LNH: Beige Countdown #11: 'Knight to Bishop to King'

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Oct 30 07:47:24 PDT 2007

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Second attempt to post this:

[Note for Readers: This is the second issue.  #12 is the first issue.]

[Cover:  A Beige Tower grows out of a chessboard.  Chess pieces shaped 
like Irony Man, Ultimate Ninja, and Hex Luthor surround the tower.]

                             [B  E  I  G  E]
                                   1 2
                [C  O  U  N  T   # 1 1    D  O  W  N  !]
                                   1 0

Story by Lalo Martins, Martin Phipps, and Arthur Spitzer




"It was just a story, man.  Just a story!"

The voice came from some long-haired slacker type dude in his early 
thirties who wore a backwards 'Net.ropolis Ninjas' baseball cap on his 
head and a 'Bad Hair Century' T-shirt over his body whose name was Dick 
Hey.  Sweat drizzled down his head and his hands and knees trembled.  A 
dozen FBI agents pointing guns at him were probably the reason why. 
Next to him was his chubby roommate Dizzy Collar who was munching on a 
bag of wReam-Os (which are... well actually I haven't the faintest clue 
what a wReam-O is... doesn't sound too healthy though) in between sips 
of Mr. Paprika X-treme! (Now that's an X-Treme Persons Pop!).

"Look.  Let me just explain.  You see -- I'm a writer.  Well, okay, 
'amateur' writer.  And I write for this kind of shared universe thingee 
called the Teenage Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet Net.Force Universe. 
  You see -- me and some friends of mine on the Internet back in -- I 
dunno -- '92 maybe?  Well, we were goofing around and stuff -- posting 
nonsense and this story formed.  And more people started writing on it 
-- some from other countries -- and well, it all started to get crazy. 
And it was fun at first.  But you know these things.  They sort of drag 
on and drag on.  You can do this stuff when you're in your twenties, but 
when you get into your thirties -- well, it starts to become a hassle. 
And it's not like you're getting paid.  And, look, how many stories 
about Teenage Vampires who have Disco Powers who work for the government 
when they're not singing in a barbershop quartet and fighting crime can 
you really tell?  I mean really?  I mean, Jesus."

"So all of the writers, I mean me and the writers -- we all decided to, 
you know, end it.  Kill all of the characters off -- in this big 
crossover thingee.  So we could move on with our lives.  That's all we 
wanted to do.  Give the Teenage Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet 
Net.Force Universe one last big sendoff.  That's all we wanted!  But how 
do you do that?  Kill a Universe?  I'm not sure who came up with the 
idea, but -- I guess it doesn't really matter.  We all agreed to it. 
And so we came up with the Tower.  A Beige Clock Tower that brought 
Death and Destruction.  A tower that rose and rose.  When the clock hand 
reached twelve two horrible God like beings would kill everything.  But 
there was more to it.  You see, we had this clever idea.  In the story, 
the tower was created by a fictional group of amateur writers who were 
writing a story that would end the fictional ahared universe they 
created.  Sort of a meta-fiction thingee.  And in the story, the tower 
breaks through the first wall.  Hmm.  I guess I should probably explain 
the walls.  You see, in the Teenage Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet 
Net.Force Universe sometimes the writers interact with the characters. 
The writers are kind of like gods.  We can do anything we want."

"Yeah, man," interrupted Dick's roommate Dizzy.  "We could even stare at 
our characters while they're having sex or going to the bathroom."  The 
FBI agents shifted their attention and guns towards Dizzy.  "Umm.  Not 
that we'd ever, like, do that, man.  I mean that's perverted.  Nope! 
Honest!  I've never done that!  Never.  Really!  Okay, maybe once, but..."

