LNH: Beige Midnight #1: Imperium Hex Part I: 'The Bigger They Are...' (3/3)

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sat Aug 2 13:40:57 PDT 2008

Beginning of Part III

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Yes.  And thank you again.  Of course.  The reward money will go to the 
usual account.  Keep me informed of any new developments.  Of course. 
And thank you concerned citizen."  Hex Luthor hung up the white house phone.

"That was an informant I have working for the LNV.  It appears that the 
LNV is planning on breaking out Bicycle Repair Lad.  Bicycle Repair 
Lad."  Hex thought about that for a moment.  "Bicycle Repair Lad.  Why 
him?  Why would the LNV want him?  It doesn't make any sense.  He's 
totally useless.  Am I missing something?  What am I missing?  Toony?"

"Do you want me to set up a team to stop them?" said Irony Man.

"Yes.  Do that.  Fill it with nothing but Freedom Chip Heroes.  And 
bring the Ultimate Savior with you."

"Is that really necessary?  I don't trust him.  There's something wrong 
about him."

"I don't care.  He'll be on your team.  I want you to make sure that 
Bicycle Repair Lad doesn't escape, but I want him alive.  And try to 
capture Ripping Dancer alive.  The rest?  Well, they don't matter.  Dead 
or captured.  We need to send Mynabird a message that we won't tolerate 
this type of action."

"Ripping Dancer's with them?" said Irony Man with a shocked look.

"Yes.  That won't be a problem, will it?"

"No."  Irony Man shook his head.

"Good.  And now I wanted to talk to you about your old teammate 
Continuity Champ..."

Before the two of them could do that though a flash of light interrupted 
them.  Out of the flash emerged the timetraveler known as Charlie Hustle.

"This is wrong.  This timeline.  It shouldn't be like this!  Something 
has changed!  It's no good!"

"Ah.  Mr. Hustle.  What an unexpected surprise.  You should have told me 
you were coming.  I would have made arrangements to set up a proper 
meeting.  You already know Irony Man of course.  Something troubling you?"

"It's all wrong!  Don't you know?  This!  The Ultimate Ninja shouldn't 
be leading the LNH at this stage!  Irony Man or Fearless Leader -- they 
should be leading!  Not the Ultimate Ninja!!"

"He's not.  It's a duplicate of the Ultimate Ninja that is totally under 
my control.  Why did you come here, Hustle?"

"A duplicate?  Then where's the real ninja?"

"He's -- He was being imprisoned.  But he escaped.  I don't know where 
he's at.  But don't worry about it.  It's under control.  He won't be a 

"You don't know where the Ultimate Ninja is at?  It's all going wrong. 
Where did I make my mistake?  Must think.  Got to get away from here. 
Everything's going to die.  Gotta go to the past.  Maybe there's still 
time.  Got to go to..."  Charlie Hustle flashed away from the room.

"Umm, Hex?  Shouldn't we be concerned by that?  What just happened?"

"It's nothing, Toony.  Hustle must have picked up some time traveling 
disease, which has made him go crazy.  That happens all the time.  What 
he was talking about made no sense.  Why would he want Fearless Leader 
in charge?  It's -- it's nonsense.  Don't listen to..."

"Don't listen?  Don't listen?  Charlie Hustle is the reason I made this 
devil's bargain with you!  And now I'm not supposed to listen to him?! 
God.  He's right.  It's all going wrong.  What am I doing here?"

"It wasn't just Hustle!  It was your own future self who told you this 
was necessary!  Are you going to ignore your own future self?!  You 
can't back out of this Toony!  You're too far in.  You've got to keep 
going!  Hustle's wrong!  I've got an ace in the hole, Toony!  Something 
no one knows about!  I can't lose!  We can't lose!"

"An ace is the hole?  What is it, Hex?  What is this goddamn deus ex 
machina you have?"

