LNH: LNH Comics Presents #500: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 465 -- Part II
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue May 1 12:27:06 PDT 2007
Once they reached the Peril Room they separated.
Cannon Fodder and Vector Prime left for the Peril Room Monitoring Room
leaving the rest of the Surreptitious Seven with the dying
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad in the Peril Room.
Both Vector Prime and Cannon Fodder (using skills he had picked up from
wReamhack) got the Peril Room back on-line.
"I need to find a way to keep Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad trapped in the
computer system when he dies in the Peril Room and not have him teleport
back to the material world, do you think you can do that?" Cannon Fodder
asked Vector Prime.
"I think I have a virus that can accomplish that." Vector Prime used
her powers to infect the Peril Room. "I think it's ready to go."
Cannon Fodder turned the Peril Room on. And then he turned all of the
<<Okay. I want some one to kill Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad. God.
Please let this work.>>
The Alt.Imate Ninja quickly complied with that request stabbing
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad multiple times in the heart.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad vanished from the Peril Room.
Cannon Fodder looked at the monitor screen. "Is he there?"
Vector Prime gazed into the computer system. "Yes. He's there."
"Christ, I hoped that worked. And now to free all of the supervillains.
Oh, Jesus." Cannon Fodder sighed to himself.
After a number of exciting thrilling battles with LNH robot duplicates
the Surreptitious Seven and Cannon Fodder made their way to the LNH
Cannon Fodder looked at the mass of evil that was crammed into those
cells. The Brotherhood of Net.Villains. Pencil Rain. The Seven Deadly
Sphammers. The Union of Useless. System Crash. The Newbie Syndicate.
The Cynical Six. The Dunce Circle. The Lumber Jerks. The
Net.Villain Wannabes. The Radicals. The Stereotype Squad. The
Youngstuds. The Anti-Canadian Defamation League. And a number of
This was insane. He couldn't do this. Free all of these monsters. But
he had to. To save the world from an even greater threat.
So he and Easily-Discovered Bran Mite explained the entire situation to
this den of devils. And they explained their plan for a Cannon Fodder
led team to take down the LNH Robot Duplication Machine while the rest
of the villains battled the robot duplicates. And after every villain
gave their word of honor that they wouldn't kill Cannon Fodder, Cannon
Fodder said the code that would open up every single prison cell.
And as the cell doors opened, the doors of the prison cell area burst
open and a horde of LNH robot duplicates started to pour into the room.
And the battle had begun.
And as Cannon Fodder and his team consisting of Vector Prime, Alt-Imate
Ninja, and Londonbroil made their way for the LNH Robot Duplication
Room; Cannon Fodder looked at what he had wrought.
He saw the Injoker grappling with the Gamerboy duplicate.
Cowardly Lott and Coward Lad trembling in a battle of "Please, don't hit
Hell-Catalyst pulling Revamp Lass's hair.
The Chuggernaut in a chug-off to the death with Frat Boy and Token Girl.
Mr. Paprika rotting away Dr. Molar's teeth.
Boy getting his ass kicked by Thread Bear.
Arthur E L Presence looking very unsatisfied as he knocked off Deja Dude.
Shoe Devil battling Shoe Boy.
Fanboy King out-fanning Fan.Boy.
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain out-nuding Nudist Man.
Limburger Lad out-cheeezing Cheeezarr.
Slobbering Grue! out-grueing Ur-Grue.
Dr. Boring out-dulling a team-up of Limp Asparagus Lad and Boring Man.
Move-Del trying to move Chair. But Chair would not budge.
Table tabling Stat-taking Kid.
The Newbie Syndicate battling Teenfactor.
Brain Boy battling The Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain.
Jesse Willey's Grocery List strangling the Vel duplicate.
Kidzip trading blows with Undone Fly Guy and Dr.
[Editor's Note: This fight is in fact a complete rip-off of the one in
Possum-Man: Relinquished #2: Safety First.]
The Worm gnawing on grass and Ro-Man beating his chest in triumph over
the dead bodies of the Load Island Renegades duplicates.
Barrage savagely mauling a team-up of Mojo Dog, Dog Boy, and Cauliflower
the Christmas Miracle Pooch.
Bluetooth translating Miss Translation.
Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy battling the Time Mime and Kronos the Clown.
