RACCies: 2007 (14th Annual) RACCies Awards Ceremony
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Apr 1 22:08:44 PDT 2008
Written by Martin Phipps and Arthur Spitzer...
As well as some stolen stuff from Saxon Brenton, Jamie Rosen, Matt
"Badger" Rossi, and Jeff McCoskey!
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
A Day before the RACCies Awards Ceremony in a dingy cafe...
A shadowy figure walked into the cafe carrying a fish bowl. In the fish
bowl swam a fish that looked like a grunion. A grunion made of gold.
The shadowy figure walked over to a shadowy corner where a number of
other strange people sat.
"I was told to come here. Is this the place? Are you the people? The
Super -- Guys?"
"Maybe. Maybe not," said a grim looking man smoking a bunch of
cigarettes and wearing a trenchcoat. "Why don't you ask him..." The
trenchcoated man pointed to person dressed in spandex.
"Me? Ack! I don't know anything about this. Ack! Why do people
always assume I know anything? Ack! I'm just here for the free
cheesecake! Ack!" The man in spandex quickly gulped down a can of Mr.
Paprika.
In the chair next to him sat a silverish monstrosity that was covered in
silver fists. Fists that seemed to be on PATROL. But it didn't seem to
have a mouth.
And next to that sat a nervous girl wearing sunglasses as if to hide her
glowing green eyes. "Oh Me Gaw! Why did I ever come here?! We're all
being watched! I can feel them! The government! Or Dynamax! Can't
you people see this is all a trick!?" She started to check her ice tea
glass for bugs.
And next to her sat an urn. An urn from the future! Filled with ASH!
And next to the urn sat a Milepost sign. "Hmm, we all appear to be at a
CROSSROADS here!" the sign said while looking at its menu.
"And what about you -- person dressed in a gorilla costume? DO you know
what this is all about?"
The person in the gorilla costume laughed. "Of course! I'm the one who
brought you all here!"
"Umm why? Ack!"
"You were all once Awards! Great Awards! But then they became tired of
you! And stopped running you! And now you're nothing -- Nothing at all!"
"Your point being?" said the grim trenchcoated man while he flicked
another cigarette into the Urn.
"Revenge! Don't you want it? Don't you want to destroy the RACCies?
Together we can! We can destroy them once and for all! You see -- I'm
the one responsible for all of the previous attempts to destroy the
RACCies! Do You know 'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies!' That was
me! I hired Manga Man! And 'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the
Raccies... Again!' Me Again! And 'Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's
RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja Gorillas!' I did that too!
But it wasn't enough! But now I've come up with a sure fire way to
destroy Saxon Brenton and the RACCies once and for all! Muhahahahahahahh!"
"Hmm," replied the Milepost sign. "I don't think that Saxon Brenton is
doing this year's RACCies. Some person named Spitzer, I believe."
"Eliot Spitzer is doing the RACCies?" frowned the person in the gorilla
suit. "What an odd choice! Oh well. It's a mere technicality. And
now -- you're probably all wondering who I am? Who is this mastermind?
This genius extraordinaire?"
"No, not really."
"I am -- Damn. Something's stuck," said the person in the gorilla suit
as he tried to get his gorilla mask off. "I can't seem to get this off.
It's stuck! Really stuck! Hey, could someone help me here? Hey!
Where did you people go? People? Are you still there? This isn't
funny? Oh hell."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
And Now.......
"Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man XIV, in
conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes, Boring
Productions, Eightfold, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of Net.Heroes 2,
Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Net.Trenchcoat Brigade, Pinacle City, Starfall,
Superguy, and Misc universes, proudly presents..."
o
o o o o o
o o
o o
o o o o o o o o
o o The 2007 o o
o o o (14th Annual) o o o
o o RACCies Awards o o
o o o o o o o o
o o
o o
o o o o o
o
"Hey, everybody and welcome to this year's RACCIES. I'm PR Kid and
I'll be covering the red carpet tonight. And what a spectacle we have
tonight! God, I wish somebody were drawing this so you could just see
it yourself and I didn't have to describe it to you! Anyway,
everybody is wearing designer gowns and fancy tuxedos. Well,
actually, let me clarify that: the women are wearing designer gowns
and the men are wearing fancy tuxedos. Nobody is wearing both.
