LNH: Beige Midnight #1: Imperium Hex Part I: 'The Bigger They Are...' (2/3)

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sat Aug 2 13:38:08 PDT 2008

Beginning of Part II

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid frowned as he glanced at the computer monitor.  The 
information about the Cosmic Plot Device on the LNH computers was pretty 
sparse.  It did mention how Lurking Girl destroyed it back during the 
Cosmic Plot Device Caper.  But after that there were only the vaguest of 
mentions about it.  Something involving Continuity Champ battling Dr. 
Killfile who was trying to reform pieces of the Cosmic Plot Device. 
[See the Cosmic Conspiracy -- Footnote Girl].  But whatever happened to 
it, or the pieces, there was no mention of that.

Darryth Rath, the Continuity Champ, had been retired from the LNH for 
years and for the most part was very difficult to find.  Of course 
Occultism Kid could probably find him, but how cooperative would he be, 
assuming he even remembered anything from that time?  As for Dr. 
Killfile, well who knows where Dr. Killfile was.  Perhaps one of the 
Drizzt's Defenders might know something.  Occultism Kid clicked his 
keyboard a few times to get the team's roster.

He glanced at the list of names.  He didn't know where most of these 
people had gone.  Wait!  Of course, he thought looking at the one 
familiar name on the list.

"Hey, Multi-Tasking Man?" Occultism Kid said as talked into his 
comm.thingee.  "Could you locate Obscure Trivia Lad for me?  Thanks."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Hex Luthor hung up his Oval Office phone.  Another dead end.

Where was that other damn piece?  Tons of his people were out there 
searching for it, but for some reason no one could find it.  He had used 
a piece of the Cosmic Plot Device to find the rest of the small 
fragments.  But he couldn't seem to find the last piece.  Something was 
obscuring it.  And no one seemed to know where it was.  No that wasn't 
true.  There was at least one person who knew.  Dr. Killfile.

Of course Dr. Killfile appeared to be missing in action too.  His last 
appearance was back in 2006, his body had vanished after some battle 
involving members of his family.  [See Killfile Wars -- Footnote Girl]. 

In many ways, he had Killfile to thank for all of this.  Hex Luthor 
smiled to himself.  Hex's mind drifted back to a time that had never 

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

1999 --

A jail cell.

"Wow!  I can't believe it!  It's you!  It's really you!  Can't believe 
they stuck us both in the same cell!"

"Yes.  Someone will have to die for that," said Dr. Killfile as he 
thumbed through the science journal he was trying to read.

"I mean you're like the Elvis of supervillains.  You're like..."

"Mozart.  If you must compare me to anyone.  And you really shouldn't 
bother doing that since I am far beyond whatever miniscule mites your 
pitiful brain could imagine for comparison."

"Uh... sorry.  Didn't mean -- I -- I'm just a big fan of your work.  The 
name's Hexadecimal Luthor.  I don't know if you've ever heard of me?  I 
occasionally fight the LNH.  My greatest arch-enemy is Bicycle Repair 
Lad.  You've heard of him?"

"No.  These names are quite meaningless."

"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't.  Guess I need to build myself a bigger rep. 
  I'm thinking about maybe fighting someone like Teenfactor."

Dr. Killfile scowled as he accidentally ripped a page from the journal.

"So.  How did they nab you?  Just wondering -- because you don't really 
strike me as a guy whoever fails.  Was it...?"

"Fail?!"  Killfile slammed down the science journal onto his bed.  His 
face became red with rage.  "Fail!?  I am a Killfile!  I never fail! 
This -- this right here -- is all part of a grand plan that is beyond 
anyone's ability (besides my own) to comprehend!  I wanted to be put 
into this cell!  Every battle -- every move I make.  It's all leading 

"Umm... sorry.  Wasn't trying to -- I mean -- wait a sec.  Just thought 
of something.  Am I part of this plan?"

