about it -- you are rather ugly, aren't
you?" The hand grabbed the RobGoblin's neck and began to squeeze very
tightly. The RobGoblin tried to remove the hand from his throat, but it
was too strong. He looked to see who was attempting to choke him to
death and noticed that Ripping Dancer's face had changed. She was now
the Ultimate Savior.
The Ultimate Savior lifted the RobGoblin up in the air by his throat.
"Well. What am I going to do with you? I can kill you. I'm allowed
that much. But will I? Maybe. Maybe later. Have to deal with the
rest of your team. But I can't have you running around. So I'm going
to break your arms and legs." The Ultimate Savior smiled a sadistic
smile. "This is going to hurt."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ripping Dancer paused as she was opening another one of the prison
cells. Was that a screaming? Sounded a bit like the RobGoblin. Oh
well. She had to find Bicycle Repair Lad quickly before more LNH'rs
Another empty cell. Maybe he wasn't even here in this prison. Just got
to keep trying.
Let's try -- this one, she thought opening another door. And inside the
cell was a man strapped to a bed. A TV in the upper corner wall was
playing a Hex Luthor speech.
"Bicycle Repair Lad? Is that you?"
"Who? Who's there?"
"It's me, Ripping Dancer. Well, I'm not sure if we actually met. I'm
LNH though. Well, was. Look. I'm here to break you out of here. But
there are some things I need to tell you first. You need to remember
this. First -- I'm your girlfriend. And second -- Easily-Discovered
Man Lite put you in this prison. If anyone asks you questions."
"What? What are you -- it was Hex Luthor that put me in here!"
"I know that. But if anyone asks -- it was Easily-Discovered Man Lite
who put you in here! Just trust me! And oh -- I'm working for the
Legion of Net.Villains now, but not really."
Bicycle Repair Lad blinked his eyes. "Are you raving mad?"
"No. Look. I can't explain all of this right now. Let's just get you
out of here!"
"Can't walk! Legs have atrophied!"
"Hmm. Wait. Let me think. Oh! There's a wheelchair over there --
let's use that!" Ripping Dancer dragged Bicycle Repair Lad out of his
bed and helped him onto the wheelchair.
As Ripping Dancer pushed Bicycle Repair Lad out of the room she spotted
Thread Bear coming down the hallway. "Thread Bear! Over here!"
Thread Bear started to walk towards them. "Found him, I see. That's good."
"Yeah. Have you seen the others? I could have sworn I heard RobGoblin
Thread Bear shook his head. "No. RobGoblin's fine. Hmm. There's
something on your neck." Thread Bear's hand reached toward Ripping
Ripping Dancer giggled slightly as Thread Bear's furry paw gloves
tickled her neck. And then Thread Bear's paw started to grip her throat
very tightly. "What -- What are you *urk*!!"
"No. Not Thread Bear after all." Thread Bear's face morphed into the
Ultimate Savior's face. A number of tentacles shot out of his arm and
wrapped themselves around Ripping Dancer to prevent her from making any
dance movements. "Not the Savior either. Had so many names and faces
over the years. Do you want to know my real one? Hmm. On second
thought, let's make it a game. How's that sound? I'm going to do
horrible and nasty things to you and if you can guess my real name --
I'll stop doing them to you. Sound like a fun game?"
Bicycle Repair Lad backed slightly way from the two of them and scanned
the hallway for some type of a weapon. Next to a fire extinguisher was
a fire ax. He quickly wheeled over there and broke the glass and got
the ax. And then holding the ax with one hand and wheeling himself
madly with the other he charged towards the Ultimate Savior and hacked
his back with the ax. "Die!!" Bicycle Repair Lad screamed.
The Ultimate Savior turned around with an amused expression to see who
was attacking him. With his free hand he removed the ax from his back
and chucked it aside. His leg morphed into more tentacles, which
grabbed Bicycle Repair Lad out of his chair and tossed him right across
the hallway. "No. No, Bicycle Repair Lad. You can watch. But you
can't participate." The Ultimate Savior turned back his attention to
Ripping Dancer who was still struggling for breath. "Now. Where were we?"
The Ultimate Savior softly stroked one of Ripping Dancer's cheeks.
"Your face is very pretty. But it's a lie, isn't it? Don't worry. I
like lies. If you're afraid I'm going to kill you, don't be. I'm not
allowed to that. But that still leaves quite a few options. I guess
the part of you that isn't gasping for air is probably wondering what
horrible and nasty things I'm going to do to you, right? But don't
worry. All those horrible and nasty things you're imagining? I'm not
going to do those. I like to be original. I'm going to do horrible and
nasty things that no one has ever performed on the human body. Now,
let's see here. Where shall I begin?"