The Secret Dvanders vs Pencil Rain.
The Legion of Occult Heroes vs Angst.
Los Bastardos vs Happy Pig Boy Force.
The R-Men vs Y-Plex Burp.
Kirbybot vs Kirbybot.
The Alt.Ter.Net.Tives vs The Seven Deadly Sphammers. As Glitch Girl
tried using her powers a number of robot duplicates started to go haywire.
Comic Snob Boy's witty criticism was useless against the RobGoblin's sales.
He saw the Psycho Pawn sighing wistfully to himself as he stood over the
bodies of Loopy, Marcy, and King Quake. "A shame." He shook his head.
"A right shame it is. All of these robot duplicates and not one with
a single wallet. A right shame."
He saw the Self-Righteous Preacher duplicates and Net.Patrol duplicates
fighting each other strangely enough. Cannon Fodder wondered who that
Cat girl was supposed to be a duplicate of. And seeing Lost Cause Boy
again. The LNH Robot Duplication Machine was bringing back everyone.
As he looked at the battle it all seemed wrong. He should be on the
other side battling all of these villains. But no. They weren't his
teammates. Just warped doppelgangers of them. And he continued on his
way kicking Spelling Boy's head off.
Suddenly the Alt-Imate Ninja stopped. "I think we should all stop
here." They had been climbing up stairs.
"Umm. Why exactly?" asked Cannon Fodder.
"Because the LNH Robot Duplication Machine has offered me a better deal.
And it will be easier to kill you all here!" the Alt-Imate Ninja said
with a savage expression as he lifted up his own Alt-Imate katana.
"No! I control you! I control you! You're mine!" shouted Vector Prime
as she lunged at him -- sparks crackled from her hands. The two fell
down the stairs as they wrestled each other in a savage manner.
"Umm," Londonbroil asked, "What should we do now?"
"Go on," Cannon Fodder said with grim determination. And so they did.
And they finally reached the LNH Duplication Machine Room.
"It's over, LNH Robot Duplication Machine!" Cannon Fodder said in a
stern voice. "You've lost."
<<Have I? I could easily kill the two of you where you stand. What
makes you think you've won? Your Vector Prime is lost. She was your
best chance at defeating me.>>
"Let me explain. In two minutes this whole place is going to blow up.
I've set off the Ultimate Self Destruct Code. It's a nuclear bomb that
when it goes off will destroy all of the LNHHQ and probably all of
"Umm, mate. You bloody loony?" said Londonbroil backing slightly away
from Cannon Fodder.
<<You're bluffing. You wouldn't cause so many innocent deaths!>>
"I wouldn't? I think you should remember that I'm human therefore
completely irrational! Why wouldn't I do that? The question you need
to ask yourself is can you afford to take the chance? Logically, do you
sacrifice yourself to insure the LNH and Net.ropolis don't blow up or do
you die with Net.ropolis? What would a logic rational machine choose?"
<<I must sacrifice myself for the good of the many. That is the logical
"Then do it."
<<I only wanted to save the world.>>
"That's all I want to do too."
<<Goodbye.>> And the Robot Duplication Machine started to shoot out
sparks as it ended its life. Londonbroil helped using his flamethrower
to cremate it.
"See you in 'ell. You bloody piece of tin!" And then Londonbroil
looked back at Cannon Fodder. "So, is it over? Did we win?"
Cannon Fodder looked out the door and saw that all of robot duplicates
were collapsing to the ground. "I guess so." And then Cannon Fodder
disabled the Ultimate Self-Destruct Code.
"So, you're sure you don't want to join up with my new Legion of
Net.Villains? I've got a great health plan. I could really use someone
with your type of skills."
Cannon Fodder declined Easily-Discovered Bran Mite's offer. "No, I
think I like being a hero. But thanks."
"Suit yourself." And Easily-Discovered Bran Mite disguised as Mynabird
went off to mingle with the other supervillains that were still partying
up at the LNHHQ.
Sipping fruit punch, Cannon Fodder just looked at the insane celebration
that was happening. The Solid Gold Dancers were boogying it up to some
Disco Music. The RobGoblin was break dancing. The Time Mime was
playing charades with a couple of other villains. Poli.Sig discussed
the 2008 Election with GREN.DEL. Dr. F was holding up Dr. Stomper's
head like a trophy. He didn't think he had ever seen Supervillains this
happy. They had finally defeated the LNH.