"Maybe.  Probably not.  But I never fail.  I never fail."  Dr. Killfile 
picked up the science journal and crumpled it up in his fist.  "No. 
That's not completely true.  No.  I did fail once.  Just once.  I was 
young and stupid.  It was back in '92.  Right after the Cry.Sig.  I had 
a plan that involved the broken pieces of the Cosmic Plot Device.  I had 
found two of the pieces and I used them to build some androids.  The 
pieces powered the androids.  I called one of the androids, Aunt Comic 
Relief."  Dr. Killfile chuckled to himself.  "It was a much sillier time 
back then.  And I guess the stupidity of it all had infected me.  And 
then Continuity Champ became involved.  I had planned to absorb his 
powers and make them my own.  I suppose my plan might have worked, but 
alas -- the Champ cheated.  Beings from some alternate future helped 
free him.  And he defeated me -- turning me into a helpless vegetable. 
And I was like that until I was reborn in '94.  It was then I truly 
understood everything.  My purpose.  My plan.  I realized that the 
powers I had inside me were greater than any so called Cosmic Plot 
Device bauble.  Much greater.  And so I began to work on my plan.  And I 
still am."

"Wow.  That's some story.  So you had two pieces of the Cosmic Plot 
Device -- what was the name of that other android?"

Dr. Killfile looked down on Hex Luthor and shook his head.  "Name?  No. 
  Don't even bother.  You're nothing.  You're dreams are nothing. 
You're just another insignificant insipid joke in a world of insipid 
jokes.  You'd be better off just sticking to what you know best.  Which 
seems to be very little.  Now me?  I'm going to go to sleep and I'm 
going to dream -- dream beyond the scope of nothings like yourself. 
Dream of great things that I will do in the future.  And dream of the 
dead bodies I will step over to accomplish those great things.  And you? 
  You're not going to speak another word.  I don't even want to hear you 

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Hex Luthor put down his shovel.  Rain pattered down on his head.  And 
darkness filled the sky.  But there she was.

The last remains of Aunt Comic Relief.

Hex took out a knife and started to carve through the android.  He 
reached into her chest and felt around.  There it was!  He pulled it 
out.  A piece of the Cosmic Plot Device!  Rain drops drizzled over it 
washing off the dirt.

Hex Luthor smiled to himself.  Things were going to change.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

And he used the piece to find the other pieces and fragments.  And he 
found them all except for one.

Putting all of the pieces he had back together, he used what power the 
device did have crafting the Cosmic Reset Button.  The device had enough 
power for him to hit the button one time.

And so he hit the button.  And everything changed.

He was President of the Loonited States and George Walker Bush was just 
some out of work politician clearing brush at his Crawford Ranch.

The Heckfire Club became the HexFire Club.

And a lot of other things changed as well.

And now here he was.  It was 2008.  Through puppet surrogates he was in 
control of the LNH.  He had vast army of Freedom Chip controlled heroes 
in the LNH.  He had gone where no supervillain had ever gone before. 
Dr. Killfile in his wildest dreams could only wish this much power.

He'd love to have Killfile in one of his secret prisons and torture the 
information out of him.  Show Killfile who was the real joke.  Not that 
Killfile would have remembered their conversation.  It was a 
conversation that had never happened.  But this was all academic. 
Killfile was missing and no one seemed to know where he was.

Killfile had mentioned Continuity Champ.  Maybe he knew about the second 
android.  He'd have to get Irony Man to check into that.

Hex sighed to himself.  So much work to be done.  He really needed a 

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"So, here we are.  I guess everyone knows everyone, but just in case -- 
My name is Fearless Leader and seated clockwise around me is the Very 
Disturbed Scary Creature Man, Cannon Fodder, Kid Anarky, The Gothic 
Gorilla, Knife Fight Dude, Captain Napalm, Nomex Man, and Ripping 
Dancer.  This is one of many cells that are now operating for The 
Resistance.  Now I can't say how many cells there are or who are in 
these cells or the names of the people leading the other cells.  It's 
best that you don't know this information in case the Enemy should 
capture you or if there's a mole in one of the cells -- umm no offense 
intended, Dancer."

Ripping Dancer covered her hands over her face.  "Umm.  Right.  None 
taken," she said in a very awkward voice.

"I just want all of you to know that the reason I'm not giving you 
information about the other cells has nothing to do with trust, but it's 
for your own safety.  I trust everyone in this room.  I trust you people 
with my life.  I just want to say that.  And now the purpose of this 
meeting.  Hex Luthor must be stopped."

"Umm," responded Cannon Fodder, "I'm no fan of Hex Luthor, but 
considering that the Bryttle Brothers are sitting on gigantic thrones in 
the middle of Net.ropolis shouldn't we be trying to stop them first?  I 
mean maybe Luthor controls the LNH and has all of these Freedom Chip 
Heroes under his thrall, but so what?  Isn't getting into some kind of a 
Civil War with our own LNH the last thing we should be doing?  Wouldn't 
it be better if we just dealt with Luthor after Beige Midnight?"

