LNH: 58.5 #11
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Thu Nov 1 06:26:47 PDT 2007
"Eh. *This* is where the Existents agreed to meet us?"
"That's what the message said, Godd. Any problem?", asked Clara.
"It's a dump! From what I've seen of this reality, people will
leave in the worst places you can imagine... and yet, this slum
is abandoned, seemingly too bad to live in. Why would a group of
pan-dimensional musician-wizards be in a place like this?"
"Maybe because we are pan-dimensional musician-wizards", said a
lampshade shaped like a computer monitor, with a top-hat sitting
on its top. As our three characters turned to look at it, the
"monitor" detached itself from the broken table where it was, and
grew a body, wearing a tuxedo. Their attention was so captured
by that slightly unusual development, that they didn't notice the
whole environment melt away and turn into what looked like a mix
of comic-book scientist laboratory and a jamming studio. Four
other figures in tuxedos walked in from the doors, three wearing
identical monitor masks and top hats, and one wearing a
phosphorus-green skull with a baseball hat.
"Oh wow", said Terry. "It's the Existents!"
"Indeed we are. And now would be a good time to roll credits."
Who Cares Studios cosmically presents...
/ ____( __ ) / ____/
/___ \/ __ | /___ \
____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
Godd is a concept by which we measure our pain
by Lalo Martins
Godd Fodder Cannon Fodder wReam's (special
thanks to Dvandom)
Terry Kid-Not-Appearing-In- Saxon Brenton's
Clara Lee-Trobbo mine
????? The Existents mine/The Residents'
Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi "The fighting kiwi" mine
Bonnie Chique Bandwagon Chick Sue Clark's
Trey M. B. Gantt Triangle Lad mine
Irony Man (robot duplicate) Rob Rogers' (?)
Contraption Man somebody's
The Time Crapper Jef Kolodziej's
Tamela Tyme Mother Time Saxon Brenton's/
"So let me get this straight", asked Godd. "You guys exist here
and in the Looniverse at the same time?"
"And in every other plane of the Usenetverse", said E1.
"Not we we, as in these exact bodies. More like, we, and our
dimensional counterparts", added E2.
"We started out as pretty much any other people, but at some
point, due to... interesting... musical and chemical experiences,
we became aware of our alt.selves", explained E3.
"Our consciousnesses and minds merged...", said E4.
"Not with each other, of course, but with our counterparts",
"So in short...", asked Terry.
"Yeah, pretty much, we do exist in the whole Usenetverse",
"And what the scrad kind of band name is 'Existents'?", Godd
asked. He had always wanted to know.
"Well", said E2. "That's what we just said."
"As a band", said E3, "we figured it would be cool to call
ourselves by what we do best."
"Which is", added E4, "existing."
And E5 completed: "We exist in a sense that no other creature in
the Usenetverse can dream of. More intensely, you could say."
Terry sighed. "I miss the Looniearth. We've been away for too
long! What if we're needed there?"
"Well", said E1. "Recently, a group of non-organic alien
creatures almost took it over, with the help of the Time Crapper
and Mother Time."
"But fear not. They were defeated, by their sworn enemies, with
the help of an LNH Tsk.Force", E2 told them.
"Wiki Boy, Contraption Man, Irony Robot and Robot Stomper", added
E3, for completeness.
"Irony Robot's armor got trashed", said E4. "But Nerdicus
Supreme helped him build a new one... if slightly different."
"And", finished E5, "Time Crapper and Mother Time ran away."
"Wow", said Terry. "So it seems this writer *really* hates
writing giant robot battles. I wonder why he even introduced
them, if that's the case."
"Some writers can be pretty stupid", sighed Clara.
"No matter", said Godd. "By now, everyone involved should be
safely back to the HQ then."
"Not quite yet..."
"...we're here to find our friends", reminded the Kiwi[*]. "We
have to focus."
[* A kiwi that learned advanced fighting techniques earlier in
the month, and got transformed into a meter-tall humanoid bird by
Mother Time's devolutionary beam in #8 -- Footnote Cybergirl]
"Right, of course", said Contraption Man. "It's just, this
equipment is so fascinating."