Anyway, everybody is looking great! The excitement is in the air. I
personally am getting so excited that I feel myself..."
"DON'T SAY IT!!!" screamed Exclamation Man of LNHY's LNH. He was
arm in arm with his teammate, Trophy Wife.
"I was about to say I was starting to break out in a sweat."
"OH!" Exclamation Man said. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY
WOODY!"
PR Kid really did start to sweat just then. "Oh boy, it seems
Exclamation Man just had a major Jane Fonda moment there!"
Exclamation Man turned five shades of red. Trophy Wife started
blushing too and changed from a golden yellow to a dark shade of
orange.
"Anyway, that's what happens when you're live!" PR Kid said. "Now
let's get some reactions from the crowd! Here's Super Apathy Lad!
Hey, Super Apathy Lad!"
"Hmm?"
"So, Super Apathy Lad, who do you think is going to win at this
year's RACCIES?"
"I don't know."
"Who do you want to win?"
Super Apathy Lad just shrugged his shoulders.
"Aren't you rooting for LNH authors and LNH stories, you being an
LNH character and all?"
"Not particularly, no."
"Okay. Somebody find me Kid Enthusiastic. While we're looking for
Kid Enthusiastic and waiting to hear what he has to say, let's hear
the following message from LNH Dice!"
LNH Dice. Buy them.
"We're back with Kid Enthusiastic! Kid Enthusiastic, who are you
rooting for tonight?"
"Oh gosh, I don't know! Everybody was so good this year!"
"Well, can you tell me which authors and stories stood out?"
"Well, let's see..." Kid Enthusiastic went on to list all the
nominated authors and stories.
"Thank you, Kid Enthusiastic. Please tell me Pointless Awards Man
is there and we can begin the ceremony."
Pointless Awards Man walked out on stage.
"Good evening, everybody," he said. "In my hands are the name's of
tonight's winners."
A shot ran out. Pointless Awards man dropped to the ground.
Security personnel who had been hired for the ceremony started running
around saying "Somebody shot Pointless Awards Man! Did you see who it
was?" Apparently every one of them was watching Pointless Awards Man
and nobody was watching the crowd like they were supposed to.
"I think Pointless Awards Man has been hurt," Sister State-the-
Obvious whispered to her husband, Master Blaster.
Finally, Detective John Phelps of the Pepperton City Police
(Superfreaks imprint) stood up and approached the stage.
"Everybody, calm down," he said.
"Hmm?" Super Apathy Lad asked.
"There's been a murder," he continued. "Now, as a professional
detective, it is my job to determine who did it. Let's start by
considering the most likely suspect."
"Who?" everybody asked.
John nodded. "We have an accused murderer here tonight. He's been
twice accused of murder and he's gotten off twice on the mere
technicality that the victim's weren't actually dead."
Martin Rock (AKA the Green Knight of Jolt City in the 8FOLD imprint)
spoke up. "Oh, Hell no!"
Detective Michael King, also from Pepperton, was skeptical. "What's
his motive?"
"His motive is that he's a loner. He doesn't fit in with society
after being a vigilante for ten years. Rumour has it that he's
killed before. Plus, nobody seems to like him."
"Why not?" Michael asked.
"There was an incident in a park. Somebody was shooting at him and
some people got killed."
"And was he shooting back?"
"No."
"So people blamed him because he led the shooter to the park."
"Actually, the shooter tied him up and brought him to the park
himself. The shooter shot at other people just for kicks. Anyway, it
was all Martin Rock's fault."