"Those are interesting points, Fodder.  Look, I agree that the Bryttle 
Brothers threat is the most serious threat that the LNH has right now, 
but other LNH'rs like Occultism Kid and Kid Kirby are dealing with it. 
What Hex Luthor has been doing and is doing can't be ignored though.  We 
don't really know which side he's on, although his title 'The Beige 
King' seems to indicate that he's not going to be with us in our fight 
with the Bryttle Brothers.  No.  My gut feeling tells me that we have to 
stop Hex Luthor and his Freedom Chip scheme.  If we don't, I'm afraid 
everything we've ever believed in, our ideals and everything else, might 
be lost with them."

"And if you're wrong?" said Cannon Fodder.

"Then I'm wrong and we'll all pay a terrible price.  But I would like to 
know who's with me on this.  A show of hands.  Who thinks we should stop 
Hex Luthor?"  A majority of the hands in the room went up.  "Well then. 
  I guess that's settled.  And now onto stopping Hex Luthor."

"I've got an idea."  The voice was from a rather large man in a 
trenchcoat who pulled a big ass knife from that same trenchcoat and 
stabbed the table with that knife.

"Umm, sure go ahead and tell us, Knife Fight Dude," replied Fearless 
Leader.  "What's your idea?"

"I will challenge Hex Luthor to a knife fight!!  Okay, I know what 
you're thinking -- what if he doesn't want to fight?  Well, then he's a 
pussy.  A big @#$@&*# pussy!!! And everyone will know he's a pussy!  And 
he'll have to resign in shame!  Because no one wants a pussy who's too 
afraid to get in a knife fight to lead the USA!!  However, if he does 
accept -- then I'll fight him -- and I will win!!  And by the rules of 
Knife Fight Law, I will succeed him as President of the Loonited 
States!!  Yes!!  I WILL BE PRESIDENT!!!! And then I can make these 
Freedom Chips illegal.  That's my plan.  So, what do you guys think? 
Sound good?"

"There is no Knife Fight Law in the Constitution," responded Fearless 

"There should be," answered Knife Fight Dude.

"We're not doing your plan, Knife Fight Dude," said Fearless Leader.

"Fine.  Be that way."  Knife Fight Dude shook his head in disgust.  "I 
try to give you people wisdom, but no.  You just won't listen."  Knife 
Fight Dude folded his arms into sulking position.

"*Ahem*.  Anyway, as I was saying -- How to stop Hex Luthor."  Fearless 
Leader stood up and walked towards a screen in a room.  He clicked a 
button.  A picture of a large building popped up on the screen.  "This 
is a factory located in Net.ropolis where most of the Freedom Chips are 
being made.  We're going to make sure that everyone inside or near the 
factory is nowhere near it.  And then we're going to blow it up."

"Umm -- Whoahh!" said Kid Anarky.  "I love Anarchy as much as the next 
guy, but isn't this just a tad extreme, you know?  Why not just get 
someone like Dr. Stomper to go on TV and tell people not to use Freedom 
Chips or something."

"That's already been tried.  Hex Luthor has a number of scientists 
working for him that he can send on TV programs too.  And after the 
whole LNH robot duplicate fiasco a lot of people don't seem to trust 
Stomper anymore.  I know blowing up factories seems extreme, but we live 
in an extreme world.  But this is just stage one.  There's only one 
person in the whole world who has ever defeated Hex Luthor.  And he's in 
a secret prison somewhere.  Bicycle Repair Lad.  We need to find him and 
free him so he can help us stop Luthor."

"That assumes all that crazy talk BRL was going on about Hex Luthor 
hitting some Cosmic Reset Button wasn't just crazy talk, of course," 
said Captain Napalm.  "Because if it was just crazy talk then no one has 
ever actually defeated Hex Luthor."

"Even if it was crazy talk, we can't leave him there.  He's one of us. 
LNH.  And we're going to free him.  I think this is important.  And I'd 
like to call this cell The Bicycle Liberation Front so we can remember 
how important this is."

"He'll be expecting this," said Ripping Dancer breaking into the 
conversation.  "Us to free Bicycle Repair Lad, I mean.  Not the whole 
calling ourselves the Bicycle Liberation Front part.  Luthor will."

