[LNH/ACRA] Untold Tales of the Looniverse #4

[Martin Phipps]

             Politically Correct Space Wars  

                 Episode 3: A New Dope

                         Years
                       had passed
                   and the Chancellor
                  became the ruler of a
                new evil galactic empire.

  "Puke?  Puke?  Is that you?"
  Puke Skycrawler regarded the stranger with
suspicion.  "Who are you?"
  "I am PC Wan.  I am a Straidi, like your father."
  "My father?  You knew my father?"
  "Your father was an old friend of mine."
  "What happened to my father?"
  "He was... killed."
  "By who?"
  "Whom.  By whom."
  "Whatever.  Who killed my father?"
  "Um... it was... um... it was Seriously Pissed Off
Guy.  He killed your father.  Yeah.  That's it."
  Puke Skycrawler grit his teeth.  "I want revenge
against the man who killed my father!"
  PC Wan's eyes widenned.  "Really?  Well... good
thing I said what I did then."
  "Excuse me?"
  "Nevermind.  Puke... I need your help."
  "Anything for a friend of my father!"
  "Puke, Seriously Pissed Off Guy has kidnapped
Princess Layher.  He has her in his Lunar Fortress. 
We must find a ship that will take us there to rescue
her."
  "Sounds dangerous."
  "If you rescue her then I am sure she will be
grateful."
  "How grateful?"
  "_Very_ grateful."
  "Wow.  I've never had a girl be that grateful to me.
 Ever."
  "So is it a deal?"
  "You bet!"

  Puke and PC Wan managed to hire a ship to take them
to Seriously Pissed Off Guy's Lunar Fortress.  There,
PC Wan faced Seriously Pissed Off Guy.
  "PC Wan... we meet again," Seriously Pissed Off Guy
said.
  "I'm sorry... have we met?" PC Wan asked.
  "You don't recognize me?  Oh!  I guess it's because
of the containment suit covering my face.  That plus
the fact that they grafted on robotic arms and legs
after you cut the original ones off!"
  "Anarchin?"
  "Surprise!"
  "Anarchin!  Wow!  So nice to see you!  Gee.  I
thought you were dead for sure after I... you know..."
  "Cut the crap, PC Wan."  Seriously Pissed Off Guy
activated his laser sword.  "When we last met, I was
but a student.  Now I am the master!"
  "Only a masturbater, Anarchin!"  They commenced
their battle.
  "Like I have an option after you took Queen
Aimaslutta away from me!"
  "You lost her yourself, Anarchin!"
  "You never wanted me to have her in the first
place!"
  "And having had her, look what happened to you!"
  "You didn't want me to have happiness!"
  "Happiness is not for Straidis."
  "It is for me!"  Anarchin sliced PC Wan in two. 
"Damn that felt good!"

  "NOOO!!!" Puke screamed.  While Seriously Pissed Off
Guy was busy fighting PC Wan, Puke had managed to find
the princess.
  "There's nothing you can do," Princess Layher told
him.  "He's gone."
  "I must have my revenge!"
  "Don't even think it!" she told him as she held him
back.  "Look, this Lunar Fortress has a weakness: if a
small fighter could fire a direct hit at the station's
power core then it could be destroyed!  That's far
more important than killing one man out of revenge!"
  "Okay.  You're right."
  "Of course I'm right!  I'm a princess!"
  
  Puke and Layher escaped from the Lunar Fortress and
made their way to the Revel Base where Layher
explained her plan to the rebel leaders.
  "But who would be stupid enough to want to bring a
small fighter that close to the most powerfully armed
space station in the universe?" the rebel leader
asked.
  "I just might be!" Puke told them.

  And as it turned out, he was.
  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  "Alright!" Puke said.  "Who's the man?  Who's the
man?"
  "Obnoxious asshole," the rebel leader muttered.

  Puke was given a ceremony where Layher gave him a
medal.
  "I am truly grateful for what you've done for all of
us," Layher told him.
  "How grateful?"
  "_Very_ grateful."
  "Oh boy!"

            Episode 4: Return of the Straidi

                        Despite
                    the destruction
                 of the Lunar Fortress
                the galactic empire was
              able to strike back against
           the rebels who must now deal with
         a newly reconstructed Lunar Fortress.