"They have to be around here somewhere", said Bonnie.
"We really could have used Robot Stomper here", Triangle Lad said.
"HIS ABSENCE IS IRRELEVANT", said the revamped Irony Man robot.
"HIS HELP WAS NECESSARY FOR THE GEEKOBOTS TO DEAL WITH THE
YUPPICONS PERMANENTLY. RECOVERY OF YOUR FRIENDS IS WELL WITHIN
THE PARAMETERS OF OUR CAPACITIES, SPECIALLY WITH MY NEW ARMOR
POSSESSING A SUBSET OF VAN'KESH'S TRACKING ACCESSORIES."
"It's really great to have upgrades", commented Contraption Man,
"but I hope something can be done about the saltshaker looks, and
the modulated voice."
"APPEARANCE IS IRRELEVANT. WE HAVE TO COMPLETE THE MISSION
BEFORE ANY ENEMIES--"
The sudden appearance of the Time Crapper and Mother Time
interrupted the robot's sentence, while at the same time making
"They're here already! I thought we were going somewhen safe",
exclaimed Mother Time.
"It doesn't matter. We can handle them."
Bonnie took a fighting stance. "I don't know about that!"
"That's exactly what I don't know", said Godd. "Who I am, or
what. Or why. That's why we came here."
"It was a rhetorical question", E3 replied.
"Or rather, a conversation starter", added E4.
"Why don't we start with what you do know?", asked E5.
"I'm not even a native of this plane. And the time I spent here
is minimal, compared to my previous life in sci.physics.plutonium
and my latter life in the Looniverse, which is where I'd call
home. Yet, I seem to be somehow linked to here... even when I'm
elsewhere, I die and regenerate as if I was here."
"And Dr. Stomper has theorized that you also attract violence and
death", added Terry.
"Which would seem to go with the idea of being linked to this
plane", said Clara.
"It would", said E1.
"Yet, it would be wrong", added E2.
"You see... many people, including the LNH and even the Xinerama
Brotherhood, operate from the misguided assumption that the
Usenetverse is some kind of cosmical appendage of the Usenet from
Real Life, where stories are posted", said E3.
"While that is technically correct, it's far from being the whole
story", corrected E4.
"Because if that was the case, then the 'rules' would be
drastically different when you cross-post to different groups.
The stories themselves would be different. In fact, the LNH
itself is posted routinely to two groups -- how does that figure
in that scheme?", asked E5.
"Well, that seems to be what Xinerama has a problem with", said
Godd, trying to remember the conversation that started all this.
"They're fools", said E1. "Eliminating the Looniverse would
obliterate the whole Usenetverse, themselves included."
"You see", revealed E2, "the Usenetverse is, in fact, the
collection of all stories ever posted or yet to be posted in the
LNH imprint. That is the one and the single 'rule'. Which
means, of course, the Looniverse is its center."
"That's one of the reasons why you can't travel to the actual
'Real Life', as Dave explained[*]. Any world that you travel to,
by definition, appears in an LNH story, and therefore is part of
the Usenetverse", said E3.
[* E3 seems to have read _Dvandom Force_ #42 - Footnote Cybergirl]
"By the same token, you can't really travel to other newsgroups
or even imprints, with the sole exception of imprints that are
explicitly part of the Usenetverse[*]", added E4.
"When you seem to do that, to cross-over, you actually go to a
reflection of that other world in the Usenetverse. The same
holds true for newsgroups; even newsgroups that never had any
'creative' fiction posted, even those where that is forbidden by
the FAQ or charter, have a corresponding reality on the
Usenetverse, colored by the group's topic, where you can travel
to if the story needs it", said E5.
[* Like LNH2 and, arguably, LNHY -- Footnote cybergirl]
"Wait a minute", asked Clara. "What about us, then? Isn't this
exactly what we're doing, crossing over with alt.fan.bugtown?"
"The alt.fan.bugtown of the Usenetverse", corrected E1.
"In fact, there hasn't been any 'creative' fiction in the real
alt.fan.bugtown for more than ten years. And even if they did
start posting again, it would be questionable that they would
accept what happened in our little story as canon."
