LNH: A Beige Countdown Special -- "Debate This!"
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Mon Oct 15 19:24:24 PDT 2007
A Beige Countdown Special
"Welcome, everyone. As President of Dave Thomas Deluxe University I'd
like to thank all of the candidates running for the LNH Leader position
for being kind enough to show up to this debate. And audience members?
Please, if you have rotten vegetables with you -- Please, do not throw
them -- unless you feel it's absolutely necessary. And also before I
start the show, I'd like to thank Mr. Paprika for sponsoring this
debate." The President took out a can from one of his pockets and held
it up so everyone could see it. And then he popped the top, and took a
large gulp. "Man, now that's a debaters pop! Okay, then. I guess we
need to begin this. I'd like to introduce to you the..."
Suddenly, a man rushed up to the stage where the President was and
handed him a paper. "I'm sorry folks," the President said after reading
the paper. "It appears our scheduled moderator, Pointless Debate
Questions Man was retconned out of existence at the last minute. But
have no fear folks. We do have a replacement that I'm sure will in more
ways than one make up for this. Without further ado, I'd like to
introduce to you the One. The Only." The President gave a dramatic
pause as he raised both of his hands high up into the air. Suddenly, a
man on a motorcycle roared up onto the stage. A man wearing a star
spangled helmet over his head. As the mysterious motorcyclist raised
the helmet from his head fireworks burst off the stage. And the face
that was revealed with the helmet completely off was that of...
The crowd hooted and hollered. And MacLaughlin Man pumped his fists
into the air. All of the LNH'rs on the debate platform on the other
hand looked thoroughly appalled.
"No!" The Ultimate Ninja slammed his hand on his podium. "This is
*Unacceptable*. There is no way I would have agreed to this if I... No.
I refuse. I refuse to do this. I am not doing this."
"Yeah, I know 'Ultimate' Ninja. You're too scared to answer my
hard-hitting questions so naturally the only thing you can really do is
run with your tail between your legs. It's all right. You can go. No
one will think less of you. I mean, really, it's not like you can get
any lesser. Can you?"
The Ultimate Ninja gave MacLaughlin Man a deathly stare and then he
pointed his index finger at MacLaughlin Man. "One. One Wrong Question.
That's all you can Afford. One."
"Right. Death Threat duly noted. Hmm." MacLaughlin Man thumbed
through the index cards in his hand. "Okay. Let's get this retarded
thing over with. Let's -- begin -- with. You!" said MacLaughlin Man
pointing straight at Irony Man.
"Okay, Irony Man. Your employer, Toony Stark is well known for making
tons of money off of the misery and misfortune of others. The question
I ask you is, Do *You* ever feel guilty for taking a paycheck from such
a horrible amoral corporate monster?"
"I -- uh No. I mean Yes. Wait. Is this a trick question?"
"Next Question. To the LNH'r called," MacLaughlin Man chuckled to
himself, "Fearless Leader. Okay. There are these two trains. One of
the trains is headed for a helpless tied-up America bound on the track.
The other for a helpless tied-up God on the other track. So my
question is, Who do you save? God or America? And you can only save one!"
Fearless Leader pondered the question for a bit. "I'd guess I'd say,
"So, After all of the things God has done for you. Created the
Universe. Created You. This is how you pay him back? When he needs
your help the most, you just let him get run over by a train? Are you
listening to this people?"
"No, wait... I mean God's supposed to be omnipotent and I mean..."
"Oh, I think we all know what you mean, Mister "God Can Go Screw
Himself!" Next Question. Ah, Catalyst Lass! Okay. The question I
would like to ask you is, How can you assure the American people that
your tenure as LNH Leader won't be as disastrous as Katie Couric's
attempt to do the CBS Evening News?"
"Disastrous? I'm not sure what you mean. I thought everyone liked
Katie. I think what she's doing is great! She's one of my biggest role
"I rest my case. Next question. Master Blaster. Heh." MacLaughlin
Man fumbled through his index cards until he found a question he liked.