Before the Ultimate Savior could think about his first horrible and
nasty act, a huge exploding burst smacked him in the back throwing him
to the floor knocking Ripping Dancer out of his grip. He turned around
to see what had happened and standing behind him was Irony Man holding
RobGoblin's BIGGUN. Irony Man took another blast at the Ultimate
Savior's head and tossed the gun aside and started to beat the RobGoblin
repeatedly with his metal fists.
"Sorry, Ultimate Savior. Someone seems to be controlling my armor.
Can't help myself," he said as he punched and kicked the bewildered
Ultimate Savior. "Wow, this guy controlling my armor must really hate
Irony Man picked the Ultimate Savior's body that was starting to morph
into something that could hurt Irony Man and slammed him a few times
against the wall. Tentacles started to shoot out of the Ultimate
Savior's body. Irony Man's hands started to crackle with Irony Energy.
He focused his hands straight at the Ultimate Savior's head and
blasted with maximum energy. The Ultimate Savior's brain started to
liquefy. Unable to keep taking the punishment that Irony Man was giving
him the Ultimate Savior morphed into a quivering blob.
Ripping Dancer coughing to herself got quickly over to where Bicycle
Repair Lad was to help him back into his wheelchair. She turned around
and saw Irony Man standing behind her.
"Well, guess you two better go. This person who's controlling my armor
can't control it forever. So, better go."
"Umm -- right," Ripping Dancer said as she quickly moved Bicycle Repair
Lad towards an exit.
Irony Man looked at the two of them and said softly to himself with a
sadness in his eyes, "Good luck." He then turned around to check on the
Ultimate Savior's condition.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ripping Dancer continued to cough as she pushed Bicycle Repair Lad's
"You all right?" said Bicycle Repair Lad looking behind him.
"Yes. Just a bit winded." The two of them were outside the prison and
Ripping Dancer wondered where to go next. All of her team was still
inside. She had to get rid of Bicycle Repair Lad. And then a thought
occurred to her. She took one of the earrings off her ear and she
placed it on one of Bicycle Repair Lad's ears. "Hold still for a..."
"Owwwww!!!! What the bloody...?"
"Hush! It's a teleportation device that Dr. Stomper created. It will
take you to a safe spot. Just push the red button." She showed him the
one on her own ear.
"Okay. Could warn me next time though. That really hurt."
"Just push the button." And when Bicycle Repair Lad did he completely
She should go with him. To the safe place. Her mission was done here,
wasn't it? No it wasn't. She couldn't leave her team in that prison.
She couldn't leave Thread Bear. She had to free them all. She couldn't
keep betraying teams. No.
But how? She had to think this through. A thought popped into her head
as she walked along the road near the prison. As she was thinking it, a
truck slowed near her.
"Need a lift, Hot Mama?"
Who the hell was this jerk? She wasn't in the mood to deal -- wait!
This guy looked familiar! "Don't I know you? Yes! That's right!
Aren't you Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law?"
"The one and only," said Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law. "Do I know you?"
"We're both on the LNV. Look. I'm on an important mission. I need to
get to a liquor store. Can you help?"
"Sure thing, Sweetness. Got one in mind?"
"Whichever one's closest."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Paul Tremens hands trembled as he lay on the bed in his prison cell.
Being sober sucked. Boy did it suck.
He placed both of his hands together and started to pray. God. Please.
I need a beer. Just one beer. I can't connect to the Zone. That
happy place that makes everything all right. I know we've had our
differences, God. But please. Just give me another chance. One more
beer. I'll become a priest. Honest. Just one more beer.
He waited a bit to see if a beer would magically appear in his hand.
Hell, this wasn't working.
Maybe he should try Satan.
How about it, Satan?
He noticed a crack start to appear on his prison cell door. The Door
was starting to shake. The door ripped right out of the cell and in
walked the Ripping Dancer holding a six-pack in her right hand.
"You know what time it is?" she said as she tossed him the six-pack of beer.
"Time? Hell, yeah. I know what Time it is!" Paul said popping the lids
off of all six cans. Thanks, Satan!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"You let them escape. I should kill you," said the Ultimate Savior
glowering at Irony Man.