"This is a black thing, isn't it?" Martin Rock asked.
Michael sighed. "I have a different theory."
"Let's hear it."
"Who has motive here?"
"Go on."
"Who's been writing for years and never got to be favorite author?"
"wReam?"
Michael pointed out his suspect. "Deja Dude! He has motive!"
"Who? Me?" Deja Dude asked. "I don't have a gun."
"Mark! Tom! Search his bag!"
Officers Mark Johnson and Tom Jackson went and searched Deja Dude's
bag. They found a gun.
"That's not mine," Deja Dude insisted.
There was a label on the gun. Tom Jackson read it out loud. "It
says here 'Property of Deja Dude.'"
"Eh?" Deja Dude asked. "What? I thought I had left that at home.
Anyway, it's not the gun you're looking for."
"It's still hot," Mark Johnson said. "It's been recently fired."
"My God!" Deja Dude said. "Somebody must have broken into my home,
stole my gun, shot Pointless Awards Man and placed the gun in my bag
to frame me!"
Michael sighed. "Edward?"
"Yeah, boss?"
"Go check Mr. Dude's hands."
Edward Bailey got out of his chair and went over to inspect the
suspect.
"He's got gun shot residue on his hands and on his jacket."
"Really?" Deja Dude asked.
"Yes," Edward said. "Really."
"But why would I shoot Pointless Awards Man?"
Michael smirked. "Because you were tired of losing. You wanted
this to be the year that the RACCIES didn't go ahead. So you shot
Pointless Awards Man and stole the results."
"Who? Me?" Deja Dude asked. "Steal the results?"
Mark Johnson found something else in the bag. "Look: it's all the
envelopes that Pointless Awards Man was carrying a minute ago!"
"Well, um... Oh, hey, look!" Deja Dude said.
"Nice try, Mr. Dude," Michael King said, "but we've heard that
you're a teleporter. We're not going to look away while you try to
escape."
"No, seriously," Deja Dude said. "It's Pointless Awards Man! He's
getting up!"
"Wow," Pointless Awards Man said. "What happened?"
"You were shot," John told him.
"Um... I don't think so."
"There was a gunshot and you fell."
Pointless Awards Man felt his chest. "I don't appear to be
injured."
"But there's a pool of blood on the floor."
"Ah. That must have been what I slipped and fell on. Somebody
clean this up."
Deja Dude smiled. "Well then," he said. "No victim, no crime.
Isn't that how it works?"
"Just hand me the envelopes so I can give them back to Pointless
Awards Man," Michael told him.
It only took Captain Cleanup, Squeaky Clean and Domestic Lad a few
minutes to clean up the mysterious blood pool on the stage so that
Pointless Awards Man could continue with the ceremony.
"What a night everybody, eh?" Pointless Awards Man asked. "And now
I'd like you all to imagine that the next segment has a bunch of witty
people announcing winners and those winners coming up to the podium with
clever speeches. Because if you don't imagine them, then this next
section is going to be awfully boring. Anyway, our first award tonight
is..."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
THE "HAN SOLO" MEMORIAL AWARD FOR RETURNING AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME
goes to -- Hey! It's a tie! It goes to Lalo Martins, Tony Pi, Jamie
Rosen, and the entire Superguy universe! Please come up everyone --
You've got 10 seconds to give a speech.
BEST USE OF REAL LIFE ON RACC AWARD goes to Jamas Enright's
handling of the Virginia Tech massacre in LNH Comics Presents #57!
THE "DESERVES A GEORGE PEREZ SPLASH PAGE" AWARD FOR BEST FIGHT
SCENE goes to Alt.stralian Yarns #14!
THE "ALSO CRAPPING ON GARTH ENNIS FROM A GREAT HEIGHT" AWARD goes
to Rob Rogers for providing examples of superheroes who act like heroes!