"I -- I can't say, Toony.  I can't discuss it.  You'll have to believe 
me though.  I still need your help, Toony.  Continuity Champ.  I need to 
know where he is."

"Continuity Champ?  He's retired.  I don't know where he is.  He doesn't 
have powers anymore.  Why do you want him?"

"You have to find him, Toony!  He's necessary in my plan to save the 
world!  You have to find him!  We can still save the world, Toony!  We can!"

"I'll see what I can do.  I'm not going to make any promises, Hex.  But 
I'll let you know."  Irony Man started to walk out of the Oval Office.

"Good.  Toony.  We will save the world.  We will."

Irony Man looked back at Hex and didn't say anything.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"You don't really trust her, do you?"

Mynabird turned his head around to see who was speaking to him.  "I 
don't trust anyone, Romantic Innuendo.  But even if she's lying what's 
the worse that could happen?  We'll still be breaking out a prison 
filled with wrongly imprisoned people who I'm sure will be ever so 
grateful to us for that."

"It could be a trap."

"Everything could be a trap.  Besides, it's not like I'll be going 
along.  You're jealous, aren't you?"

"Jealous?  Of her?  Don't make me laugh.  I could make every man and 
woman in this world my love slave if I wanted too.  I'm just concerned 
that you're being manipulated by a pretty face."

"No.  There was only one woman that I could and have ever loved."

"Aww -- That's so sweet.  But back to Ripping Dancer -- there are ways 
to make her more loyal."

"How -- no wait.  I know what you're getting at.  It's an interesting 
idea.  But who would you make her fall in love with?  It couldn't be me 
-- I have no time for some moon-eyed girl.  But someone loyal to me? 
Yes.  That could work."

"I already have the perfect person in mind," Romantic Innuendo said with 
a mischievous smile.  "Do I have your permission?"

Mynabird leaned back in his chair and pondered the notion for a bit. 
And finally he said, "Yes.  Do it."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"Obscure Trivia Lad!  Glad I could find you!  Got a question for you," 
said an out of breath Occultism Kid running towards Obscure Trivia Lad's 

"Oh, hello, Occultism Kid.  Obscure Trivia Lad was just kicking back in 
his room thinking about how the brightly colored leheria turbans were 
male business attire in Rajasthan, India during the 19th and early 20th 
centuries.  What question would you like Obscure Trivia Lad to answer?"

"Uhh -- right.  Look -- back in the 90s you were kind of Continuity 
Champ's sidekick, right?"

Obscure Trivia Lad nodded his head.  "That would be true."

"So the thing is -- well, I need to find the Cosmic Plot Device -- or at 
least a fragment or two.  The LNH computers don't really have much info 
on it.  The last mention of it was slightly after Cry.Sig.  Some battle 
Continuity Champ had with Dr. Killfile.  So what I want to ask is, did 
Continuity Champ ever discuss with you the aftermath of the battle. 
What ever happened to the Cosmic Plot Device pieces?"

Obscure Trivia Lad nodded.  "Occultism Kid, could you shut Obscure 
Trivia Lad's door?"

"Umm, sure."  Occultism Kid closed the door behind him.

"Obscure Trivia Lad knows where one of the Cosmic Plot Device fragments 
is.  Here.  Right here."  Obscure Trivia Lad pointed towards his chest. 
  His liquid metal body started to open his chest up.  Occultism Kid 
could see it.  A fragment of the Cosmic Plot Device.

"Lord.  You've had it all this time?"

Obscure Trivia Lad nodded.  "It anchors Obscure Trivia Lad's soul to his 
artificial body.  Without it Obscure Trivia Lad would be dead."

"I see.  And only Continuity Champs knows about this?"

"Killfile knows.  He was the one who created Obscure Trivia Lad's body."

"Interesting.  I wonder why he never bothered to retrieve it.  Amazing. 
  No one's been able to detect it for all these years?  I wasn't even 
able to.  There must be something about the material your body is made 
out of that obscures detection.  Incredible.  Look, Obscure Trivia Lad, 
I need to cast a spell on it -- see if I can locate the other fragments 
-- Is that all right?"