"Considering how badly I kicked your ass an hour ago -- I can't say I'm
too worried. You wouldn't want to kill me though. That would be bad
for the whole Hexfire Club. I've got videos and documents scattered
across the globe and people who will expose those videos and documents
if I should have some unforeseen accident. If I go the HexFire Club
goes with me. Hex knows this. No. Hex needs me more than he needs
you. You should remember that. And like I said, someone was
controlling my armor."
"This isn't over, Irony Man. And you'll still have to explain your
failure to President Luthor."
"Failure? Well, we've got three villains in lockup. I'm sure Hex will
understand. What is that sound?" Irony Man looked around the room and
towards the door. "Something outside? Dogs yapping. Small dogs?"
Irony Man went over to the door to investigate the noise.
As soon as he opened the door, hundreds of madly speeding Weiner
National Weiner Dogs swarmed the entire room racing up and down the
walls and ceiling. Irony Man and the Ultimate Savior tried in vain to
swat them down.
"Hell," Irony Man said shaking his head. "The Chuggernaut's free!"
This wasn't his day, Irony Man thought to himself.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A Day Later...
"So," said Mynabird as he mulled over the group of Supervillains that
were in front of him, "What exactly did happen? Besides RobGoblin
having to where a full-body cast?"
"They were prepared for us," spoke up Thread Bear. "They knew we were
coming and had a team of heroes with powers that were specialized to
take us down. If it weren't for Ripping Dancer and Color Error Man's
Brother-In-Law, we'd still be there. There's a mole in the Legion of
Net.Villains. And he must have exposed our plan to the LNH."
"Or she," said Mynabird glaring at Ripping Dancer. "Quite a bit of
fortune for you to escape the prison when the others couldn't. Very
"She's not the mole, Mynabird," said Vector Sublime. "When I was
scanning through the Prison Computer System, I browsed through the phone
files and noticed some calls between the LNH and the LNV. The LNV calls
traced back to a cell phone. Rumor Monger's cell phone!"
"What? Moi?" said Rumor Monger with a shocked look on his face. "Why
would I possibly -- I mean -- look at her," he said pointing at Vector
Sublime. "Isn't it obvious she's the traitor -- isn't it... ummm." He
scanned the room for any visible signs of support and just saw a bunch
of angry faces. "Oh hell -- so long suckers!" He clicked a button on
his watch and flashed away from the room.
"Find him!" shouted Mynabird. "I want him! Now!"
"Chances are he's across the world or in another dimension by now," said
"I don't care. He will pay for this treachery!" Mynabird slammed his
fist on his hand.
"We still have other issues to discuss," said Vector Sublime.
"Oh, very well. Did we gain anything from this debacle? Where's
Bicycle Repair Lad?"
"We couldn't find him," said Ripping Dancer as she spoke up. "It's
possible he wasn't even in that prison."
"Did we get anything?"
"Well, we did get a number of dangerous terrorists." Vector Sublime
pointed towards the corner of the room at a number of Arabic individuals
that were shouting, "Death to America! Death to Israel!"
"And of course this hunk of loving." Vector Sublime walked over and put
her arm around some guy in a leather jacket.
"And he is?"
"The Doctor. A Doctor of Virus Loving, Mr. M," said the leather
jacketed man. "But you can call me, Doctor Virus Love!"
"That's nice, but why should I care?"
"Cuz, I've got the cure for what ails this planet. You see, I don't
just love viruses -- I also make them! Any kind I want! And right here
in my pocket..." Dr. Virus Love pulled a little potion bottle out of
his pocket and held it up for everyone to see, "I've got the virus that
will change everything. Make us all Masters of the World."
"Really? That's a big promise. Why should I trust you? Why were you
at that prison?"
"I was a member of the LNH. Had one of those Freedom Chips in my head,
but my Baby here..." He gave a wink to Vector Sublime. "She freed from
its cage. And made me realize I was on the wrong side. Made me realize
that if I want to shape the world to the way it should be, I need to
work with you, Mr. M."
"What's he talking about?" Mynabird said looking at Vector Sublime.
"Oh, don't worry. He's not free. I reprogrammed the Freedom Chip to
make him my slave." Vector Sublime stroked Dr. Virus Love's hair with
her finger. "He just thinks he's free. But he's right, Mynabird.
You'll need his help. He has the virus that will make us Masters of the
"But will it help me destroy Easily-Discovered Man Lite?" said a
"Well, sure. That goes without saying, Mr. M." Dr. Virus Love gave
Mynabird a thumbs-up.
"Very, well. Tell me more. But let's talk in my private quarters,"
said Mynabird escorting Vector Sublime and Dr. Virus Love.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part II
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