"Okay. There are three trains. The first train is 56 miles away from
Net.ropolis accelerating at a speed of 2 miles a minute filled with 150
tons of explosives. The second train is 68 kilometers away from
Net.ropolis accelerating at twice the speed of the first train and
filled with (2/3) of the explosives of the third train. The third train
is half the combined first two trains miles away from Net.ropolis and is
accelerating at a speed that is a third of the first two trains and half
the explosives that the first train has. My question is, which train
should you stop first?"
"Jesus Christ!" Master Blaster's head looked like it was ready to
explode. "No one told me there was going to be Math! I mean, Jesus!
This is not happening." Master Blaster leaned over to where WikiBoy was
standing and whispered in his ear. "Psst. you gotta help me. you know
the answer! gimme it!"
"I'm sorry, but other debaters are not allowed to help the questioned
debater with the answer. And for helping Master Blaster, you lose your
"But I didn't..." WikiBoy protested. And then sighed to himself. Such
was his life.
"Next question. J. Random Kiwi. What is the maximum amount of Tijuana
hookers you can get for $3678 and a kilo of pot?"
"Oh, sure. Give him the easy question!" Master Blaster said rolling his
eyes in a disgusted manner.
"That's correct. Okay next, question. Who's next?"
The Weirdness Magnet raised his hand hopefully.
"Ah, yes. The Ultimate Ninja. Are you ready? Are you ready for my
question? Are you?"
"I'm ready for anything you dish out. Bring it on!"
"Fine." MacLaughlin Man dropped all of his index cards onto the floor.
And then he gazed back at the Ultimate Ninja. And the Ultimate Ninja
returned the gaze and then some right back.
The audience gasped into silence. Somewhere in the background the theme
music to 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' started to play. And both
men continued to stare into each other's eyes. Each looking for a sign
Their eyes and their hatred for each other became the entire Universe as
the rest of creation dissolved away into nothingness.
And then it happened. MacLaughlin Man asked his question. And nothing
was ever the same.
"Why do you get such pleasure from beating your wife?"
"Hah! I have no wife. I've *never* had a wife!" the Ultimate Ninja
"Oh, right. I guess what I really meant to ask is, Why do you get such
pleasure from beating up your blow-up sheep sex doll?"
"That's it. That's the last question. That's the last thing you're
ever going to utter!" The Ultimate Ninja flew up from his podium and
hurled himself at MacLaughlin Man. And before any of the rest of the
LNH'rs could act, both men started to beat the holy hell out of each
other. And everyone seemed to be surprised that not only was
MacLaughlin Man holding his own with the Ultimate Ninja, but he seemed
to be doing better.
The Ultimate Ninja was the most shocked of all not really expecting much
of a fight. MacLaughlin Man seemed to dodge each Ultimate Ninja blow
with incredible ease. And each blow that the Ultimate Ninja got from
MacLaughlin Man felt like a full speed freight train ramming into his
face. MacLaughlin Man grabbed both of the ninja's ankles and hurled the
ninja towards the podium platform.
"How? This is Impossible? How are you doing this?"
"It's my own special fight style. I call it 'MacLaughlininyourface'
type fighting. Ready to give up?"
"Never!" The Ultimate Ninja got right back up and charged at the
MacLaughlin Man. But all the fighting tricks the ninja knew didn't
matter. A minute later MacLaughlin Man raised the body of the Ultimate
Ninja and smacked it right into the cold hard floor. Then MacLaughlin
Man grabbed the ninja's arm and pulled it back tightly.
"Okay. Do you give? Or do I break your arm?"
"No! This is Impossible! I'm the Ultimate Ninja! No one can beat me!"
"You forget. I'm not no one. I'm some one. I'm MacLaughlin Man! Do
you give?!" MacLaughlin put more strength into bending the arm.
"Owww! God it hurts! Please! I give in! I give in!"
"Who is the Man!? Who is the *Man*!?"
"You are!" the Ultimate Ninja cried. "You're the Man! Please! I can't
take anymore!! You're the Man!! MacLaughlin Man!!!"
"Damn Straight." MacLaughlin Man released the ninja and turned his
attention towards the other heroes.