Dick sighed to himself and continued his story.  "There's this thing we 
call the 'Third Wall'.  It's a wall that separates us from our 
characters.  In a lot of our stories there's a whole lot of 'Third Wall' 
breaking.  And we play God in these stories.  I mean, who hasn't wanted 
to be God?  Just once.  To do anything you want.  So, getting back to 
the story -- In the story the tower breaks through the 'First Wall' and 
destroys that Universe.  Then it keeps growing till it breaks through 
the 'Second Wall'.  And it kills that Universe.  And the tower keeps 
growing.  It was just a story.  Some stupid story.  And in our story, 
the tower breaks through -- the 'Third Wall' and goes into our Universe. 
  It was just a story.  How were we supposed to know that it would come 
true?  God.  We created it.  It was just some stupid story.  And now? 
It's going to kill us all.  Nothing can stop it.  Nothing.  This can't 
be happening.  It just can't."  Dick buried his head into his arms.

"Is this the story?" said a man in a metallic suit of golden armor 
thumbing through a printout.  A man called Irony Man.

"Yeah, dude," replied Dizzy.  "You might also need to read Dr. 
Doesn't-Wear-Underwear-On-Fridays #258 and Gandhi's Magic Mustache Comb 
#79 to fully comprehend it.  And you probably need to smoke a couple of 
joints to get Gandhi's Magic Mustache Comb #79.  But, yeah, that's the 
baby.  You know, now that I think about it we made a big mistake. 
Instead of a tower, it should have been like a horde of naked horny 
super models who sexed our Universe to death.  Man!  That would have 
been awesome!  Oh well.  Save that idea for the next crossover."

"Oh Jesus.  Are we going to -- Are we going to jail for this?  It was 
just a story."

Irony Man didn't answer.  He just stared at the pages entitled 'The Last 
Teenage Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet Net.Force Story Ever!'  Every 
word he read felt like an icicle crawling through his spine.

"It was just a story."



                        'Knight to Bishop to King'


"Drink, sir?"

Irony Man, unarmored in his civilian clothes as multi-billionaire Toony 
Stork, turned his head towards the cute 20 something girl dressed in a 
lingerie French maid type outfit carrying around a platter filled with 
beverages.  "Oh, what the heck," Irony Man said grinning as he grabbed a 
glass of wine.  "Thanks."  The serving girl smiled back as she continued 
on her way.  Irony Man took a long examination of her while sipping his 
glass as she walked away.  "I think I know why you enjoy coming here, Hex."

Hexadecimal Luthor, leader of the Free World, raised his eyebrows 
slightly.  "Just frosting, Toony -- for the uninitiated rabble.  No, 
Toony.  It is what's beneath the surface -- deep inside -- that's why I 
come here.  Come.  Come witness the mysteries and secrets of the HexFire 
Club.  See the flame that burns destiny's tomorrows.  Walk this way."

"Hmm.  The HexFire Club.  Didn't it used to have some other name -- 
The... Hmm... Don't remember what it was."

"Other name?" Hex Luthor scowled slightly.  "No.  It's always been 
called the HexFire Club.  And it will always be called the HexFire Club. 
  It was my great-great-great grandfather Hexagonius Empedocles Luthor 
who founded the club back in 1892.  A place for the great leaders of the 
city to envision a new order.  A way of improving civilization and make 
a nice profit out of it."  Hex stopped near a door and opened it.  "Come 

The first thing Irony Man saw when he went inside the room was the 
Ultimate Ninja next to a large billiards table batting an eight ball 
between his hands.  "How disappointing.  I had such faith in you, Irony 
Man.  And now you betray me and all of your friends in the LNH.  You 
have sold us all out.  Why?  Why have you done this?"

Irony Man stepped back with a shocked look on his face.  "I didn't mean 
-- I mean this is just a mistake, Ultimate Ninja.  You've got the wrong 
picture here -- I'm not..."

The Ultimate Ninja laughed.  "Just kidding, Irony Man.  I'm not really 
the Ultimate Ninja.  Bet I had you going, didn't I?"

Irony Man looked at Hex Luthor's smiling face.  "Oh, I get it.  Christ. 
  You really had me going for a second, Hex.  You almost gave me heart 
attack.  Funny gag."

