LNH: LNH Comics Presents #35: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRISIS #0
thad at eyrie.org
Sat Mar 31 20:19:29 PDT 2007
[Note: I tried to post this earlier but it doesn't look like it made it,
so am reposting. Since I got the issue # number, this one superceeds that
one. (...asssuming this posts...)]
Infinite Leadership Crisis: Episode #0
"LNH dice?? Are you kidding me? No, I'm not going to sign the contract!"
Ultimate Ninja slammed the phone down, glaring at it to stop it from
immediately ringing again. That didn't work, so the ninja decided to
storm out of the office instead.
"Hold my calls," he yelled at his secretaries as he rushed past
them. "I'm going to be in the Peril Room."
"Um, sir... the Peril Room is currently off line," John called
out after him, not in his strongest voice.
Ultimate Ninja stopped mid-stride, with one leg off the ground.
John and Sally were suitably impressed by this, especially when he
didn't tremble in the slightest, but as the minutes passed, they became
ever more increasingly worried.
"Perhaps we should call someone?" Sally asked.
"He doesn't make house calls," Sally replied, shuddering at the
memory of the last time she had talked to the Master of Medical
"Well, someone else is bound to notice him like this..."
"Hey, Ninja, what's up?" asked Unperceptive Lad, patting the
pseudo-ninja statue on the arm as he passed by.
"Okay, bad example. The next person..."
"Hi leader," Browsing Boy called out as he walked on, his head
buried in a book.
"Okay, the _next_ person..."
"What up, Ninja!" Master Blaster yelled, high-fiving the ninja
on his slightly upraised hand (but not budging him an inch), before
continuing on, whistling.
"These people are doing this deliberately!"
At this point, Doctor Stomper arrived. "Ultimate Ninja I have...
hello? What's going on?"
John shrugged. "We're not sure."
"I think he blew a fuse," Sally said.
"I doubt that's exactly the case, but I think we'll need help
with this." Doctor Stomper picked up the telephone, dialled the
extension for LNHQ-wide announcements, and said, "Wikiboy to Ultimate
Ninja's office. Wikiboy to Ultimate Ninja's office." After a pause, he
added, "By the way, you have teleportation ability and like to use it to
An instant later, Wikiboy appeared, staggering slightly from the
"Sorry about that, Wikiboy, but I... why are you yellow with
pink polka dots?" Right before Wikiboy replied, Doctor Stomper clicked
on the answer and they said in tandem, "Master Blaster."
"Right, well, revert all edits," Doctor Stomper announced.
Wikiboy blinked a few times, then smiled in appreciation. "Thank
you for that, Doctor."
"We need your help," Doctor Stomper said without further
preamble, indicating the ninja.
"What can I do?"
"You are an expert on ninjas, with a speciality in ultimate
ones," Doctor Stomper declared.
After the edit took effect, Wikiboy retrieved a pair of glasses,
perched them on his nose, then peered over them at Ultimate Ninja.
"Vell, your nenja is a verry fragile kreature. Shudden shocks can
desturb za delikate intrikate inner verkings of ze nenja mind. This is,
of kourse, pronounced in ze cases of ze ultimate ninjas, and kan be very
dongerous vhen left untreated. I vekommend complete bedrest, preverably
someplace away from people. Zis is, of kourse, so zhat za people might
not be killed vhen ze ninja finally veturns to normal."
"As in... some kind of holiday?" Sally asked.
"Well, when was the last time he took a holiday?" Doctor Stomper
"Does when he was replaced by the evil Ultimate Ninja count?"
John asked, flipping back through the pages of the day planner before
"Wikiboy, you're our current HR expert. How much leave does
Ultimate Ninja have owning him?" Doctor Stomper asked, turning to
Putting the glasses away, Wikiboy took out a tie and put it on.
The rest of them couldn't be sure, but a faint sheen of slime seemed to
cover him, an image not offset by the too-wide smile of "I'm your
friend" that he wore. "If we allow accumulation of holiday leave (which
is really not recommended without proper signed approval from
management) at the standard rate, include a long term bonus of an extra
week per year, then his current leave balance is around nine months.
However, recognition must be paid to the use of TOIL (again, not a
practice recommended without prior signed approval of management), we
can safely say that Ultimate Ninja has approximately two years of leave
in lieu in one form or another. I would also note that current HR
practices dictate that where leave is identified as having built up to
an extensive period (for example, more than one day, a wonderful
practice that means no-one can ever develop enough holiday time for an
actual holiday, thank you so much), leave is enforced. As this current
discussion has indeed identified such a leave imbalance, we must insist
that Ultimate Ninja take leave immediately or measures will be taken,
not limited to enforced working or premature retirement."
The others stood there, blinking, for several minutes before
being able to speak.
"Wikiboy, revert," Doctor Stomper quickly said when capable.
"Eew," Wikiboy announced. "I have to go wash my hands... and
possibly scrub a layer of skin off my body."