"Obscure Trivia Lad gives you permission."

Occultism Kid made a few gestures and chanted a few ancient verses and 
focused his mind on the exposed fragment.  "I'm in a place.  A familiar 
place.  Where have I seen this place before?  Must go outside.  Outside 
the walls.  Into the sky.  Oh no.  Oh God.  Not here.  This isn't good. 
  Bad.  Very bad.  This is very bad."  Occultism Kid broke off his link.

"Did you find the other parts?"

"Yes.  Look.  I don't want you to tell anyone else about the fragment. 
No one.  And keep it hidden within you.  I've got to go."  Occultism 
quickly rushed out of Obscure Trivia Lad's room.

As he sped into the hallway he bumped into Irony Man.

"Whoah!  In a hurry Occultism Kid?"

"Yes.  Sorry."  Occultism Kid was about to rush away when a thought 
occurred to him.  Why was Irony Man walking down here?  What did he 
want?  "Umm -- Just out of curiosity -- umm -- where are you going?"

"Oh, just wanted to talk to Obscure Trivia Lad.  Wondered if he might 
know where Continuity Champ was these days."

Continuity Champ?  Irony Man and Hex Luthor were close.  This wasn't a 
coincidence.  He couldn't allow Irony Man to talk with Obscure Trivia 
Lad.  He had to handle this some way.  "Continuity Champ?  What a 
strange coincidence.  I was just asking Obscure Trivia Lad about him 
too.  But he doesn't know where he is.  But look -- the moment I find 
out where Continuity Champ is I'll be the first to tell you.  Okay?" 
Hopefully this would work.

"Umm -- sure.  Thanks.  Looks like you saved me some time.  Well, better 
get to that meeting then.  Thanks again, Occultism Kid."

Occultism Kid gave a sigh of relief.  Now the hard part.  Finding a way 
to get back the Cosmic Plot Device fragment from Hex Luthor.  Need to 
think of a plan.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

A few weeks later...

Fearless Leader lifted the eye patch from his left eye and glanced at 
the robotic parrot on his left shoulder and the cutlass in his right 
hand.  "This feels wrong, Gothic Gorilla.  Being dressed like a pirate. 
  Do we really have to do this like this?"

"*Ahem* you mean Godless Gorilla, don't you, Dr. Repeat Pirate.  And of 
course the disguises are completely necessary if we want to throw Hex 
Luthor off our trail."

"Shiver me timbers!" squawked Fearless Leader's robo-parrot.

"Yes. I know.  But the parrot?  Was that really necessary?"

"Well, are we ready to do this?" asked an impatient Knife Fight Dude 
dressed in a Pope Lizard-saurus costume ready with his Big Ass Knife.

"Let's walk the plank!" squawked Fearless Leader's robo-parrot.

"I've already teleported all life that was inside the plant off to a 
safe distance," replied the Gothic Gorilla.  "All we need to do now is 
get in there and place the explosives and..."  Before the Gothic Gorilla 
could continue with that sentence a large explosion rocked the entire area.

"God!  It's the factory!  Someone blew it up before we could!" said 
Captain Napalm dressed like Robert Duvall in a disappointed voice.

"But who?" Fearless Leader started to ask.  And then he heard several 
gun clicks from behind the bushes.

"Us.  Put up your hands LNH'rs!"

Fearless Leader turned around and saw a bunch of masked men with guns 
reveal themselves.

"The factory didn't have any Freedom Chips.  It was just filled with 
death traps for any heroes stupid enough to go into it.  And that's why 
we blew it up.  It would have made this damn Beige Midnight story longer 
and longer.  Me and my friends are the 
Front!'  We're here to end this Beige Midnight Story once and for all!"

"Death to Beige Midnight!" shouted the rest of the masked men.