"I suppose he will, Dancer.  But we'll just have to prepare for whatever 
traps or guards he has..."

"No, wait.  I was just thinking.  This plan -- a plan.  I have a plan. 
I just thought of it.  A way of killing two birds with one stone." 
Ripping Dancer smiled to herself.  "This is my plan."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"There.  It's installed," Dr. Stomper said as he looked into Ripping 
Dancer's ears with a device that emitted a red beam.  "This device will 
protect your brain from mind reading and anyone who does try to read it 
will get your cover story instead.  And this..."  Dr. Stomper pulled out 
a pair of earrings.  "These are devices that will teleport you to a safe 
place.  All you need to do is push this tiny red button right here.  You 
can put them on your ears, or wherever you kids put them on now days."

"Thanks," Ripping Dancer said taking the earrings.  "Ears will be fine."

Dr. Stomper put a briefcase down on a table and opened it up.  "And I 
was able to duplicate the potions that give you your powers and beauty. 
  That being said, I would advise you to never ever use them again."

"Umm why?"

"The original formula that you used had an element called 
Nevahshoodusium.  An element that should never be used.  It's a very 
powerful element, but also one that has very deadly side effects.  It's 
an element banned in many countries and star systems.  I tried to come 
up with a substitute that wouldn't be as dangerous, but I failed.  And 
so these potions here have Nevashoodusium in them.  The more you use 
these potions, the greater your risk is for cancer or something even worse."

"Worse than cancer?  Are you saying that I have cancer?"

"I don't know.  But you've been drinking these potions since 2006, correct?"

Ripping Dancer nodded her head.

"Then there's a very strong possibility.  My advice is one: you should 
get a check-up with Organic Lass.  Don't worry about her turning you in. 
  She's not going to do that.  I'll get in touch with her and set up an 
appointment for you in a safe location.  And two: you should stop using 
these potions.  If they aren't already killing you, then it's only a 
matter of time.  But you're an adult -- and ultimately it's up to you 
whether you quit or not."

Ripping Dancer opened up the briefcase and took out a potion.  "Have to 
do one final mission."

"No."  Doctor Stomper shook his head.  "You don't have to."

"If only it were that simple."  Ripping Dancer popped the cap off and 
drank the potion.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

Fearless Leader turned his head around.  "Dancer!  Didn't see you there 
-- you're looking -- you're looking good."


"This mission of yours -- I think -- I don't think you should do it -- 


"Yes, to put it lightly.  This Legion of Net.Villains.  It's filled with 
killers and worse.  I don't know.  I've been having bad feelings about 
this ever since you told me your plan."

"I'll be fine.  I can do this."

"You don't have to.  You don't have to do this.  Tara..."

"No.  If I ever want to look at my face in the mirror again, I'm going 
to have to do this.  I have no choice, Felix.  You can't stop me."

"I'm not going to stop you.  I'm just -- just worried.  But I also know 
that you can do this.  Just be careful.  Do you have everything that you 

"Yes.  Dr. Stomper set me up with everything.  Everything I need."

"Well.  I guess this is goodbye then."

"I guess so."

"Look, once all of this Beige Midnight nonsense is finally over -- let's 
go on a trip.  Just the two of us.  To Europe maybe, or wherever you 
want to go."

"Sounds nice.  Let's do that."

Fearless Leader walked over to Ripping Dancer and gave her a big long 
hug.  "Are you sure -- sure you're going to be fine doing this?"

"I'll be fine," Ripping Dancer reassured him.  "I'll be fine."

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

There was a man who didn't seem to move.  Every part of him seemed to be 
frozen in time except for one of his hands which was slowly cutting a 
piece of meat.  It was as if the Net that surrounded him was Lagging. 
Sitting across the table from him was another costumed man.  An armored 
man dressed in a familiar looking green cloak.  In fact the cloak was so 
familiar looking that any knowledgeable fan of comics might think it was 
a blatant rip-off of another character.  But to the costumed man it was 
simply... a homage.

"So, Homage -- why did you want to meet me?" the Frozen Man asked with 
his frozen mouth.

"Lags, do I really need a reason?  Can't two pals just have dinner and 
chew the fat?  Shoot the breeze?"

"First -- We have never ever been 'pals'.  And second -- There is a 
graveyard in East Net.ropolis filled with the bodies of men who dared 
call me 'Lags'.  The name is Lagneto!"  Lagneto's fork stabbed the piece 
of cut meat.