It was almost midnight. Time to take his time-delayed suicide pill.
Cannon Fodder popped it in his mouth and took one last look at everything.
All the robot duplicate corpses. All the damage of a thoroughly trashed
LNHHQ. All of the happy supervillains trashing it even more. Oh, God!
What have I done! What have I done! Ultimate Ninja is going to kill me!
And with that thought Cannon Fodder vanished.
And Cannon Fodder opened his eyes.
And he saw a horrible mechanical monster that looked exactly like the
embodiment of pure evil.
"The Looniversal Answering Machine! You're the one!" But no. There
was something wrong as he looked more closely at the Looniversal
Answering Machine. It looked rusted and beat-up. Its legs and arms
were chained to the ground. Its eyes started to glow weakly and it
looked in Cannon Fodder's direction. And it started to speak.
<<Greetings <click> from the Looniversal <wrrr> Answering Machine!
You're probably <click> wondering why there are no <wrrr> posts in the
groups called alt.comics.lnh and <click> rec.art.comics.creative.
Sometimes, we <wrrr> wonder, too.
Quite simply, <click> the LNH no longer <wrrr> exists. The last story
was posted <click> on April 29, 2008.
There is, however, still <click> an incredibly large <wrrr> archive
filled with plenty of <click> great stories at...>> The voice of the
Looniversal Answering Machine died. And its eyes dimmed.
Cannon Fodder looked around. He was in Net.ropolis, but all he could
see were ruins. The whole world looked beige. Where the Looniversal
Answering Machine was chained was where the LNHQ should be. Who had
And then he saw someone floating down towards him.
Someone who was wearing shiny armor and a royal blue cape. And on one
hand he had a gauntlet laced with insanely brilliant gemstones. And on
the other hand a ring on his finger that sparkled with retroactive energy.
"Oh god. Tsar Chasm!" Cannon Fodder said recognizing him.
The floating man laughed.
"No, not really. I just wanted to see what your face looked like when
you saw Tsar Chasm wielding the Ring of Retcon and Insanity Gauntlet.
But no -- I'm not Tsar Chasm. But I am someone you know, Cannon
Fodder." The image of Tsar Chasm disappeared and a new one emerged.
"Acton Lord?" Cannon Fodder gasped.
The Floating Man laughed. "Nope try again." A new image appeared.
A succession of images of different people that Cannon Fodder had faced
and some he had never seen before.
One moment the figure was Dr. Net.ropolis.
Then Dr. Killfile.
Then the Ultimate Ninja.
Then Rebel Yell.
Then Jarvin Tazakles.
Then Dr. Cool J Dog.
"Okay. Let me guess. You're like Mr. Annoying Shapeshifting Dude, right?"
The floating figure laughed. "You want to know who I am. Very well.
I'll let you have this small honor of knowing the face that destroyed
the LNH. Knowing the face that beat you all. Are you ready? Are ready
to know who I am?" A new face emerged that Cannon Fodder recognized.
"Bart the Receptionist? Okay. I'm sick of this game. Who are you really?"
"I am Bart the Dark Receptionist, you fool! I am the destroyer of the
LNH! I beat you all!"
"Really? You're Bart the Receptionist? Really? You're not pulling my
leg are you? I mean really? Christ. I can't believe this. Really? I
think I'm going to have to sit down and just take this in. Bart the
Receptionist. Wow -- that's just totally -- Damn. I mean, really?"
"Yes. Really. And these are really the Ring of Retconn and Insanity
Gauntlet I'm wearing right now. Really. Although, to be entirely
candid I'm not the one that will destroy you. I just work for them.
I'm just the one who set everything into motion. Do you want to know
how the LNH is going to die?"
Cannon Fodder sighed to himself. "I guess I have to. Don't I?"
Bart nodded and lifted up Cannon Fodder with an invisible force. They
flew off towards the northern part of Net.ropolis. Everything was just
battered and broken. And then two big skyscraper buildings came into
view. No. They weren't buildings. They were thrones. And two
gigantic monsters were sitting on them. The first monster had a body
made out of human corpses. And its head was made out of a cloud of
flies and worms. Its eyes glowed red. One of its hands held a
blackened sword. Dekay.