"Look, citizen," said Fearless Leader trying to calm them down.  "Me and 
my fellow heroes in the LNH are doing our best to end this whole Beige 
Midnight event to the best of our abilities.  I just ask you to be more 
patient and..."

"Patient!?  The LNH is filled with tons of nearly omnipotent members 
that could snap their fingers and end this whole Beige Midnight 
travesty!  Do Deja Dude, Munchkin Man, and Opinionated Lad ring any bells?"

"I think Opinionated Lad might be on vacation.  And the other two -- I 
don't think they have the ability to stop this.  Look, citizen..."

"All we want is to go back to the way the LNH used to be!  Just because 
DC and Marvel are filled with these never-ending events -- doesn't mean 
the LNH has to do them also!  I mean when Infinite Leadership Crisis 
started I kind of liked it, but it didn't end.  It turned into Beige 
Countdown and 58.5.  And now Beige Midnight!  (Which was supposed to be 
over by April 29th!)  It just keeps going on and on and on!"

"I promise you citizen, that we will do our best to end this Beige 
Midnight event.  I promise.  Maybe we can get this whole thing stopped 
in say -- November?"

"November?  Very well.  We'll give you till November.  But if it's still 
going on there will be hell to pay!"

"Death to Beige Midnight!" shouted the 

"Death to Beige Midnight!" squawked Fearless Leader's robo-parrot.

"Oh, brother," sighed Fearless Leader.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

The curtains were down.  Darkness filled the room.  In the middle of a 
cheap skuzzy hotel room sat the Ultimate Ninja.  The Real One.  A 
blindfold covered his eyes.  He could hear a buzzing.  A fly buzzing around.

With a flash of his hand, he threw his Ginsu Katana at incredible 
speeds.  So fast in fact that there was a large sonic boom.  He heard 
two halves of the fly hit the carpet.

"Too slow.  Need to be quicker.  Coma left me weak.  Not Ultimate.  Need 
to be Ultimate.  But I will be.  Soon."

The ninja closed his hands in meditation.

"Then they all die."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Outside one of Hex Luthor's secret prisons...

A guard noticed something on the ground.  Some kind of string or thread. 
  He walked over to pick it up.  "Cool," he said to himself as he played 
with the thread.

"What you got?" asked the other guard.

"Nothing.  Just some thread I found on the ground."

"Let me look."

The guard with the thread dangled it in front of the other guard.  "Here 
see," he said in a taunting manner.

"Hah.  Funny.  You know what I meant.  I want to look at it in my hand. 
  Give it to me."

"No.  Get your own damn thread."

"I said give it to me.  Give me that thread!"

"Go to hell!"

"What did you say?  What did you say to me?!"  The threadless guard 
grabbed the guard's hand that held the thread.  The guard with the 
thread gave the attacking guard a hard push and the two fell down to the 
ground wrestling each other for the thread.

As they wrestled for the thread, three figures emerged from the shadows.

"Impressive," said Ripping Dancer who was dressed in a black jump suit 
-- a typical jewel thief type outfit.

"They don't call them the Threads of Conflict for nothing," said a big 
man in a bear suit wearing a belt and vest that was covered in spools of 
thread.  A supervillain called Thread Bear.

The third figure walked over to a computerized security access panel and 
held her hand over it.  "There.  I've disabled all of the alarms and 
cell locks.  We're good to go."  Her name was Vector Sublime.  A living 
virus.  She was also dressed in a black jump suit.

As the three entered the building, Vector Sublime's eyes flashed red 
light.  "I can sense something here.  You two, go free Bicycle Repair 
Lad.  I need to go investigate this."  Vector Sublime flew down a hallway.

"What was that all about?" asked Ripping Dancer.

Thread Bear shrugged his hands.  "Beats me."