"I'm not believing this! Did MacLaughlin Man just totally kick the
Ultimate Ninja's ass?" Master Blaster said totally befuddled. "This is
so freakin' lame! I gotta put a stop to this." With that said Master
Blaster pulled out his BigGun (TM) and aimed it right at MacLaughlin Man
and clicked its setting to Extra-Crispy. "Hey, MacLaughlin Man! Debate
this!" Then Master Blaster pulled the trigger sending a large Flame
towards MacLaughlin Man.
MacLaughlin Man didn't move. Instead he stood there calmly and scooped
the flame into both of his hands like some Zen Buddha Master and
transformed the flame into a ball of fire. "There is no flame,
grasshopper," he said gazing straight through Master Blaster, "There is
only butterflies." And the ball of flame transformed into a thousand
Master Blaster's jaw dropped. "I'll be damned. Butterflies. I can't
fight against a man who can turn balls of flame into butterflies. I
give." Master Blaster dropped his gun and kneeled to the ground.
"Anyone else want a piece of me!" MacLaughlin Man shouted.
The rest of the LNH'rs shook their heads. "You've got us beat,
MacLaughlin Man," Irony Man said. "You're too much for us."
"In fact I was thinking while you were kicking the Ultimate Ninja's ass
that maybe you should be the LNH's new leader. You've got the brains.
And you've got the guts. And it looks like you've also got the moves.
What do you say, MacLaughlin Man? Will you be our new leader?"
"The Leader of the LNH?" MacLaughlin Man stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"No. That would go against all my principles. But. On the other
hand. If the LNH changed its name to something like, I don't know,
maybe called itself the -- MacLaughlin Man's League of
All-Worshipping-Super-Fans -- I could see myself leading such a team.
Leading such a team to greatness."
"Then, I guess we need to change the LNH's name," Fearless Leader said.
"All in favor of changing the name of the LNH to MacLaughlin Man's
League of All-Worshipping-Super-Fans -- raise your hands!" All of the
LNH'rs in the room raised their hands with the exception of the Ultimate
Ninja who was being hauled away be the cops. "Then it is decided. That
will be our new name!"
MacLaughlin Man looked over to where Catalyst Lass was and noticed a
tear falling from her eye. "What's wrong, Catalyst Lass?"
"It's just..." Catalyst Lass sniffed and wiped her eye with some tissue,
"It's just that I've been hiding this secret all these years. And I
can't hide it any longer. I'm in love. I'm in love with you,
MacLaughlin Man. I've been in love with you ever since I started
watching your show." Catalyst Lass turned her head away and looked down
to the ground. "I just wish I had said something sooner and not lived
in a lie all these years. God. I feel so ashamed of myself."
MacLaughlin Man put his hand on her shoulder. "It's all right. You're
not alone. You should know that all women are secretly in love with me.
It is one of my biggest burdens. The burden of being MacLaughlin Man.
To be loved by so many women and only be able to choose one. Well. I
suppose if I had some kind of a harem that would make life simpler for
me. I'll have to think about that. Here's my card. I'll get back to
you." MacLaughlin Man gave her a pat on the back and turned his
attention to his new team.
"Well, I guess we need to go back to the headquarters and tell everyone
the good news!"
"Kiwi!" agreed J. Random Kiwi.
10 Years Later...
MacLaughlin Man plucked a golden can of Mr. Paprika off of a tree. He
popped the top open. He breathed in the carbonated bubbles that floated
towards the sky like sparkling angels. And then he put the can up to
his mouth and took a deep sip. And then a gulp. And then another gulp.
Until finally, he had downed the entire can. MacLaughlin Man's eyes
rolled in ecstasy like he had just had the perfect orgasm. His fist
crushed the solid gold can. "Damn," he said, "Now, that was a pop. A
man's pop. A man drinking the perfect pop in a perfect world."
MacLaughlin Man gazed at the perfect garden that surrounded him. Plants
covered with Caviar, Champagne, Lobsters, Cuban Cigars, Rubies,
Diamonds, and iPhones tempted him with every turn. For a brief second
he was hypnotized by this orgy of delights. It was a coughing sound
from behind him that brought him back to reality.