"It's more than a gag, Toony.  This is an important person in my inner 
circle.  Meet the Ebony Bishop of the HexFire Club."

"You have an Ultimate Ninja impersonator for your Bishop?  Umm... okay."

"No, he didn't always look like this. I'm sure you would know this man 
by his older face -- back when he was called -- wReamicus Maximus."

A brief second after Irony Man heard the name he leaped towards the pool 
cue stand and grabbed a stick and went into a defensive postion.  "What 
the hell is going on here, Hex?  Is this really wReamicus Maximus??!"

"Easy, Toony.  We don't want any bloodshed.  I just had the carpet done 
in this room.  Perhaps, wReamicus, you should explain this."

"Sure thing, Hexy.  I guess we better put on some Funky Flashback music."




   "wReamy dear?"

   "Yes?  What is it?"

   "What's this I hear about you booking a hotel room?"

   "Oh.  That."

   "Was it supposed to be a surprise?"

   "Sort of."

   "Oh, wReamy, how romantic!"

   "It's not what you think."

   "Oh.  I see.  So who is she?"

   "Who is who?"

   "This woman you are seeing."

   "What woman?  I'm not seeing any woman."

   "Don't give me that!  I heard a rumour that you got a girl pregnant."

   "So I did."

   "Oh wReamy!  How could you?!"

   "It's not what you think."

   "Do you love her?"

   "Love her?  No!  She's just a surrogate!"


   "She was carrying the clone of Ultimate Ninja."

   "A clone of Ultimate Ninja?"

   wReamicus nodded.  "I had her implanted with an embryo containing 
Ultimate Ninja's DNA.  Then when the embryo had reached the fetal stage 
I had it removed and incubated and subjected to rapid growth hormones."

   "That's not what I heard."

   "Of course not!  That she was carrying my love child was a cover 
story!  Had anybody told that I was making an Ultimate Ninja clone then 
I would have had them summarily killed."

   "Mmm.  That does sound like you.  But why would you want a clone of 
the Ultimate Ninja?"

   wReamicus Maximus smiled.  "I am going to switch our brains."

   "What?  Can they do that?"


   "I mean, is it safe?"

   "The monkeys they tested the procedure on seemed to survive no worse 
for wear."

   "Okay.  But why would you want to switch brains with the Ultimate 
Ninja?  I mean, is he even handsome?"

   "He's said to be."

   "By who exactly?  I mean he always wears a mask."

   "You let me know next week."

   "Next week?"

   "Yes.  I'm having the procedure done this weekend."

   "Okay.  And if I don't like what I see then will you switch back?"

   "Oh, sorry, no can do.  You see, I'm going to have this body killed."


   "It's all part of my plan to fake my own death and make it look like 
the Ultimate Ninja did it.  Which, by the way, is why I'm renting the 
hotel room for the following weekend.  You see, I want me as Ultimate 
Ninja to be spotted going in and out of the hotel room on the night this 
body is killed.  With any luck I'll be spotted on the hotel security 
cameras too.  Ha ha ha ha!"


   "Okay?  Okay?!  It's absolutely brilliant!"

   "I just thought that, you know, this might be the sort of thing we 
might discuss as a couple."

   wReamicus Maximus rolled his eyes.  "Isn't that what we just did?"


"And that's how we all became -- The Brady Bunch.  End of Flashback. 
Any questions?" wReamicus Maximus said while balancing three pool balls 
with his nose.

"This is insane, Hex!  We can't work with wReamicus Maximus!  The man is 
completely nuts and evil!  I battled him during Retcon Hour!  He wanted 
to destroy all of continuity and turn the entire Looniverse into an 
incoherent wasteland!!"

"Please, Irony Man," wReamicus Maximus said shaking his head in a 
sympathetic manner.  "That guy you're talking about doesn't exist 
anymore.  The pre-Birth of a Villain incarnation of me?  Totally 
retconned away into oblivion.  Honest!  Me?  I'm just in this for Peace, 
Love, and Understanding.  And spreading the good word about the One True 
Dave.  Have you heard the good word?  How Dave died for all of our sins 
and then came back to life so he could write Dvandom Force?  Honest! 
And, oh, did I mention my Nobel Peace Prize?"