"Touch`e!  Well, okay -- you're right.  We've never been all that close 
-- and we've had a rather prickly history.  But we do have things in 
common.  We've both led the Brotherhood of Net.Villains.  We're both 
leaders.  Leaders of men.  At least you used to be.  Is what I've heard 
from various sources true?  Are you now a henchman for Mynabird?"

Lagneto's fork with its meat started to make its journey towards 
Lagneto's mouth.  "You've heard wrong.  I am working with Mynabird, but 
in a consultant capacity."

"Pfah!  Consultant?  Just another name for pawn!  What ever happened to 
the Lagneto who used to terrorize the World?"

The fork with meat moved a few more centimeters.  "He's still here. 
Waiting to see how everything plays out.  I like to take my time."

"But why even work for him?  Why is anyone following this bozo?  He 
comes out of nowhere -- and everyone just does what he says!  It's 
insane!  They should be -- they should be following..."


"Well, yes.  Me!  Or you.  Or some other villain that has been around 
and earned a reputation.  But not him!  Mynabird!?  What kind of a 
stupid name is that?  'I'm a Mynabird *tweet* *tweet*.'  Stupid.  What 
the hell is a Mynabird anyways?  Am I supposed to be scared of someone 
who calls himself Mynabird?  People should be laughing at him -- not 
following him!"  The glass of raspberry ice tea that Mr. Homage had been 
holding burst into shards of glass.

"I believe a Myna is a member of the starling family.  But anyway, why 
don't you challenge him in battle?"  The piece of meat was in the point 
of no return between Lagneto's plate and Lagneto's mouth.

"Well, I would, but umm..."  Mr. Homage paused a bit while he thought of 
a good excuse for not fighting Mynabird.  "But he has that bodyguard of 
his.  You know the -- Alt.imate Ninja!  Yes, him!  Even if I were to 
beat Mynabird in a fair fight who's to say that the Alt.imate Ninja or 
one of his other loyalists wouldn't stab me in the back?  But on the 
other hand what if you joined with me?  My brains -- your powers? 
Nothing could stop us!  The Legion of Net.Villains would have to make us 
their leaders!  We could co-lead together!  What do you think?"

"Your brains?  Wouldn't that put me under a handicap?  And co-lead with 
you?  Co-lead with you?"  Lagneto's frozen mouth laughed.  "I'd rather 
be Mynabird's lackey than ever co-lead with you."  The meat was almost 
5/8ths away from the plate on its way to Lagneto's mouth.

Mr. Homage rose up from his seat.  His entire body shook with rage. 
"How dare you!  How dare you!!  I won't forget this slight!  Never!! 
And for Evil's sake -- eat that damn piece of meat!!  Eat it!!!  For the 
love of all Evil, Eat it!!!!!"

The meat on Lagneto's fork was three inches away from Lagneto's mouth.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

"So.  How did our little recruiting mission go?" asked the leader of the 
Legion of Net.Villains, Mynabird, to a man floating up in the air.  A 
floating man with brown preppy hair, a slightly goofy-looking face, 
sloping shoulders, a bare chest, love.handles, and a slightly portly 
belly.  His costume?  A pair of tiger-striped, monogrammed bikini 
underwear, bearing the legend "Tommbly-Bloobly".  Definitely, a man who 
was flying altogether too naked.

"Sorry.  No dice, boss," said the old arch-enemy of Cheeezar, 
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain, as he held his black-handled, 
red-tined Trident of Power tightly in his hand.  "They seemed to be 
snoozing.  Taking a nap or something.  Couldn't wake them up.  Man, they 
were creepy.  Hate to even think about them.  Feel kind of sick."

"Drat.  Oh well.  The Bryttle Brothers would have been useful in my war 
against Easily-Discovered Man Lite -- err, I mean war against the LNH of 

"Tarantula!" growled one of the pink tarantulas crawling along the floor.

"Quite right, Descartes," nodded Mynabird.  "Their loss."

Vector Sublime's eyes flashed red light.  "Revamp Lass has returned, 
Mynabird.  She's brought a new recruit with her."  All of the villains 
turned around to see what Vector Sublime was talking about.

"Hubba, hubba!" hooted the Diceman (Older brother and arch-enemy of the 
LNH'r PC Person).  "Now this is more like it!  And to think I was this 
close to stabbing both my eyes out with toothpicks having to look at 
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain and Continuity Porn Star jiggle all 
the time!  So what's your name, sweet cheeks?"