"*Ahem*, Emperor MacLaughlin Man!" said the voice.
MacLaughlin turned around. "Please. No need for that. Just call me
your Greatness. What do you want, Dr. Stomper?"
"I'm pleased to announce to you that you've swept the entire Nobel
prizes again this year! That's five times in a row!"
MacLaughlin Man yawned. "That's nice. Anything else?"
"It's just amazing what you've done in the past ten years. Cured
Cancer. Invented a Perpetual Energy Source. Brought Peace to the
Entire World. I just wish that we had listened to your ideas 20 years
ago. Think of all the people we could have saved."
"Well. Don't be hard on yourself Doctor. We can't all be the smartest
person in the Looniverse. Anything else?"
"It's just the people. They want to see you. They want to bathe in
your Incredible Awesomeness. Will you let them, your Greatness? Will you?"
"Well. I guess I'd be kind of a big old jerk if I didn't give them an
opportunity to bathe in my Incredible Awesomeness. So sure. Why not?
Lead on, Doctor. Lead me to the people."
MacLaughlin Man followed Dr. Stomper from the garden a few feet away
from the balcony on top of the MacLaughlin Man's League of
All-Worshipping-Super-Fans Headquarters. He looked down on the cheering
crowd waving 'Make Mine MacLaughlin Man!' and 'Only MacLaughlin Man is
Right!' signs. MacLaughlin Man waved to the crowd and cleared his
throat. "You're welcome. But I have to admit that some of the credit
for this great world we live goes to you the people. Because you people
listened to me and you did what I said. And now. And now you are
living in the Greatest World in All of the Looniverse! Yes!!"
The crowd started chanting, "We're Number One!! We're Number One!!"
MacLaughlin Man smiled to himself. But the smile didn't last long.
A kid in the crowd shouted, "Hey! The emperor's not wearing any
clothes! He's naked!"
"Hey, the kid's right. He is naked! He's just some fat old bald naked
loud mouth! Why are we cheering him?"
More people looked up and started to agree with the little kid who had
pointed out the fact that MacLaughlin Man was completely naked. They
started to boo and hiss and throw rotten vegetables at him.
"Wait!" MacLaughlin Man said while dodging the veggies. "You're wrong!
I'm not naked! I'm not! I'm..." And then he looked down and
realized that in fact he was naked. The kid was right! "No! This
can't be! Something's wrong! This isn't right!"
"Hmm," Dr. Stomper said looking at his device.thingee. "According to my
calculations, I believe that this entire episode has been a dream
sequence. You're dreaming, MacLaughlin Man."
"No! It can't be a dream! I was... I was...!!!" And then MacLaughlin
Man looked into a shadowy corner and realized who was responsible for
all of this. "You! Damn You! You... You..."
And the DreamwReamer laughed and MacLaughlin Man woke up.
MacLaughlin Man crawled out of bed and rubbed the five o'clock shadow
that covered his face. He picked up a bottle of Mr. Martini off the
floor and took a swig. His face made a grimace. "Life sucks. Goddamn
LNH. Goddamn world."
MacLaughlin Man grabbed a tie off of his chair and stared at it for a
second. "Another Day. Another Show." And then he looked at a picture
hanging from his wall. It showed him with wReamicus Maximus. wReamicus
Maximus put bunny ears behind MacLaughlin Man's head. Both faces from
the past were smiling. MacLaughlin Man sighed to himself. "Ultimate
Ninja. You'll get yours. Oh, you'll get yours in the end. I'll see to
MacLaughlin Man turned his head away. And slowly made his way to the
MacLaughlin Man and Ultimate Ninja are wReam's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Reba's
Master Blaster is Martin Phipps's and Robert Ramirez's
WikiBoy is Tom Russell's
J. Random Kiwi is Jaelle's
Weirdness Magnet is Lalo Martins's
Dr. Stomper is T.M. Neeck's
DreamwReamer is Ken Schmidt's
Oh, yeah, I should mention that this is kind of a sequel to Ken
Schmidt's amusing Ultimate Ninja: Early Summer Special..
Arthur "If only the real ones were just a dream" Spitzer
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