"Well, guess we better find Bicycle Repair Lad, huh?"  Ripping Dancer 
took out a computer device that showed a map of the Secret Prison that 
Rumor Monger had given them.  According to the map, Bicycle Repair Lad 
was supposed to be in cell number 16.  "We should go in that direction. 
  Pretty quiet here, don't you think?  Guess I expected more guards."

"Yeah.  Keep your eyes open.  We're probably going to meet some sooner 
or later."

"And turn left here.  Those Threads of Conflict?  What are they exactly? 
  Just curious."

"They are ancient mystical weapons created by the Bear Gods."

"The Bear Gods?"

"Yes.  The Bear Gods.  Not many people know this, but the Looniverse was 
actually created by Bears."

"Really?  I always heard that it was like these nerdy college kids who 
created the Looniverse."

Thread Bear shook his head.  "No.  Actually, the nerdy college kids are 
bears in disguise.  This is the real truth.  But not many people know 
this truth."

"How did you get the Threads of Conflict?"

"The Bear Gods came to me in my dreams when I was a small child.  They 
showed me how to summon the Threads of Conflict.  I am this generation's 
Thread Bear.  There have been Thread Bears since the dawn of mankind. 
Each one a warrior destined to fight the Bear Killer and save all 
bearkind from it.  It is a fight that neither the Thread Bear or Bear 
Killer can walk away from.  They both die in battle with each other and 
a new Thread Bear and Bear Killer are chosen.  And the cycle continues."

"That's actually very sad.  You're given a power for the sole purpose of 
sacrifice?  How do you deal with it?  Do you know when your battle with 
the Bear Killer takes place?"

"No.  But someday it will come.  And I will be ready for it.  But until 
that time comes, I do what I need to do to survive.  Rob banks and 

"Working for Mynabird."

"Yes.  Working for him.  But he is a good man, Ripping Dancer.  Others 
have laughed at me.  Thought I was too lame for their supervillain 
groups -- their plans.  But not Mynabird.  He saw the greatness inside 
me.  He sees the greatness in all of us.  He sees the greatness in you, 
Ripping Dancer.  We are all part of his great plan.  A plan that will 
right the wrongs of the world.  That will make us Kings and Queens. 
Believe in Mynabird, Ripping Dance.  He is our hope for a better future."

It was strange.  She felt a closeness with Thread Bear.  The rest of the 
LNV were bloody thirsty psychopaths, but she felt safe with Thread Bear. 
  There was something noble about him.  Good about him.  Gentle about 
him.  These past few weeks that she had been part of the LNV they had 
started to form a bond with each other.  And feelings were starting to 
develop.  Feelings she had never really had for Fearless Leader.  She 
had wanted to have them, but they never came.  And now she was feeling 
these feelings for Thread Bear.  Confusing feelings.  Some feelings that 
made her feel ashamed.  Feelings of need.  Of want.  Of desire.  It was 
like Thread Bear was the only thing keeping her sane.  She needed to be 
near him.  Were these feelings love?  Was that what they were?  She 
didn't know.  Whatever these feelings were, they were starting to scare 
her.  "You think so?  Take a right here."

Thread Bear snorted.  "I know so."

"Well, I think this is it.  Cell #16.  Funny.  Guess I expected that 
we'd run into at least one guard.  This simple?  I guess we don't need 
to call the outside team.  I wonder what happened to Vector Sublime. 
She should be back by now, don't you think?  Guess we'll look for her 
after we get Bicycle Repair Lad out.  Well, suppose we should do this. 
Ready?"  Ripping Dancer's hand reached out for the cell door knob.  Then 
she hesitated.  It couldn't be this simple, could it?  Maybe it would. 
Maybe?  Oh well.  Just do it.  Open the door.