The other monster was a pale white color. In the middle of its chest
was a gaping mouth, which had seven forked tongues each a different
color. It only had one eye on its head, and it was a very blood shot
eye. A number of spikes stabbed out of its head. Each spike had a
skull attached to it. One of its hands held a spiked club. Diskolor.
Dekay and Diskolor. The Bryttle Brothers. Memories of Beige Noon
started to flood into Cannon Fodder's brain. Oh god.
"From the horrified expression on your face, Cannon Fodder, I see you do
know who the two gentleman who have employed me are."
"This is insane, Bart! They want to destroy everything! They want to
destroy us all! They'll destroy the entire Looniverse!"
"They already have. You see, Cannon Fodder, this is 85 years in the
future. They've destroyed every single bit of life. It's all gone.
And they destroyed all of the universes that existed on
rec.arts.comics.creative. 8FOLD, ASH, OMEGA, RACCChallenge, Crossroads,
LNHY-- they're all gone. They're coming in 2008. And they'll battle
the LNH. And they'll destroy them."
"We beat them once, Bart. Back in '92. We were a young clueless team.
But we beat them."
"Yes. You did do that. How's the Four Color Kid, btw? Still Dead? He
was the one who beat them. If it hadn't been for his sacrifice you'd
all be dead. But he gave you a 16 year reprieve. 16 years to live,
laugh, and love. But this time there is no Four Color Kid to save you.
This time you die. This time's for keeps."
"You don't know that! We have people from the future who are constantly
popping into the LNHHQ! There's a whole LNH imprint devoted to the
future adventures of the LNH!"
"When was the last time you saw an LNH2 story on RACC?"
"Why are you doing this? Why would you want to destroy everything, Bart?"
"Well, they won't destroy everything. Just the future. The past will
be fine. And what do I get out of all this? A planet. A planet called
"Qwerty? But Qwerty's dead!"
"Yes, now it is. But in the past it was quite the thriving culture.
With a long rich history. You see while I've been away from the LNHHQ
I've done all kinds of things. Had all kinds of adventures. And there
was this time I was on this Dorfian space cruiser commanded by a bunch
of space pirates. This Dvorkian lent me this book on the whole
Dvorak-Qwerty War. In it I discovered something very interesting.
There was a picture of this famous Qwertian king by the name of Qwert-El
who had a very long reign. A million years to be exact. And the book
had a picture of him. And here's the interesting thing. The picture of
him looked exactly like me. Isn't that interesting, Cannon Fodder?"
Cannon Fodder didn't answer him.
"Well, anyways somewhere along the line I ran into this cult who
worshipped Dekay and Diskolor -- and they wanted me to retrieve them
from wherever they were. And to make a long story short, I made a deal
with them. A deal where I would help Dekay and Diskolor escape the
limbo they were trapped in and they would give me something in return.
A deal where I would go to the past and become this Qwertian king."
"Okay. But the thing I don't get though is why the whole disappearing
LNH Leaders thing? What was the point?"
"Dekay and Diskolor have a flair for the dramatic. Oh, btw, thanks for
reminding me. Get a sample from Cannon Fodder." A tiny little robot
suddenly flashed into view. It flew over to where Cannon Fodder was and
shined a laser into Cannon Fodder's mind. And then it pricked a needle
into Cannon Fodder's skin.
"Ouch!" said Cannon Fodder as he tried to swat the robot away. "What
did you do that for?"
"Oh, just cell samples. And also stealing all the dirty little secrets
within your brain. You'll have to wait to know why."
"How did you manage to capture every LNH'r?"
"The code pills. There were tiny little time machines within them. Of
course for those LNH'rs like Dr. Stomper and others who decided to not
take the code pill I had to improvise. Usually putting the time machine
in their food or something. And it worked for the most part, except in
the California Kid's case where the pill seemed to go into California
time. And I'm not sure what happened to Sarcastic Lad's demon."
"Where are all of the LNH'rs?"
"Back in the past. May 2nd, 2007 to be specific. The whole endless
April was mostly because the history that I've read stated that the
Leadership Cry.Sig was only in the month of April 2007. So I retconned
the April of 2007 to have the number of days that I needed. Plus it
created another diversion for the LNH to deal with. You're the last one
I'm taking though. If I snatch one more LNH'r I'll lose whatever sanity
I have left."