  Puke checked his mail and found a letter with no
return address.
  "Dear Puke," it said, "I have your sister Layher
held hostage in my newly reconstructed Lunar Fortress.
 Yes, Puke, you banged your own sister.  Pervert. 
Signed, Seriously Pissed Off Guy.  PS: I am your
father."
  "What?  It can't be?  Layher taken hostage?  She's
my sister??  And Seriously Pissed Off Guy is my
father???  No!  PC Wan!  Why didn't you tell me!"
  Just then the ghost of PC Wan appeared.  "I swear I
didn't know."
  "You told me Seriously Pissed Off Guy killed my
father!"
  "Well... um... yeah... that was sort of true.  I
mean when Anarchin Skycrawler became Seriously Pissed
Off Guy that was when Anarchin Skywalker was no more
so, yeah, in a sense Seriously Pissed Off Guy really
did kill your father."
  "That's bullshit."
  "I'm sorry, Puke, but I find myself somewhat answer
challenged at the moment."
  "What?"
  "I don't know what to say."
  Puke nodded.  "Alright then.  What about Princess
Layher.  Did you know she was my sister?"
  "Yes, I did know that."
  "Why didn't you tell me?"
  "I didn't know you were going to fuck her."
  "Oh come on!  What was I supposed to think you meant
by 'very grateful'?"
  PC Wan shook his head.  "Can't you appreciate a
woman as a human being and not think of her in terms
of what you might get from her?"
  "You could have just mentioned that she was my
sister!"
  "Okay.  My bad."  PC Wan's ghostly form hung his
head in shame.  "So what are you going to do now?"
  Puke pondered for a moment.  "I don't know.  I can't
kill my father."
  "Then all is lost.  You were our last hope."
  "No," Puke said, "I don't believe it.  He's my
father.  There must be some good left in him."
  "Puke... he's a republican."
  "I don't care!" Puke insisted.  "I'm going to go
face him and try to get him to come around."
  The ghost of PC Wan shook his head.  "You are so
naive."

  Puke travelled to Seriously Pissed Off Guy's Lunar
Fortress and faced Seriously Pissed Off Guy just as he
said he would.
  "Puke.  You have come.  Just as I expected."
  "I won't fight you, father."
  "Fight me?" Seriously Pissed Off Guy asked.  "Who
said anything about you fighting me?  I want you to
join us!"
  "Us?"
  "Yes!  Come with me!"

  Seriously Pissed Off Guy brought Puke to see the
Emperor.
  "Ha ha ha!" the Emperor said.  "Now I shall have two
Skycrawlers serving me!"
  Puke shook his head.  "I will never serve you!"
  The Emperor became angry.  "If you are not with us
then you are against us!  Seriously Pissed Off Guy! 
You must kill him."
  Puke looked at his father.  "You don't have to do
this."
  Seriously Pissed Off Guy activated his laser sword. 
"I must do as my master commands."
  "So be it!" Puke said.  He activated his laser sword
and used it to cut off Seriously Pissed Off Guy's
hand.
  "Ha ha ha!" the Emperor said.  "Good!  Now kill your
father and take his place by my side!"
  "You monster!" Seriously Pissed Off Guy said.  "You
never cared about me!  You were just using me the
whole time!"
  "Ha ha ha!" the Emperor said.  "So I was!  But what
are you going to do about it?"
  "This!" Seriously Pissed Off Guy said and, true to
his name, he stood up and ran up to the Emperor and
hit him in the head so hard that his head came right
off.  Seriously Pissed Off Guy fell to the floor.
  Puke deactivated his laser sword.  "Father!  I knew
you still had some good in you!"
  "Good?  I just sheared an old man's head off!"
  "Whatever.  Father, come with me."
  "I can't."
  "What's wrong?"
  "This armour.  It's more than just armour: it was
providing me with life support.  It was keeping me
alive."
  "So?"
  "So you shorted it out when you cut off my hand."
  "Oops.  My bad."

  With Seriously Pissed Off Guy and the Emperor both
dead, Puke managed to find Princess Layher.
  "Puke!  You rescued me again!  I am _so_ _very_
grateful."
  "Right," Puke said.  "About that: I just found out
that you are my sister."
  "Really?"
  "Really."
  "Okay.  So?"
  "So it can't be the way things were before."
  "Why not?"
  "Why not?!"
  "Yeah.  Why not?"
  "Because... well... it's just creepy.  Really
creepy."
  Princess Layher gave him a sly smile.  "I'll wear
that slave girl costume for you.  I know you like
that."
  Puke though for a moment.  "This... this is _so_
wrong."
  Princess Layher smiled.  "But so _very_ right."

                       THE END

Martin 


 
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