She opened the cell door.  Bicycle Repair Lad was nowhere to be seen. 
Instead the entire prison cell was filled with Freedom Chip Heroes and 
the LNH'r Irony Man stood in the front of the pack.  Irony Man waved his 
metal suited finger in a naughty-naughty manner as he shook his metal 
head.  "Ripping Dancer.  Ripping Dancer.  Tut -- tut.  You should know 
by now -- it's never simple.  Never.  And yes, you should probably call 
the outside team.  You're definitely going to need their help.  Oh, yes. 
  Definitely."  Irony Man stepped forward as his hands crackled with 
Irony.  "Oh, btw -- the LNH always wins.  Just so you know.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

To Be Continued...

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, Lalo Martins, Martin Phipps, 
Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger" 
Kogutt, used with permission...

Hexadecimal Luthor created by Chris Hare and reinvented by Saxon Brenton...

HexFire Club

Manga Man - Craig Thomas Judd
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Mr. Nasty (Ultimate Savior) - Martin Phipps
wReamicus Maximus (Ultimate Ninja) - wReam
Irony Man - Doug Moran


4-Color Kid - Scavenger
Kid Kirby  - Jameel Al Khavitz
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
HellCatalyst - Jeff McCoskey
Revamp Lass II - Jeff McCoskey
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Bicycle Repair Lad - Chris Hare
Procrastination Boy - Unknown
Steak-and-Potatoes Man - uplink
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Retcon Lad - Saxon Brenton
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid - Saxon Brenton
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy - Jamas Enright
Lenny the squirrel - Saxon Brenton
Net.Elementalist - Jamas Enright
The Bicycle Liberation Front - Saxon Brenton
Occultism Kid II - Josh Geurick
Lurking Girl - Tori Fike
Continuity Champ - Drizzt
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Obscure Trivia Lad - Brian Perler
Teenfactor - Tom Russell
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Knife Fight Dude - Arthur Spitzer
Captain Napalm - Unknown
Nomex Man - Unknown
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Cheeezar - Kyle Lucke
Easily-Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers

LNV'rs -

Ripping Dancer  - Arthur Spitzer
Legion of Net.Villains - Unknown
Lagneto - Jef Kolodziej
Alt.imate Ninja - Rob Rogers
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
          (mite) - Arthur Spitzer
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain - Kyle Lucke
(and costume description ripped from Quest for Cheeze)
Descartes the Pink Tarantula - Arthur Spitzer
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Diceman - Jay Leigh Volk
Continuity Porn Star - Arthur Spitzer
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
Pencil Rain - Jameel Al Khavitz
Rumor Monger - wReam
Plum Master - Arthur Spitzer
Mind-o-Saurus - Arthur Spitzer
Color-Error Man - Drizzt
Color-Error Man's Brother-In-Law - Arthur Spitzer
Demented Disigner - Drizzt
Injoker - Unknown
Romantic Innuendo - wReam
Godless Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Dr. Repeat Pirate - Arthur Spitzer
Thread Bear - Timothy Toner

Others -

Dr. Killfile - Steven Librande
Aunt Comic Relief - wReam
The Gothic Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man - Arthur Spitzer
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Charlie Hustle - Rob Rogers
Pope Lizard-saurus - Arthur Spitzer
Neverending-Events-Liberation Front - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Savior - Arthur Spitzer

Arthur's Notes:

What is this?  Like Part 482 of 493?  Or something like that?

But Seriously...

I did make some attempt to help a new reader understand some of the junk 
that's happening here... (not a great attempt)

If you are a new reader who by chance stumbled onto this issue for your 
first LNH story... well you should probably know that Beige Midnight is 
kind of the third part in a trilogy.

With Infinite Leadership Crisis being the first part...


And Beige Countdown being the second part...


So reading both of those first might help you understand this whole 
thing a lot better... but you don't have to do that.  You can just read 
this if you want.  Hope you understand it.

Beige Noon was an event referenced in Scavenger's Lurk of Faith 


The whole Ripping Dancer subplot got its start here...


The whole Hex Luthor as President subplot got started here...


And the corrupt Irony Man subplot began here...


Hopefully issue two will be ready to be posted by next week, but who 

Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight" Spitzer

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