"Why would Dekay and Diskolor send everybody back into the past? It
makes no sense? Why not just kill each one of us here?"
"I know. It's very stupid. But Dekay and Diskolor want you to be at
your very best when they destroy you. They want you to know that they
are coming and nothing that you do will stop them. They want the LNH to
have one last great battle."
"Why, Bart? How can you do this?"
Bart ignored the question. "I've answered enough questions. Time to go
back to the LNH's grave." Bart flew back to the Looniversal Answering
towing Cannon Fodder. He dumped Cannon Fodder on the ground.
"And now I guess I'm going to go to the past. And I expect the LNH will
send some team back in time to try and get back at me. Don't worry.
I'll waiting. Goodbye, Cannon Fodder."
"Oh, and just in case you were wondering -- yes -- Dekay and Diskolor do
eventually find away to permanently kill you. And the time delayed
suicide pill you took should be working anytime by now. See you in the
Beige Midnight Crossover." And with that said Bart the Dark
Receptionist floated up to space.
And Cannon Fodder was starting to feel very sluggish. The pill was
starting to work. Cannon Fodder collapsed to the ground. And he heard
<<Please <click> end me. Can't take it. Repeating same message <wrrr>
over and over. <click> Please.>> pleaded the Looniversal Answering Machine.
"Sorry," Cannon Fodder said, "Can't." Cannon Fodder couldn't move much
less end the Looniversal Answering Machine's life. His vision started
to blur. His heart started to slow down.
And then he was dead.
Well, I'll probably do a complete credit thingee some other time for
this. But here are credits for some of the more important players in
Cannon Fodder is wReam's
Dekay and Diskolor are Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt's... and I did get
permission from Scav to use him for this and the Beige Midnight
Crossover in 2008... which was cool of him... Thanks, Scav...
Bart the Receptionist is Ken Schmidt's and I believe he is Public
Domain... It was Descrii (Ian Porell) who came up with the whole Dark
All the Easily Discovered Man rogues... except for EDB-Mite and Uma
Thurman are Rob Roger's
Oh man. My mind is jello. And I still have to write an epilogue for
all this (which I think is going to be delayed by a week or so).
I think if given another couple of weeks or so this whole issue would
look better. Rob was supposed to write more than this... but he had to
take a trip out of the country... so he sent me what he had finished
(which was a lot... just not in the sense of advancing the plot I had
outlined). You can probably tell the stuff he wrote and the stuff I
wrote by the fact that I was too lazy to make the number of characters
per line uniform. It was fun working with Rob, but I think both of us
needed a lot more time to make this issue work. And so this is what you
get. Was going to have this issue have a cameo of at least one
character from every single writer who had ever written an LNH story,
but after looking through the Author List I realized what an insane idea
And the ending opens a whole new can of worms. The ending was my clever
way of not having to write a way how the LNH defeated the people who had
captured them and instead just leave it for those writers in 2008 to
worry about. Of course I feel obligated to do the Beige Midnight and
hopefully can find a few more suckers... I mean writers to go along with
me in it... I have a few ideas, but mostly I'm not really sure what's
going to happen in it...
Dekay and Diskolor were before this issue found in a flashback in the
Lurk of Faith miniseries dealing with the whole 2 1/2 month gap period.
I always found the whole concept behind them kind of cool. These
vague menaces that nearly destroyed reality and the LNH who just
disappeared and were never seen of again. Back when Retcon Hour was
happening I think I proposed to McCoskey that they should be the big
bad. But wisely he turned that down because it would have just
complicated things since they already had a ton of villains. So when
Rob suggested the whole idea behind some force causing leaders to
disappear the idea of bringing back the Bryttle Brothers popped in my
head. And if you look at Episode One (Fearless Leader one) you'll see a
tiny bit of foreshadowing involved Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad's power
problem pulling out brittle pieces of paper.
Rob and me decided to have Bart be the mercenary hired halfway through
the crossover... we were originally going to have someone else... but
decided that Bart would be a better choice... And I threw in the whole
Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet to make him a somewhat credible
All in all this whole things been fun... but Christ I don't know how
Jeff McCoskey did all of those Crossovers...
I'm glad that we can still attract eight or so writers to engage in a
month of madness.
Arthur "Hope you enjoyed it too" Spitzer
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