THE "!`ANDALE! !`ANDALE! !ARRIBA! !ARRIBA!" AWARD goes to Dave Van
Domelen for being the speediest person to send in his ballots!
THE "YOU'RE ALL SO WONDERFUL -- GIVE YOURSELVES A BIG PAT ON THE
BACK! YOU DESERVE IT!" AWARD goes to Everyone. No, I mean it --
Everyone! Because we're running short on time, you'll only get 5
seconds to give a speech.
THE "NO ONE DESERVES THIS AWARD" AWARD goes to No One -- you
deserve it, No One! Hmm. I guess No One couldn't make it. Oh well.
THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD -- for the favorite
RACC-related web page!
The Nominees: Dave's ASH Archives (http://www.eyrie.org/~dvandom/ASH/);
LNH wiki (http://lnh.atwiki.com/); LNH Wikipedia entry
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legion_of_Net._Heroes); Wil's Ego
(http://www.wilsego.com/racc/)
And the Winner is: Wil's Ego!
THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) -- For
that author whose works are most consistently late!
The Nominees: 'All of Superg...wait. Just some of Superguy now.'; 'Is
Anybody Really "Late" Anymore?'; Tom Russell
And the Winner is: 'All of Superg...wait. Just some of Superguy now.'!
The Image Testimonial Timepiece Award will keep its name and not be
called the "THE ULTIMATE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED)"
as the Yays to change it were 4. The Nays were 7. And the "Don't
care"s were 1.
THE JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP --
for the RACC Writer that is most sorely missed!
The Nominees: Jeff McCoskey; Marc Singer; Jennifer "Mistlock" Whitson
And the Winner is: Marc Singer!
THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP -- Awarded to the most prolific writer in
this or _any_ amateur fiction forum. We're measuring volume, folks!
The Nominees: Lalo Martins; Martin Phipps; Dave Van Domelen
And the Winner is: Lalo Martins!
FAVORITE NEW TITLE (for 2007)
The Nominees: 58.5 [LNH]; Lady Lawful And Doctor Developer [ASH];
Possum Man [LNH]
And the Winner is: Lady Lawful And Doctor Developer!
FAVORITE NEW WRITER (for 2007)
The Nominees: Andrew Burton; Frumpy
And the winner is: Andrew Burton!
MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR (for 2007)
The Nominees: Tim MUNN; Mitchell Crouch
And the Winner is: Tim Munn!
FAVORITE RUNNING GAG
The Nominees: Disappearing Leaders During Infinite April; "How hardcore
am I?"; Mr. Paprika (Now that's a Man's pop!); Turtles of Apocalyptic
Proportions
And the Winner is: Mr. Paprika (Now that's a Man's pop!)!
BEST FLAMEWAR: by thread, not instigator
The Nominees: "Is Billy the Butterfly Fly Magic Kid too silly to
exist!?"; "Superfreaks #6 compared to Encyclopedia Brown!"; "You Posted
a Story With My Characters
After I Expressly Told You Not To and Now Everything
You've Ever Written With Them Ever is Retconned
Forever!"
And the Winner is: "You Posted a Story With My Characters
After I Expressly Told You Not To and Now Everything
You've Ever Written With Them Ever is Retconned
Forever!"!
FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC
The Nominees: Saxon Brenton; Tom Russell; Dave Van Domelen
And the Winner is: Saxon Brenton!
FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE
The Nominees: Academy of Super Heroes; EightFold; Legion of Net.Heroes
And the Winner is: Legion of Net.Heroes!
FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE
The Nominees: End Of Month Reviews; Robservations; Tom Russell's
untitled long-form commentaries
And the Winner is: End Of Month Reviews!
FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING
The Nominees: Conclave of Super Villains [ASH]; Jolt City [8Fold];
LNHv2 #23 [LNH]
And the Winner is: Jolt City!
FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY
The Nominees: Alt.stralian Yarns [LNH]; Easily-Discovered Man [LNH];
New Exarchs [SG/LNH]
And the Winner is: New Exarchs!
FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER
The Nominees: Doctor Developer [ASH]; J. Random Kiwi [LNH]; Possum Man
[LNH]
And the Winner is: Doctor Developer!
FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER
The Nominees: Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy [LNH]; Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats
Lad [LNH]; WikiBoy [LNH]
And the Winner is: Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad!
FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST
The Nominees: Derek Radner/Triton [ASH]; Dr. Developer [ASH]; Serially
Numbered Underling Number Twenty-Two [SG]
And the Winner is: Derek Radner/Triton!
FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST
The Nominees: Catalyst Lass [LNH]; Doctor Developer [ASH]; WikiBoy [LNH]
And the Winner is: Doctor Developer!
FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
The Nominees: Coherent Super Stories #8 'The End Times III: Reunion'
(the death of Ladyhawke and the creation of the Barrier) [ASH]; Lady
Lawful And Doctor Developer #2 'Guess Who's Coming To Dinning? (Cameron
meets Jennifer's parents) [ASH]; LNH Comics Presents #61 (Mouse vs.
King Konqueror) [LNH]; LNH Comics Presents #501 'Outrageous Villainy'
(LNH returns from the leadership crisis and fight villains) [LNH]
And the Winner is: Lady Lawful And Doctor Developer #2!
FAVORITE ARC (OR CROSSOVER)
The Nominees: 'Infinite Leadership Crisis'(LNH Comics Presents #35-502)
[LNH]; 'Four To Never' (Academy of Super-Heroes #76-78 & Conclave of
Super-Villains #26-27) [ASH]; LNH Comics Presents #52-54 (The Mother
Time Arc) [LNH]
And the Winner is: 'Infinite Leadership Crisis'(LNH Comics Presents
#35-502)
FAVORITE MINI-SERIES (OR ONE-SHOT)
The Nominees: Beige Countdown [LNH]; Possum-Man: Relinquished [LNH];
Thunderclap [Pincity]
And the Winner is: Possum-Man: Relinquished!
FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
The Nominees: Academy Of Super-Heroes [ASH]; Easily Discovered Man
[LNH]; Lady Lawful and Doctor Developer [ASH]; New Exarchs [SG/LNH]
And the Winner is: A Tie! Easily Discovered Man, and Lady Lawful and
Doctor Developer both win!
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"And now we've come to the last award for tonight. Building Suspense
Lad? If you'll do the honors of announcing the winner?" said Pointless
Awards Man handing an envelope to BS Lad.
"Sure thing!" Building Suspense Lad said grabbing the envelope. "And
the Nominees for Favorite Writer are... Saxon Brenton..."
The camera pans toward the Limp Asparagus Lad's cast's table.
"Dave Van Domelen..."
The camera pans toward the Academy of Super Heroes's cast's table.
"Rob Rogers..."
The camera pans toward the Easily Discovered Man's cast's table.
"Tom Russell..."
The camera pans toward the Jolt City's cast's table.
"And the winner is..."
"Wait! Don't open the envelope up!" shouted a person running up the stage.
"What? Figment Lad? What are you doing here?"
"If you read that envelope -- then everyone in this room dies! So for
God's sake -- Don't read that envelope! Oh and I should also point out
that no one, but you can see me. So they'll probably just think you're
crazy if you start talking to me."
"But wait! What can I do? The crowd out there wants to know who won!
What should I do?"
"There's only one thing you can do. Run!! Run for your life!!"
And so Building Suspense Lad started to run off the stage.
"Hey!" shouted someone from the audience. "He's getting away! Stop him!"
"Goddamn! This RACCies is never going to end!! Come on people! Stop
Building Suspense Lad! Get that envelope!!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Building Suspense Lad looked back. It seemed like every single
character from every single imprint was chasing him. He had to get to
his car! And drive away from this place!