Hex Luthor pulled Irony Man to a side of the room for a private 
conversation.  "Look, Toony.  I'm not an idiot.  I know that wReamicus 
is dangerous.  But he's under control.  And he's necessary for our plan. 
  I don't like to have all of my eggs in one basket.  While I'd prefer 
it be you that won the LNH leadership position, there's always the 
chance that it won't happen.  But under my plan it won't matter who wins 
the title.  I win no matter who wins.  That's how I've gotten as far as 
I have, Toony.  Now I want you at my side, Toony, because you and me we 
understand how everything works.  We both want to win and save the 
world.  But I'm going to win with or without you.  And if it's without 
you, well, I wouldn't want to be in that position.  wReamicus Maximus 
doesn't matter, Toony.  It's our plan that matters.  And you know that 
it's the right plan, Toony.  And the world can't afford it failing.  So, 
Toony.  What's it going to be?  Are you going to win?  Or are you going 
to lose?"

"I want to win."

"Good.  I was afraid I was going to have to something -- unpleasant.  So 
do you still want to be the Beige Knight?"

"The Beige Knight?  Does it have to be that color?"

"It's just a coincidence, Toony.  The title is as old as the club.  I 
mean my title is Beige King.  As for a different color -- we already 
have an Ebony Knight.  The color is just a meaningless coincidence, 
Toony.  I wouldn't think more about it.  The title is important though. 
  As Knight you'd have all kinds of access to business and government 
agencies.  Money can't buy the access you would get.  All the secrets 
and mysteries of the Looniverse would be at your fingertips.  So are you 
ready to become the Beige Knight?"

"I...  Yes.  I am."

"Good.  Then let's go into the inner sactum."  Hex pressed a button on 
an old grandfather clock in the billiards room.  A secret panel opened 
up revealing a flight of stairs swallowed by darkness.  "Come.  See the 
Secret Empire that makes the World run."


Fearless Leader had been at the computers in the Command Center for most 
of the day.  He wanted to be up-to-date about ALL current members, and 
everything that happened since the first of Infinite April.

The lines were beginning to melt, and the files to blend into each 
other; he could feel another Beige Midnight nightmare stalking the edges 
of his consciousness, waiting for him to fall asleep.  But his 
determination was unwavering, and wReamHack's coffee was a whole new 
type of power.

"Wait, wait.  This can't be right.  They haven't?"  He pressed a button. 
  "wReamHack?"  The other Legionnaire popped his head through the door 
in a few moment's notice, a coffee pot in his hand.

"'Sup?  Need more already?"

"No no.  I mean, I do, but that wasn't it.  Sit down, go through this 
with me."

"Sure," said the master of binary poetry, sitting down and pouring the 
almost-sentient alkaloid beverage into a pair of mugs.  "Go through what?"

"It says here, Deductive Logic Man and No Sense of Direction Man were 
never selected as leaders, and have never been taken by Bart."

"That is correct.  They were away looking for Ultimate Ninja.  Deductive 
Logic Man told me maybe Bart was afraid that if he saw that future, he'd 
deduce some way to avoid it.  Whereas No Sense of Direction Man would 
probably get lost on the way there..."

"Right, right," Fearless Leader said, waving his hand dismissively.  "It 
doesn't matter so much to me why they didn't.  But they did spend most 
of Infinite April searching for Ultimate Ninja."

"No Sense of Direction Man did.  Deductive Logic Man was put on the job 
a few weeks later, when Innovative Offense Boy was leader."

"That's still more than half the month."

"Whatever.  Your point being?"

"The rumors go... from people who spoke to them after they returned... 
that they found SOMETHING while they were on this quest."

"I've heard that."