"Yeah, specially the getting rid of the Crosspost Brothers..."
"When you cross-over, essentially you establish an Usenetverse
'mirror' of the other imprint's world, and a Looniverse 'mirror'
on the other imprint's multiverse."
"It may end up happening -- and it has happened before -- that
writers on either side decide to treat what happened in the
crossover slightly differently... with minor retcons to correct
everything into their imprint's standards of reality and story
style", added E5.
"All nice and stuff", said Godd, "but how is that relevant to my
situation, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Many creatures, including many Looniverse mystics and
scientists, have realized that the two primary forces in the
Looniverse are drama and comedy."
"By extension, if you're willing to believe what we're telling
you, these are also the primary forces in the Usenetverse."
"But many of them also know, although they don't necessarily
discuss it unless it's relevant, that there are a number of
secondary forces, which can be seen as interaction of those two
"Now, we are talking way too much, and of course a good magician
doesn't spill out *all* his secrets, so we won't waste your time
telling you what all of those secondary forces are."
"However", said E5 mischievously, "there's one of those that is
entirely relevant to our point here."
"IRRELEVANT", squeaked the Irony Man robot. "YOU WILL NOW
RELEASE THE NEW MISFITS."
"Never", said the Time Crapper. "I shall have my revenge on
"Revenge?", asked Bonnie. "What did they ever do to you?"
"IRRELEVANT. YOU WILL COMPLY. YOU CANNOT SUCCEED AGAINST OUR
"Indeed", said Mother Time, waving her hourglass, "you're a
formidable group. In fact, in an alt.reality where the LNH
turned bad during Retcon Hour and took over the world, the five
of you formed the League of Net.Havoc, and defeated all of them!"
And to those words, the room was filled with alternate, seemingly
more powerful and experienced versions of the four heroes. As
for the "saltshaker" Irony Man robot... it was there, much bigger
and menacing, and surrounded by dozens of smaller copies!
"EXTERMINATE", they started saying, in a dissonant chorus.
"Protect our Triangle Lad", exclaimed Bonnie, jumping into the
fight. "Don't let anyone fight him! We need to save his power
for the Crapper or Mother Time!"
"Underestimating us will be your mistake", said Lady Bandwagon.
The Kiwi and robot, however, managed to get Triangle Lad on a
corner, where the two of them could protect him from the advances
of Commander Triangle, who seemed to count on a number of ranged
weapons to help him postpone his one battle. Meanwhile,
Contraption Man was using the room's technology against
Super-Kiwi and King Kontraption, while looking for a way to
disable the 58 or so Irony Engines without affecting the robot on
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", did the Time Crapper, while he and Mother
Time safely retreated to the room where the New Misfits were held
"Gotta love net.heroes", Mother Time said, as the door closed and
the monitors turned on, so they could watch the battle. "Put two
groups who've never seen each other in a room, and they'll
fight, specially if a villain seems to have been responsible. No
thought of questioning, of checking if they really need to start
hitting themselves, or maybe they're all on the same side..."
"No", said the Crapper. "You can count on them to resort to
their 'heroic' instinct--"
"Senseless violence", revealed E1.
"It's funny, when well-done, because it's senseless. And it
still has dramatic potential."
"Some net.ahumans have a stronger connection to this primal
force, like the Ultimate Ninja or Master Blaster."
"And alt.fan.bugtown is one of the planes that touch the border
of... well, you could call it, the 'multiversal pole' of
"Some a.f.b.ers even consider this to *be* that pole, but that
isn't strictly correct. It's just one of the nearest places where
it's possible to still live in some remote resemblance of
normality... well, very remote."
"So you're saying... I connected to this plane through this
secondary cosmic force?"
"No", said E1, "that's not what we're saying at all."
"You're connected to the force itself. You became more or less
an embodiment of senseless violence."
"You could even say you're the Godd of Senseless Violence, if you
want to get witty", said E3, causing the other 4 Existents to
throw him a mean glance.