"Ignore him," Revamp Lass said as she directed the new recruit towards 
Mynabird.  "This is the boss.  Mynabird.  Mynabird?  Meet Ripping Dancer."

"Umm, hi?" Ripping Dancer said in a very weak soft voice.

"Ripping Dancer," Mynabird said as he stroked his metal suits chin. 
"Yes.  I've heard of you.  Your story on the news.  How you betrayed the 
LNH.  And now you want to join us?  Why, Might I ask?  Why?  Please, 
tell me."

"Look, I won't lie to you," Ripping Dancer started to say.  "I'm at rock 
bottom.  I'm desperate.  I need help.  The LNH wants me dead.  He wants 
me dead.  Because I know too much.  And he's worried that I could 
destroy him and the LNH."

"Who?  Who are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the man who secretly controls the LNH.  One of the 
secret masters that runs our world.  Who am I talking about?  Who?" 
Ripping Dancer gave a dramatic pause.  "Easily-Discovered Man Lite. 
That's who I'm talking about."

Every supervillain in the room blinked their eyes.

"Easily-Discovered Man Lite?" Mynabird asked as the notion started to 
roll through his mind.

"Yes.  I know it sounds absurd.  But it's the truth.  In reality, 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite is an immortal lizard creature masquerading 
as a teenage sidekick slacker.  One who's been secretly running the LNH 
ever since the Rebel Yell days."

Mynabird gave his head a slight nod.  "You know.  I always suspected 
that Easily-Discovered Man Lite was a mask for something although I 
figured it was Al Gore.  Go on."

"And now he has a plan to rob everyone of their free will.  He created 
the Freedom Chip and now he wants to use it to enslave us all.  There's 
only one person in the world who knows how to stop him.  Who knows 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite's weakness.  His one weakness.  My boyfriend. 
  Bicycle Repair Lad."

"I think my disbelief has been stretched beyond the point of every 
single breaking point that has ever existed.  I mean, come on. 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite, an immortal lizard creature.  I could have 
bought that.  But Bicycle Repair Lad, Ripping Dancer's boyfriend?  Come 
on now.  Seriously."

Mynabird gave a dark gaze.  "Hush, Londonbroil.  I want to hear this."

"Come on now.  You're not buying this bag of bollocks?  This is totally 
loony.  Weakness?  Easily-Discovered Man Lite's weakness?  I can tell 
you that one.  Take a gun.  Put it against his head.  Pull the trigger. 
  Or get a knife.  Or pick up a big rock.  You get the picture?  He's a 
bloody wanker with a spatula who makes puns!  Everything is his weakness!"

"Really, now.  If that's true then why haven't you killed him yet?"

"Err?  Haven't gotten around to it yet?" said Londonbroil with a 
sheepish look.

"And why hasn't anyone killed him?  He's faced Dr. Killfile and Pencil 
Rain and he still lives!  And why is he a member of the LNH if he's so 
useless?  No.  The more I think about it -- the more this whole secret 
lizard ruler of the world story makes sense.  I first encountered him 
back in 1994 -- and he still looks the same -- he hasn't aged!  Explain 

"Botox injections?" shrugged Londonbroil.

Mynabird went back to Ripping Dancer.  "So, where is this Bicycle Repair 

"I don't know.  Here's the thing.  Easily-Discovered Man Lite had him 
thrown into one of Hex Luthor's secret prisons.  I don't know where he 
is or how to get him out.  All I do know is that if we're going to stop 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite's plan we'll need Bicycle Repair Lad.  We 
need to break him out."

Mynabird snapped his metal suits finger.  "Hmm.  Rumor Monger.  Are you 
aware of where this secret prison is at?"

"Err -- I've got contacts that could probably trace it for you.  If you 

"Good.  Do that.  And as for you, Ripping Dancer -- not that I don't 
trust you -- Well, okay -- I don't trust you.  Plum Master!  Read her mind!"

A man in a yellow and purple costume stepped from out of the shadows 
holding a plum in each hand and walked over to where Ripping Dancer was 
at.  He held the plums near her head and started to giggle.  Ripping 
Dancer clutched her head and fell to her knees screaming in pain.  "Yes! 
  My mindreading plums will get to your secrets!  Your dark filthy 
secrets!  Hehehehehehh!  They'll know them all!  Heehheheheehehhe!!!!"