"But it's not in the logs," he said, pointing to the computer.  "It's 
not here anywhere.  And now they're gone again.  The same two, assigned 
to find Bart and his cult."

"Well, you'd figure they got good at working together."

"Maybe.  Or maybe they did find something, and the Ultimate Ninja wants 
them away so that they don't reveal it?"

wReamHack seemed uneasy.  "It's a theory.  But why the blazes are you 
telling ME this, of all people?"

"You know pretty much everything that goes on around here.  I wanted to 
run the idea by you before taking it to Cat and Irony Man."

The hacker shifted in his chair uncomfortably more than once before 
responding.  "Look.  In principle, my loyalty is with the Ninja.  We 
have a history, and apart from that, he's been leading us for years and 
never let me down.  That said... I won't say it smells fishy, but, well, 
maybe it deserves an investigation, just so you can be sure it's not 

"Yeah", Fearless Leader said, getting up.  "I'll take this to the 
Triumvirate."  And he downed his mug full of coffee in one go. 
wReamHack tried to reach to him and stop him, but too late.  His eyes 
popped open and he started to shake and sweat.  "Ooo.  I don't feel so 

"Dood, not even Insomnia Boy downs a whole mug of this thing in one go."

"Aaaaand now you tetetell me."


"This seems a bit crazy," said Cannon Fodder.  "Why would your friends 
come to Net.ropolis, of all places?"

"To fix the Mystic Bandwagon," said Green.  They were in the "Newman & 
Roddenberry Junkyard," in the port district, looking for clues.  Fodder 
searched for prints, feathers, food wrappings, and other kinds of clues 
with a Corder.Thingie, while Green was chatting with the insects.  "If 
the Mystic Bandwagon would require repairs, they would need some pretty 
esoteric equipment.  It can be bought with money, like we did in Los 
Angeles thanks to California Kid's dad.  But that would raise a lot of 
flags.  So we're betting they'd go to a place where they could just find 
the stuff they needed."

"Like a junkyard?"

"Don't be fooled.  This place was the command center for the Geekobots 
for about thirty years, and home to one of them for most of that time. 
It's also where Bandwagon Chick first met them."

"The Geekobots.  Yeah.  Whatever, I don't think they've been here", he 
says, turning off his Corder.thingie.

"I haven't found any traces either," said Green, with a sigh.  "Another 
dead end.  Let's hope the others have more luck tracking down Mother Time."

They left the warehouse... to find a large crowd surrounding their 

"Look", said a dock worker in the crowd.  "I told you."

"It's one of those New Misfits," said someone else.  "I remember them 
from TV."

"My son was in STUFF.org, you murderous monster!"

Cannon Fodder stood in front of Green protectively.  "All right, we feel 
for your loss.  But Tree-Hugging Kid wasn't there.  She's been with the 
LNH for weeks..."

"She?  But it's a boy!"

"No it isn't," said someone else, doubtful.

"Is this another of those filthy 'alternate sexuality' things?" yelled 
another person.

"Since when is the LNH harboring criminals?" asked a woman next to them.

"Look, calm down..."

Too late.  A brick from the crowd hit Green right in the head, and more 
objects were flying.

.o(Damn), thought Fodder.  .o(If I pull my Big Guns, it will get worse. 
  But if I don't, she's dead.)  He got a heavy pipe in his chest, and 
that helped him make the decision.  He pulled the Big Gun.

"He's got a gun!  He's going to kill us all!"

And that was the last thing he heard before waking up in the Peril Room.


The LNH Meeting Room was filled with senior members of the LNH (and some 
members who weren't exactly senior or of any type of rank for snappy 
banter type comments).  The members of the triumvirate Irony Man, 
Fearless Leader, and Catalyst Lass and the former LNH Leader Ultimate 
Ninja were the most prominent.

"So these two guys, Dick Hey and Dizzy Collar, are responsible for the 
Beige Clock Tower?  And it came from some fanfiction story?  Is this 
right, Irony Man?"  Fearless Leader said with a taken aback expression 
on his face.