But right before he could open his car door, the LNH'r Fuzzy drop kicked
him to the ground. "Okay. Building Suspense Lad. Give me the damn
envelope.
"No, Fuzzy! Don't do it! Don't open it! Figment Lad says that if the
envelope gets opened then we're all going to die! Everyone!"
"Figment Lad?" sniffed Fuzzy. "Right." Fuzzy began to open the envelope.
"No! Please! For God's sake... Don't..."
"And the winner is..."
Oh God. Building Suspense Lad covered his eyes with his hands and
whispered a prayer.
"Another Tie! Saxon Brenton and Dave Van Domelen both win! Whoopee,"
Fuzzy said dumping the envelope on the ground.
"Are we all dead? Is this death?" Building Suspense Lad opened his eyes.
"No, idiot. We're still alive. Christ." Fuzzy lit herself a cigarette.
"But Figment Lad -- You said..."
"Well, I guess I lied," shrugged Figment Lad. "When you don't exist,
life starts to become pretty boring. And some times you just make stuff
up and well, you know... Well, guess that ends another RACCies. Go
home, everyone. Bye!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
14th Annual RACCie Winners:
RACC1. Favorite Writer: Saxon Brenton and Dave Van Domelen (tie)
RACC2. Favorite Ongoing Series: Easily Discovered Man, and Lady
Lawful and Doctor Developer (tie)
RACC3. Favorite Mini-Series: Possum-Man: Relinquished
RACC4. Favorite Arc: 'Infinite Leadership Crisis'(LNH Comics
Presents #35-502)
RACC5. Favorite Single Issue: Lady Lawful And Doctor Developer #2
RACC6. Favorite Hero/Protagonist: Doctor Developer
RACC7. Favorite Villain/Antagonist: Derek Radner/Triton
RACC8. Favorite Supporting Character: Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad
RACC9. Favorite New Character: Doctor Developer
RACC10. Favorite Parody/Comedy: New Exarchs
RACC11. Favorite Acraphobe/Adult Offering: Jolt City
RACC12. Favorite Review Title: End of Month Reviews
RACC13. Favorite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes
RACC14. Favorite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton
RACC15. Best Flamewar: "You Posted a Story With My Characters
After I Expressly Told You Not To and Now Everything
You've Ever Written With Them Ever is Retconned
Forever!"!
RACC16. Favorite Running Gag: Mr. Paprika (Now that's a Man's pop!)
RACC17. Most Improved Author: Tim Munn
RACC18. Favorite New Writer: Andrew Burton
RACC19. Favorite New Title: Lady Lawful And Doctor Developer
The Rabbit-Breeders Cup: Lalo Martins
The Little Johnny Sako 'Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back' Loving
Cup: Marc Singer
The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): All of
Superg...wait. Just some of Superguy now.
The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award: RACC at Wil's Ego
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
And somewhere up in Heaven a dog looks down...
A cool looking dog wearing a trenchcoat, sunglasses, a gold necklace, a
tenor saxophone, and a halo above his head with angel wings growing out
of his back
The dog looks down at the RACCies ceremony.
"Damn. Robbed Again." Dr. Cool J Dog shakes his head.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
And in a dingy cafe...
A person in a gorilla suit sits in a dark corner plotting.
"Once again the RACCies lives! But not forever! Next Year will be the
Last One! Or my name's not --" The person in the gorilla suit pauses
as if to savor the next words out of his lips. "Archer Sloane!!!!
Muahahhahahhahahahahahahaha!!!!!! *Hack* *Cough*! Damn this stupid
gorilla mask! Can't seem to get it off. Hell. Man, I need a drink."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Special Thanks to Martin for writing a big chunk of this and...
And be sure to hit the After RACCies Party at the LNH webcomic!
http://www.webcomicsnation.com/arspitzer/lnhwebcomic/series.php
Arthur "Congratulations to the winners!" Spitzer
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