"Well, okay Plum Master.  What are they?" asked Mynabird.

"Yes!  Just a sec.  There!  Now tell me!  Tell me, my lovelies!  Tell me 
her secrets!!"

"Well?"  Mynabird folded his arms impatiently.

Plum Master gave a nervous laugh.  "Come on now.  My lovelies.  Mynabird 
wants to know what you found out.  Please.  You're making me look bad 
here.  What?  Come on now.  You know it wasn't like that.  Can't we 
discuss this some other place?  It wasn't like that!  You know Daddy 
loves only you.  Yes!  Daddy loves only you!!  Please!  I was only 
testing for ripeness!  No!  Don't say that!  You know I couldn't live 
without you!  Please!  No!  Please?!"

"What's going on here, Plum Master!?" snapped Mynabird.

"It's -- it's nothing -- just a -- umm -- just a little lover's quarrel. 
  You see -- I was at the grocery store a week ago and there were some 
peaches.  And I was squeezing them -- testing them for ripeness.  Only 
ripeness!  And well -- you know how jealous plums get when you..."

"Enough!  Do we have any other mind readers here?  Well!?"  Mynabird 
looked around the room, but no villains seemed to be raising their 
hands.  "Are you telling me that *none* of you are mind readers? 
Hundreds of villains -- and no mind readers?!"

"Well.  Guess I could do it.  If no one else wants to."  The voice came 
from lizard type creature with a very big head and a small body that was 
supported by a mechanical flying device.  "The name's Mind-o-Saurus, but 
my friends call my MIND-O (Mobile Intelligent Neutered Dinosaur for 
Obliterating).  I'm the world's smartest dinosaur!  And I can read 
minds.  And -- well, I guess that's about it."

"Mind-O-Saurus?  Never heard of you.  Can anyone vouch for him?"

"My brother-in-law can," spoke up Color-Error Man.

"Yep," said Color-Error Man's Brother-In-Law as he finished drinking the 
beer in his hand.  "Mind-O is totally cool.  How's it hanging, Mind-O? 
Isn't this like totally awesome?  Being a supervillain rocks!" 
Color-Error Man's Brother-In-Law made a loud burping sound.

"Color-Error Man's Brother-In-Law?"  Mynabird shook his head and gave a 
sigh.  "Very well.  I guess that will have to do.  Mind-O-Saurus!  Read 
Ripping Dancer!"

Mind-o-Saurus flew his mechanical device towards Ripping Dancer and 
started to probe her mind.

"Well?" said Mynabird.

"She's telling the truth.  At least she thinks she is."

"So are we going to free Bicycle Repair Lad -- or what?" asked Ripping 

"We will.  But first -- you must be tested.  You will have to rob 13 of 
Net.ropolis's biggest banks.  Demented Designer?  Take Ripping Dancer 
and dress her in a more appropriate manner."

"Oh boy," said Ripping Dancer as she nervously followed Demented 
Disigner into a hallway.

As she left the villains started to discuss the plot to free Bicycle 
Repair Lad.

"Oh!  Oh!  I know!  I've got it!  The name!  Yes, the name!! The name we 
just have to call the group that's getting Bicycle Repair Lad!  Oh, lord 
man.  This is good!  Hahah!  You're going to want to tell your grandkids 
this one!  It's that good!  Oh my sweet Jesus loving God!"  Injoker 
wiped a tear from his eye as he tried to control the laughter coming 
from his mouth.  "Oh man this is -- Hahahhahahah!  No wait -- here it 
is.  Oh, Jesus this is too good.  Wait.  I'm going to say it.  I'm 
saying it -- I'm -- Let's call it the -- Bawahahahha! *ahem* Okay 
seriously this time.  Let's -- Let's call it the -- *drum roll please* 
-- THE BICYCLE LIBERATION FRONT!!!  Am I right?!  I'm right!!! 
Hahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahah!!!!"  The Injoker doubled over 
with laughter for about two whole minutes.  "Oh, God.  I think I peed in 
my pants!!!  Hahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahah!!!!!!"

"I don't get it," said Mynabird.

"Well.  Guess you had to be there," said the Injoker.

She didn't miss much.

And in another room...

Rumor Monger held the phone near his head.

"Who am I?  Let's just say a concerned citizen with some valuable 
information."  Rumor Monger smiled to himself.

                      **** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part II

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