"I know.  It sounds crazy, but the story they wrote was posted on the 
Net before the clock tower came into existence.  It could be just some 
strange coincidence, just like there names seem to be bad puns of Dekay 
and Diskolor, but -- I thought we should give this thing a thorough look 
at.  Dr. Stomper and Occultism Kid are doing a bunch of tests on them 
and the story."

Fearless Leader nodded.  "Anything else you have for us?"

Irony Man smiled slightly.  "Well, nothing you need to know about."

"Right.  What else do we need to talk about?  We've already gone through 
the whole innocent bystander riot that happened today.  Oh.  I've got an 
idea about what Bart might be up to now.  It's not definitive.  And the 
source I got this info from is a very suspect source.  But still -- you 
guys probably need to know.  According to my source -- Mynabird and Bart 
have teamed up and are now with a number of other supervillains flying 
to this place called 'The Ultimate Blackhole'.  It's some kind of prison 
in space that is supposedly filled with the most dangerous criminals in 
the entire Looniverse.  And Bart and this team of supervillains is going 
to free them."

"The Ultimate Blackhole?!" boomed Kid Kirby's voice.

"Yes.  You've heard of this place, Kid Kirby?"

"I fear I have.  It is billions of light years from us.  The menaces 
that are locked away in that dungeon are Legend!  What I have heard of 
that place even chills the Kirbian's bones!"

"My source said that they've already left and will reach the prison in a 
month.  Do you think it's possible for them to break the prison open, 
Kid Kirby?"

"Possible?  Who is to say what is possible and what is impossible?  Nay! 
  The Dark Gods buried in that Grand Abyss must stay buried!  For if 
they should ever be free then woe is the fate of mankind!  We must stop 
them from reaching the Cage that Swallows Galaxies, Fearless Leader!"

"But our fastest ship would take a month to get there also!" piped in 
Parking Karma Kid.  "We're already too late!"

"Maybe not," Contraption Man said.  "If we traveled back into the past 
we could start our journey before Bart does and get to them before they 
get to the 'Hole'."

"Good idea Contraption Man.  But who's going to lead this mission?" 
Fearless Leader said looking at his fellow teammates.

"I will."  It was the Ultimate Ninja's voice.

"Umm, UN?" Irony Man coughed.  "Should I remind you that your conditions 
of release specifically say that you're not allowed to leave the city of 
Net.ropolis?  I mean -- you've got an ankle bracelet on you!  You can't 
go into space without violating it!  And if you do that I'll lose quite 
a bit of money.  Not to mention that you'll be put in jail again when 
you come back!"

"I'll pay you back.  And if what Fearless Leader is saying is true, then 
you'll need the best you've got on this mission.  And I'm the best.  I 
don't think there's anything more to discuss."

"We should probably take a vote on it though.  Catalyst Lass?  Irony 
Man?  Raise your hands for UN as mission leader."  Fearless Leader 
raised his hand.

"Works for me," Catalyst Lass said raising her hand.

Irony Man sighed and reluctantly raised his hand also.


"Whoah!  What is this spooky looking thing?  Some kind half 
octopus-armadillo-Dick Cheney type creature?" said Dizzy Collar shaking 
a black carved wooden statue of the Demon-God Juhalopkhxiixs.

Occultism Kid quickly snatched the statue from his hands and placed it 
back on one of his shelves.  "Don't.  Touch.  Anything.  Just sit down. 
  This will only take a little while.  I just want to run some mystical 
tests on you and the story you wrote."

"Then you should probably do the tests on Dick.  He's the writer.  I'm 
more the ideas man.  Say, does this place have any beer?"