As Wikiboy quickly departed, Doctor Stomper returned to
examining the Ultimate Ninja living statue.
"We need something to shock him into wakefulness," he mused.
"Perhaps you should remove his weapons first," pointed out John,
sinking down to get more cover from his desk.
"I've got the latest ninja vs. pirate results," Sally held up a
sheet of paper. "Ninja's aren't leading."
"Ninja's don't need to lead," Doctor Stomper said, "they know
they are better. No, we need something even more shocking than that... I
Leading close so he could directly whisper into the ninja's ear,
Doctor Stomper said, "They are remaking 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'.
PR Kid has plans involving you and a pet store."
The resulting ninja explosion took several hours to repair. It would
have gone faster but Ultimate Ninja insisted on glaring over the
workmen, slowing everyone down. John and Sally were in the infirmary,
expected to make a quick recovery or suffer more of Doctor
Bad-Beside-Manner. Reports from Doctor Stomper had come in to say that
he had landed in the outskirts but might stay there for a while.
Bizarre Boy sidled up to Ultimate Ninja, and cleared his throat.
"Yes, what?" Ultimate Ninja snapped.
"Right, well... we've been talking, and... well... you know...
you really could use a holiday... and..." Bizarre Boy's voice faulted
under the ninja's stare.
"No-one tells ninjas to take holidays."
"Well, yes, there is that, but... um... well... now that people
have been made aware that you do have rather a large amount of leave..."
Bizarre Boy hesitated again, glared at the short straw he held, then
tried again. "You've either got to take leave or never have leave
"Considering that I haven't take leave yet, I'm not seeing how
not having leave to take would be a problem."
"Well... I don't quite think you understand... people are
talking about the 'Habeas Corps' clause."
"As in... the LNH will own your body, whether you agree or not,
and... well... whether your alive or not. And then you'd literally be
leader in perpetuity."
Bizarre Boy struggled to stay upright against the power of the
glare. "Hey, it's the HR rulebook!" he protested. The power of the ninja
master's stare faded, but Bizarre Boy didn't like the replacement grin
he could sense behind the mask.
"They want me to take leave? Certainly. Let's just see how they
handle a ninja on holiday!"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy held the next short straw and clutched at it
like a talisman. He gingerly knocked on the Ultimate Ninja's room door,
then stepped back hurriedly.
The voice sounded cheerful enough, but Ame.rec.a's Proudest
Member wasn't so easily fooled. Carefully he pushed the door open, but
was greeted with a sight no more innocuous than Ultimate Ninja packing a
duffel bag. OABoy suspected he might even be hearing the ninja hum, but
wouldn't swear to it.
"Ultimate Ninja... sir... we need you to sign some forms before
you take off. Leave forms, reassignment sheets, cheesecake recipes, that
sort of thing." He held up a clipboard of pages as proof. "Oh, and we
also need the key to the building."
"Right." Pausing in his packing, the ninja reached over, grabbed
a large metal key the size of a book, and tossed it to OABoy, who had to
think fast to catch it.
Curiosity overcame his natural fear of the leader, and OABoy
stepped inside. "Where are you off to, anyway?"
"Going to get back to nature," the ninja replied.
"Oh, going to visit some of the real heartland of this fine
country?" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy asked, already hearing the faint
stirrings of trumpets and violins. "See the fields of wheat waving in
the breeze, the cheery faces of farmers as you walk down that dusty
road, narrowly avoid being run over by cowboys who are racing
desperadoes on their horses, nearly suffer a heart attack trying to eat
that 50 pound hunk of steak, and just generally enjoy the hell out of
the true pasture that makes this the greatest country on this whole
entire planet?" OABoy drew breath as he wiped away a tear.
His eyes cleared to see the ninja waving a fishing pole back and
forth, testing the flex. "Something like that," Ultimate Ninja said
Putting a hat festooned with fishing hooks on his head, Ultimate
Ninja turned and threw the duffel bag to Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy. "Take
this," he said, sweeping past holding onto his fishing pole and tackle
"Er, the papers!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy called out, following
the ninja while trying to juggle the duffel bag, the clipboard and the
Down in the LNH foyer, there wasn't a crowd per se, but
certainly there were more than a few people there to see Ultimate Ninja
walk out. He proceeded to do so without looking around him, ignoring the
stares of shock (and the stares of amazement at his hat).
Reaching the door, he grabbed his duffel bag back off Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy, and started walking out.
"Hey, Ultimate Ninja," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy called out.
"Who's in charge?"
Ultimate Ninja paused for a moment on the final step, reached
into his clothes and withdrew a shuriken. Without looking back, he threw
it over his shoulder. "That person."
As the ninja vanished onto the street, the LNHers turned to see
where the shuriken had ended up, and saw it embedded in the wall, still
vibrating, close to a throat which was very careful not to move too
Walking over, Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy held out the key.
"Congratulations, Fearless Leader. Looks like you're our new leader."
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