"Your connection is incomplete, partially because you weren't
aware of it, and partially because of your buried, unfulfilled
revenge plans. This incompleteness caused memory losses,
fluctuation on your powers, but more importantly, unwillingness
to embrace them fully."
"But now you're free. We have told you the truth, and the
Croosspost Brothers are dead. You can finally be what you should
always have been."
"What the scrad! Who says I *want* to be an embodiment of
senseless violence? I've always been a 'can't we all just get
along' kind of person!"
"Stop, stop, stop", exclaimed Lady Bandwagon. "They aren't
clones! We're really in an alt.universe, and they're heroes!"
"Settle down, old friend", said King Kontraption, gently touching
the larger Irony Engine. "We're all on the same side. They're
fighting the Time Crapper, with the New Misfits at stake."
"THE... NEW MISFITS? DAN?"
"I thought that would calm you."
"What the--", asked the Kiwi.
"The New Misfits were formed recently in our world, by Lady
Bandwagon, as an attempt to train a new generation of Net.Heroes
to take the place of the LNH one day", explained Super-Kiwi.
"NO NO NOOO", screamed the Crapper, on the other room. "That was
"Doesn't matter, dear, I'll just banish the League back to their
universe. And then--"
"I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE ON THE NEW MISFITS!"
"But at another time, in another place", he said, as himself,
Mother Time, and the League of Net.Havoc disappeared.
"What was that all about?", asked Triangle Lad, looking at the
suddenly much emptier room.
"What the scrad was THAT about?", asked Godd, after regrowing his
head, which had just been blasted off by one of the Existents.
"That's what we've been trying to say", said E1.
"When you originally appeared in the early Ultimate Ninja
stories, you could come back to life immediately after dying.
That is a natural effect of your connection to senseless
violence; obviously, by being around to fight more, you are
better 'serving' the force."
"At some point, your connection grew so weak, that you started
reappearing on the Peril Room, as a defense mechanism. But this
doesn't need to be the case anymore."
"Also... your insecurity has caused you to always be the *target*
of senseless violence. There's no good reason for that."
"When you're in a fight, there has to be *some* senseless, or at
least, either humorous or excessive violence. But..."
E5 threw him the Big Gun that had just blasted his head off.
"You don't need to be the victim. You're more than capable of
giving some, too."
"This weapon... what's the story with that? We've been
investigating it for mon... er, weeks."
"It's coming to you, isn't it? The memory loss is gone, you can
remember everything now, if you try", E1 teased him.
"I... I invented them, didn't I? They're the energy weapons I
built when I arrived on the Looniverse, after I realized what had
happened to me. I had a few when I joined the LNH."
"One large one and one sidearm", said E2. "The Crime Empire
recovered them from the LNH sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basements,
and went looking for someone who could reverse-engineer them."
"One of the covers of the Xinerama Brotherhood is arms dealing",
revealed E3. "So that's how they got in touch. In fact,
however, they don't have the tech; they only mediate with other
planes that have too much of it. In that case, they figured out
your 'Cannons' with the help of a nasty little nook of the
Usenetverse, a corporate plane called--"
"Workolips", said Terry.
"You got it wrong, though", said E4. "You thought you lost your
scientific spark. If that had been the case, then how could you
possibly have built the 'Cannons'? Your genius was one of the
reasons why Senseless Violence 'chose' you in the first place.
It only got tweaked so that now, the only science you can
practice is weaponry-related."
"Cute. How about the whole 'I don't like violence' thing?"
"Can't be helped", said E5. "This is who you are now. I think
over time, you'll learn that senseless violence can't be
completely avoided, since it's one of the essential forces of the
Usenetverse. The best, 'heroic' thing to do is to redirect it
where it's useful, or where it doesn't harm innocents. And you?
You're in an unique position to do that now."
"You know what? I can dig that. Scrad it -- after the last few
weeks", and he powered up his Big Gun, "I'm getting quite anxious
to introduce Mister Manhandler and his bosses to the business end
of some senseless violence."
Terry sighed. "If that's how it has to be. I just want to save
people, that's all..."
And back in the Looniearth, Contraption Man started deactivating
the stasis pods. The New Misfits were saved.
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