"Just sit down.  I'll do the test on both of you.  And afterwards we can 
hit by Frat Boy's place.  He'll probably have some kind of alcoholic 
beverage.  Now before I start, I'm going to ask you some questions. 
First question:  Have you or a relative of yours ever sold a soul to a 
demon?  And if so what did you..."  But before Occultism Kid could 
continue with his inquiry a blast of light flashed into his room.  A man 
wearing a clean Black Sears Trenchcoat, Black Fedora, Black Jeans (well, 
kinda ÿÿgrey after the last few times thru the dryer), Black Rockport 
Walking Shoes, Black Suicide Squid T-Shirt, Grey socks (originally 
grey), and Wraparound Black ÿÿShades over really thick glasses.  The man 
carried an Editorial Staff made of Ebon Unobtainium.  The top part of 
was made from the remains of the Dvandom Dial.

"Occultism Kid!  I come to you with warning.  You must not seek the Book 
of Deus ex Machinas!"

"Umm, and hi to you Dave..." Occultism Kid said a bit startled glancing 
at two rainbow colored marbles that were spinning in a rapid fashion.

"Once I would have exchanged pleasantries with you while discussing the 
lighter side of necromancy, but now -- I must remain a..."

"Yeah, I know.  Look, Dave, I do have a question for you," Occultism Kid 
said casually grabbing a golden talisman with a ruby center off his 
desk, "And that is -- REVEAL YOUR SELF!!"  A beam shot from the talisman 
and burned away the illusion that concealed the pretend Dvandom Stranger 
revealing the identity of Bart the Dark Receptionist.

"Whoahh!  That was wicked cool!" shouted Dizzy.  The other normal in the 
room, Dick Hey, looked like he was ready to wet himself.

"Bart!"  Occultism Kid started chanting some other spell.  "There.  It's 
done.  No one can get out of this room.  I've put a containment spell 
over it."

"Really?  Oh, btw, how did you guess it was me?"

"I have various detectors around the room that warn me if the Ring of 
Retconn, Insanity Gems, or Editorial Staff are in the LNHHQ."

"Ah, the marbles, right?  And as for trapping me, I believe I'm a bit 
too powerful for any of your dinky little spells to contain me.  Of 
course I might need to kill you and these two normals in order to break 
your spell, but -- well you gotta do what you gotta do."

"You don't have to do this, Bart.  It's not too late.  You can come back 
to our side.  You can help us stop the Bryttle Brothers.  It's not too 
late.  Please."

"Right.  It could be like old times.  Me getting coffee for you guys. 
Me typing all your wonderful vapid thoughts.  But you know -- I think 
I'd rather be King of my own little planet.  Thanks for the offer.  Too 
late though.  Much too late.  So, you gonna free me from this 
containment spell or do I have to start killing people?"

Occultism Kid chanted some more arcane words.  "I lifted the spell. 
You're free, Bart.  For now."

"Oh, and Occultism Kid.  About the whole Book of Deus ex Machinas.  It's 
not going to do you any good.  So look for it if you want.  And a word 
of warning.  It will probably destroy you.  Heh.  So good luck finding 
the book.  That's all I have to say.  Adios Amigos!"

Bart flashed away leaving Occultism Kid to wonder what Bart meant.


"The last mention I could find about the Book of Deus ex Machinas was a 
great battle that the Golden Age Net.Trenchcoat Brigade had back in the 
1950s.  According to it, the book was destroyed.  That's all I could 
find, Occultism Kid."  A gorilla wearing a very black trenchcoat covered 
with silver pins handed Occultism Kid a book.

"Thanks, Gothic Gorilla.  I don't think it was destroyed though.  Bart 
seemed to be worried that I'd find it.  It must be out there somewhere. 
  But this will give me an idea where to start looking."  Occultism Kid 
casually flipped through the book.

"Perhaps."  The Gothic Gorilla glanced outside the window.  "The tower's 
growing.  None of my spells seem to effect it."

"None of mine, either.  Everything that touches it seems to decay. 
Whether it's magic or science.  But right now it's the least of our 
troubles.  God.  Everything is going crazy out there.  Every bad guy who 
has ever had a grudge against LNH seems to popping back up.  The 
innocent bystanders seem to be rioting every day.  Cults springing up to 
worship the tower.  Masses of people committing suicide.  Did you see 
that group of people who all rushed up to the tower like lemmings?  Insane."

"Well, hopefully you can find the book.  Looks like we're going to need 
all of the Deus ex Machinas we can get.  Mind if I turn on the TV?  Bout 
time for the news."  Occultism gave the Gothic Gorilla a nod.  The 
gorilla clicked his remote.

"Great.  Another Hex Luthor press conference.  And surprise-surprise 
looks like Irony Man is right by his side.  Hmm.  Who's the third guy? 
He looks -- Oh God."  Occultism Kid looked over at Gothic Gorilla who 
was just as shocked.

The Gothic Gorilla just gaped at the screen.  "It can't be.  My God!  Is 
it -- Is it really...?"


Three men stood next to a podium.

The first man was the armored hero called Irony Man.

The man next to him was the President of the Loonited States of 
Ame.racc.a.  Hexidecimal Luthor.

And the third man wore a superhero costume.  The colors of the suit were 
Red, White, and Black.  A long time ago the Black had been Blue.  In one 
hand he had a hula hoop.  A Black Hula Hoop.  And in the other hand he 
had a gun.  A Black Gun.  And on his belt he had a Canteen.  A Black 

And the third man's face was the face of a dead man.  A man who had 
sacrificed his life to save the Looniverse.  A man called -- The 
Ultimate Savior.

"Yes.  I'm back," said the third man with a smile on his face.  The 
crowd of reporters cheered.

"I'd like to give my thanks to Irony Man and President Luthor.  They 
were the ones who helped bring me back to life.  So give them a hand 
everyone."  The crowd cheered some more.

"We live in dark times.  And it's going to get darker still.  But I'm 
here to help you now.  And I'm going to do it as a member of the LNH.  I 
know.  The LNH used to be my biggest rival.  But now they're the ones 
who are going to save us.  And I ask all of the heroes out there who 
aren't with the LNH to join with us -- including old members of my 
Saviors of the Net group.  We're going to need all of your help if we're 
going to win this up coming battle."

"And I know that the LNH is having an election.  I hope for theirs and 
our sakes that they choose Irony Man for their leader.  I believe his 
leadership and understanding of the problems we face will help us 
triumph over the upcoming crisis that we're going to have to deal with."

"Our greatest struggle is about to begin.  But together we can face it. 
  Together we can fight it.  And together we can stand victorious and 
pave the way for a great new world.  A world where everyone is a 
superhero.  Where everyone is great.  Where our dreams blaze like the sun."

"I thank you for listening to me.  And now -- I've got to go.  There's a 
world that needs saving -- And it's been needing it for far too long." 
One second the third man was standing on the stage.  The next -- he 
burst off the stage rocketing into the sky till he disappeared from view.

Hex Luthor took over the microphone.  "And that -- Was the Ultimate 
Savior.  Give him a hand people."

And the people cheered and cheered and cheered.

And Hex Luthor smiled and waved to the cameras.



Description of the Dvandom Stranger stolen from the NTB roster entry by 
Dave Van Domelen

Beige Clock idea from Lalo Martins...

Credit format stolen from Rob Rogers LNHCP #501...


     Cannon Fodder, wReam Hacker, and Ultimate Ninja
     .... wReam

     Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba

     Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser

     Contraption Man.... Drizzt

     Fearless Leader.... Dave Van Domelen

     Green and the New Misfits.... Lalo Martins

     Irony Man.... Doug Moran

     Kid Kirby.... Jameel Al Khavitz

     Occultism Kid.... Josh Geurick

     Parking Karma Kid.... Steve Simmons

     Ultimate Savior, Gothic Gorilla, Dick Hey, and Dizzy
     Collar.... Arthur Spitzer


     Bart the Dark Receptionist.... Ken Schmidt

     Hexidecimal Luthor.... Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton

     wReamicus Maximus.... wReam

Arthur's Notes:

Not sure when the next issue will be out, but #7 might appear before #10...

Arthur "Finally." Spitzer

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